I grew up in New York City, between Harlem and the Bronx. Growing up as a boy, we were taught that men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating -- no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger -- and definitely no fear; that men are in charge, which means women are not; that men lead, and you should just follow and do what we say; that men are superior; women are inferior; that men are strong; women are weak; that women are of less value, property of men, and objects, particularly sexual objects. I've later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as the "man box." See this man box has in it all the ingredients of how we define what it means to be a man. Now I also want to say, without a doubt, there are some wonderful, wonderful, absolutely wonderful things about being a man. But at the same time, there's some stuff that's just straight up twisted, and we really need to begin to challenge, look at it and really get in the process of deconstructing, redefining, what we come to know as manhood.
我在纽约市长大, 介于哈莱姆区和布朗克斯区之间。 从小男孩起,我们学到 男人应该意志坚强,身体强壮, 有勇气,有支配权-- 没有痛苦,没有感情, 除了愤怒之外-- 男人什么都不怕-- 男人全权负责,主管一切, 而女人不是; 男人是领导, 女人应该只是跟随和做男性吩咐的事; 男人带有优越性,女人是低人一等; 男人是强大的,女人弱小; 女人价值比较小-- 仅是男人的财富 和物品, 特别是性猎物。 我后来了解到 这如上都是男人的集体社会化属性, 更好地称为 “男人束缚体”。 看看这“男人束缚体” 所有的成分 这就是我们怎样定义一个男人的。 此时我想说,毫无疑问, 男人身上也有很多美好的,不可思议的, 绝对棒的 品质。 但同时, 有些东西 完全是扭曲了 我们真的需要开始 挑战,看看这些男性的特征 我们要进行 解构,重新定义, 我们重新认识什么才是男人气概。
This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay. They're 11 and 12. Kendall's 15 months older than Jay. There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I, we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom: Kendall and Jay. (Laughter) And when they were about five and six, four and five, Jay could come to me, come to me crying. It didn't matter what she was crying about, she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up, just cry, cry it out. Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.
这是我家的两个孩子,肯德尔和杰伊。 他们现在是11岁和12岁。 肯德尔比杰伊大15个月。 有那么一段时期,我妻子塔蜜和我, 我们实在是忙得不可开交,用来照顾 肯德尔和杰伊。 (笑声) 当他们大约五岁和六岁, 或者四岁和五岁时, 杰伊可以来向我 哭哭啼啼。 当她哭泣,这没什么问题, 她可以坐在我膝上,她的鼻涕流到我的袖子上, 尽管哭,哭出来。 有爸爸在你身边爱护你是很重要的。
Now Kendall on the other hand -- and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her -- he'd come to me crying, it's like as soon as I would hear him cry, a clock would go off. I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds, which means, by the time he got to me, I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying? Hold your head up. Look at me. Explain to me what's wrong. Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you. Why are you crying?" And out of my own frustration of my role and responsibility of building him up as a man to fit into these guidelines and these structures that are defining this man box, I would find myself saying things like, "Just go in your room. Just go on, go on in your room. Sit down, get yourself together and come back and talk to me when you can talk to me like a --" what? (Audience: Man.) Like a man. And he's five years old. And as I grow in life, I would say to myself, "My God, what's wrong with me? What am I doing? Why would I do this?" And I think back. I think back to my father.
但换成是肯德尔-- 我说过,他比杰伊仅大15个月-- 他向我哭泣, 只要我听到他哭, 我的心理闹钟就上了发条 我会给肯德尔约30秒时间, 意味着,此时他得面对我, 我会说这样的话,“你为什么哭? 抬起你的头,看着我。 说说你做错什么了。 告诉我你做错什么了。我实在不懂你。 你哭什么?” 我对没有 尽到自己的责任担当起 把他培养成男人的角色而感动沮丧 我还要适应这些原则 和这些男人束缚体的条条框框, 我觉得我会说出以下的话, “回到你房间去。 快回到你房间, 坐下来, 控制住你自己 然后回来和我谈话, 你要像个什么一样的人?” (观众:男人。) “像个男人一样才能和我谈”。 肯德尔才5岁。 正如我在生活中的成长, 我会对自己说, “我的上帝,我怎么了? 我到底做了什么?我怎么这样做?” 我回头想想。 我想到我的父亲。
There was a time in my life where we had a very troubled experience in our family. My brother, Henry, he died tragically when we were teenagers. We lived in New York City, as I said. We lived in the Bronx at the time, and the burial was in a place called Long Island, it was about two hours outside of the city. And as we were preparing to come back from the burial, the cars stopped at the bathroom to let folks take care of themselves before the long ride back to the city. And the limousine empties out. My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out, but my father and I stayed in the limousine, and no sooner than the women got out, he burst out crying. He didn't want cry in front of me, but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city, and it was better me than to allow himself to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women. And this is a man who, 10 minutes ago, had just put his teenage son in the ground -- something I just can't even imagine. The thing that sticks with me the most is that he was apologizing to me for crying in front of me, and at the same time, he was also giving me props, lifting me up, for not crying.
我一生曾有 一段我们家族最难回首的往事。 我兄弟,亨利,他不幸去世, 当我们年少时。 我们生活在纽约市,我说过。 那时我们住在布朗克斯区。 葬礼在长岛举行, 它在纽约市外有两个小时路程。 我们正要 从这葬礼返还回去, 汽车在洗手间停下来, 让人们去解手, 然后开始一段长途行程回去。 大轿车上空无一人。 我母亲,我姐妹,我姑姑,他们都下了车, 只有我父亲和我留在大轿车上。 女人们刚下车, 我父亲就突然大哭。 他不想在我面前哭。 但他实在是忍不住了, 最好还是在我面前 而不是在女性面前去表达这些感情。 我父亲,做为男人, 10分钟前, 刚刚下葬了他的孩子 入土-- 我真不敢想象当时发生的事。 最让我触动的事 是他向我道歉 在我面前的哭泣。 同时,他也安慰我, 让我振作起来, 不要哭。
I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12-year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, "How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?" Now I expected him to say something like, I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me -- the boy said to me, "It would destroy me." And I said to myself, "God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?"
我回头看时才意识到 我们做为男人的这种畏惧, 让我们麻木的这种恐惧情绪, 使得我们成为 这个男人束缚体的人质。 我记得 与一个玩橄榄球的12岁男孩的交谈, 我问到: “你感觉怎样,假如 在所有队员前, 你教练说你玩起球来像个女孩?” 当时我期望他会说出类似的话, 我会悲伤,我要疯了,我很生气,等等。 不,男孩对我 说到: “这会毁了我。” 我又对自己说: “上帝啊,如果这句话会毁了一个男孩 当他被嘲笑为像个女孩时, 那么关于女孩的事,我们会教给 他点什么呢?”
(Applause)
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It took me back to a time when I was about 12 years old. I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city. At this time we're living in the Bronx, and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny. He was about 16 years old, and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys. And he was hanging out with all us younger guys. And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good. He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder, "What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?" And he did spend a lot of time up to no good. He was a troubled kid. His mother had died from a heroin overdose. He was being raised by his grandmother. His father wasn't on the set. His grandmother had two jobs. He was home alone a lot. But I've got to tell you, we young guys, we looked up to this dude, man. He was cool. He was fine. That's what the sisters said, "He was fine." He was having sex. We all looked up to him.
回首往事, 当我约12岁时, 我在城内的贫民区长大。 那时我们住在布朗克斯区。 在我住的那个街区,有个叫约翰的年轻人。 他约16岁, 我们都是约12岁的男孩。 他和我们男孩混在一起。 这个人品行不端。 他是个让父母都诧异的那种孩子, “为什么16岁青年也和一群12岁孩子鬼混在一起?” 他做了很多坏事。 他也是个制造麻烦的青年。 他母亲死于吸毒过量。 然后他被奶奶养大。 他父亲管不住他。 他奶奶有两个工作。 他经常独自一人在家。 但我要告诉你,在我们年轻人眼里, 我们看得起这个家伙。 他很酷也很牛。 姑娘们都说:“他很牛。” 他有过性行为。 我们都看得起他。
So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something -- just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what. He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony." They called me Anthony growing up as a kid. "Hey Anthony, come on upstairs." Johnny call, you go. So I run right upstairs. As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?" Now I immediately knew what he meant. Because for me growing up at that time, and our relationship with this man box, "Do you want some?" meant one of two things: sex or drugs -- and we weren't doing drugs. Now my box, my card, my man box card, was immediately in jeopardy. Two things: One, I never had sex. We don't talk about that as men. You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life, the first time you had sex. For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two. There ain't no first time. (Laughter) The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any. That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl. Women are objects, especially sexual objects.
有一天,我在屋前做一些事情-- 只是玩耍,做些游戏 - 我记不清了。 他从窗口看到我,他叫我上楼,“嗨,安东尼”。 我孩童时,他们都叫我安东尼。 “嗨,安东尼,上楼来”。 约翰吩咐的,我就去了。 我就直接跑到楼上。 当门打开,他对我说:“你想要点什么吗?” 我当时立马知道他的意图。 因为在那时我的出身背景, 和我们自身的男人束缚体的关系, “你想要点什么吗”就是指两种事, 性或者毒品-- 我们不吸毒。 当时我自身的, 这种男人束缚体的表现 立即使我处于危险的境地中。 两件事:一,我从来没有做过爱。 做个男性,我们从来不会谈这些事。 你只会和你最亲爱的,最要好的朋友发誓要保守这秘密, 才谈起你的第一次性体验。 二,对于其他人来说,只要是两个人在一起,这就好比他们到哪儿都在做爱。 这也不是什么新鲜事。 (笑声) 我没有告诉他的事是我啥都不想要。 那会更糟糕。我们总是处于徘徊中。 女人是对象, 特别是性猎物。
Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that. So, like my mother would say, make a long story short, I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes." He told me to go in his room. I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila. She's 16 years old. She's nude. She's what I know today to be mentally ill, higher-functioning at times than others. We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her. Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her. Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her. Because, while Sheila never said no, she also never said yes.
至少,我没有告诉他实情。 所以,就像我妈常说,长话短说。 我就告诉约翰“好的”。 他就叫我去他屋。 我进了他屋。在床上,有个邻居女孩,谢拉。 她16岁, 全裸。 我如今才知道她有精神病, 比起其它人,她有时不正常。 我们有数也数不清的外号用来嘲笑她。 尽管如此,约翰已经和她做过爱。 确切地说,他强奸了她,但他会说他与她在做爱。 因为,谢拉从不会说不, 也不会说是。
So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same. So when I go in the room, I close the door. Folks, I'm petrified. I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room and see that I'm not doing anything, and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something. So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do; I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room. So in my 12 years of wisdom, I zip my pants down, I walk out into the room, and lo and behold to me, while I was in the room with Sheila, Johnny was back at the window calling guys up. So now there's a living room full of guys. It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office. And they asked me how was it, and I say to them, "It was good," and I zip my pants up in front of them, and I head for the door.
所以他让我也好有机会做同样的事。 当我走进屋,我关上门。 观众们,当时我惊呆了。 我后背靠着门站着以防约翰闯进屋, 看见我到底在做什么。 我站了很久,我本可以和谢拉做爱。 但当时我的确搞不清楚我要做什么, 我试图想从这间屋出去。 12岁的我很机灵, 我把裤裆拉下来, 然后我走出屋。 瞧瞧我, 我刚和谢拉在一起, 约翰在窗口招呼年轻人都上来。 在客厅围满了人, 就好像是在医生诊所的候诊室里一样。 他们问我感受如何? 我说:“棒极了”。 然后我在他们面前把裤拉链拉上, 朝门口走去。
Now I say this all with remorse, and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time, but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited, because I didn't get caught. But I knew I felt bad about what was happening. This fear, getting outside the man box, totally enveloped me. It was way more important to me, about me and my man box card than about Sheila and what was happening to her.
现在我想说这件事让我追悔莫及, 当时我后悔地要死, 但是我又矛盾,因为尽管我后悔,但我还是很兴奋, 因为我没被露馅, 但我知道发生这种事太糟糕了。 这种想要从男人束缚体中解脱出来的恐惧感 始终困扰着我。 我对我自身 这种男人束缚体的认识 比起发生在谢拉身上 的经历,对我来说它是更重要的。
See collectively, we as men are taught to have less value in women, to view them as property and the objects of men. We see that as an equation that equals violence against women. We as men, good men, the large majority of men, we operate on the foundation of this whole collective socialization. We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it. You see, we have to come to understand that less value, property and objectification is the foundation and the violence can't happen without it. So we're very much a part of the solution as well as the problem. The center for disease control says that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions, is the number one health concern for women in this country and abroad.
具体看来,我们做为男人 被灌输女人价值较小, 视她们为男人的财富和性猎物的象征。 我们把它看作一个等式,并且对女人实施暴力,动粗。 我们做为男人,好男人, 男人中的多数, 我们在架构 整个集体社会的建立。 我们自视我们彼此是分开的,但我们也是那其中的一体。 我们要理解 价值较小,象征财富和性猎物的女人也是社会中的一体, 并且停止暴力也离不开这种认同感。 所以我们是这解决方案的一部分 就像这问题一样。 疾病预防控制中心说, 从流行病的程度看,男人对女人的暴力 是一件关注女人健康的头等事 无论在国内或是国外。
So quickly, I'd like to just say, this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay. The world I envision for her -- how do I want men to be acting and behaving? I need you on board. I need you with me. I need you working with me and me working with you on how we raise our sons and teach them to be men -- that it's okay to not be dominating, that it's okay to have feelings and emotions, that it's okay to promote equality, that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it, that it's okay to be whole, that my liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)
简言之,我想说, 我女儿杰伊是我生命中的全部爱。 我为她而设想的世界, 我想要男人怎样去做和做个好男人呢? 我需要男人们和我在一起,协同一致。 我需要男人们和我一同努力 抚养我们的儿子 教育他们成为一个男人-- 男人不必像大男子一样主宰一切, 男人要有感情和感性化, 男人要促进男女平等, 男人视女人为朋友,就这么简单,而不是性猎物, 男人和女人同为一体, 我做为男人的自由 也赋予了你们做为女人的自由。
I remember asking a nine-year-old boy, I asked a nine-year-old boy, "What would life be like for you, if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?" He said to me, "I would be free."
我记得问过一个九岁男孩。 我问他, “假如你从这个男性束缚中解脱出来, 生命对你意味着什么?” 他说:“我将会自由”。
Thank you folks.
谢谢大家。
(Applause)
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