I recognized the roles that were placed on me very early. One persistent concept that I observed -- existing in our language, in our media -- was that women are not only supposed to have children, they are supposed to want to. This existed everywhere. It existed in the ways that adults spoke to me when they posed questions in the context of "when." "When you get married ..." "When you have kids ..." And these future musings were always presented to me like part of this American dream, but it always felt to me like someone else's dream. You see, a value that I have always understood about myself was that I never wanted children. And as a kid, when I would try to explain this, this disconnect between their roles and my values, they often laughed in the way that adults do at the absurdities of children. And they would tell me knowingly, "You'll change your mind."
Prepoznala sam ulogu koja mi je bila dodeljena jako rano. Uvek prisutni koncept koji sam primetila, a koji postoji u našem jeziku, u našim medijima je bio to da žene ne samo da treba da imaju decu nego treba to i da žele. Ovo je postojalo svugde - u načinu na koji su mi se odrasli obraćali kada su postavljali pitanja u kontekstu „kada“. „Kada se budeš udala...“ „Kada budeš imala decu...“ Ova buduća sanjarenja su mi bila predstavljana kao deo američkog sna, ali mi se uvek činilo da je to bio san nekog drugog. Vidite, vrednost koju sam uvek razumela o sebi je da nikada nisam želela decu. Kao dete, kada bih pokušala da objasnim tu prekinutu vezu između njihovih uloga i mojih vrednosti oni su se često smejali onako kako to odrasli čine na dečje apsurdne izjave. I govorili su mi puni znanja: „Promenićeš mišljenje.“
And people have been saying things like that to me my whole life. Otherwise polite conversation can turn intrusive fast. "Does your husband know?"
A ljudi su mi govorili takve stvari tokom celog mog života. Pristojni razgovori mogu da se pretvore u nametljive veoma brzo. „Da li tvoj muž to zna?“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"Do your parents know?"
„Da li tvoji roditelji znaju?“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"Don't you want a family?" "Don't you want to leave anything behind?" And the primary buzzword when discussing childlessness, "That's selfish."
„Zar ne želiš porodicu?“ „Zar ne želiš da ostaviš nešto iza sebe?“ I glavna izjava u razgovorima o nemanju dece: „To je sebično.“
There are countless reasons a woman may have for choosing to abstain from motherhood, the majority of them not self-prioritizing. But it is still socially acceptable to publicly vilify women as such, because none of these reasons have made it into the social narrative. When I was little and learning about the inevitability of maternity, it was never explained to me the commonness of these factors that women consider, like the risk of passing on hereditary illness, the danger of having to stop life-saving medication for the duration of your pregnancy, concern about overpopulation, your access to resources, and the fact that there are 415,000 children in the foster-care system in the United States at any given time. Reasons like these, many more, and the fact that I don't like to leave things of this magnitude to chance, all informed my decision to become surgically sterilized.
Ima nebrojeno mnogo razloga koje žena može imati da se odluči za suzdržavanje od materinstva, od kojih većina nije zbog davanja prioriteta samoj sebi. Ali, još uvek je društveno prihvaćeno javno napadati žene kao sebične jer nijedan od ovih razloga nije još uspeo da uđe u društvene kodove. Kada sam bila mala i učila o neizbežnosti materinstva nikada mi nisu objasnili uobičajenost faktora koje žene uzimaju u obzir, kao što je rizik da se prenese neka nasledna bolest, opasnost od prestajanja sa terapijom od koje nam zavisi život tokom trudnoće, zabrinutost oko prenaseljenosti zemlje, dostupnost resursa i činjenica da ima 415 000 dece u sistemu smeštaja u hraniteljsku porodicu u SAD u bilo kom momentu. Ovakvi i mnogi drugi razlozi, kao i činjenica da ne volim da stvari ovog kalibra prepustim slučaju uticali su na moju odluku da se podvrgnem hirurškoj sterilizaciji.
I began my research eagerly. I wanted to fully understand all that was going to come with undergoing a tubal ligation, which is just another word for getting your tubes tied. I wanted to know approval to aftermath, satisfaction rates, risks, statistics. And at first, I was empowered. You see, the way the narrative has always been taught to me, I would have thought that women who didn't want children were so rare, and then I learned one in five American women won't be having a biological child -- some by choice, some by chance.
Poletno sam započela svoje istraživanje. Želela sam razumeti u potpunosti sve što će se dogoditi kada se podvrgnem vezivanju jajovoda, što je samo još jedan izraz za sterilizaciju. Želela sam znati sve, od odobravanja do rezultata, procenat zadovoljnih, rizik, statistiku. Na početku sam se osećala osnaženo. Vidite, zbog načina na koji su mi uvek predstavljali društveni kod mislila sam da su žene koje ne žele decu veoma retke. A onda sam saznala da jedna od pet Amerikanki neće imati biološko dete - neke jer su tako odlučile, a neke igrom slučaja.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
But I was not alone. But the more I read, the more disheartened I became. I read women's stories, trying desperately to get this procedure. I learned how common it was for women to exhaust their finances appealing to dozens of ob-gyns over many years, only to be turned down so many times, often with such blatant disrespect that they just gave up. Women reported that medical practitioners were often condescending and dismissive of their motivations, being told things like, "Come back when you're married with a child." But women who did have children, who went to go get this procedure, were told they were too young, or they didn't have enough children, which is very interesting, because the legal requirements in my state for getting this kind of surgery were, "Be at least 21 years old," "appear of sound mind, acting of your own accord," and "have a 30-day waiting period." And I was perplexed that I could meet all of these legal requirements and still have to face a battle in the exam room for my bodily autonomy. And it was daunting, but I was determined.
U svakom slučaju, nisam bila sama. Ali, što sam više čitala, bila sam sve više obeshrabrena. Čitala sam priče žena koje su očajnički pokušavale da se podvrgnu ovoj proceduri. Shvatila sam koliko se često dešavalo da iscrpe svoje finansije zbog poseta mnogobrojnim ginekolozima tokom mnogo godina, samo da bi bile odbijene bezbroj puta, često sa tako očiglednim nepoštovanjem da su samo odustale. Žene su rekle da su njihovi lekari bili često arogantni i prezrivi prema njihovim razlozima i da su im govorili stvari poput: „Vrati se kada budeš udata i sa detetom.“ Međutim, ženama koje su imale decu i koje su želele da se podvrgnu ovom zahvatu je rečeno da su premlade ili da nisu imale dovoljno dece, što je vrlo interesantno zato što su u mojoj državi uslovi za odobravanje ovog tipa operacije bili: „imati bar 21. godinu“, „biti zdravog razuma, delovati po sopstvenoj volji“ i „imati tridesetodnevni period čekanja“. Bila sam zbunjena zato što sam uspela da ispunim sve te legalne zahteve, a opet morala da se borim na lekarskom pregledu za autonomiju svoga tela. I to je bilo obeshrabrujuće, ali bila sam rešena.
I remember I dressed so professionally to that first appointment.
Sećam se da sam se obukla profesionalno za taj prvi sastanak.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I sat up straight. I spoke clearly. I wanted to give that doctor every piece of evidence that I was not the date of birth in that file. And I made sure to mention things like, "I just got my bachelor's degree and I'm applying to these doctoral programs, I'm going to study these things." And "my long-term partner has this kind of business," and "I've done research on this for months. I understand everything about it, all the risks." Because I needed the doctor to know that this was not a whim, not reactionary, not your 20-something looking to go out and party without fear of getting knocked up ... (Laughter) that this supported something integral to who I was.
Sedela sam pravo. Govorila jasno. Želela sam da tom doktoru dam svaki dokaz da nisam bila samo datum rođenja u tom zahtevu. Potrudila sam se da spomenem stvari kao: „Upravo sam diplomirala na fakultetu i prijavljujem se za doktorske studije. Proučavaću ove stvari.“ „Moj dugogodišnji partner ima ovaj biznis“ i: „Izučavala sam ovo mesecima. Razumem sve o tome, sav rizik.“ Zato što sam želela da doktor zna da to nije bio samo hir ili reakcija na nešto, niti moje 20-godišnje ja koje bi želelo još da izlazi bez straha da zatrudni; (Smeh) da je ovo sastavni deo moje ličnosti.
And I understand informed consent, so I fully expected to be reeducated on how it all worked, but ... At one point, the information being given to me started to feel agenda'd, interlaced with bias and inflated statistics. The questions began to feel interrogative. At first they were asking me questions that seemed to understand my situation better, and then it seemed like they were asking questions to try to trip me up. I felt like I was on the witness stand, being cross-examined.
Razumela sam da je potrebna saglasnost, tako da sam očekivala da mi ponovo objasne kako sve funkcioniše, ali... U nekom momentu, informacije koju su mi dali su počele da zvuče programirano, pomešane sa predrasudama i nadutim statistikama. Pitanja su počela da zvuče kao ispitivanje. Na početku su mi postavljali pitanja i zvučalo je kao da žele da bolje razumeju moju situaciju, a onda je izgledalo kao da mi postavljaju pitanja da me pokolebaju. Osećala sam se kao svedok koga naizmenično ispituju.
The doctor asked me about my partner. "How does he or she feel about all of this?" "Well, I've been with the same man for five years, and he fully supports any decision I make for my body." And he said, "Well, what happens in the future, if you change partners? What happens when that person wants children?" And I didn't quite know how to react to that, because what I was hearing was this doctor tell me that I'm supposed to disregard everything I believe if a partner demands children. So I told him not to worry about that. My stance on childbearing has always been first date conversation.
Doktor me je ispitivao o partneru. „Kako se on ili ona oseća povodom ovoga?“ „Zabavljam se sa istim čovekom već pet godina i on potpuno podržava sve odluke koje donesem o svom telu.“ A on je rekao: „Šta će se dogoditi u budućnosti ako promenite partnera? Šta će se dogoditi ako ta osoba želi decu?“ Nisam zaista znala kako da odreagujem na to jer sam slušala ovog doktora da govori kako treba da zanemarim sve ono u šta verujem ako partner zahteva decu. Tako sam mu rekla da ne brine o tome. Moje stav prema rađanju je uvek bila moja tema na prvom sastanku.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Cheering)
(Uzvici)
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
He then asks me to consider how "in 20 years, you could really come to regret this" ... as though I hadn't. I told him, "OK, if I wake up one day and realize, you know, I wish I'd made a different decision back then, the truth is, I'd only removed a single path to parenthood. I never needed biology to form family anyway."
Onda me je zamolio da razmotrim kako ću se „za 20 godina kajati“, kao da nisam. Rekla sam mu, „Dobro, ako se probudim jednoga dana i shvatim, znate, 'Volela bih da sam drugačije odlučila tada', istina je da sam uklonila samo jedan put ka roditeljstvu. Ionako mi nikada nije trebala biologija da stvorim porodicu.“
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
And I would much rather deal with that any day than deal with one day waking up, realize I'd had a child that I didn't really want or was prepared to care for. Because one of these affects only me. The other affects a child, their development, their well-being --
I radije bih se borila sa time bilo kada nego da moram da se borim sa tim da se probudim jednog dana i shvatim da imam dete koje nisam zaista želela niti bila spremna da brinem o njemu, jer prvo utiče samo na mene. Drugo utiče na dete, njegov razvoj i blagostanje.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
and human beings are not to be gambled with. He then tells me why no one was going to approve this procedure, certainly not he, because of a concept called medical paternalism, which allows him, as my well-informed provider, to make decisions for me ... based on his perception of my best interest, regardless of what I, as the patient, want or believe. He takes this opportunity to step out and discuss my case with my potential surgeon, and through the door, I hear him describe me as a little girl.
A ljudima se ne treba kockati. On mi je onda rekao zašto niko neće odobriti ovu proceduru, a on svakako neće, zbog koncepta zvanog medicinski paternizam, koji dozvoljava njemu kao mom dobro obaveštenom lekaru da u moje ime donosi odluke zasnovane na njegovoj percepciji mog najboljeg interesa, bez obzira na to šta ja kao pacijent želim ili u šta verujem. Iskoristio je priliku da izađe i popriča o mom slučaju sa mojim potencijalnim hirurgom, a kroz vrata sam čula kako me opisuje kao malu devojčicu.
I was so offended. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to explicitly explain to each one of these providers how they were treating me, that it was belittling and sexist, and I didn't have to take it. But I did take it. I swallowed every sharp word in my throat, clenched my jaw, and instead answered each one of their condescending questions and statements. I had come here looking for objectivity and support and instead I felt dismissed and silenced, and I hated myself for it. I hated that I was letting people disrespect me repeatedly. But this was my one shot.
Bila sam tako uvređena. Želela sam da se branim. Želela sam da jasno objasnim svakom od ovih lekara kako su se ophodili prema meni, da su me omalovažavali i ponašali se seksistički i da nisam morala to da trpim. Ali, istrpela sam. Progutala sam svaku preku reč, stisnula zube i umesto toga odgovorila na svako njihovo snishodljivo pitanje i izjavu. Otišla sam tamo u potrazi za objektivnošću i podrškom, a umesto toga sam se osećala odbačeno i ućutkano i mrzela sam sebe zbog toga. Mrzela sam što puštam ljude da me ne poštuju iznova i iznova. Ali, ovo je bila moja jedina šansa.
That was one of multiple consultations that I had to go to. At one point, I had seen five or six medical professionals in the same hour. The door to the exam room felt more like the door to a clown car. There's my primary, there's his colleague, the director, OK. It felt like I was asking them to infect me with smallpox instead of, I don't know, obtain birth control. But I didn't waver, and I was persistent, and I eventually convinced one of them to allow the procedure. And even as I am in the room, signing the consent forms and getting the hormone shots and tying up loose ends ... my doctor is shaking his head in disapproval. "You'll change your mind."
Ovo je bila jedna od mnogobrojnih konsultacija na koje sam morala da odem. U nekom momentu sam se srela sa pet ili šest lekara u sat vremena. Vrata sobe za preglede su bila kao vrata na klovnovskim kolima. Evo moj glavnog lekara, to je njegov kolega, direktor; dobro. Osećala sam se kao da tražim da me inficiraju malim boginjama umesto da dobijem kontrolu nad rađanjem. Ali, nisam pokleknula, bila sam uporna i na kraju sam ubedila jednog od njih da odobri proceduru. I čak dok sam bila u sobi, potpisivala potvrdu o saglasnosti, dobijala injekcije hormona i privodila sve kraju moj doktor je odmahivao glavom sa negodovanjem. „Promenićeš mišljenje.“
I never really understood how strongly this society clings to this role until I went through this. I experienced firsthand, repeatedly, how people, be it medical providers, colleagues, strangers, were literally unable to separate me being a woman from me being a mother. And I've always believed that having children was an extension of womanhood, not the definition. I believe that a woman's value should never be determined by whether or not she has a child, because that strips her of her entire identity as an adult unto herself. Women have this amazing ability to create life, but when we say that that is her purpose, that says that her entire existence is a means to an end.
Nikada nisam zaista razumela kako je društvo jako vezano za ovu ulogu dok nisam prošla kroz sve ovo. Doživela sam iz prve ruke iznova i iznova kako ljudi, bilo da su medicinski radnici, kolege ili stranci bukvalno nisu mogli da odvoje mene kao ženu od mene kao majke. A ja sam uvek verovala je da imati decu dodatak ženstvenosti, a ne njena definicija. Verujem da ženina vrednost ne treba nikada da se određuje prema tome da li ima dete jer joj to oduzima celokupni identitet kao odrasle nezavisne osobe. Žena ima tu neverovatnu sposobnost da stvara život, ali kada kažemo da je to njena svrha, to znači da je celokupno njeno postojanje samo sredstvo za nešto.
It's so easy to forget the roles that society places on us are so much more than mere titles. What about the weight that comes with them, the pressure to conform to these standards ... the fear associated with questioning them, and the desires that we cast aside to accept them? There are many paths to happiness and fulfillment. They all look very different, but I believe that every one is paved with the right to self-determination.
Lako je zaboraviti da su uloge koje nam društvo nameće mnogo više nego samo titule. Šta je sa teretom koji one nose, pritiskom da zadovoljimo te standarde, strahom da ih dovedemo u pitanje i željama koje zanemarujemo kako bismo ih zadovoljili? Ima puno staza do sreće i ispunjenosti. Sve one izgledaju drugačije, ali verujem da je svaka od njih popločana pravom o samoopredeljenju.
I want women to know that your choice to embrace or forego motherhood is not in any way tied to your worthiness or identity as spouses, as adults, or as women ... and there absolutely is a choice behind maternity, and it is yours and yours alone.
Želim da žene znaju da vaš izbor da prihvatite ili se odreknete materinstva nije ni na koji način vezan za vašu vrednost ili identitet kao supruge, odrasle osobe ili žene, i da definitivno postoji izbor iza materinstva. I taj izbor je vaš i samo vaš.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)