I grew up in New York City, between Harlem and the Bronx. Growing up as a boy, we were taught that men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating -- no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger -- and definitely no fear; that men are in charge, which means women are not; that men lead, and you should just follow and do what we say; that men are superior; women are inferior; that men are strong; women are weak; that women are of less value, property of men, and objects, particularly sexual objects. I've later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as the "man box." See this man box has in it all the ingredients of how we define what it means to be a man. Now I also want to say, without a doubt, there are some wonderful, wonderful, absolutely wonderful things about being a man. But at the same time, there's some stuff that's just straight up twisted, and we really need to begin to challenge, look at it and really get in the process of deconstructing, redefining, what we come to know as manhood.
New York-en hazi nintzen Harlem eta Bronx auzoen artean. Mutil izanda, irakatsi ziguten gizonok gogor eta indartsu ausart eta menderatzaile izan behar genuela, minik gabe, emoziorik gabe amorrua izan ezik, eta, batez ere, beldurrik gabe; Gizonok agintzen dugula, hots, emakumeek ez. Gizonok bideratzen dugula eta, guk esaten duguna egin behar duzuela. Gizonok goi-mailakoak garela; emakumeak, behe-mailakoak. Gizonok indartsuak garela; emakumeak ahulak. Emakumeek gutxiago balio dutela, eta gizonon jabetza direla, objektuak; batez ere, sexu-objektuak. Geroago konturatu nintzen gizonon talde-sozializazioa dela hori, edo "gizontasun kit"-a. Kit horrek gizon bat definitzen duten osagai guztiak dauzka. Hau ere esan nahi dut, dudarik gabe: badagoela zerbait miresgarria, benetan miresgarria, gizon izatean. Baina aldi berean badaude euren onetik atera diren gauza batzuk eta benetan berriro hasi behar dugu arazoari aurre egiten eta benetan ailegatzea berreraikitzera, berdefinitzera, gizontasunari buruz daukagun ideia.
This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay. They're 11 and 12. Kendall's 15 months older than Jay. There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I, we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom: Kendall and Jay. (Laughter) And when they were about five and six, four and five, Jay could come to me, come to me crying. It didn't matter what she was crying about, she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up, just cry, cry it out. Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.
Nire seme-alabak: Kendall eta Jay. 11 eta 12 urte. Kendall Jay baino 15 hilabete helduagoa da. Garai hartan emaztea, Tammie, eta biok oso lanpeturik geunden bata dela eta bestea dela eta bat-batean: Kendall eta Jay. (Algarak) Eta 5-6 urte zutenean, 4 eta 5, Jay niregana hurbiltzen zen, negar zotinka. Negarren arrazoia ez zen garrantzi handikoa, nire belaunean eseri eta mauka mukiz bete ahal zidan, egin negar lasai. Aita hemen dago. Ez kezkatu.
Now Kendall on the other hand -- and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her -- he'd come to me crying, it's like as soon as I would hear him cry, a clock would go off. I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds, which means, by the time he got to me, I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying? Hold your head up. Look at me. Explain to me what's wrong. Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you. Why are you crying?" And out of my own frustration of my role and responsibility of building him up as a man to fit into these guidelines and these structures that are defining this man box, I would find myself saying things like, "Just go in your room. Just go on, go on in your room. Sit down, get yourself together and come back and talk to me when you can talk to me like a --" what? (Audience: Man.) Like a man. And he's five years old. And as I grow in life, I would say to myself, "My God, what's wrong with me? What am I doing? Why would I do this?" And I think back. I think back to my father.
Kendallek beste aldetik, aipatu bezala, 15 hilabete gehiago besterik ez, negar zotinka ere bai, eta negar egiten entzun bezain pronto barruko kronometroa martxan jartzen zidan. Mutilari, agian, 30 segundu ematen nizkion, niregana hurbiltzen zenerako horrelako zerbait esaten nion: "Zergatik negarrez? Altxa ezazu burua. Begiratu. Azaldu zein den arazoa. Zein den arazoa. Ezin zaitut ulertu. Zergatik ari zara negarrez?" Nire frustrazioaren gatibu, nire rolaren eta bera gizon bihurtzeko erantzukizunaren gatibu, arau hauetan egokitzeko eta estruktura hauetan non gizona izatea argi definitzen den honelakoak esaten nizkion: "Zoaz zure gelara. Han egon, zure gelan bertan. Eseri zaitez agortu arte, eta gero etor zaitez prest zaudenean hitz egiteko, noren gisa" .... (Entzuleria: Gizonen gisa) Gizonen gisa. Eta 5 urte besterik ez zituen. Urteak pasa ahala nire buruari galdetu nion "Jainko maitea, zer gertatzen zait? Zer egiten ari naiz? Zergatik egiten dut hau?" Eta gogoratu nuen. Nire aita gogoratu nuen.
There was a time in my life where we had a very troubled experience in our family. My brother, Henry, he died tragically when we were teenagers. We lived in New York City, as I said. We lived in the Bronx at the time, and the burial was in a place called Long Island, it was about two hours outside of the city. And as we were preparing to come back from the burial, the cars stopped at the bathroom to let folks take care of themselves before the long ride back to the city. And the limousine empties out. My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out, but my father and I stayed in the limousine, and no sooner than the women got out, he burst out crying. He didn't want cry in front of me, but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city, and it was better me than to allow himself to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women. And this is a man who, 10 minutes ago, had just put his teenage son in the ground -- something I just can't even imagine. The thing that sticks with me the most is that he was apologizing to me for crying in front of me, and at the same time, he was also giving me props, lifting me up, for not crying.
Nire bizitzaren garai batean, oso esperientzia traumatikoa jasan genuen familian. Nire anaia Henry tragikoki hil egin zen nerabeak ginenean. New Yorken bizi ginen, aipatu bezala. Garai hartan, Bronxen bizi ginen eta ehorzketa Long Island-en izan zen, 2 ordu inguruko distantziara. Eta prestatzen ari ginen bitartean ehorzketatik bueltatzeko kotxe guztiak komunetan gelditu ziren pertsonak komunera joan ahal izateko itzuli-bide luzea hasi baino lehen. Limusina hutsik geratu zen. Ama, arreba, izeko, guztiak jaitsi ziren. Nire aita eta biok izan ezik. Eta emakumeak jaitsi bezain pronto nire aita negar egiten hasi zen. Ez zuen nire aurrean negar egin nahi. Baina bazekien ezingo zuela eutsi hirira iritsi arte eta hobe zela nire aurrean egitea emozio eta sentimendu horiek emakumeen aurrean erakustea baino. Eta gizon horrek 10 minutu lehenago bere seme gaztetxoa lurperatu zuen; horrelako zerbait imaginatzea ezinezkoa da niretzat. Hunkitu ninduen gauza bitxiena bere aitzakiak izan ziren nire aurrean negar egiteagatik. Eta, aldi berean, zorionak eman zizkidan, nire jarrera goretsi zuen, negar ez egiteagatik.
I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12-year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, "How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?" Now I expected him to say something like, I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me -- the boy said to me, "It would destroy me." And I said to myself, "God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?"
Orain ulertu dut gizonok daukagun beldur hori, gelditu egin gaituen ikara, bahitu egin gintuen beldurra gizontasun-kit horretatik. Behin hitz egin nuen 12 urteko mutil batekin, futbol jokalaria, eta zera galdetu nion: "Nola sentituko zinateke taldearen aurrean entrenatzaileak esango balizu neska baten antzera jolastu duzula?" Nik pentsatu nuen esango zidala triste, goibel edo haserre sentituko zela. Ez, umeak esan zidan ... umeak esan zidan: "Horrek suntsituko ninduke". Eta nire baitan pentsatu nuen: "Jainko maitea, neska deitzeak suntsituko balu zer irakasten ari gatzaio neskei buruz?"
(Applause)
(Txaloak)
It took me back to a time when I was about 12 years old. I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city. At this time we're living in the Bronx, and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny. He was about 16 years old, and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys. And he was hanging out with all us younger guys. And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good. He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder, "What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?" And he did spend a lot of time up to no good. He was a troubled kid. His mother had died from a heroin overdose. He was being raised by his grandmother. His father wasn't on the set. His grandmother had two jobs. He was home alone a lot. But I've got to tell you, we young guys, we looked up to this dude, man. He was cool. He was fine. That's what the sisters said, "He was fine." He was having sex. We all looked up to him.
Eta horrek gogorarazten dit 12 urte nituen garaia. Hiri-nukleo txiroko etxebizitza xume batean hazi nintzen. Garai hartan Bronxen bizi ginen. Eta gure etxe ondoko eraikuntzan Johnny izeneko mutil bat zegoen. 16 urte inguru zituen, eta guk 12 urte genituen, gazteagoak. Eta bera gurekin ateratzen zen. Eta gazte horrek ez zuen gauza onik egiten. Gurasoek harrituta galdetuko lukete: "Zer egiten du 16 urteko mutilak 12 urtekoekin?" Denbora dexente eman zuen ezer onik egin gabe. Mutil nahasia zen. Bere ama heroina-gaindosi batez hil zen. Bere amamak hezi zuen. Bere aita desagerturik zegoen. Bere amamak 2 lanpostu zituen. Askotan egoten zen etxean bakarrik. Baina egia kontatu behar dizuet, gainerakook mutil hori miresten genuen. Apartekoa zen. Bikaina. Hori zioten gure arrebek: "Bikaina da". Sexu-harremanak zituen.
So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something -- just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what. He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony." They called me Anthony growing up as a kid. "Hey Anthony, come on upstairs." Johnny call, you go. So I run right upstairs. As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?" Now I immediately knew what he meant. Because for me growing up at that time, and our relationship with this man box, "Do you want some?" meant one of two things: sex or drugs -- and we weren't doing drugs. Now my box, my card, my man box card, was immediately in jeopardy. Two things: One, I never had sex. We don't talk about that as men. You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life, the first time you had sex. For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two. There ain't no first time. (Laughter) The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any. That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl. Women are objects, especially sexual objects.
Benetan miresten genuen. Egun batean, bere etxe azpian nengoen zerbait egiten jolasten, edo. Leihotik begiratu zuen eta igotzeko esan zidan: "Kaixo Anthony". Txikitan hala deitzen zidaten. "Kaixo Anthony. Etor zaitez gora". Johnnyk deitu, eta hara gindoazen. Eskailerak korrika igo nuen. Eta atea zabaltzean esan zidan: "Nahi al duzu?" Eta bat-batean konturatu nintzen zertaz ari zen. Garai hartan niretzat gizontasun-giro horrekin erlazionaturik "nahi" hitzak bi esanahi posible zituen: sexua edo droga; eta ez geunden drogatan sartuta. Nire kit-a, nire gizontasun-egiaztagiria berehalako arriskuan zegoen. Bi gauza: bata, ez nuen inoiz sexu-harremanik izan. Baina gizon batek ez du inoiz hori esaten. Lagun maiteari, gertukoari kontatzen zaio, isileko juramentuan, sexu-harremanak izan zituen lehenengo aldia. Gainerakoentzat, bazirudien 2 urtetatik aurrera izan genituela. Ez zegoen lehenengo aldirik. (Algarak) Kontatu ezin nion beste gauza: nik ez nuen nahi. Hori txarragoa zen. Antza denez, beti prest geunden. Emakumeak objektuak dira, batez ere, objektu sexualak.
Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that. So, like my mother would say, make a long story short, I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes." He told me to go in his room. I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila. She's 16 years old. She's nude. She's what I know today to be mentally ill, higher-functioning at times than others. We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her. Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her. Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her. Because, while Sheila never said no, she also never said yes.
Dena den, ezin nion hori esan. Beraz, amak zioenez, istorioa laburtzeko, "bai" esan nion Johnnyri. Bere gelara sartzeko eskatu zidan. Logelan sartu nintzen. Ohean auzoko neska bat zegoen, Sheila. 16 urte zituen. Biluzik zegoen. Buruko gaixoa zen; batzuetan besteetan baino zuhurragoa. Berarentzat izen desegoki asko geneuzkan. Dena den, Johnnyk arestian sexu-harremanak izan zituen berarekin. Beno, bortxatu egin zuen baina berak sexu-harreman deitzen zion. Zeren Sheilak ez zuen inoiz ezetz esan, ezta baietz ere.
So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same. So when I go in the room, I close the door. Folks, I'm petrified. I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room and see that I'm not doing anything, and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something. So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do; I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room. So in my 12 years of wisdom, I zip my pants down, I walk out into the room, and lo and behold to me, while I was in the room with Sheila, Johnny was back at the window calling guys up. So now there's a living room full of guys. It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office. And they asked me how was it, and I say to them, "It was good," and I zip my pants up in front of them, and I head for the door.
Horregatik eskaini zidan gauza bera egiteko aukera. Gelara sartu nintzenean, atea itxi nuen. Aizue, estonatuta nengoen. Bizkarra atearen kontra, Johnny gelara ez sartzeko eta ez ikusteko ez nintzela ezer egiten ari. Denbora dexente eman nuen, balizko ekintza gerta zedin. Ezin nuen pentsatu zer egin gela hartatik nola atera baino ez. Orduan nire 12 urteko jakituriarekin prakaren kremailera jaitsi nuen eta gelatik irten nintzen. Eta nire harridurarako, ni Sheilarekin egon nintzen bitartean, Johnny leihora bueltatu zen eta lagunak deitzen ari zen. Hots, orain egongela beterik zegoen. Medikuareneko itxaron-gela zirudien. Eta iritzia galdetu zidaten. Eta nik erantzun nien "Ondo". Eta kremailera igo nuen euren aurrean eta handik atera nintzen. Orain alhaduraz esaten dut hau,
Now I say this all with remorse, and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time, but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited, because I didn't get caught. But I knew I felt bad about what was happening. This fear, getting outside the man box, totally enveloped me. It was way more important to me, about me and my man box card than about Sheila and what was happening to her.
eta garai hartan kristoren alhadura sentitu nuen, baina larrituta nengoen, alhadura sentitu arren, hunkitu nintzelako haiek konturatu ez zirelako; baina banekien txarto sentitu nintzela. Gizontasun-arautik irtetzeko beldur horrek guztiz harrapatu ninduen. Askoz inportanteagoak ziren nire gizontasun-egiaztagiriak Sheilarena eta han gertatu zenarena baino. Modu kolektiboan ikusita, gizon gisa,
See collectively, we as men are taught to have less value in women, to view them as property and the objects of men. We see that as an equation that equals violence against women. We as men, good men, the large majority of men, we operate on the foundation of this whole collective socialization. We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it. You see, we have to come to understand that less value, property and objectification is the foundation and the violence can't happen without it. So we're very much a part of the solution as well as the problem. The center for disease control says that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions, is the number one health concern for women in this country and abroad.
emakumeak mespretxatzen irakasten digute, gizonen jabetza eta objektu gisa ikusten. Jarrera horrek emakumeen kontrako indarkeriara eramaten gaitu. Gizon gisa, gizon on gisa, gizon gehienok, jarraitzen dugu talde-sozializazio hau. Banandurik ikusten dugu, baina arazoaren zati bat gara. Ulertu behar dugu mespretxatzea, jabetza eta gauza bihurtzea euskarri direla eta hori gabe indarkeria ezin dela gertatu. Beraz, irtenbidearen zati bat gara baita arazoarena ere. Gaixotasunen Kontrolen Zentroak dio gizonen indarkeria emakumeen kontra jada epidemikoa dela; emakumeen osasun-arazo printzipalena da, hemen zein atzerrian.
So quickly, I'd like to just say, this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay. The world I envision for her -- how do I want men to be acting and behaving? I need you on board. I need you with me. I need you working with me and me working with you on how we raise our sons and teach them to be men -- that it's okay to not be dominating, that it's okay to have feelings and emotions, that it's okay to promote equality, that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it, that it's okay to be whole, that my liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)
Amaitzeko, gustatuko litzaidake esatea nire alaba Jay nire bizitzaren maitasuna dela. Berarentzat imaginatzen dudan munduan, nola gustatuko litzaidake gizonak portatzea? Barruan behar zaitut, nirekin. Lanean behar zaitut nirekin eta ni zurekin semeen hezkuntzan benetako gizon bihurtzeko. Ez-menderatzilea izatea ondo dagoela, sentimendu eta emozioak izatea, berdintasuna bultzatzea ondo dagoela, emakumezko lagunak izatea ondo dagoela, zintzoa izatea ondo dagoela, gizonaren askatzea emakumearen askatzeari lotuta dagoela.
I remember asking a nine-year-old boy, I asked a nine-year-old boy, "What would life be like for you, if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?" He said to me, "I would be free."
Behin galdetu nion 9 urteko mutil bati: "Zer izango litzateke bizitza zuretzat gizontasun-arau horri lotuko ez bazina?" Eta esan zidan: "Aske izango nintzateke."
Thank you folks.
Mila esker guztioi.
(Applause)
(Txaloak)