I recognized the roles that were placed on me very early. One persistent concept that I observed -- existing in our language, in our media -- was that women are not only supposed to have children, they are supposed to want to. This existed everywhere. It existed in the ways that adults spoke to me when they posed questions in the context of "when." "When you get married ..." "When you have kids ..." And these future musings were always presented to me like part of this American dream, but it always felt to me like someone else's dream. You see, a value that I have always understood about myself was that I never wanted children. And as a kid, when I would try to explain this, this disconnect between their roles and my values, they often laughed in the way that adults do at the absurdities of children. And they would tell me knowingly, "You'll change your mind."
Zgodaj sem prepoznala vloge, ki so mi bile dodeljene. Eden od vztrajnih konceptov, ki sem ga opazovala, ki obstajajo v našem jeziku, v medijih, je bil, da ženskam ni treba le imeti otroke, morajo si jih tudi želeti. To je blo vseprisotno. Bilo je prisotno v načinu, kako so odrasli govorili z menoj, ko so mi zastavljali vprašanja v kontekstu - ko ... Ko se boš poročila. Ko boš imela otroke. Ta prihodnja razmišljanja so mi vedno bila predstavljena kot del ameriških sanj, a vedno se mi je zdelo, da gre za sanje nekoga drugega. Veste, vrednota, ki sem jo vedno razumela v povezavi s seboj, je bila, da si nikoli nisem želela otrok. In kot otrok, ko sem skušala to razložiti, to nepovezanost med njihovimi vlogami in mojimi vrednotami, so se mi pogosto smejali, kot se odrasli smejijo otroških absurdnostim. Poznavalsko so mi rekli: "Premislila si boš."
And people have been saying things like that to me my whole life. Otherwise polite conversation can turn intrusive fast. "Does your husband know?"
In ljudje mi take stvari govorijo že vse moje življenje. Sicer vljudni pogovori lahko hitro postanejo nadležni. "Ali vaš mož ve?"
(Laughter)
(smeh)
"Do your parents know?"
"Ali vedo vaši starši?"
(Laughter)
(smeh)
"Don't you want a family?" "Don't you want to leave anything behind?" And the primary buzzword when discussing childlessness, "That's selfish."
"Ali nočete imeti družine?" "Ali nočete ničesar pustiti za seboj?" In najpogostejša fraza, ko je govora o življenju brez otrok: "To je sebično."
There are countless reasons a woman may have for choosing to abstain from motherhood, the majority of them not self-prioritizing. But it is still socially acceptable to publicly vilify women as such, because none of these reasons have made it into the social narrative. When I was little and learning about the inevitability of maternity, it was never explained to me the commonness of these factors that women consider, like the risk of passing on hereditary illness, the danger of having to stop life-saving medication for the duration of your pregnancy, concern about overpopulation, your access to resources, and the fact that there are 415,000 children in the foster-care system in the United States at any given time. Reasons like these, many more, and the fact that I don't like to leave things of this magnitude to chance, all informed my decision to become surgically sterilized.
Nešteto razlogov obstaja, zakaj se mora ženska morda odločiti, da ne bo postala mati. Večina jih ni povezanih s postavljanjem sebe na prvo mesto. A še vedno je družbeno sprejemljivo javno obrekovati ženske, ker nobeden od teh razlogov ni postal del družbene pripovedi. Ko sem bila majhna in sem se učila o neizogibnosti materinstva, mi nikoli ni bilo razloženo, kako pogosto ženske morajo razmišljati o faktorjih, kot so tveganje, da bi otroku predale dedno bolezen, nevarnost, da bodo morale prekiniti nujno potrebno zdravljenje v času nosečnosti, skrb zaradi prevelike poseljenosti, vaš dostop do virov in dejstvo, da je vedno 415 000 otrok v sistemu rejništva v ZDA. Taki razlogi in še mnogi drugi ter dejstvo, da nerada prepuščam tako pomembne reči naključju, vse to je podkrepilo mojo odločitev, da se dam sterilizirati.
I began my research eagerly. I wanted to fully understand all that was going to come with undergoing a tubal ligation, which is just another word for getting your tubes tied. I wanted to know approval to aftermath, satisfaction rates, risks, statistics. And at first, I was empowered. You see, the way the narrative has always been taught to me, I would have thought that women who didn't want children were so rare, and then I learned one in five American women won't be having a biological child -- some by choice, some by chance.
Zagnano sem začela z raziskovanjem. Želela sem popolnoma razumeti, kaj vse bo prinesla tubektomija, kar je le drug izraz za zavezovanje jajčnikov. Popolnoma sem želela razumeti posledice, odstotek uspešnosti, tveganja, statistiko. Najprej sem se počutila močno. Veste, vedno so z menoj govorili, kot da le redke ženske ne želijo otrok. Potem pa sem izvedela, da vsaka peta Američanka nima biološkega otroka, nekatere na lastno željo, druge po naključju.
(Applause)
(aplavz)
But I was not alone. But the more I read, the more disheartened I became. I read women's stories, trying desperately to get this procedure. I learned how common it was for women to exhaust their finances appealing to dozens of ob-gyns over many years, only to be turned down so many times, often with such blatant disrespect that they just gave up. Women reported that medical practitioners were often condescending and dismissive of their motivations, being told things like, "Come back when you're married with a child." But women who did have children, who went to go get this procedure, were told they were too young, or they didn't have enough children, which is very interesting, because the legal requirements in my state for getting this kind of surgery were, "Be at least 21 years old," "appear of sound mind, acting of your own accord," and "have a 30-day waiting period." And I was perplexed that I could meet all of these legal requirements and still have to face a battle in the exam room for my bodily autonomy. And it was daunting, but I was determined.
Nisem bila sama. A več ko sem brala, bolj mi je jemalo pogum. Brala sem zgodbe žensk, ki so obupano želele ta poseg. Ugotovila sem, kako pogosto so ženske izčrpale svoje finance, leta in leta prosile na ducate ginekologov, a so bile vedno znova zavrnjene, pogosto s tako očitnim prezirom, da so preprosto odnehale. Ženske so poročale, da so bili zdravstveni delavci pogosto vzvišeni in niso sprejeli njihove odločitve. Govorili so jim stvari, kot npr.: "Pridite nazaj, ko boste poročeni in boste imeli otroka." A ženskam, ki so imele otroke in so želele ta poseg, je bilo rečeno, da so premlade ali da nimajo dovolj otrok, kar je zanimivo, ker so pravne zahteve v moji državi za tako operacijo - starost vsaj 21 let, zdravega razuma, na lastno željo in 30 dni čakalne dobe. Bila sem osupla, da sem izpolnjevala vse te zahteve, a sem se še vedno morala boriti v ordinaciji za svojo telesno avtonomijo. Bilo je zastrašujoče, a bila sem odločena.
I remember I dressed so professionally to that first appointment.
Spomnim se, da sem se za prvo srečanjenje oblekla kot za razgovor.
(Laughter)
(smeh)
I sat up straight. I spoke clearly. I wanted to give that doctor every piece of evidence that I was not the date of birth in that file. And I made sure to mention things like, "I just got my bachelor's degree and I'm applying to these doctoral programs, I'm going to study these things." And "my long-term partner has this kind of business," and "I've done research on this for months. I understand everything about it, all the risks." Because I needed the doctor to know that this was not a whim, not reactionary, not your 20-something looking to go out and party without fear of getting knocked up ... (Laughter) that this supported something integral to who I was.
Sedela sem vzravnano, jasno sem govorila. Zdravniku sem želela dokazati, da nisem le datum rojstva v tisti mapi. Poskrbela sem, da sem omenila reči, kot so: "Pravkar sem magistrirala in se vpisujem na doktorski študij, to in to bom študirala. Moj dolgoletni partner ima to in to podjetje. Že mesece raziskujem ta poseg, razumem vse o njem, vsa tveganja. Želela sem, da bi zdravnik vedel, da to ni kaprica, nič reakcionarnega, da nisem dvajsetletnica, ki bi se rada zabavala brez strahu, da bo zanosila ... (smeh) Da mi to predstavlja nekaj pomembnega.
And I understand informed consent, so I fully expected to be reeducated on how it all worked, but ... At one point, the information being given to me started to feel agenda'd, interlaced with bias and inflated statistics. The questions began to feel interrogative. At first they were asking me questions that seemed to understand my situation better, and then it seemed like they were asking questions to try to trip me up. I felt like I was on the witness stand, being cross-examined.
Razumem prostovoljno soglasje, zato sem pričakovala, da me bo spet podučil, kako vse poteka, ampak ... V nekem trenutku sem občutila, da imajo informacije skriti namen, da so prepletene s predsodki in napihnjeno statistiko. Vprašanja so postala vsiljiva. Najprej so mi zastavljali vprašanja, da bi bolje razumeli mojo situacijo, potem pa se mi je zazdelo, da me sprašujejo, da bi me spodnesli. Počutila sem se, kot da me zaslišujejo na prostoru za priče.
The doctor asked me about my partner. "How does he or she feel about all of this?" "Well, I've been with the same man for five years, and he fully supports any decision I make for my body." And he said, "Well, what happens in the future, if you change partners? What happens when that person wants children?" And I didn't quite know how to react to that, because what I was hearing was this doctor tell me that I'm supposed to disregard everything I believe if a partner demands children. So I told him not to worry about that. My stance on childbearing has always been first date conversation.
Zdravnik me je vprašal o mojem partnerju. "Kako pa on ali ona gleda na vse to?" "No, z istim moškim sem že pet let in podpira vse odločitve, ki jih sprejemam o svojem telesu." Rekel je: "Kaj pa, če v prihodnosti zamenjate partnerja? Kaj če bo tisti človek želel otroke?" Nisem vedela, kako naj reagiram na to, ker sem slišala le, da mi zdravnik govori, da bi morala pozabiti vse, v kar verjamem, če partner želi otroka. Zato sem mu rekla, naj ne skrbi o tem. Moje gledišče na rojevanje je pri meni vedno tema za prvi zmenek.
(Laughter)
(smeh)
(Cheering)
(vzkliki)
(Laughter)
(smeh)
He then asks me to consider how "in 20 years, you could really come to regret this" ... as though I hadn't. I told him, "OK, if I wake up one day and realize, you know, I wish I'd made a different decision back then, the truth is, I'd only removed a single path to parenthood. I never needed biology to form family anyway."
Potem mi je rekel, naj pomislim, kako bom čez dvajset let obžalovala. Kot da še nisem. Povedala sem mu: "Če se bom nekega dne zbudila in se zavedla, da si želim, da bi se takrat drugače odločila, je stvar taka, da sem si odstranila le eno pot do starševstva. Nikoli nisem potrebovala biologije, da bi si ustvarila družino.
(Applause)
(aplavz)
And I would much rather deal with that any day than deal with one day waking up, realize I'd had a child that I didn't really want or was prepared to care for. Because one of these affects only me. The other affects a child, their development, their well-being --
In mnogo raje bi se s tem ukvarjala vsak dan, kot pa da se nekega dne prebudim in ugotovim, da imam otroka, ki si ga nisem zares želela oz. zanj nisem pripravljena skrbeti. Ker ena od teh odločitev se tiče samo mene. Druga se tiče tudi otroka, njegovega razvoja, njegove dobrobiti.
(Applause)
(aplavz)
and human beings are not to be gambled with. He then tells me why no one was going to approve this procedure, certainly not he, because of a concept called medical paternalism, which allows him, as my well-informed provider, to make decisions for me ... based on his perception of my best interest, regardless of what I, as the patient, want or believe. He takes this opportunity to step out and discuss my case with my potential surgeon, and through the door, I hear him describe me as a little girl.
In s človeškimi bitji se ne sme kockati. Zdavnik mi potem pove, zakaj nihče ne bo potrdil tega postopka, prav gotovo pa ne on. Zaradi koncepta, ki se imenuje medicinski paternalizem, ki mu omogoča, da se kot moj dobro obveščeni ponudnik storitev odloči namesto mene na podlagi njegovega dojemanja, kaj je zame najboljše, ne glede na to, kaj jaz kot pacient želim ali verjamem. To priložnost bo izkoristil, da bo šel še korak dlje in o mojem primeru govoril z mojim potencialnim kirurgom. Skozi vrata ga slišim, kako me opisuje kot majhno deklico.
I was so offended. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to explicitly explain to each one of these providers how they were treating me, that it was belittling and sexist, and I didn't have to take it. But I did take it. I swallowed every sharp word in my throat, clenched my jaw, and instead answered each one of their condescending questions and statements. I had come here looking for objectivity and support and instead I felt dismissed and silenced, and I hated myself for it. I hated that I was letting people disrespect me repeatedly. But this was my one shot.
Strašno sem bila užaljena. Želela sem se braniti, želela sem natančno razložiti vsakomur od teh ponudnikov, da je njuno ravnanje poniževalno in seksistično in da mi tega ni treba prenašati. A nisem. Požrla sem vse ostre besede, ki sem jih imela pripravljene, stisnila čeljust in namesto tega odgovorila na vsako od njunih podcenjevalnih vprašanj in trditev. Tja sem šla v pričakovanju objektivnosti in podpore, namesto tega pa sem se počutila odslovljeno in utišano in zato sem se sovražila. Sovražila sem, da sem dovolila, da me ljudje ne spoštujejo. A to je bila moja edina priložnost.
That was one of multiple consultations that I had to go to. At one point, I had seen five or six medical professionals in the same hour. The door to the exam room felt more like the door to a clown car. There's my primary, there's his colleague, the director, OK. It felt like I was asking them to infect me with smallpox instead of, I don't know, obtain birth control. But I didn't waver, and I was persistent, and I eventually convinced one of them to allow the procedure. And even as I am in the room, signing the consent forms and getting the hormone shots and tying up loose ends ... my doctor is shaking his head in disapproval. "You'll change your mind."
To je bilo eno od mnogih posvetovanj, na katera sem morala iti. V nekem trenutku sem obiskala pet ali šest zdravnikov v eni sami uri. Vrata ordinacije so se zdela kot vrata v klovnov avto. To je moj osebni zdravnik, tam je njegov kolega, direktor, dobro. Zdelo se mi je, kot da jih prosim, da me okužijo s kozami, ne pa da želim dobiti kontracepcijo. A nisem omahovala in vztrajala sem in nazadnje prepričala enega od njih, da je dovolil poseg. In še ko sem bila v sobi in podpisovala soglasja in dobivala hormonske injekcije in reševala zadeve, je moj zdravnik odkimaval z glavo v znamenje nestrinjanja. "Premislili si boste."
I never really understood how strongly this society clings to this role until I went through this. I experienced firsthand, repeatedly, how people, be it medical providers, colleagues, strangers, were literally unable to separate me being a woman from me being a mother. And I've always believed that having children was an extension of womanhood, not the definition. I believe that a woman's value should never be determined by whether or not she has a child, because that strips her of her entire identity as an adult unto herself. Women have this amazing ability to create life, but when we say that that is her purpose, that says that her entire existence is a means to an end.
Nikoli prej nisem zares razumela, kako močno se družba oklepa te vloge, dokler nisem tega doživela. Osebno in vedno znova sem izkusila, kako ljudje, pa naj gre za zdravstveno osebje, kolege ali tujce, niso mogli ločiti mene kot ženske od mene kot matere. Vedno sem verjela, da pomeni imeti otroke podaljšanje, ne pa definicija ženske. Verjamem, da se vrednost ženske ne bi smela meriti s tem, ali ima ali nima otroka, ker ji to odvzame vso njeno identiteto odrasle osebe. Ženske imajo to izjemno sposobnost, da ustvarijo življenje, a ko rečemo, da je to njen namen, to pomeni, da je ves njen obstoj samo sredstvo za dosego cilja.
It's so easy to forget the roles that society places on us are so much more than mere titles. What about the weight that comes with them, the pressure to conform to these standards ... the fear associated with questioning them, and the desires that we cast aside to accept them? There are many paths to happiness and fulfillment. They all look very different, but I believe that every one is paved with the right to self-determination.
Tako zlahka pozabimo, da so vloge, ki nam jih določa družba, mnogo več kot le nazivi. Kaj pa teža, ki jo nosijo s seboj, pritisk, da se podredimo tem standardom, strah, povezan s dvomom, in želje, ki jih zavržemo, da bi jih sprejeli? Mnogo poti je do sreče in izpolnitve. Zelo različne so, a verjamem, da je vsaka tlakovana s pravico do samoodločanja.
I want women to know that your choice to embrace or forego motherhood is not in any way tied to your worthiness or identity as spouses, as adults, or as women ... and there absolutely is a choice behind maternity, and it is yours and yours alone.
Želim, da ženske veste, da izbira za ali proti materinstvu ni nikakor povezana z vašo vrednostjo ali identiteto kot partnerke, odraslega ali ženske. Za materinstvom absolutno obstaja izbira, in to vaša, samo vaša.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(aplavz)