I recognized the roles that were placed on me very early. One persistent concept that I observed -- existing in our language, in our media -- was that women are not only supposed to have children, they are supposed to want to. This existed everywhere. It existed in the ways that adults spoke to me when they posed questions in the context of "when." "When you get married ..." "When you have kids ..." And these future musings were always presented to me like part of this American dream, but it always felt to me like someone else's dream. You see, a value that I have always understood about myself was that I never wanted children. And as a kid, when I would try to explain this, this disconnect between their roles and my values, they often laughed in the way that adults do at the absurdities of children. And they would tell me knowingly, "You'll change your mind."
Vrlo rano sam prepoznala uloge koje su mi nametnute. Ono što sam primijetila je da se u našem jeziku i medijima od žena očekuje ne samo da moraju imati djecu, već i da žele imati djecu. To je svugdje prisutno. Prisutno je u načinu na koji su mi se odrasli obraćali kada su pitanja počinjali s "kada". "Kada se udaš..." "Kada imaš djecu..." Takva razmišljanja predstavljaju se kao dio "američkog sna", ali meni su se uvijek činila kao dio nečijeg tuđeg sna. Vidite, ono što sam oduvijek znala o sebi je da nikada ne želim imati djecu. Kad sam bila dijete, često bi mi se smijali kada bih pokušala objasniti to neslaganje nametnutih uloga i mojih stavova, onako kako se odrasli smiju dječjim izjavama. I svjesno bi mi govorili, "Predomislit ćeš se."
And people have been saying things like that to me my whole life. Otherwise polite conversation can turn intrusive fast. "Does your husband know?"
I ljudi mi cijelog života govore takve stvari. Naizgled pristojan razgovor vrlo brzo može početi narušavati privatnost. "Zna li tvoj muž?"
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"Do your parents know?"
"Znaju li tvoji roditelji?"
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"Don't you want a family?" "Don't you want to leave anything behind?" And the primary buzzword when discussing childlessness, "That's selfish."
"Zar ne želiš imati obitelj?" "Zar ne želiš nešto ostaviti iza sebe kada odeš?" A najčešća poštapalica kada se radi o životu bez djece je "To je sebično."
There are countless reasons a woman may have for choosing to abstain from motherhood, the majority of them not self-prioritizing. But it is still socially acceptable to publicly vilify women as such, because none of these reasons have made it into the social narrative. When I was little and learning about the inevitability of maternity, it was never explained to me the commonness of these factors that women consider, like the risk of passing on hereditary illness, the danger of having to stop life-saving medication for the duration of your pregnancy, concern about overpopulation, your access to resources, and the fact that there are 415,000 children in the foster-care system in the United States at any given time. Reasons like these, many more, and the fact that I don't like to leave things of this magnitude to chance, all informed my decision to become surgically sterilized.
Žena može imati mnogo razloga zbog kojih odluči da ne želi imati djecu, a većina njih nije sebična. No, društveno je prihvatljivo ogovarati žene, jer nijedan od ovih razloga nije dio društvenog sustava. Kao djevojčici koja uči o neizbježnosti majčinstva, nikada mi nisu objasnili obilježja svih faktora koje žene moraju uzeti u obzir, poput rizika da dalje prenesu nasljednu bolest, opasnosti ako prekinu uzimati lijek od životne važnosti za vrijeme trudnoće, brige oko prenaseljenosti, pristup resursima i činjenice da je u SAD-u 415 000 djece u sustavu udomiteljstva. Razlozi poput ovih i mnogi drugi te činjenica da ne želim nešto tako važno prepustiti sreći, samo su poduprli moju odluku da napravim kiruršku sterilizaciju.
I began my research eagerly. I wanted to fully understand all that was going to come with undergoing a tubal ligation, which is just another word for getting your tubes tied. I wanted to know approval to aftermath, satisfaction rates, risks, statistics. And at first, I was empowered. You see, the way the narrative has always been taught to me, I would have thought that women who didn't want children were so rare, and then I learned one in five American women won't be having a biological child -- some by choice, some by chance.
Željno sam započela s istraživanjem. Htjela sam u potpunosti razumijeti sve što je vezano uz tubalnu ligaciju, što je samo još jedan izraz za podvezivanje jajnika. Željela sam znati posljedice, postotak uspješnosti, rizike, statistiku. Prvo sam se osjećala osnaženom. Vidite, zbog onoga što su mi stalno govorili mislila sam da su rijetke žene koje ne žele imati djecu, a onda sam saznala da 1 od 5 Amerikanki neće imati biološko dijete -- neke jer ne žele, neke jer ne mogu.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
But I was not alone. But the more I read, the more disheartened I became. I read women's stories, trying desperately to get this procedure. I learned how common it was for women to exhaust their finances appealing to dozens of ob-gyns over many years, only to be turned down so many times, often with such blatant disrespect that they just gave up. Women reported that medical practitioners were often condescending and dismissive of their motivations, being told things like, "Come back when you're married with a child." But women who did have children, who went to go get this procedure, were told they were too young, or they didn't have enough children, which is very interesting, because the legal requirements in my state for getting this kind of surgery were, "Be at least 21 years old," "appear of sound mind, acting of your own accord," and "have a 30-day waiting period." And I was perplexed that I could meet all of these legal requirements and still have to face a battle in the exam room for my bodily autonomy. And it was daunting, but I was determined.
No, nisam bila jedina. Što sam više čitala, postajala sam više obeshrabrena. Čitala sam priče žena koje su očajnički željele obaviti taj zahvat. Saznala sam koliko često žene potroše mnogo novca na desetke ginekologa, kroz dugi niz godina, samo kako bi ih na kraju često odbili i odnosili se prema njima s nepoštovanjem pa bi one odustale. Žene govore kako su liječnici uglavnom bili arogantni i nezainteresirani za njihove razloge te su im često govorili stvari poput, "Vratite se kada se udate i rodite dijete." No, i ženama koje su već imale djecu i željele napraviti taj zahvat rečeno je da su premlade ili da nisu imale dovoljno djece, što je jako zanimljivo, jer su pravni uvjeti za ovaj zahvat u mojoj državi glasili: "Imajte barem 21 godinu," "Budite razboriti, djelujte svjesno i bez prisile" i "pričekajte 30 dana." Zbunilo me to što bih ispunila sve te pravne uvjete i još uvijek se morala boriti s ispitivanjima vezanima uz moje tijelo. Bio je zastrašujuće, ali bila sam odlučna.
I remember I dressed so professionally to that first appointment.
Sjećam se da sam se obukla jako profesionalno za taj prvi razgovor.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
I sat up straight. I spoke clearly. I wanted to give that doctor every piece of evidence that I was not the date of birth in that file. And I made sure to mention things like, "I just got my bachelor's degree and I'm applying to these doctoral programs, I'm going to study these things." And "my long-term partner has this kind of business," and "I've done research on this for months. I understand everything about it, all the risks." Because I needed the doctor to know that this was not a whim, not reactionary, not your 20-something looking to go out and party without fear of getting knocked up ... (Laughter) that this supported something integral to who I was.
Sjedila sam uspravno. Razgovjetno sam govorila. Željela sam dokazati tom liječniku da nisam samo datum rođenja u dosjeu. I pobrinula sam se da spomenem stvari poput, "Upravo sam diplomirala i prijavljujem se za doktorski studij, studirat ću ovo." I "moj partner se bavi tim i tim poslom," i "mjesecima sam istraživala o ovome. Razumijem sve o tome, svjesna sam rizika." Željela sam da liječnik zna da ovo nije neki hir, nije nešto impulzivno, kao neka 20-godišnjakinja koja se želi zabavljati, bez straha da će zatrudnjeti... (Smijeh) ovo je sastavni dio moje osobnosti.
And I understand informed consent, so I fully expected to be reeducated on how it all worked, but ... At one point, the information being given to me started to feel agenda'd, interlaced with bias and inflated statistics. The questions began to feel interrogative. At first they were asking me questions that seemed to understand my situation better, and then it seemed like they were asking questions to try to trip me up. I felt like I was on the witness stand, being cross-examined.
Znam što je informirani pristanak i očekivala sam da će me dodatno podučiti kako to sve funkcionira, ali... Odjednom su informacije koje sam dobivala postajale pristrane, pomiješane s predrasudama i prenapuhanom statistikom. Osjećala sam se kao da sam na ispitivanju. Prvo su mi postavljali pitanja i činilo se da me pokušavaju razumjeti, no, zatim su me pitanjima pokušali zbuniti. Osjećala sam se kao da sam u sudnici na ispitivanju.
The doctor asked me about my partner. "How does he or she feel about all of this?" "Well, I've been with the same man for five years, and he fully supports any decision I make for my body." And he said, "Well, what happens in the future, if you change partners? What happens when that person wants children?" And I didn't quite know how to react to that, because what I was hearing was this doctor tell me that I'm supposed to disregard everything I believe if a partner demands children. So I told him not to worry about that. My stance on childbearing has always been first date conversation.
Liječnik me pitao i za mog partnera. "Što on ili ona misli o ovome?" "Pa, s istim muškarcem sam već 5 godina i on potpuno podržava svaku moju odluku o mom tijelu." Zatim je rekao, "A što ako u budućnosti promijenite partnera? Što ako će ta osoba željeti djecu?" Nisam znala kako točno reagirati jer ono što sam čula je da mi ovaj liječnik govori da moram zanemariti sve što vjerujem ako partner zatraži da imamo djecu. Rekla sam mu da se ne mora brinuti oko toga. Svoj stav o trudnoći iznosim odmah na prvom spoju.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
(Cheering)
(Klicanje)
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
He then asks me to consider how "in 20 years, you could really come to regret this" ... as though I hadn't. I told him, "OK, if I wake up one day and realize, you know, I wish I'd made a different decision back then, the truth is, I'd only removed a single path to parenthood. I never needed biology to form family anyway."
Zatim me traži da razmislim o tome da bih "za 20 godina zaista mogla požaliti"... a već sam razmišljala o tome. Rekla sam mu, "U redu, ako se jednog dana probudim i shvatim da sam trebala donijeti drugačiju odluku, zapravo sam uklonila samo jedan način da postanem roditelj. Nikada mi nije trebala biologija da osnujem obitelj.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
And I would much rather deal with that any day than deal with one day waking up, realize I'd had a child that I didn't really want or was prepared to care for. Because one of these affects only me. The other affects a child, their development, their well-being --
I radije bih se jednom suočila s time, nego da se jednog dana probudim, shvatim da imam dijete koje zapravo nisam željela ili bila spremna brinuti se o njemu. Jedno od ovoga utječe samo na mene. Drugo utječe na dijete, njegov razvoj, njegovu dobrobit -
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
and human beings are not to be gambled with. He then tells me why no one was going to approve this procedure, certainly not he, because of a concept called medical paternalism, which allows him, as my well-informed provider, to make decisions for me ... based on his perception of my best interest, regardless of what I, as the patient, want or believe. He takes this opportunity to step out and discuss my case with my potential surgeon, and through the door, I hear him describe me as a little girl.
a s ljudima se ne smije kockati. Zatim mi je rekao zašto nitko neće odobriti ovaj zahvat, pogotovo ne on, zbog nečega što se zove medicinski paternalizam, koji mu dopušta da, kao osoba koja je stručna i koja mi daje informacije, umjesto mene donosi odluke na temelju onoga što on smatra da je najbolje za mene, bez obzira što ja, kao pacijentica, želim ili vjerujem. Iskoristio je priliku da raspravi o mom slučaju s mojim potencijalnim kirurgom i kroz vrata sam ga čula kako me opisuje kao djevojčicu.
I was so offended. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to explicitly explain to each one of these providers how they were treating me, that it was belittling and sexist, and I didn't have to take it. But I did take it. I swallowed every sharp word in my throat, clenched my jaw, and instead answered each one of their condescending questions and statements. I had come here looking for objectivity and support and instead I felt dismissed and silenced, and I hated myself for it. I hated that I was letting people disrespect me repeatedly. But this was my one shot.
Bila sam toliko uvrijeđena. Željela sam se obraniti. Željela sam jasno objasniti svakome od njih kako se odnose prema meni, da je to ponižavajuće i seksističko ponašanje i da ja to ne moram trpjeti. No, trpjela sam. Progutala sam svaku ružnu riječ, stisnula zube i odgovorila na svako njihovo patronizirajuće pitanje i tvrdnju. Došla sam tražeći objektivnost i podršku, a osjećala sam se odbačeno i ušutkano te sam se mrzila zbog toga. Mrzila sam što dopuštam da se prema meni stalno odnose s nepoštovanjem. Ali, to mi je bila jedina prilika.
That was one of multiple consultations that I had to go to. At one point, I had seen five or six medical professionals in the same hour. The door to the exam room felt more like the door to a clown car. There's my primary, there's his colleague, the director, OK. It felt like I was asking them to infect me with smallpox instead of, I don't know, obtain birth control. But I didn't waver, and I was persistent, and I eventually convinced one of them to allow the procedure. And even as I am in the room, signing the consent forms and getting the hormone shots and tying up loose ends ... my doctor is shaking his head in disapproval. "You'll change your mind."
To je bilo samo jedno od mnogih savjetovanja na koje sam morala ići. Jednom sam razgovarala s 5 ili 6 liječnika u sat vremena. Činilo se kao da sam na kolodvoru. Evo mog liječnika, evo njegovog kolege, evo upravitelja, u redu. Kao da sam ih tražila da me zaraze ospicama, a ne da mi omoguće kontracepciju. No, nisam se pokolebala, bila sam uporna i konačno uvjerila jednog od njih da mi dozvoli zahvat. Čak i kad sam potpisivala obrasce, dobivala injekcije hormona i sređivala ostalo, moj liječnik je odmahivao glavom u znak neslaganja. "Predomislit ćete se."
I never really understood how strongly this society clings to this role until I went through this. I experienced firsthand, repeatedly, how people, be it medical providers, colleagues, strangers, were literally unable to separate me being a woman from me being a mother. And I've always believed that having children was an extension of womanhood, not the definition. I believe that a woman's value should never be determined by whether or not she has a child, because that strips her of her entire identity as an adult unto herself. Women have this amazing ability to create life, but when we say that that is her purpose, that says that her entire existence is a means to an end.
Nikada mi nije bilo potpuno jasno koliko se društvo čvrsto drži te uloge dok nisam ovo prošla. Više puta sam iz prve ruke doživjela kako ljudi, bilo liječnici, kolege ili stranci, nisu u mogućnosti razlikovati mene kao ženu i mene kao majku. Uvijek sam vjerovala da je roditeljstvo samo produžetak ženstvenosti, a ne definicija. Vjerujem da se vrijednost žene nikada ne bi trebala mjeriti time ima li ona dijete ili ne, jer to narušava njezin cijeli identitet kao odrasle osobe. Žene imaju nevjerojatnu sposobnost da stvore život, ali ako kažemo da je to ženina svrha, to znači da je cijelo njezino postojanje svedeno na to da je ona samo sredstvo.
It's so easy to forget the roles that society places on us are so much more than mere titles. What about the weight that comes with them, the pressure to conform to these standards ... the fear associated with questioning them, and the desires that we cast aside to accept them? There are many paths to happiness and fulfillment. They all look very different, but I believe that every one is paved with the right to self-determination.
Lako je zaboraviti da su uloge koje nam društvo nameće mnogo više od običnih titula. Što je s teretom koji dolazi s njima, s pritiskom da se prilagodimo tim standardima, sa strahom da ih preispitamo i željama kojih se odričemo kako bismo ih prihvatili? Mnogo je načina da se postigne sreća i ispunjenje. Svi izgledaju veoma različito, ali vjerujem da je svaki od njih povezan s pravom na samoodređenje.
I want women to know that your choice to embrace or forego motherhood is not in any way tied to your worthiness or identity as spouses, as adults, or as women ... and there absolutely is a choice behind maternity, and it is yours and yours alone.
Želim da žene znaju da vaš izbor da prihvatite ili se suzdržite majčinstva nije nikako povezan s vašom vrijednošću ili identitetom kao partnerice, odrasle osobe ili žene i svakako postoji izbor kod pitanja majčinstva i to je vaš izbor i samo vaš.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)