I grew up in New York City, between Harlem and the Bronx. Growing up as a boy, we were taught that men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating -- no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger -- and definitely no fear; that men are in charge, which means women are not; that men lead, and you should just follow and do what we say; that men are superior; women are inferior; that men are strong; women are weak; that women are of less value, property of men, and objects, particularly sexual objects. I've later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as the "man box." See this man box has in it all the ingredients of how we define what it means to be a man. Now I also want to say, without a doubt, there are some wonderful, wonderful, absolutely wonderful things about being a man. But at the same time, there's some stuff that's just straight up twisted, and we really need to begin to challenge, look at it and really get in the process of deconstructing, redefining, what we come to know as manhood.
Odrastao sam u New Yorku, imeđu Harlema i Bronxa. Dok sam rastao, učili su nas da muškarci moraju biti tvrdi, moraju biti jaki, moraju biti hrabri, dominantni -- bez bola, bez emocija, s izuzetkom srdžbe -- i definitivno bez straha -- da su muškarci glavni, što znači da žene nisu; da muškarci vode, a vi biste trebale samo slijediti i raditi kako mi kažemo; da su muškarci superiorni, žene su inferiorne; da su muškarci snažni, žene su slabe; da žene vrijede manje -- vlasništvo su muškaraca -- one su i objekti, naročito seksualni objekti. Kasnije sam doznao da je to kolektivna muška socijalizacija, poznatija kao „muška kutija“. Vidite, muška kutija u sebi sadrži sve sastojke onoga čime definiramo što to znači biti muškarac. Također želim reći, bez dvojbe, da postoje i divne, divne, apsolutno divne stvari kad ste muškarac. Ali istovremeno, postoje i one koje su naprosto uvrnute. I zaista ih moramo početi izazivati, promatrati i stvarno se upustiti u proces dekonstrukcije, redefiniranja, onoga što danas znamo kao muškost.
This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay. They're 11 and 12. Kendall's 15 months older than Jay. There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I, we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom: Kendall and Jay. (Laughter) And when they were about five and six, four and five, Jay could come to me, come to me crying. It didn't matter what she was crying about, she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up, just cry, cry it out. Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.
Ovo su moje dvoje djece, Kendall i Jay. Imaju 11 i 12 godina. Kendall je 15 mjeseci stariji od Jaya. Postojalo je vrijeme kad smo supruga, zove se Tammie, i ja, bili jako zaposleni i fiju, bam, bum: Kendall i Jay. (Smijeh) Kad su bili oko pet i šest godina, četiri i pet, Jay bi mi došla, prišla mi plačući. Nije bilo bitno zbog čega je plakala, mogla mi je sjesti na koljena, zabalaviti mi rukav, i naprosto se isplakati. Tata pazi na tebe. To je sve što je važno.
Now Kendall on the other hand -- and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her -- he'd come to me crying, it's like as soon as I would hear him cry, a clock would go off. I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds, which means, by the time he got to me, I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying? Hold your head up. Look at me. Explain to me what's wrong. Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you. Why are you crying?" And out of my own frustration of my role and responsibility of building him up as a man to fit into these guidelines and these structures that are defining this man box, I would find myself saying things like, "Just go in your room. Just go on, go on in your room. Sit down, get yourself together and come back and talk to me when you can talk to me like a --" what? (Audience: Man.) Like a man. And he's five years old. And as I grow in life, I would say to myself, "My God, what's wrong with me? What am I doing? Why would I do this?" And I think back. I think back to my father.
S druge strane, Kendall -- i kao što sam rekao, samo je 15 mjeseci stariji od nje -- bi mi došao u suzama, i istoga trena kad bih ga čuo da plače, uključio bi se alarm. Dao bih dječaku vjerojatno oko 30 sekundi, što znači da sam, dok bi mi prišao, već govorio stvari poput, „Zašto plačeš? Podigni glavu. Pogledaj me. Objasni mi što nije u redu. Reci mi što nije u redu. Ne razumijem te. Zašto plačeš?" I zbog moje vlastite frustracije moje uloge i odgovornosti da ga izgradim kao muškarca da ga uklopim u pravila i one strukture koje definiraju mušku kutiju, zatekao bih se kako govorim stvari poput, "Samo idi u svoju sobu. Samo idi, idi u svoju sobu. Sjedi, priberi se i tad se vrati da pričamo kad budeš mogao sa mnom pričati kao --" Što? (Publika: Muškarac.) "Kao muškarac." A on ima pet godina. I, kako se razvijam u životu, govorim si, "Zaboga, što je to sa mnom? Što to radim? Zašto bih to učinio?" I sjećam se. Sjećam se svog oca.
There was a time in my life where we had a very troubled experience in our family. My brother, Henry, he died tragically when we were teenagers. We lived in New York City, as I said. We lived in the Bronx at the time, and the burial was in a place called Long Island, it was about two hours outside of the city. And as we were preparing to come back from the burial, the cars stopped at the bathroom to let folks take care of themselves before the long ride back to the city. And the limousine empties out. My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out, but my father and I stayed in the limousine, and no sooner than the women got out, he burst out crying. He didn't want cry in front of me, but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city, and it was better me than to allow himself to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women. And this is a man who, 10 minutes ago, had just put his teenage son in the ground -- something I just can't even imagine. The thing that sticks with me the most is that he was apologizing to me for crying in front of me, and at the same time, he was also giving me props, lifting me up, for not crying.
Postojalo je vrijeme u mom životu kad smo u obitelji prolazili teško iskustvo. Moj brat Henry je tragično poginuo kad smo bili adolescenti. Živjeli smo u New Yorku, kao što sam rekao. Živjeli smo u to vrijeme u Bronxu. Pogreb se održao na mjestu zvanom Long Island, na neka dva sata od grada. I dok smo se spremali na povratak s pogreba, automobili su se zaustavili kod toaleta da ljubi obave što trebaju prije duge vožnje do grada. Limuzina se ispraznila. Moja mati, sestra, tetka, sve su izišle, ali smo otac i ja ostali u limuzini. I tek što su žene izišle, on se rasplakao. Nije želio plakati preda mnom. Ali je znao da neće izdržati do grada, pa je bilo bolje preda mnom nego da si dopusti pokazati osjećaje i emocije pred ženama. A to je čovjek koji je samo 10 minuta ranije svog mladog sina položio u zemlju -- nešto što si ja uopće ne mogu zamisliti. Ono što najviše pamtim je da mi se ispričavao što plače preda mnom. I u isto vrijeme, pohvaljivao me, dizao mi moral, zato što ja ne plačem.
I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12-year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, "How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?" Now I expected him to say something like, I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me -- the boy said to me, "It would destroy me." And I said to myself, "God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?"
Na ovo također gledam kao na strah što ga imamo kao muškarci, strah koji nas naprosto paralizira, i čini nas taocima one muške kutije. Sjećam se razgovora s dvanaestogodišnjakom, igračem nogometa, i upitao sam ga, rekao, "Kako bi se osjećao da ti, pred svim igračima, trener kaže da igraš poput djevojčice?" Očekivao sam da će odgovoriti nešto poput, bio bih tužan, bio bih bijesan, ljutit ili nešto slično. Ne, dečko mi je rekao -- dečko mi je rekao, "To bi me uništilo." A ja rekoh sebi, "Bože, ako bi ga uništilo to da ga nazovu djevojčicom, što ga mi to onda učimo o djevojčicama?"
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
It took me back to a time when I was about 12 years old. I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city. At this time we're living in the Bronx, and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny. He was about 16 years old, and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys. And he was hanging out with all us younger guys. And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good. He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder, "What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?" And he did spend a lot of time up to no good. He was a troubled kid. His mother had died from a heroin overdose. He was being raised by his grandmother. His father wasn't on the set. His grandmother had two jobs. He was home alone a lot. But I've got to tell you, we young guys, we looked up to this dude, man. He was cool. He was fine. That's what the sisters said, "He was fine." He was having sex. We all looked up to him.
To me podsjetilo na vrijeme kada sam ja imao 12 godina. Odrastao sam u zgradi u središtu grada. U to doba živjeli smo u Bronxu. I u zgradi do moje živio je tip po imenu Johnny. Imao je oko 16 godina, a mi smo svi bili oko 12 – mlađi dečki. On je visio sa svima nama mlađima. Taj tip je često upadao u nevolje. Bio je od one vrste za koju se roditelji moraju zapitati, "Što taj šesnaestogodišnjak radi sa svim tim dvanaestogodišnjacima?" A radio je puno loših stvari. Imao je problema. Majka mu je umrla od predoziranja heroinom. Odgajala ga je baka. Oca nije bilo. Baka je radila dva posla. Puno je bio sam kod kuće. Ali moram vam reći, nama mlađim dečkima, predstavljao je uzor. Bio je cool. Bio je OK. To su sestre govorile, „On je OK." Seksao se. Svi smo se ugledali na njega.
So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something -- just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what. He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony." They called me Anthony growing up as a kid. "Hey Anthony, come on upstairs." Johnny call, you go. So I run right upstairs. As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?" Now I immediately knew what he meant. Because for me growing up at that time, and our relationship with this man box, "Do you want some?" meant one of two things: sex or drugs -- and we weren't doing drugs. Now my box, my card, my man box card, was immediately in jeopardy. Two things: One, I never had sex. We don't talk about that as men. You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life, the first time you had sex. For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two. There ain't no first time. (Laughter) The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any. That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl. Women are objects, especially sexual objects.
Jednog dana, nalazim se ispred kuće i nešto radim -- samo se zezam, nešto radim – ne znam što. On proviri kroz prozor, pozove me gore i kaže, „Hej, Anthony." Dok sam odrastao, zvali su me Anthony. "Hej, Anthony, dođi gore." Kad Johnny zove, vi idete. Pa sam se ustrčao na kat. Otvorio je vrata i rekao mi, „Hoćeš malo?" Odmah sam znao na što misli. Za mene je, u odrastanju, a i zbog naše povezanosti s muškom kutijom, hoćeš li malo moglo značiti jednu od dvije stvari, seksa ili droge -- a mi nismo konzumirali drogu. No, moja kutija, kartica, kartica muške kutije, smjesta se osjetila ugroženom. Dvije stvari: Prvo, nikad se nisam seksao. O tome mi muškarci ne razgovaramo. Kažete samo svom najdražem, najbližem prijatelji, zakletom na tajnost do kraja života, za prvi puta kada ste probali seks. Što se svakog drugog tiče, hodamo uokolo kao da se seksamo od svoje druge godine. Nema prvog puta. (Smijeh) Druga stvar koju mu nisam mogao reći je ta da i ne želim. To je još gore. Od nas se očekuje da smo uvijek u lovu. Žene su objekti, posebno seksualni objekti.
Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that. So, like my mother would say, make a long story short, I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes." He told me to go in his room. I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila. She's 16 years old. She's nude. She's what I know today to be mentally ill, higher-functioning at times than others. We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her. Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her. Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her. Because, while Sheila never said no, she also never said yes.
Bilo kako bilo, ništa od toga mu nisam mogao reći. Pa sam, kao što bi moja majka rekla, skratio priču. Jednostavno sam rekao Johnnyju, „Da.“ Rekao mi je da uđem u njegovu sobu. Ulazim u sobu. Na krevetu je djevojka iz susjedstva po imenu Sheila. Ona ima 16 godina. Gola je. Ona je, što danas znam, duševno bolesna, povremeno reagira jače od ostalih. Imali smo za nju brojna neprikladna imena. No, Johnny je upravo imao snošaj s njom. Zapravo, silovao ju je, ali bi on rekao da se seksao s njom. Jer, premda Sheila nikada nije rekla ne, također nikada nije ni rekla da.
So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same. So when I go in the room, I close the door. Folks, I'm petrified. I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room and see that I'm not doing anything, and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something. So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do; I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room. So in my 12 years of wisdom, I zip my pants down, I walk out into the room, and lo and behold to me, while I was in the room with Sheila, Johnny was back at the window calling guys up. So now there's a living room full of guys. It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office. And they asked me how was it, and I say to them, "It was good," and I zip my pants up in front of them, and I head for the door.
Pa mi je on pružao priliku da učinim isto. Pa kad sam ušao u sobu, zatvorio sam vrata. Ljudi, skamenio sam se. Stojim leđima oslonjen na vrata kako Johnny ne bi mogao upasti u sobu i vidjeti da ništa ne radim. I stojim ondje dovoljno dugo da sam zapravo stigao nešto i učiniti. Sad više ne pokušavam odrediti što mi je činiti, Pokušavam shvatiti kako ću izići iz ove sobe. I, sa svojih 12 godina iskustva, raskopčavam hlače, izlazim iz sobe. Na moje iznenađenje, dok sam bio u sobi sa Sheilom, Johnny je s prozora pozvao dečke gore. Pa je sada dnevna soba puna dečkiju. Izgledalo je poput liječničke čekaonice. I pitaju me kako je bilo. A ja im kažem, „Dobro." I zakopčavam hlače pred njima, i idem k vratima.
Now I say this all with remorse, and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time, but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited, because I didn't get caught. But I knew I felt bad about what was happening. This fear, getting outside the man box, totally enveloped me. It was way more important to me, about me and my man box card than about Sheila and what was happening to her.
Pričam sve ovo s kajanjem, i osjećao sam strahovito kajanje i u ono vrijeme, ali sam bio u sukobu sa sobom, jer, uz kajanje, bio sam i oduševljen, jer me nisu uhvatili, ali znam da sam se osjećao loše zbog tog što se dogodilo. Taj strah da napustite mušku kutiju potpuno me zarobio. Bio mi je puno važniji, usredotočenost na sebe i moju mušku kutiju, nego Sheila i ono što se događalo njoj.
See collectively, we as men are taught to have less value in women, to view them as property and the objects of men. We see that as an equation that equals violence against women. We as men, good men, the large majority of men, we operate on the foundation of this whole collective socialization. We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it. You see, we have to come to understand that less value, property and objectification is the foundation and the violence can't happen without it. So we're very much a part of the solution as well as the problem. The center for disease control says that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions, is the number one health concern for women in this country and abroad.
Vidite, kolektivno, mi smo kao muškarci naučeni da u ženama vidimo manju vrijednost, da ih vidimo kao vlasništvo i objekte muškaraca. To vidimo kao jednadžbu koja je jednaka nasilju nad ženama. Mi kao muškarci, dobri muškarci, velika većina muškaraca, funkcioniramo na temeljima čitave te kolektivne socijalizacije. Mi sebe vidimo kao nešto zasebno, ali smo uvelike dio toga. Vidite, moramo spoznati da su manja vrijednost, vlasništvo i objektivizacija temelji i da se bez njih nasilje ne može dogoditi. Tako smo u velikoj mjeri dio rješenja kao što smo i dio problema. Centar za kontrolu bolesti kaže da je nasilje muškaraca nad ženama poprimilo epidemijske razmjere, i predstavlja zdravstveni problem žena broj jedan u ovoj zemlji i u inozemstvu.
So quickly, I'd like to just say, this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay. The world I envision for her -- how do I want men to be acting and behaving? I need you on board. I need you with me. I need you working with me and me working with you on how we raise our sons and teach them to be men -- that it's okay to not be dominating, that it's okay to have feelings and emotions, that it's okay to promote equality, that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it, that it's okay to be whole, that my liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)
Pa bih, kratko, želio samo reći, ovo je ljubav moga života, moja kćerka Jay. U svijetu koji ja zamišljam za nju, kako želim da muškarci postupaju i ponašaju se? Trebam vas u tome. Trebam vas sa mnom. Trebam da surađujete sa mnom i da ja surađujem s vama u pogledu toga kako odgajamo sinove i učimo ih muškosti -- da je u redu ako ne dominirate, da je u redu imati osjećaje i emocije, da je u redu zagovarati jednakost, da je u redu biti samo prijatelj sa ženama i ništa više, da je u redu biti cjelovit, da je moja muška sloboda vezana za vašu žensku slobodu.
I remember asking a nine-year-old boy, I asked a nine-year-old boy, "What would life be like for you, if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?" He said to me, "I would be free."
Sjećam se da sam pitao jednog devetogodišnjaka. Pitao sam devetogodišnjaka, "Kakav bi život vodio, da se ne moraš pridržavati pravila muške kutije?" Rekao mi je, „Bio bih slobodan."
Thank you folks.
Hvala vam, ljudi.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)