What is a parent?
乜嘢係父母?
What is a parent?
阿爸,阿媽又係乜嘢?
It's not an easy question. Today we have adoption, stepfamilies, surrogate mothers. Many parents face tough questions and tough decisions. Shall we tell our child about the sperm donation? If so, when? What words to use? Sperm donors are often referred to as "biological fathers," but should we really be using the word "father?"
呢個問題唔簡單 今日,我哋有領養 再婚家庭 同代孕媽媽 好多父母都面臨著難題 同艱難嘅選擇 講唔講畀個细路知 精子捐贈呢件事? 如果講, 幾時講? 點講? 精子捐贈人通常被稱為「親身阿爸」 但係我哋應唔應該用「阿爸」呢個詞?
As a philosopher and social scientist, I have been studying these questions about the concept of parenthood. But today, I will talk to you about what I learned from talking to parents and children. I will show you that they know what matters most in a family, even though their family looks a little different. I will show you their creative ways of dealing with tough questions. But I will also show you the parents' uncertainties.
身為一個哲學家同社會科學家 我研究父母身份呢個問題 今日,我想同大家講下 我同啲父母同細路 傾偈學到嘅嘢 佢哋知道個屋企裡邊咩最緊要 就算佢哋同一般家庭有啲唔同 我會講下佢哋點有創意咁處理難題 亦會講下呢啲父母嘅不安
We interviewed couples who received fertility treatment at Ghent University Hospital, using sperm from a donor. In this treatment timeline, you can see two points at which we conducted interviews. We included heterosexual couples, where the man for some reason did not have good-quality sperm, and lesbian couples who obviously needed to find sperm elsewhere. We also included children. I wanted to know how those children define concepts like parenthood and family. In fact, that is what I asked them, only not in that way. I drew an apple tree instead. This way, I could ask abstract, philosophical questions in a way that did not make them run off.
我哋採訪過幾對 喺根特大學附屬醫院 接受不孕治療 通過精子捐贈而受孕嘅夫婦 我哋喺呢個治療嘅 時間線上嘅兩個點 (治療同之後 7-10 年)做採訪 我哋包括咗因男方不育嚟尋治嘅 異性戀夫婦 同需要精子捐贈嘅女同性戀夫婦 我哋亦包括佐啲細路 我之前想知 啲細路點定義父母同家庭 事實上,我有問佢哋呢個問題 不過用咗唔同嘅問法 我畫咗一棵蘋果樹 然後以一種唔容易離題嘅方式 問佢哋一啲抽象嘅、哲學性嘅問題
So as you can see, the apple tree is empty. And that illustrates my research approach. By designing techniques like this, I can bring as little meaning and content as possible to the interview, because I want to hear that from them.
大家喺度睇到 呢棵蘋果樹係空嘅 呢個就係我嘅研究方法 咁樣 我可以盡量減少我講嘅嘢 而將重點放喺佢哋講嘅嘢
I asked them: What would your family look like if it were an apple tree? And they could take a paper apple for everyone who, in their view, was a member of the family, write a name on it and hang it wherever they wanted. And I would ask questions. Most children started with a parent or a sibling. One started with "Boxer," the dead dog of his grandparents.
我問佢哋: 如果你嘅家庭係一顆蘋果樹 佢會係咩樣? 佢哋就係代表 家庭成員嘅紙蘋果寫上個名 想挂喺樹上嘅邊度就掛嗰度 然後我再問問題,多數細路 會從爸爸媽媽或者兄弟姊妹度講起 有個細路從 「拳師」講起 佢係個細路嘅阿爺屋企死咗嘅狗仔
At this point, none of the children started mentioning the donor. So, I asked them about their birth story. I said, "Before you were born, it was just your mom and dad, or mom and mommy. Can you tell me how you came into the family?" And they explained. One said, "My parents did not have good seeds, but there are friendly men out there who have spare seeds. They bring them to the hospital, and they put them in a big jar. My mommy went there, and she took two from the jar, one for me and one for my sister. She put the seeds in her belly -- somehow -- and her belly grew really big, and there I was."
嗰時,冇一個細路提及精子捐贈人 我問佢哋出世嘅故仔嗰時 我話:「喺你出世之前, 個屋企就得你嘅爸爸、媽媽, 或者媽媽同媽咪。你可唔可以 同我講下你係點嚟到呢個屋企呢?」 佢哋就講畀我聽 一個細路話 「我嘅阿爸阿媽冇好嘅種子, 但係有啲好人有剩餘嘅種子, 佢哋將啲種子帶去醫院度, 放喺一個大罐度。 我媽咪佢喺醫院 從個罐度摞咗兩粒種子, 一個係我,一個係我妹妹。 佢將種植放入佢肚腩度。 唔知點, 佢嘅肚腩就變到好大, 然後我就出咗世。」
Hmm. So only when they started mentioning the donor, I asked questions about him, using their own words. I said, "If this would be an apple for the friendly man with the seeds, what would you do with it?" And one boy was thinking out loud, holding the apple. And he said, "I won't put this one up there with the others. He's not part of my family. But I will not put him on the ground. That's too cold and too hard. I think he should be in the trunk, because he made my family possible. If he would not have done this, that would really be sad because my family would not be here, and I would not be here."
嗯 佢哋有提到精子捐贈人時 我就用佢哋嘅語言 問關於捐赠人嘅問題 我話 「如果呢個蘋果係 嗰個有種植嘅好人, 你會點做?」 有個男仔攞住個紙蘋果 諗邊講 話: 「我唔會將個蘋果放喺個樹上, 佢唔係我屋企人, 但係我亦唔會將佢放喺個地度, 個地度太凍太硬。 我覺得佢應該喺個樹幹度, 因為佢使我哋有個屋企, 如果冇佢(將種子放入個罐度), 就冇我哋屋企, 咁就好慘喇, 我就唔會喺度。」
So also, parents constructed family tales -- tales to tell their children. One couple explained their insemination by taking their children to a farm to watch a vet inseminate cows. And why not? It's their way of explaining; their do-it-yourself with family narratives. DIY. And we had another couple who made books -- a book for each child. They were really works of art containing their thoughts and feelings throughout the treatment. They even had the hospital parking tickets in there.
所以,父母都會講啲 關於屋企嘅故仔畀啲仔女聽 有對夫婦為咗解釋佢哋受精嘅過程 帶咗啲仔女去農場 睇獸醫同奶牛接種 有咩唔得呢? 呢個係佢哋解釋嘅方式 佢哋自製嘅家庭敘事方式 DIY 我哋仲採訪咗一對自己整書 一個細路一本書嘅夫婦 嗰啲書真係藝術品 寫咗夫婦喺治療過程嘅感想 仲放埋當時喺醫院嘅泊車飛入去
So it is DIY: finding ways, words and images to tell your family story to your child. And these stories were highly diverse, but they all had one thing in common: it was a tale of longing for a child and a quest for that child. It was about how special and how deeply loved their child was. And research so far shows that these children are doing fine. They do not have more problems than other kids.
呢就係 DIY 揾到方法、語言同畫面 將你屋企嘅故仔話畀啲仔女知 呢啲故仔多種多樣 但係有個共同點: 都有講對 BB 嘅渴望 同追求 係關於佢哋對仔女深深嘅愛 研究顯示, 呢啲仔女發育得好正常 並冇比其他細路多問題
Yet, these parents also wanted to justify their decisions through the tales they tell. They hoped that their children would understand their reasons for making the family in this way. Underlying was a fear that their children might disapprove and would reject the non-genetic parent. And that fear is understandable, because we live in a very heteronormative and geneticized society -- a world that still believes that true families consist of one mom, one dad and their genetically related children.
但係,呢啲父母亦想通過啲家庭故仔 為自己辯護 佢哋希望佢哋嘅仔女明白 佢哋用呢種方式組建家庭嘅理由 表面之下,佢哋好驚佢哋嘅仔女會 唔認同甚至抗拒冇血緣嘅父母 呢種擔心係情有可原 事關我哋身處一個異性主流 同強調基因遺傳嘅社會 一個仲係相信一個真正嘅家庭 有一個爸爸,一個媽媽,仲有 同佢哋有血緣關係嘅仔女嘅家庭
Well. I want to tell you about a teenage boy. He was donor-conceived but not part of our study. One day, he had an argument with his father, and he yelled, "You're telling me what to do? You're not even my father!" That was exactly what the parents in our study feared. Now, the boy soon felt sorry, and they made up. But it is the reaction of his father that is most interesting.
噢 我想同大家分享一個男仔嘅故仔 佢係靠捐贈出世 但唔係我哋嘅研究對象 有一日,佢同佢阿爸鬧交 佢話: 「你要叫我做嘢? 你都唔係我爸爸!」 呢就係我哋研究嘅父母最驚嘅 呢個男仔好快就知錯 然後同佢爸爸好返 最好玩嘅就係佢爸爸對呢件事嘅反應
He said, "This outburst had nothing to do with the lack of a genetic link. It was about puberty -- being difficult. It's what they do at that age. It will pass."
佢話: 「成件事同我哋冇基因聯繫冇關係, 關個仔喺青春期多啲。 到嗰個年齡就係咁㗎啦, 而且會過去嘅。」
What this man shows us is that when something goes wrong, we should not immediately think it is because the family is a little different. These things happen in all families. And every now and then, all parents may wonder: Am I a good enough parent? These parents, too. They, above all, wanted to do what's best for their child. But they also sometimes wondered: Am I a real parent? And their uncertainties were present long before they even were parents.
呢個男人使我哋明白 有啲事唔順利時 唔好即刻諗 係因為屋企有啲唔同 查實個個屋企都會有啲嘢唔同 而且 所有嘅父母都想知 佢哋做阿爸阿媽夠唔夠稱職 我哋研究嘅父母亦會咁問 畢竟,佢哋都想畀仔女最好嘅嘢 佢哋有時亦會諗 我係咪一個真正嘅阿爸阿媽? 佢哋喺做爸爸媽媽之前就唔確定
At the start of treatment, when they first saw the counselor, they paid close attention to the counselor, because they wanted to do it right. Even 10 years later, they still remember the advice they were given.
個療程啱啱開始時 佢哋第一次去見諮詢師時 佢哋就聽得好專心 事關佢哋好想做得好 甚至十年後 佢哋仲記得當初收到嘅建議
So when they thought about the counselor and the advice they were given, we discussed that. And we saw one lesbian couple who said, "When our son asks us, 'Do I have a dad?' we will say 'No, you do not have a dad.' But we will say nothing more, not unless he asks, because he might not be ready for that. The counselor said so."
所以佢哋諗起嗰個諮詢師 同佢畀嘅建議 我哋就討論下 有一對女同性戀夫婦講: 「我哋嘅仔仔問我哋︰ 『我有冇阿爸?』 我哋會話:『唔,你冇阿爸。』 但係我哋唔會再講咩,除非佢再問, 事關佢可能未準備好接受嗰個答案。 嗰個諮詢師都話係咁。」
Well. I don't know; that's quite different from how we respond to children's questions. Like, "Milk -- is that made in a factory?" We will say, "No, it comes from cows," and we will talk about the farmer, and the way the milk ends up in the shop. We will not say, "No, milk is not made in a factory." So something strange happened here, and of course these children noticed that.
好 呢個同我哋一般 解答細路嘅問題好唔一樣 譬如「牛奶係咪喺工廠裡邊造出嚟?」 我哋會話「唔係, 牛奶喺奶牛個度出嚟嘅。」 然後我哋會講下農民 同牛奶點樣去到商店 我哋唔會講 「唔係,牛奶唔係喺工廠度 整出嚟嘅。」 所以就有怪事發生 啲細路都發覺到
One boy said, "I asked my parents loads of questions, but they acted really weird. So, you know, I have a friend at school, and she's made in the same way. When I have a question, I just go and ask her." Clever guy. Problem solved. But his parents did not notice, and it certainly was not what they had in mind, nor what the counselor had in mind when they were saying how important it is to be an open-communication family.
一個男仔講︰ 「我問我爸媽好多問題, 但係佢哋嘅反應得好奇怪。 我喺學校有個朋友, 佢亦係捐贈受孕出世嘅。 我有嘢想問時, 就直頭去問佢。」 叻仔! 問題就咁解決咗 但係佢嘅父母都唔覺得係咁 佢哋同個諮詢師討論建立 一個開放式溝通嘅家庭時 應該冇諗到呢個情況
And that's the strange thing about advice. When we offer people pills, we gather evidence first. We do tests, we do follow-up studies. We want to know, and rightly so, what this pill is doing and how it affects people's lives. And advice? It is not enough for advice, or for professionals to give advice that is theoretically sound, or well-meant. It should be advice that there is evidence for -- evidence that it actually improves patients' lives.
畀人哋意見就係奇怪 我哋同人開藥時,會先收集證據 再做化驗 再做後續研究 我哋要知道個藥丸有咩作用 同會點影響病人嘅生活 至於畀意見呢? 專家畀意見 唔應該就係理論上好好 或者有善意,就得喇 畀出嘅意見應該有 真正改善人嘅生活嘅證據
So the philosopher in me would now like to offer you a paradox: I advise you to stop following advice. But, yes.
身為一個哲學家 我想畀大家一個悖論諗下: 我建議大家唔再聽從任何建議 係
(Applause)
(掌聲)
I will not end here with what went wrong; I would not be doing justice to the warmth we found in those families. Remember the books and the trip to the farmer? When parents do things that work for them, they do brilliant things. What I want you to remember as members of families, in no matter what form or shape, is that what families need are warm relationships. And we do not need to be professionals to create those. Most of us do just fine, although it may be hard work, and from time to time, we can do with some advice.
我唔想講完咩錯咗就停低 咁係對唔住我哋研究嘅咁溫暖嘅家庭 仲記唔記得 嗰啲自製書同去農場嘅郊遊? 父母做適合啲仔女嘅嘢時 佢哋做得好叻 我想大家記住,作為家庭嘅一份子 無論個屋企係咩形式 屋企人需要互相關愛 冇專業人士嘅指導 我哋都會做得好好 雖然可能會好難 時不時,仲要聽下其他人嘅意見
In that case, bear in mind three things. Work with advice that works for your family. Remember -- you're the expert, because you live your family life. And finally, believe in your abilities and your creativity, because you can do it yourself.
所以 記住三件事 聽取適合你屋企人嘅意見 記住,你係專家 事關呢個係你同你家人嘅生活 收屘 相信你自己嘅能力同創意 你自己搞得掂
Thank you.
多謝
(Applause)
(鼓掌)