What is a parent?
Što je to roditelj?
What is a parent?
Što je to roditelj?
It's not an easy question. Today we have adoption, stepfamilies, surrogate mothers. Many parents face tough questions and tough decisions. Shall we tell our child about the sperm donation? If so, when? What words to use? Sperm donors are often referred to as "biological fathers," but should we really be using the word "father?"
Nije lako pitanje. Danas imamo posvajanje, reorganizirane obitelji, surogat majke. Mnogi roditelji se suočavaju s teškim pitanjima i teškim odlukama. Trebamo li reći djetetu o doniranju sperme? Ako trebamo, kada dakle? Kojim riječima? Donatore sperme se često naziva "biološkim očevima", ali trebamo li zaista koristiti riječ "otac"?
As a philosopher and social scientist, I have been studying these questions about the concept of parenthood. But today, I will talk to you about what I learned from talking to parents and children. I will show you that they know what matters most in a family, even though their family looks a little different. I will show you their creative ways of dealing with tough questions. But I will also show you the parents' uncertainties.
Kao filozofkinja i sociologinja, Proučavala sam ova pitanja o konceptu roditeljstva. Ali danas, govorit ću vam što sam naučila iz razgovora s roditeljima i s djecom. Pokazat ću vam da oni znaju što je najvažnije u obitelji iako njihove obitelji izgledaju malo drugačije. Pokazat ću vam njihove kreativne načine suočavanja s teškim pitanjima. Ali ću vam pokazati i nesigurnosti roditelja.
We interviewed couples who received fertility treatment at Ghent University Hospital, using sperm from a donor. In this treatment timeline, you can see two points at which we conducted interviews. We included heterosexual couples, where the man for some reason did not have good-quality sperm, and lesbian couples who obviously needed to find sperm elsewhere. We also included children. I wanted to know how those children define concepts like parenthood and family. In fact, that is what I asked them, only not in that way. I drew an apple tree instead. This way, I could ask abstract, philosophical questions in a way that did not make them run off.
Intervjuirali smo parove koji su bili na liječenju neplodnosti u bolnici sveučilišta u Ghentu koristeći spermu donatora. Za vrijeme ovog tretmana, možete vidjeti dva trenutka u kojima smo proveli intervjue. Uključili smo heteroseksualne parove, u kojima muškarac iz nekog razloga nije imao kvalitetnu spermu i lezbijske parove koje su očito trebale pronaći spermu drugdje. Uključili smo i djecu. Željela sam znati kako ova djeca određuju koncepte poput roditeljstva i obitelji. Zapravo, to sam ih pitala, ali ne na taj način. Umjesto toga, nacrtala sam drvo jabuke. Ovako sam mogla pitati apstraktna filozofska pitanja tako da ih ne otjeram.
So as you can see, the apple tree is empty. And that illustrates my research approach. By designing techniques like this, I can bring as little meaning and content as possible to the interview, because I want to hear that from them.
Kao što možete vidjeti, drvo jabuke je prazno. I predstavlja moj pristup istraživanju. Ovakvim tehnikama mogu u intervju donijeti vrlo malo značenja i sadržaja jer to želim čuti od njih.
I asked them: What would your family look like if it were an apple tree? And they could take a paper apple for everyone who, in their view, was a member of the family, write a name on it and hang it wherever they wanted. And I would ask questions. Most children started with a parent or a sibling. One started with "Boxer," the dead dog of his grandparents.
Pitala sam ih: Kako bi tvoja obitelj izgledala da je drvo jabuke? Oni bi uzeli papirnatu jabuku za svakoga tko je, prema njihovom mišljenju, član obitelji, napisali bi ime na papir i stavili ga gdje žele. A ja bih postavila pitanja. Većina djece je počelo s roditeljem, bratom ili sestrom. Jedno je počelo s "Boxerom", uginulim psom njegovog bake i djeda.
At this point, none of the children started mentioning the donor. So, I asked them about their birth story. I said, "Before you were born, it was just your mom and dad, or mom and mommy. Can you tell me how you came into the family?" And they explained. One said, "My parents did not have good seeds, but there are friendly men out there who have spare seeds. They bring them to the hospital, and they put them in a big jar. My mommy went there, and she took two from the jar, one for me and one for my sister. She put the seeds in her belly -- somehow -- and her belly grew really big, and there I was."
U ovom trenutku, nijedno dijete nije spomenulo donatora. Stoga sam ih upitala za priču o njihovom rođenju. Rekla sam, "Prije nego što si rođen, bili su samo tvoji mama i tata, ili mama i mama. Možeš li mi reći kako si ti došao u obitelj?" I oni su objasnili. Jedno je dijete reklo, "Moji roditelji nisu imali dobro sjeme, ali postoje ljubazni muškarci koji imaju viška sjemena. Dovedu ih u bolnicu, i stave ih u veliku staklenku. Moja mama je išla tamo, i uzela je dva iz staklenke, jedno za mene i jedno za moju sestru. Stavila je sjeme u svoj trbuh -- nekako -- i trbuh je narastao jako velik, i tako sam ja došao."
Hmm. So only when they started mentioning the donor, I asked questions about him, using their own words. I said, "If this would be an apple for the friendly man with the seeds, what would you do with it?" And one boy was thinking out loud, holding the apple. And he said, "I won't put this one up there with the others. He's not part of my family. But I will not put him on the ground. That's too cold and too hard. I think he should be in the trunk, because he made my family possible. If he would not have done this, that would really be sad because my family would not be here, and I would not be here."
Hmm. Tek kad su oni spomenuli donatora ja sam pitala za njega, koristeći njihove riječi. Rekla sam, "Ako je ovo jabuka za ljubaznog čovjeka sa sjemenom, što bi učinio s njom?" Jedan je dječak razmišljao naglas, držeći jabuku. Rekao je, "Neću je staviti gore s ostalima. On nije dio moje obitelji. Ali neću ga staviti na zemlju. Tu je prehladno i preteško. Mislim da bi trebao biti u deblu, jer je omogućio moju obitelj. Da on to nije učinio, to bi zbilja bilo tužno jer moje obitelji ne bi bilo, i ne bi bilo mene."
So also, parents constructed family tales -- tales to tell their children. One couple explained their insemination by taking their children to a farm to watch a vet inseminate cows. And why not? It's their way of explaining; their do-it-yourself with family narratives. DIY. And we had another couple who made books -- a book for each child. They were really works of art containing their thoughts and feelings throughout the treatment. They even had the hospital parking tickets in there.
Roditelji su stvorili obiteljske priče -- priče koje su ispričali djeci. Jedan par je objasnio njihovu oplodnju tako što su odveli djecu na farmu da vide kako veterinar oplodi krave. I zašto ne? To je njihov način objašnjavanja, njihov uradi-sam s obiteljskim pričama. Uradi-sam. Bio je jedan par koji je radio knjige -- jedna knjiga za svako dijete. Zaista su bila umjetnička djela. koja sadrže njihove misli i osjećaje tijekom tretmana. Čak su imali parkirne karte iz bolnice.
So it is DIY: finding ways, words and images to tell your family story to your child. And these stories were highly diverse, but they all had one thing in common: it was a tale of longing for a child and a quest for that child. It was about how special and how deeply loved their child was. And research so far shows that these children are doing fine. They do not have more problems than other kids.
To je uradi-sam: pronalaženje načina, riječi i slika da se obiteljska priča ispriča svom djetetu. Ove priče su vrlo raznolike, ali svima je jedno zajedničko: to je priča o čežnji za djetetom i potragom za njim. Radi se o tome koliko je njihovo dijete posebno i voljeno. A istraživanja zasad pokazuju da je toj djeci dobro. Nemaju više problema od ostale djece.
Yet, these parents also wanted to justify their decisions through the tales they tell. They hoped that their children would understand their reasons for making the family in this way. Underlying was a fear that their children might disapprove and would reject the non-genetic parent. And that fear is understandable, because we live in a very heteronormative and geneticized society -- a world that still believes that true families consist of one mom, one dad and their genetically related children.
Ipak, ti su roditelji htjeli opravdati svoje odluke kroz priče koje su ispričali. Nadali su se da će djeca razumjeti njihove razloge da naprave obitelj na ovaj način. U pozadini je strah da njihova djeca neće odobravati i da će odbaciti roditelja s kojim nisu u srodstvu. Taj strah je razumljiv, jer živimo u vrlo heteronormativnom i genetiziranom društvu -- u svijetu koji još vjeruje da pravu obitelj čini jedna majka, jedan otac i njihova genetski srodna djeca.
Well. I want to tell you about a teenage boy. He was donor-conceived but not part of our study. One day, he had an argument with his father, and he yelled, "You're telling me what to do? You're not even my father!" That was exactly what the parents in our study feared. Now, the boy soon felt sorry, and they made up. But it is the reaction of his father that is most interesting.
Dakle. Želim vam ispričati o jednom tinejdžeru. Začet je uz pomoć donatora, a nije dio našeg istraživanja. Jednog dana, posvađao se s ocem, i viknuo je, "Ti mi govoriš što da radim? Ti mi čak ni nisi otac!" To je bilo točno ono čega su se roditelji u našem istraživanju bojali. No, nedugo zatim dječaku je bilo žao, i pomirili su se. A reakcija njegovog oca je ono najzanimljivije.
He said, "This outburst had nothing to do with the lack of a genetic link. It was about puberty -- being difficult. It's what they do at that age. It will pass."
Rekao je, "Taj izljev nije imao nikakve veze s nedostatkom genetske povezanosti." To je bio pubertet -- koji je težak. To oni rade u toj dobi. Proći će."
What this man shows us is that when something goes wrong, we should not immediately think it is because the family is a little different. These things happen in all families. And every now and then, all parents may wonder: Am I a good enough parent? These parents, too. They, above all, wanted to do what's best for their child. But they also sometimes wondered: Am I a real parent? And their uncertainties were present long before they even were parents.
Taj nam čovjek pokazuje da kad nešto pođe po zlu, ne trebamo odmah pomisliti da je to jer je obitelj malo drugačija. Takve stvari se događaju u svim obiteljima. I svako malo, svi se roditelji pitaju: Jesam li dovoljno dobar roditelj? Ovi roditelji također. Oni, iznad svega, žele činiti što je najbolje za njihovo dijete. Ali i oni su se ponekad upitali: Jesam li ja pravi roditelj? A njihove nesigurnosti su postojale prije nego što su uopće postali roditelji.
At the start of treatment, when they first saw the counselor, they paid close attention to the counselor, because they wanted to do it right. Even 10 years later, they still remember the advice they were given.
Na početku tretmana, kad su prvi put vidjeli savjetnika, strogo su obraćali pozornost na savjetnika jer su to željeli učiniti na pravi način. Čak 10 godina poslije, i dalje se sjećaju savjeta koje su dobili.
So when they thought about the counselor and the advice they were given, we discussed that. And we saw one lesbian couple who said, "When our son asks us, 'Do I have a dad?' we will say 'No, you do not have a dad.' But we will say nothing more, not unless he asks, because he might not be ready for that. The counselor said so."
Kad pomisle na savjetnika i savjete koje su dobili, o tome smo raspravili. Vidjeli smo i jedan lezbijski par koji je rekao, "Kad nas naš sin pita "Imam li ja oca?", mi ćemo odgovoriti "Ne, ti nemaš oca." Ali nećemo reći ništa više, dok nas ne pita, jer možda neće biti spreman za to. Savjetnik je tako rekao.
Well. I don't know; that's quite different from how we respond to children's questions. Like, "Milk -- is that made in a factory?" We will say, "No, it comes from cows," and we will talk about the farmer, and the way the milk ends up in the shop. We will not say, "No, milk is not made in a factory." So something strange happened here, and of course these children noticed that.
Pa. Ne znam; to je dosta drugačije od načina na koji odgovaramo na dječja pitanja. Na primjer, "Mlijeko -- pravi li se u tvornici?" Reći ćemo, "Ne, dolazi od krava," i pričat ćemo o farmeru, i kako mlijeko završi u trgovini. Nećemo reći, "Ne, mlijeko se ne pravi u tvornici." Nešto se čudno dogodilo ovdje, i naravno da su ova djeca to primijetila.
One boy said, "I asked my parents loads of questions, but they acted really weird. So, you know, I have a friend at school, and she's made in the same way. When I have a question, I just go and ask her." Clever guy. Problem solved. But his parents did not notice, and it certainly was not what they had in mind, nor what the counselor had in mind when they were saying how important it is to be an open-communication family.
Jedan je dječak rekao, "Postavio sam roditeljima puno pitanja, ali oni su se ponašali čudno. Pa, znate, imam prijateljicu u školi, napravljena je na isti način. Kad imam pitanje, ja pitam nju." Pametan dečko. Problem riješen. Ali njegovi roditelji nisu primijetili, a sigurno nisu tako zamislili, niti je to savjetnik zamislio kad su govorili kako je važno biti obitelj s otvorenom komunikacijom.
And that's the strange thing about advice. When we offer people pills, we gather evidence first. We do tests, we do follow-up studies. We want to know, and rightly so, what this pill is doing and how it affects people's lives. And advice? It is not enough for advice, or for professionals to give advice that is theoretically sound, or well-meant. It should be advice that there is evidence for -- evidence that it actually improves patients' lives.
To je čudna stvar u vezi savjeta. Kad ljudima dajemo tablete prvo skupimo dokaze. Provedemo testiranja, naknadna istraživanja. Želimo znati, i s pravom, što ta tableta čini i kako utječe na živote ljudi. A savjet? Za savjet nije dovoljno, ili za stručnjake da daju savjet koji je teoretski čvrst, ili u dobroj namjeri. Trebali bi se davati savjeti za koje postoje dokazi -- dokazi da zaista poboljšavaju živote pacijenata.
So the philosopher in me would now like to offer you a paradox: I advise you to stop following advice. But, yes.
Filozofkinja u meni bi vam željela ponuditi paradoks: Savjetujem vam da prestanete slijediti savjete. Ali, da.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
I will not end here with what went wrong; I would not be doing justice to the warmth we found in those families. Remember the books and the trip to the farmer? When parents do things that work for them, they do brilliant things. What I want you to remember as members of families, in no matter what form or shape, is that what families need are warm relationships. And we do not need to be professionals to create those. Most of us do just fine, although it may be hard work, and from time to time, we can do with some advice.
Neću završiti s onim što je pošlo po zlu: Ne bi bilo pravedno prema toplini koju smo pronašli u tim obiteljima. Sjećate se knjiga i puta na farmu? Kad roditelji čine stvari koje kod njih funkcioniraju čine sjajne stvari. Želim da zapamtite, kao članovi obitelji, u bilo kojem obliku, da obitelji trebaju tople veze. A mi ne trebamo biti stručnjaci da ih stvorimo. Većini među nama ide dobro, iako to može biti naporno, i s vremena na vrijeme, dobro bi nam došao savjet.
In that case, bear in mind three things. Work with advice that works for your family. Remember -- you're the expert, because you live your family life. And finally, believe in your abilities and your creativity, because you can do it yourself.
U tom slučaju, imajte na umu tri stvari. Radite sa savjetom koji funkcionira za vašu obitelj. Zapamtite -- vi ste stručnjak, jer vi živite svoj obiteljski život. I na kraju, vjerujte u svoje sposobnosti i svoju kreativnost, jer možete uspjeti sami.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)