Prepoznala sam uloge koje su mi nametnute, veoma rano. Jedan uporan koncept koji sam posmatrala -- postoji u nasem jeziku u našim medijima -- je taj da žene ne samo da treba da imaju decu, već se očekuje i da to žele. Ovo je postojalo svuda. Postojalo je u načinu na koji su odrasli pričali sa mnom kada su postavljali pitanja u kontekstu "kada." "Kada se udaš..." "Kada budeš imala decu..." I ove buduće misli su uvek bile meni predstavljene kao deo američkog sna ali meni je to uvek izgledalo kao nečiji tuđi san. Vidite, vrednost koju sam ja uvek razumela o sebi je ta da je nikada nisam želela decu. I kao dete, kada bih pokušala to da objasnim, taj raskorak između njihovih uloga i mojih vrednosti, obično bi se smejali na način na koji se odrasli smeju dečijim glupostima. I rekli bi mi znalački: "Promenićeš mišljenje."
I recognized the roles that were placed on me very early. One persistent concept that I observed -- existing in our language, in our media -- was that women are not only supposed to have children, they are supposed to want to. This existed everywhere. It existed in the ways that adults spoke to me when they posed questions in the context of "when." "When you get married ..." "When you have kids ..." And these future musings were always presented to me like part of this American dream, but it always felt to me like someone else's dream. You see, a value that I have always understood about myself was that I never wanted children. And as a kid, when I would try to explain this, this disconnect between their roles and my values, they often laughed in the way that adults do at the absurdities of children. And they would tell me knowingly, "You'll change your mind."
I ljudi su mi govorili slične stvari celog mog života. Inače pristojan razgovor može se brzo pretvoriti u nametljiv. "Da li tvoj muž zna?"
And people have been saying things like that to me my whole life. Otherwise polite conversation can turn intrusive fast. "Does your husband know?"
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
"Da li ti roditelji znaju?"
"Do your parents know?"
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
"Zar ne želiš porodicu?" "Zar ne želiš ostaviti nešto iza sebe?" I prvo što ti kažu kada pričaš o nemanju dece: "To je sebično."
"Don't you want a family?" "Don't you want to leave anything behind?" And the primary buzzword when discussing childlessness, "That's selfish."
Bezbrojni su razlozi koje žena može imati zbog kojih je izabrala da se suzdrži od majčinstva, većina njih nisu u cilju stavljanja sebe na prvo mesto. Ali je i dalje socijalno prihvatljivo javno omalovažavati ženu kao takvu, zato što nijedan od tih razloga nije ušao u društveni narativ. Kada sam kao mala učila o neizbežnosti majčinstva, nikad mi nije objašnjena učestalost tih faktora koje žena razmatra, kao što su rizik od prenošenja naslednih bolesti, opasnost kada moraš prekinuti uzimati lek koji ti je neophodan za vreme trajanja trudnoće, zabrinutost oko prenaseljenosti, tvoj pristup resursima, i činjenica da se 415.000 dece nalazi u hraniteljstvu u svakom momentu u Sjedinjenim Američkim Državama. Razlozi kao ovi, mnogi drugi, i činjenica da mi se ne sviđa da stvari ovakvih razmera prepustim slučaju, su pohranili moju odluku da se hirurški sterilišem.
There are countless reasons a woman may have for choosing to abstain from motherhood, the majority of them not self-prioritizing. But it is still socially acceptable to publicly vilify women as such, because none of these reasons have made it into the social narrative. When I was little and learning about the inevitability of maternity, it was never explained to me the commonness of these factors that women consider, like the risk of passing on hereditary illness, the danger of having to stop life-saving medication for the duration of your pregnancy, concern about overpopulation, your access to resources, and the fact that there are 415,000 children in the foster-care system in the United States at any given time. Reasons like these, many more, and the fact that I don't like to leave things of this magnitude to chance, all informed my decision to become surgically sterilized.
Počela sam da istražujem sa uzbuđenjem, želela sam da potpuno razumem sve što ide uz proceduru tubalne ligacije, što je drugi naziv za podvezivanje jajovoda. Želela sam da znam rezultat, postotak zadovoljstva, rizike i statistiku I na početku, bila sam osnažena. Vidite, prema pričama kojima su mene učili, ja bih pomislila da su retke žene koje ne žele decu, I onda sam saznala da jedna od pet američkih žena neće imati biološko dete, neke po izboru, neke zbog okolnosti.
I began my research eagerly. I wanted to fully understand all that was going to come with undergoing a tubal ligation, which is just another word for getting your tubes tied. I wanted to know approval to aftermath, satisfaction rates, risks, statistics. And at first, I was empowered. You see, the way the narrative has always been taught to me, I would have thought that women who didn't want children were so rare, and then I learned one in five American women won't be having a biological child -- some by choice, some by chance.
(Aplauz)
(Applause)
Ali ja nisam bila sama. Ali što sam više čitala, više sam bila obeshrabrena. Čitala sam priče žena, koje su očajno pokušavale da dobiju ovu proceduru. Saznala sam koliko je često da žene iscrpe svoje finansije, obraćajući se desetinama ginekologa, tokom mnogo godina, samo da bi bile odbijene toliko puta, često sa tako očiglednim nepoštovanjem da su samo odustale. Žene su izjavile da su lekari često bili snishodljivi, negativni u vezi njihovih motiva, rečeno im je nešto kao: "Vratite se kad se udate i imate dete. " Ali ženama koje su imale decu, i otišle da dobiju ovaj tretman, bilo je rečeno da su premlade, ili da nemaju dovoljno dece, što je veoma interesantno, budući da su zakonski uslovi u mojoj državi za dobijanje operacije ove vrste: "Najmanje 21 godina starosti," "izgledaj da si pri zdravom razumu, nastupaj po svojoj zamisli," i "sačekaj 30 dana." I ja sam bila začuđena da sam zadovoljila sve zakonske uslove, a ipak morala da se suočim sa borbom u ordinaciji za autonomiju nad mojim telom. I to je bilo obeshrabrujuće, ali ja sam bila odlučna.
But I was not alone. But the more I read, the more disheartened I became. I read women's stories, trying desperately to get this procedure. I learned how common it was for women to exhaust their finances appealing to dozens of ob-gyns over many years, only to be turned down so many times, often with such blatant disrespect that they just gave up. Women reported that medical practitioners were often condescending and dismissive of their motivations, being told things like, "Come back when you're married with a child." But women who did have children, who went to go get this procedure, were told they were too young, or they didn't have enough children, which is very interesting, because the legal requirements in my state for getting this kind of surgery were, "Be at least 21 years old," "appear of sound mind, acting of your own accord," and "have a 30-day waiting period." And I was perplexed that I could meet all of these legal requirements and still have to face a battle in the exam room for my bodily autonomy. And it was daunting, but I was determined.
Sećam se da sam se obukla profesionalno za taj prvi sastanak.
I remember I dressed so professionally to that first appointment.
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
Sedela sam uspravno. Pričala jasno. Želela sam da tom doktoru dam svaki mogući dokaz da ja nisam datum rođenja u tom fajlu. I pobrinula sam se da pomenem stvari kao: "Upravo sam diplomirala i apliciram na ove doktorske studije, ja ću da studiram to i to." I "moj dugogodišnji partner ima takav i takav biznis," i "ja sam istraživala o ovome mesecima. Razumem sve o tome, sve rizike." Zato što mi je trebalo da doktor zna da ovo nije samo hir, nije revolt, da ja nisam dvadesetogodišnjakinja koja hoće da može da se zabavlja bez straha da ostane trudna... (Smeh) da ovo podržava nešto što je sastavni deo mene.
I sat up straight. I spoke clearly. I wanted to give that doctor every piece of evidence that I was not the date of birth in that file. And I made sure to mention things like, "I just got my bachelor's degree and I'm applying to these doctoral programs, I'm going to study these things." And "my long-term partner has this kind of business," and "I've done research on this for months. I understand everything about it, all the risks." Because I needed the doctor to know that this was not a whim, not reactionary, not your 20-something looking to go out and party without fear of getting knocked up ... (Laughter) that this supported something integral to who I was.
I da razumem informisani pristanak, tako da sam u potpunosti očekivala da budem re-edukovana o tome, ali... U jednom momentu, informacije koje su mi dali, počele su da deluju sa namerom isprepletane sa pristrasnošću i preduvanom statistikom. Pitanja su počela da budu ispitivačka. U početku su mi postavljali pitanja koja su izgledala u cilju, da bi razumeli bolje moju situaciju, i onda je izgledalo da su me ispitivali sa ciljem da me pokolebaju. Osećala sam se kao na ispitivačkoj klupi, unakrsno ispitivana.
And I understand informed consent, so I fully expected to be reeducated on how it all worked, but ... At one point, the information being given to me started to feel agenda'd, interlaced with bias and inflated statistics. The questions began to feel interrogative. At first they were asking me questions that seemed to understand my situation better, and then it seemed like they were asking questions to try to trip me up. I felt like I was on the witness stand, being cross-examined.
Doktor me je pitao o mom partneru: "Kako se on ili ona oseća po ovom pitanju?" "Pa, ja sam sa istim muškarcem pet godina, i on u potpuno podržava bilo koju odluku o mom telu." A on će na to: "A šta se dešava u budućnosti, ako promeniš partnera? Šta se dešava ako ta osoba bude htela decu?" I ja nisam znala kako da reagujem na to, jer ono što sam ja čula je to da mi ovaj lekar govori da ja treba da odbacim sve u šta verujem, ako moj partner zahteva decu. Pa sam mu ja rekla da ne brine o tome. Moj stav o nemanju dece je oduvek bio tema na prvom sastanku.
The doctor asked me about my partner. "How does he or she feel about all of this?" "Well, I've been with the same man for five years, and he fully supports any decision I make for my body." And he said, "Well, what happens in the future, if you change partners? What happens when that person wants children?" And I didn't quite know how to react to that, because what I was hearing was this doctor tell me that I'm supposed to disregard everything I believe if a partner demands children. So I told him not to worry about that. My stance on childbearing has always been first date conversation.
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
(Ovacije)
(Cheering)
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
Onda mi je tražio da razmotrim kako "za 20 godina, možeš zaista zažaliti zbog ovoga"... kao da već nisam. Rekla sam mu: "OK, ako se probudim jednog dana i shvatim, znate, da želim da sam donela drugačiju odluku u prošlosti, istina je, ja sam samo uklonila jedan od puteva ka roditeljstvu Nije mi ni bila potrebna biologija da imam porodicu."
He then asks me to consider how "in 20 years, you could really come to regret this" ... as though I hadn't. I told him, "OK, if I wake up one day and realize, you know, I wish I'd made a different decision back then, the truth is, I'd only removed a single path to parenthood. I never needed biology to form family anyway."
(Aplauz)
(Applause)
Radije bih se nosila sa tim bilo koji dan, nego da se jednom probudim, shvateći da imam dete koje zaista ne želim ili o kojem nisam spremna da brinem. Zato što prvo utiče samo na mene. Drugo utiče na dete, njegov razvoj, dobrostanje --
And I would much rather deal with that any day than deal with one day waking up, realize I'd had a child that I didn't really want or was prepared to care for. Because one of these affects only me. The other affects a child, their development, their well-being --
(Aplauz)
(Applause)
a ljudskim bićima se ne treba kockati. On mi onda kaže kako mi niko neće odobriti ovu operaciju, sigurno ne on, zbog koncepta zvanog medicinski paternalizam, koji mu dozvoljava da kao dobro informisani provajder, donese odluke za mene... bazirano na njegovoj percepciji o mom najboljem interesu, bez obzira na to šta ja, kao pacijent, želim i verujem. On koristi ovu priliku da istupi i diskutuje o mom slučaju sa mojim potencijalnim hirurgom, i kroz vrata, ja ga čujem kako me opisuje kao malu devojčicu.
and human beings are not to be gambled with. He then tells me why no one was going to approve this procedure, certainly not he, because of a concept called medical paternalism, which allows him, as my well-informed provider, to make decisions for me ... based on his perception of my best interest, regardless of what I, as the patient, want or believe. He takes this opportunity to step out and discuss my case with my potential surgeon, and through the door, I hear him describe me as a little girl.
Bila sam tako uvređena. Želela sam da se branim. Želela sam da izričito objasnim svakom od tih provajdera kako su me tretirali, kako je to bilo omalovažavajuće i seksistički, i da ja nisam morala to da trpim. Ali ja to jesam trpela. Progutala sam svaku oštru reč u mom grlu, stisnula zube, i umesto toga odgovorila na svako njihovo snishodljivo pitanje i izjavu. Došla sam ovde tražeći objektivnost i podršku, a umesto toga osećala sam se napuštenom i utišanom, i mrzela sam sebe zbog toga. Mrzela sam što sam dozvoljavala ljudima da me uzastopno tretiraju sa nepoštovanjem. Ali to je bila moja jedina šansa.
I was so offended. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to explicitly explain to each one of these providers how they were treating me, that it was belittling and sexist, and I didn't have to take it. But I did take it. I swallowed every sharp word in my throat, clenched my jaw, and instead answered each one of their condescending questions and statements. I had come here looking for objectivity and support and instead I felt dismissed and silenced, and I hated myself for it. I hated that I was letting people disrespect me repeatedly. But this was my one shot.
To je bila jedna od višestrukih konsultacija na koje sam morala da odem. U jednom momentu, posetila sam pet ili šest lekara u istom satu. Vrata ka ordinaciji izgledala su više kao vrata ka klovnovskom autu. Tu je moj lekar, tu je njegov kolega, direktor, OK. Osećala sam se kao da sam im tražila da me inficiraju malim boginjama umesto, ne znam, kontracepcije. Ali ja nisam pokleknula, bila sam uporna, i na kraju sam ubedila jednog od njih da odobri operaciju. I čak dok sam u sobi, potpisujem formulare i dobijam hormonske inekcije i podvezujući rastavljene krajeve... moj doktor odmahuje glavom u neodobravanju. "Promenićeš mišljenje."
That was one of multiple consultations that I had to go to. At one point, I had seen five or six medical professionals in the same hour. The door to the exam room felt more like the door to a clown car. There's my primary, there's his colleague, the director, OK. It felt like I was asking them to infect me with smallpox instead of, I don't know, obtain birth control. But I didn't waver, and I was persistent, and I eventually convinced one of them to allow the procedure. And even as I am in the room, signing the consent forms and getting the hormone shots and tying up loose ends ... my doctor is shaking his head in disapproval. "You'll change your mind."
Nikada nisam zapravo razumela koliko se snažno ovo društvo drži ove uloge dok nisam prošla kroz ovo. Doživela sam iz prve ruke, više puta, kako su ljudi, bilo to lekari, kolege, stranci, bili bukvalno u nemogućnosti da razdvoje mene kao ženu od mene kao majke. A ja sam oduvek verovala da je imati decu bilo produženje ženstvenosti, a ne definicija. Ja verujem da ženina vrednost ne bi nikada trebalo da bude određena po tome da li ili ne ona ima decu, jer joj to oduzima njen ceo identitet kao odraslog u njoj. Žene imaju ovu neverovatnu sposobnost da stvore život, ali kada kažemo da je to njena svrha, to ukazuje na to da je njeno celokupno postojanje sredstvo za cilj.
I never really understood how strongly this society clings to this role until I went through this. I experienced firsthand, repeatedly, how people, be it medical providers, colleagues, strangers, were literally unable to separate me being a woman from me being a mother. And I've always believed that having children was an extension of womanhood, not the definition. I believe that a woman's value should never be determined by whether or not she has a child, because that strips her of her entire identity as an adult unto herself. Women have this amazing ability to create life, but when we say that that is her purpose, that says that her entire existence is a means to an end.
Lako je zaboraviti da su uloge koje nam društvo nameće mnogo više nego puki nazivi. Šta je sa težinom koja dolazi sa njima, pritiskom da zadovoljimo te standarde... strahom povezanim sa sumnjom u njih, i željama koje odbacimo da bismo ih prihvatili? Ima mnogo puteva do sreće i ispunjenja. Oni svi izgledaju veoma različito, ali ja verujem da svi oni su popločani sa pravom na samo-određenje.
It's so easy to forget the roles that society places on us are so much more than mere titles. What about the weight that comes with them, the pressure to conform to these standards ... the fear associated with questioning them, and the desires that we cast aside to accept them? There are many paths to happiness and fulfillment. They all look very different, but I believe that every one is paved with the right to self-determination.
Žene, želim da znate da vaš izbor da prihvatite ili odbijete majčinstvo nije ni na koji način povezano sa vašom vrednošću ili identitetom kao supruge, kao odraslog, ili kao žene... i apsolutno postoji izbor iza majčinstva, i on je vaš i samo vaš.
I want women to know that your choice to embrace or forego motherhood is not in any way tied to your worthiness or identity as spouses, as adults, or as women ... and there absolutely is a choice behind maternity, and it is yours and yours alone.
Hvala.
Thank you.
(Aplauz)
(Applause)