When my 91-year-old mother, Elia, moved in with me, I thought I was doing her a service. In fact, it was the other way around. You see, Mom was having issues with memory loss and accepting her age. She looked defeated. I tried to make her as comfortable as possible, but when I was at my easel, painting, I would peek over and see her just ... there. She'd be staring at nothing in particular. I'd watch her slowly climb the stairs, and she wasn't the mom I grew up with. I saw, instead, a frail, tiny, old woman.
Kada se moja 91-godišnja majka, Elija, uselila kod mene, mislio sam da joj činim uslugu. U stvari, bilo je obrnuto. Vidite, mama je imala probleme sa gubitkom pamćenja i prihvatanjem godina. Izgledala je poraženo. Pokušao sam da učinim da joj bude što udobnije, ali dok sam bio za štafelajem, slikajući, provirio bih preko njega i prosto je video „tamo“. Zurila bi u nešto neodređeno. Gledao bih je dok se polako penje uz stepenice, i to nije bila mama uz koju sam odrastao. Umesto nje, video sam krhku, sićušnu staricu.
A few weeks went by, and I needed a break from my painting. I wanted to play with the new camera I had just bought. I was excited -- it had all sorts of dials, buttons and settings I wanted to learn, so I set up my tripod facing this large mirror, blocking the doorway to the only bathroom in the house.
Nakon nekoliko nedelja, trebao mi je odmor od slikanja. Hteo sam da se igram sa novim foto-aparatom koji sam kupio. Bio sam uzbuđen - imao je razne opcije, dugmiće i podešavanja koje sam hteo da isprobam, pa sam namestio stalak naspram velikog ogledala, blokirajući ulaz u jedino kupatilo u kući.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
After a while, I hear, (Imitating Italian accent) "I need to use the washroom."
Posle izvesnog vremena, čujem: (Sa italijanskim naglaskom) „Moram da idem u toalet.“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"Five minutes, Mom. I need to do this." 15 minutes later, and I hear, again, "I need to use the washroom." "Five more minutes." Then this happened.
„Pet minuta, mama. Moram ovo da završim.“ Petnaest minuta kasnije, čujem ponovo: „Moram da koristim toalet“. „Za pet minuta“. Onda se desilo ovo.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
And this.
I ovo.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And then, this.
A zatim, ovo.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I had my "aha!" moment. We connected. We had something tangible we could do together.
Imao sam svoj „aha“ trenutak. Povezali smo se. Imali smo nešto opipljivo što možemo da radimo zajedno.
My mom was born in a small mountain village in central Italy, where her parents had land and sheep. At a young age, her father died of pneumonia, leaving his wife and two daughters alone with all the heavy chores. They found that they couldn't cope. So a very hard decision was made. Mom, the oldest, at 13, was married off to a complete stranger twice her age. She went from being just a kid and was pushed into adulthood. Mom had her first child when she was only 16.
Moja majka je rođena u malom planinskom selu u centralnoj Italiji, gde su njeni roditelji imali zemlju i ovce. Kao mlad, njen otac je umro od upale pluća, ostavivši same ženu i dve kćerke sa svim teškim poslovima. Shvatile su da ne mogu da se nose s tim. Pa su donele jako tešku odluku. Majku su, kao najstariju, sa 13 godina, udali za potpunog stranca duplo starijeg od nje. Iz detinjstva su je gurnuli u zrelo doba. Majka je rodila svoje prvo dete sa samo 16 godina.
Years later, and now living in Toronto, Mom got work in a clothing factory and soon became manager of a very large sewing department. And because it was full of immigrant workers, Mom taught herself words from translation books. She then practiced them in French, Greek, Spanish, Portuguese, Danish, Polish, Russian, Romanian, Hungarian, all around the house. I was in awe of her focus and determination to succeed at whatever she loved to do.
Godinama kasnije, živeći u Torontu, majka je dobila posao u fabrici odeće i uskoro postala menadžer jako velikog odeljenja za šivenje. A pošto je bilo puno radnika imigranata, mama je učila reči iz knjiga za prevođenje. Zatim ih je uvežbavala na francuskom, grčkom, španskom, portugalskom, danskom, poljskom, ruskom, rumunskom, mađarskom, po čitavoj kući. Divio sam se njenom fokusu i odlučnosti da uspe u svemu što je volela da radi.
After that bathroom "aha!" moment, I practiced my newfound camera skills with Mom as portrait model. Through all of this, she talked, and I listened. She'd tell me about her early childhood and how she was feeling now. We had each other's attention. Mom was losing her short-term memory, but was better recalling her younger years. I'd ask, and she would tell me stories. I listened, and I was her audience. I got ideas. I wrote them down, and I sketched them out. I showed her what to do by acting out the scenarios myself. We would then stage them. So she posed, and I learned more about photography. Mom loved the process, the acting. She felt worthy again, she felt wanted and needed. And she certainly wasn't camera-shy.
Nakon onog „aha“ trenutka u kupatilu, vežbao sam svoje novostečene veštine sa aparatom dok je mama pozirala. Tokom celog tog procesa, ona je pričala, a ja slušao. Pričala bi mi o svom ranom detinjstvu i kako se trenutno oseća. Imali smo pažnju jedno drugog. Mama je gubila kratkoročno pamćenje, ali se bolje sećala svojih mlađih godina. Pitao bih je, a ona bi mi pričala priče. Slušao sam, i bio njena publika. Dobio sam ideje. Zapisao sam ih i skicirao. Pokazao sam joj šta da radi tako što bih odglumio. Zatim bismo to izvodili. Ona je pozirala, a ja sam učio više o fotografiji. Mama je obožavala taj proces, glumu. Ponovo se osećala dostojno, željeno i potrebno. I definitivno se nije stidela kamere.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Mom laughed hysterically at this one.
Mama se histerično smejala ovoj.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
The idea for this image came from an old German film I'd seen, about a submarine, called "Das Boot." As you can see, what I got instead looked more like "E.T."
Ideju za ovu fotografiju sam dobio iz starog nemačkog filma koji sam gledao, o podmornici, „Das Boot“. Kao što vidite, ono što sam dobio više je ličilo na „E.T-ja“.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
So I put this image aside, thinking it was a total failure, because it didn't reach my particular vision. But Mom laughed so hard, I eventually, for fun, decided to post it online anyway. It got an incredible amount of attention.
Tako da sam sklonio ovu fotografiju, misleći da je totalni promašaj, jer nije odgovarala mojoj viziji. Ali mama se tako jako smejala, da sam na kraju, iz zabave, ipak odlučio da je postavim na internet. Dobila je neverovatno mnogo pažnje.
Now, with any Alzheimer's, dementia, there's a certain amount of frustration and sadness for everyone involved. This is Mom's silent scream. Her words to me one day were, "Why is my head so full of things to say, but before they reach my mouth, I forget what they are?" "Why is my head so full of things to say, but before they reach my mouth, I forget what they are?"
E sad, kod Alchajmera, demencije, postoji određena količina frustracije i tuge za svoje koji su uključeni. Ovo je mamin tihi vrisak. Jednog dana me je pitala: „Zašto je moja glava prepuna stvari koje bih rekla, ali pre nego što one dosegnu usta, zaboravim koje su?“ „Zašto je moja glava prepuna stvari koje bih rekla, ali pre nego što one dosegnu usta, zaboravim koje su?“
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Now, as full-time care partner and full-time painter, I had my frustrations too.
Kao stalni negovatelj i slikar, i ja sam imao svojih frustracija.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
But to balance off all the difficulties, we played. That was Mom's happy place. And I needed her to be there, too.
Kako bismo izbalansirali sve poteškoće, igrali smo se. To je mamu činilo srećnom. A i ja sam hteo da bude srećna.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Now, Mom was also preoccupied with aging. She would say, "How did I get so old, so fast?"
Takođe, mama je bila zabrinuta starenjem. Govorila bi: „Kako sam tako brzo toliko ostarila?“
(Audience sighs)
(Uzdasi publike)
"So old." "So fast."
„Toliko ostarila“. „Tako brzo“.
I also got Mom to model for my oil paintings. This painting is called "The Dressmaker." I remember, as a kid, Mom sewing clothes for the whole family on this massive, heavy sewing machine that was bolted to the floor in the basement. Many nights, I would go downstairs and bring my schoolwork with me. I would sit behind her in this overstuffed chair. The low hum of the huge motor and the repetitive stitching sounds were comforting to me. When Mom moved into my house, I saved this machine and stored it in my studio for safekeeping. This painting brought me back to my childhood. The interesting part was that it was now Mom, sitting behind me, watching me paint her working on that very same machine she sewed at when I sat behind her, watching her sew, 50 years earlier.
Mama mi je, takođe, pozirala za moja ulja na platnu. Ova slika se zove „Krojačica“. Kao dete se sećam da je mama šila odeću za celu porodicu na jednoj masivnoj, velikoj šivaćoj mašini pričvršćenoj za pod u podrumu. Mnogo puta, sišao bih dole sa domaćim zadatkom. Seo bih iza nje na jednu pretrpanu stolicu. Tihi zvuk velikog motora i ponavljajući zvuci šivenja su mi prijali. Kada se mama doselila kod mene, sačuvao sam tu mašinu u svom studiju da bih je imao na sigurnom. Ova slika me je vratila u detinjstvo. Ono što je interesantno je da je sada mama sedela iza mene, gledajući me kako je slikam dok šije na istoj onoj mašini na kojoj je šila kada sam ja sedeo iza nje i gledao je, 50 godina ranije.
I also gave Mom a project to do, to keep her busy and thinking. I provided her with a small camera and asked her to take at least 10 pictures a day of anything she wanted. These are Mom's photographs. She's never held a camera in her life before this. She was 93. We would sit down together and talk about our work. I would try to explain
Mami sam takođe dao projekat, da joj zaokupim misli. Dao sam joj mali foto-aparat i tražio da svaki dan napravi bar 10 fotografija čega god je htela. Ovo su mamine fotografije. Pre ovoga, nikada u životu nije držala foto-aparat u rukama. Imala je 93 godine. Seli bismo i pričali o našim radovima. Pokušao bih da objasnim
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
how and why I did them, the meaning, the feeling, why they were relevant. Mom, on the other hand, would just bluntly say, "sì," "no," "bella" or "bruta."
kako i zašto sam ih napravio, značenje, osećaj, zašto su važne. Mama bi, s druge strane, samo tupo govorila: „da“, „ne“, „lepo“ ili „ružno“.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I watched her facial expressions. She always had the last say, with words or without.
Posmatrao sam izraze njenog lica. Njena reč je uvek bila poslednja, sa rečima ili bez.
This voyage of discovery hasn't ended with Mom. She is now in an assisted living residence, a 10-minute walk away from my home. I visit her every other day. Her dementia had gotten to the point where it was unsafe for her to be in my house. It has a lot of stairs. She doesn't know my name anymore. (Voice breaking) But you know what? That's OK. She still recognizes my face and always has a big smile when she sees me.
Ovaj put otkrivanja nije se završio sa mamom. Ona je sada u staračkom domu, 10 minuta peške od mog doma. Posećujem je svaki drugi dan. Njena demencija je dovela do toga da nije bezbedno za nju da bude kod mene. Jer ima mnogo stepenica. Više ne zna moje ime. (Glas puca) Ali znate šta? To je u redu. Još uvek me prepoznaje i uvek ima veliki osmeh kada me vidi.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
(Applause ends)
(Kraj aplauza)
I don't take pictures of her anymore. That wouldn't be fair or ethical on my part. And she wouldn't understand the reasons for doing them. My father, my brother, (Voice breaking) my nephew, my partner and my best friend, all passed away suddenly. And I didn't have the chance to tell them how much I appreciated and loved them. With Mom, I need to be there and make it a very long goodbye.
Više je ne fotografišem. To ne bi bilo fer ili etično od mene. I ne bi razumela zašto je fotografišem. Moj otac, brat, (Glas puca) moj nećak, moj partner i moj najbolji prijatelj, svi su iznenada preminuli. I nisam imao priliku da im kažem koliko ih cenim i volim. Sa mamom, moram da budem prisutan i da se nadugačko oprostim.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
(Applause ends)
(Kraj aplauza)
For me, it's about being present and really listening. Dependents want to feel a part of something, anything. It doesn't need to be something exceptionally profound that's shared -- it could be as simple as walks together. Give them a voice of interaction, participation, and a feeling of belonging. Make the time meaningful. Life, it's about wanting to live and not waiting to die.
Za mene, važno je biti prisutan i zaista slušati. Oni koji zavise od drugih žele da se osećaju kao deo nečega, bilo čega. Ne morate deliti nešto izuzetno duboko - to može biti prosto kao zajedničke šetnje. Dajte im osećaj interakcije, učestvovanja, i osećaj pripadanja. Učinite vreme značajnim. Život čini želja za životom, a ne čekanje na smrt.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
(Applause ends)
(Kraj aplauza)
Can I get a wave and a smile from everyone, please?
Da li biste svi mogli da mahnete i nasmejete se, molim vas?
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
This is for you, Mom.
Ovo je za tebe, mama.
(Camera clicks)
(Zvuk foto-aparata)
(Applause)
(Aplauz)