I grew up in New York City, between Harlem and the Bronx. Growing up as a boy, we were taught that men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating -- no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger -- and definitely no fear; that men are in charge, which means women are not; that men lead, and you should just follow and do what we say; that men are superior; women are inferior; that men are strong; women are weak; that women are of less value, property of men, and objects, particularly sexual objects. I've later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as the "man box." See this man box has in it all the ingredients of how we define what it means to be a man. Now I also want to say, without a doubt, there are some wonderful, wonderful, absolutely wonderful things about being a man. But at the same time, there's some stuff that's just straight up twisted, and we really need to begin to challenge, look at it and really get in the process of deconstructing, redefining, what we come to know as manhood.
我在紐約市長大 哈林區跟布朗克斯區中間 在兒童時期我們就被教導 男人一定要堅強, 一定要強壯 一定要很有勇氣,是統治的 沒有痛覺, 沒有情感 憤怒除外-- 恐懼那是絕對不能有的-- 男人就該主導一切 就是說女人不是這樣的 男人領導 而你們就應該追隨並且臣服 男人是上等的, 而女人是次等的 男人是強壯的, 而女人是軟弱的 女人沒什麼價值-- 是男人的財產-- 及附屬物品 尤其是性玩物 我後來慢慢瞭解那就是 男人的集體社會化進程 又被稱為 "男人的箱子" 這個男人的箱子擁有 所有的要素- 我們如何定義對於男人是什麼 現在我同樣要說,毫無疑問地說 這裏有很多很好很好, 實在很好的事情, 去做一個男人 但是同時 也有一些是 就是真的很古怪 我們必須開始 去挑戰它, 審視它 並且真正地去 摧毀並重塑 我們稱為男子氣概的這個東西
This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay. They're 11 and 12. Kendall's 15 months older than Jay. There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I, we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom: Kendall and Jay. (Laughter) And when they were about five and six, four and five, Jay could come to me, come to me crying. It didn't matter what she was crying about, she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up, just cry, cry it out. Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.
這是我的兩個小孩, Kendall跟Jay 他們一個11歲一個12歲 Kendall比Jay大了15個月 過去我和我的太太Tammie有一段時間 我們就在房間裡忙活, 然後咻咻 Kendall跟Jay就出生了 (笑聲) 到了他們大約五歲跟六歲的時候 或四歲五歲 Jay可以來找我 哭著來找我 不管她為什麼哭 她都可以坐在我的膝蓋上, 把鼻涕弄得我袖子上到處都是 就是哭, 哭完就好了 爸爸在這裡. 這才是全部, 這才是最重要的.
Now Kendall on the other hand -- and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her -- he'd come to me crying, it's like as soon as I would hear him cry, a clock would go off. I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds, which means, by the time he got to me, I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying? Hold your head up. Look at me. Explain to me what's wrong. Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you. Why are you crying?" And out of my own frustration of my role and responsibility of building him up as a man to fit into these guidelines and these structures that are defining this man box, I would find myself saying things like, "Just go in your room. Just go on, go on in your room. Sit down, get yourself together and come back and talk to me when you can talk to me like a --" what? (Audience: Man.) Like a man. And he's five years old. And as I grow in life, I would say to myself, "My God, what's wrong with me? What am I doing? Why would I do this?" And I think back. I think back to my father.
那Kendall就不一樣了 就像我說的, 他只比她大了15個月 在他哭著來找我的時候 似乎是我一聽到他哭 一塊碼表就開始計時 我大概會給他30秒左右 就是說,當他走近我的時候 我已經會告訴他:"你在哭什麼?" 把頭抬高!看著我! 解釋給我聽出了什麼問題 告訴我發生什麼事了? 我聽不懂你在說什麼 你在哭什麼? 然後出於對我自己的挫敗感 我的角色和我的責任 來把他打造成一個男人 來迎合這些準則 和這些構造——那些男人的盒子界定的東西 我會發現我會說這樣的事情 "只管進你的房間 去你的房間 坐下 使你自己平靜下來 然後回來對我說 但你可以對我說話的時候像個—" 什麼 (觀眾:男人) "像一個男人" 他那時是五歲 當我在生活生長大的時候 我會對自己說 "天呐,我出了什麼問題?" 我在做什麼?我為什麼要這麼做?" 當我回想起 當我回想起我的父親
There was a time in my life where we had a very troubled experience in our family. My brother, Henry, he died tragically when we were teenagers. We lived in New York City, as I said. We lived in the Bronx at the time, and the burial was in a place called Long Island, it was about two hours outside of the city. And as we were preparing to come back from the burial, the cars stopped at the bathroom to let folks take care of themselves before the long ride back to the city. And the limousine empties out. My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out, but my father and I stayed in the limousine, and no sooner than the women got out, he burst out crying. He didn't want cry in front of me, but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city, and it was better me than to allow himself to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women. And this is a man who, 10 minutes ago, had just put his teenage son in the ground -- something I just can't even imagine. The thing that sticks with me the most is that he was apologizing to me for crying in front of me, and at the same time, he was also giving me props, lifting me up, for not crying.
我的一生中有這麼一段時間 我們的家庭有段非常混亂的經歷 我的兄弟Henry,死得非常悲慘 當我們都是少年的時候 我們住在紐約市,我剛剛說過 我們當時住在布朗克斯區 葬禮在一個名叫Long Island的地方舉行 那個地方在城市外,大概需要兩個小時的車程 當我們準備 從葬禮回來的時候 車停在了一個盥洗室(廁所) 讓親屬們解決自己的問題 在到城市的很長的一段路程之前 轎車中沒有人了 我的媽媽,姐姐,還有伯母,都出去了 但是我的爸爸和我還在轎車中 在這些女人們出去沒多久 他開始哭了 他不想在我的面前哭 但是他知道他在回到城市不能堅持住 在我面前表達這些感覺和情感比在 那些女人面前要好 這是一個男人 十分鐘前 剛剛把他的還未成年的兒子放入了 土地裏 有一些事情我是無法想像的 深深插入我的內心的那些事情 是他向我道歉 為在我面前哭泣 與此同時,他也安慰我 讓我振作起來 不哭泣
I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12-year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, "How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?" Now I expected him to say something like, I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me -- the boy said to me, "It would destroy me." And I said to myself, "God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?"
我也將這個看作 作為一個男人而擁有的恐懼 讓我們麻木的這種恐懼情緒, 是我們成為 束縛男人的人質 我記起一次談話 和一個12歲的男孩,一個足球運動員 我問他,我說, “你會怎麼也想,如果 在所有的運動員面前 你的教練說你踢球踢得像一個女孩?” 我期待他說出這樣的話 我會感覺傷心,感覺瘋狂,感覺生氣,或類似的事情 不過,這個男孩這樣對我說-- 這個男孩這樣對我說 "這會毀了我." 之後我對自己說 "天呐,如果這樣會毀了他 — — 被叫做一個女孩, 我們之後要怎麼樣教育他 關於女孩?“
(Applause)
(掌聲)
It took me back to a time when I was about 12 years old. I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city. At this time we're living in the Bronx, and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny. He was about 16 years old, and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys. And he was hanging out with all us younger guys. And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good. He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder, "What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?" And he did spend a lot of time up to no good. He was a troubled kid. His mother had died from a heroin overdose. He was being raised by his grandmother. His father wasn't on the set. His grandmother had two jobs. He was home alone a lot. But I've got to tell you, we young guys, we looked up to this dude, man. He was cool. He was fine. That's what the sisters said, "He was fine." He was having sex. We all looked up to him.
這使我會想到一段時期 在我大概12歲的時候 我在城內的貧民區長大 這段時期我們生活在布朗克斯區 在我住的地方鍍金有一個叫做Johnny的人 他大概16歲 我們都是些12歲或更年輕的孩子 他和我們年輕的男孩在一起 他品行不正 他是那種父母們一定會擔心的孩子 "16歲的男孩和12歲的男孩會做些什麼?" 他做了很多壞事 它是一個很麻煩的男孩 他的媽媽死于過量吸食海洛因(一種毒品) 他由他的祖母帶著長大 他父親管不了他 他的祖母有兩個工作 他經常獨自在家 但是我一定要告訴你,我們這些小男孩 我們看高這個傢伙. 他很酷.他很好. 他是那些女孩們說的,"他不錯" 他咻咻. 我們都看高他.
So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something -- just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what. He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony." They called me Anthony growing up as a kid. "Hey Anthony, come on upstairs." Johnny call, you go. So I run right upstairs. As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?" Now I immediately knew what he meant. Because for me growing up at that time, and our relationship with this man box, "Do you want some?" meant one of two things: sex or drugs -- and we weren't doing drugs. Now my box, my card, my man box card, was immediately in jeopardy. Two things: One, I never had sex. We don't talk about that as men. You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life, the first time you had sex. For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two. There ain't no first time. (Laughter) The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any. That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl. Women are objects, especially sexual objects.
有一天,我在我們的房子外面做些事情 — 只是在那裏玩,做些事情—我不知道那是什麼 他從他的窗戶探出頭來,他叫我上樓,他說,”嘿,Anthony" 我是被他們叫著Anthony長大的 "嘿,Anthony,上樓來." Johnny 叫,你就要去. 所以我很快的上樓去. 當他開門的時候,他對我說,“你想要一些嗎?” 當時我很快明白了他想說什麼. 我成長的那個時候 我們對這個男人的盒子有認識的人 "你想要一些嗎"意味著兩件事中的其中一件 性 或者毒品 -- 我們不吸毒. 現在我的盒子,其中的內容物 我的盒子的內容物 立刻感到威脅. 兩件事:一,我從未咻咻 我們作為男人不談論這些. 你會和你最親愛的,最要好的朋友發誓保守這秘密 才談起你的第一次性體驗. 對於其他人,我們走起來好像我們2歲的時候就已經做愛的 這裏沒有第一次. (笑聲) 另一件事是我不能告訴他我一點也不想. 那樣更糟. 我們應該總是在徘徊. 女人們只是玩物, 尤其是性玩物.
Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that. So, like my mother would say, make a long story short, I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes." He told me to go in his room. I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila. She's 16 years old. She's nude. She's what I know today to be mentally ill, higher-functioning at times than others. We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her. Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her. Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her. Because, while Sheila never said no, she also never said yes.
不管怎樣,我不能告訴他這些. 所以,正如我的媽媽會說,簡而言之 我只是對Johnny說,“是的." 他告訴我進去他的房間 我走進他的房間.在他的床上有一個鄰家女孩名叫Sheila. 她是16歲. 她是赤裸的. 她是我現在才知道的所謂精神疾病患者, 和其他人相比她有時不正常. 我們也有許多數不清的外號取笑她. 不管怎樣,Johnny 剛剛和她做愛. 或者說,他強姦了她,但是他會說他和他做愛. 因為,Sheila從來不說不可以, 她也從來不說可以.
So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same. So when I go in the room, I close the door. Folks, I'm petrified. I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room and see that I'm not doing anything, and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something. So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do; I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room. So in my 12 years of wisdom, I zip my pants down, I walk out into the room, and lo and behold to me, while I was in the room with Sheila, Johnny was back at the window calling guys up. So now there's a living room full of guys. It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office. And they asked me how was it, and I say to them, "It was good," and I zip my pants up in front of them, and I head for the door.
所以他給我做相同事情的機會. 當我走進那個房間,我關上門. 人們啊,我呆住了. 我靠著門,這樣Johnny 就不能突然沖進房間 並且看到我什麼都沒幹. 我站在那裏很久以示我可以做一些事情. 所以現在我不知道我將要做什麼, 我正在努力去想辦法如何離開這個房間. 我用我12年的智慧, 我把我的褲子拉開脫下來, 我從房間裏走出來. 他們注視我, 當我進房間和Sheila一起的時候, Johnny 回到窗戶那裏叫男孩們上來. 現在起居室充滿了男孩. 就好像醫生辦公室的等待間一樣. 他們問我怎麼樣. 我告訴他們,"不錯." 我在他們面前拉起了褲子, 我衝向門口.
Now I say this all with remorse, and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time, but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited, because I didn't get caught. But I knew I felt bad about what was happening. This fear, getting outside the man box, totally enveloped me. It was way more important to me, about me and my man box card than about Sheila and what was happening to her.
現在我悔恨地說著這些, 那時我也感受到一股巨大的遺憾, 但是我很矛盾,因為,當我感到悔恨的時候,我很興奮, 因為我沒有被發現(作假), 但是我知道我對發生的事情感覺很不好. 從男人的盒子中出來的恐懼 完全把我包住了. 這對我來說更重要, 男人的盒子中的內容 比Sheila 以及在她身上將要發生的事情.
See collectively, we as men are taught to have less value in women, to view them as property and the objects of men. We see that as an equation that equals violence against women. We as men, good men, the large majority of men, we operate on the foundation of this whole collective socialization. We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it. You see, we have to come to understand that less value, property and objectification is the foundation and the violence can't happen without it. So we're very much a part of the solution as well as the problem. The center for disease control says that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions, is the number one health concern for women in this country and abroad.
總括說,我們作為男人 被教育認為女人的價值較少, 看待她們是男人的財富和玩物. 我們把這看成一個方程,等於對女人的暴力 我們作為男人,好的男人, 大部分的男人, 我們在建構 整個集體社會. 我們自認為我們是批次分開的,但我們在其中也是一體. 我們要理解 價值小,象徵財富和性玩物的女人也是社會的一體 而且,停止暴力也離不開這種認同感. 所以我們是這解決方案的一部分 像這個問題一樣 疾病預防控制中心說, 從流行病的程度看,男人對女人的暴力, 對女人的健康來說是首要重要的事情 不管在國內還是國外.
So quickly, I'd like to just say, this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay. The world I envision for her -- how do I want men to be acting and behaving? I need you on board. I need you with me. I need you working with me and me working with you on how we raise our sons and teach them to be men -- that it's okay to not be dominating, that it's okay to have feelings and emotions, that it's okay to promote equality, that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it, that it's okay to be whole, that my liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)
簡而言之,我想說 這是我生命中的至愛,我的女兒Jay 我為她設想的世界 我希望男人應該如何表現? 我需要你們同在. 我需要你們和我一起. 我希望你們和我一起工作以及我和你們一起工作 在如何培養我們 的兒子上 以及教育他們成長為男人 -- 不控制一切是可以的, 擁有感覺和情緒是可以的, 促進男女平等是可以的, 和女人只是成為朋友是可以的, 男人和女人是一體的, 我作為一個男人的自由 也給予你們作為女人的自由.
I remember asking a nine-year-old boy, I asked a nine-year-old boy, "What would life be like for you, if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?" He said to me, "I would be free."
我記得問一個九歲的男孩, 我問一個九歲的男孩 生活對你來說會成為什麼樣? 如果你不用一定擁有這個男人的盒子? 他告訴我說,“我將會自由.”
Thank you folks.
謝謝你們.
(Applause)
(掌聲)