"Jeg er lidt af en perfektionist." Hvor ofte hører man ikke det? I selskab med venner eller familien. Det er alles yndlingsfejl. Det er det ofte brugte svar på det svære, afsluttende spørgsmål til jobsamtalen: "Min største svaghed? Det er min perfektionisme."
I'm a bit of a perfectionist. Now, how many times have you heard that one? Over drinks, maybe, with friends, or perhaps with family at Thanksgiving. It's everyone's favorite flaw, it's that now quite common response to the difficult, final question at job interviews: "My biggest weakness? That's my perfectionism."
Efter sigende holder det os tilbage, men mange rækker stadig hånden i vejret og siger de er perfektionister. Men der er en alvorlig pointe, for vores modvillige beundring af perfektion er så udbredt at vi sjældent undrer os over, hvorfor det er sådan. Hvad siger det om os og vores samfund at vi på den måde hylder perfektion?
You see, for something that supposedly holds us back, it's quite remarkable how many of us are quite happy to hold our hands up and say we're perfectionists. But there's an interesting and serious point because our begrudging admiration for perfection is so pervasive that we never really stop to question that concept in its own terms. What does it say about us and our society that there is a kind of celebration in perfection?
Vi ser perfektion som et tegn på værdi. De succesfuldes kendetegn. Men i mine studier af perfektionisme, så jeg sjældent beviser på at perfektionister har større succes. Nærmere det modsatte - de føler sig misfornøjede og utilfredse og lever med en fornemmelse af ikke at være perfekte nok. Vi ved fra sygejournaler at perfektionisme kan dække over en række psykiske udfordringer, lidelser som depression, angst, anoreksi, bulimi og sågar selvmordstanker. Og mere bekymrende er at gennem de seneste 25 år har vi set en alarmerende stigning i perfektionisme. Og i samme periode, har vi set flere unge med psykiske lidelser end nogensinde før. Selvmordsraterne i USA alene er steget med 25 procent gennem de seneste to årtier. Og vi begynder at se tilsvarende tendenser i Canada og i mit hjemland, Storbritannien.
We tend to hold perfectionism up as an insignia of worth. The emblem of the successful. Yet, in my time studying perfectionism, I've seen limited evidence that perfectionists are more successful. Quite the contrary -- they feel discontented and dissatisfied amid a lingering sense that they're never quite perfect enough. We know from clinician case reports that perfectionism conceals a host of psychological difficulties, including things like depression, anxiety, anorexia, bulimia and even suicide ideation. And what's more worrying is that over the last 25 years, we have seen perfectionism rise at an alarming rate. And at the same time, we have seen more mental illness among young people than ever before. Rates of suicide in the US alone increased by 25 percent across the last two decades. And we're beginning to see similar trends emerge across Canada, and in my home country, the United Kingdom.
Vores studier indikerer at perfektionismen stiger, fordi samfundet ændrer sig. Og det ændrer opfattelsen af personlig identitet og ændrer måden unge omgås hinanden og verden omkring dem. Vores markedsbaserede samfund giver bl.a. ubegrænsede valgmuligheder og personlig frihed, og vi mener disse kendetegn bidrager til problemets store udbredelse.
Now, our research is suggesting that perfectionism is rising as society is changing. And a changed society reflects a changed sense of personal identity and, with it, differences in the way in which young people interact with each other and the world around them. And there are some unique characteristics about our preeminent, market-based society that include things like unrestricted choice and personal freedom, and these are characteristics that we feel are contributing to almost epidemic levels of this problem.
Et eksempel ... Unge i dag er mere optagede af at opnå det perfekte liv og livsstil. Hvad angår deres selvbillede, status og rigdom viser data fra Pew, at unge mennesker født i USA i slutningen af 1980'erne 20% oftere angiver materiel rigdom som et af deres vigtigste mål i livet, i forhold til tidligere generationer. Unge mennesker låner mere end de ældre generationer og de bruger en langt større del af deres indkomst på fysiske goder og statussymboler. Disse statussymboler, deres liv og livsstil vises detaljeret frem på de sociale medier såsom Instagram, Facebook og Snapchat. I denne nye visuelle kultur, er illusionen om perfektion vigtigere end virkeligheden.
So let me give you an example. Young people today are more preoccupied with the attainment of the perfect life and lifestyle. In terms of their image, status and wealth. Data from Pew show that young people born in the US in the late 1980s are 20 percent more likely to report being materially rich as among their most important life goals, relative to their parents and their grandparents. Young people also borrow more heavily than did older generations, and they spend a much greater proportion of their income on image goods and status possessions. These possessions, their lives and their lifestyles are now displayed in vivid detail on the ubiquitous social media platforms of Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. In this new visual culture, the appearance of perfection is far more important than the reality.
Hvis den ene side af det moderne landskab, som vi overdådigt omgiver de unge med, er ideen om et liv, der kan perfektioneres og en tilhørende livsstil, så er den anden side helt sikkert arbejde. Intet er umuligt, hvis man vil det nok. Det får vi at vide. Det er grundlaget i den amerikanske drøm. Muligheder, evner og skabertrang. At hårdt arbejde betaler sig. Og vigtigst af alt - vi er vores egen lykkes smed. Disse idéer binder vores rigdom og status og selvbillede sammen med vores medfødte personlige værdi.
If one side of the modern landscape that we have so lavishly furnished for young people is this idea that there's a perfectible life and that there's a perfectible lifestyle, then the other is surely work. Nothing is out of reach for those who want it badly enough. Or so we're told. This is the idea at the heart of the American dream. Opportunity, meritocracy, the self-made person, hard work. The notion that hard work always pays off. And above all, the idea that we're captains of our own destiny. These ideas, they connect our wealth, our status and our image with our innate, personal value.
Men det er ren fiktion. For selv med lige muligheder, skjuler idéen om at være sin egen lykkes smed en mørkere virkelighed for unge mennesker, at deres værdi konstant vurderes. Konkrete resultater og placeringer er blevet målestokken for evner og bruges til at placere unge mennesker i den rette skole, klasse eller gymnasie.
But it is, of course, complete fiction. Because even if there were equality of opportunity, the idea that we are captains of our own destiny disguises a much darker reality for young people that they are subject to an almost ongoing economic tribunal. Metrics, rankings, lead tables have emerged as the yardsticks for which merit can be quantified and used to sort young people into schools, classes and colleges.
Uddannelse er det første område hvor dette udspiller sig åbenlyst og test bruges som værktøj til at forbedre niveauet. Og det starter tidligt. Børn i de amerikanske skoler skal igennem 112 obligatoriske prøver fra børnehaveklassen til 3.G Det er klart at de unge stræber efter at blive til noget i vores moderne tid. De definerer sig selv ved hjælp af begrænsende termer som karakterer og gennemsnit
Education is the first arena where measurement is so publicly played out and where metrics are being used as a tool to improve standards and performance. And it starts young. Young people in America's big city high schools take some 112 mandatory standardized tests between prekindergarten and the end of 12th grade. No wonder young people report a strong need to strive, perform and achieve at the center of modern life. They've been conditioned to define themselves in the strict and narrow terms of grades, percentiles and lead tables.
Vores samfund udstiller deres usikkerheder. Usikkerhed om deres præstation og andres vurdering af dem. Samfundet forstærker deres uperfektheder. Hver en fejl og uforudset tilbageslag presser dem til at være endnu mere perfekte, for ellers er man en fiasko. Følelsen af at fejle og ikke slå til er udbredt. Bare spørg de unge. "Hvordan skal jeg se ud og opføre mig?" "Jeg skal ligne den model, jeg skal have flere følgere end den influencer på Instagram, jeg må være bedre i skolen"
This is a society that preys on their insecurities. Insecurities about how they are performing and how they are appearing to other people. This is a society that amplifies their imperfections. Every flaw, every unforeseen setback increases a need to perform more perfectly next time, or else, bluntly, you're a failure. That feeling of being flawed and deficient is especially pervasive -- just talk to young people. "How should I look, how should I behave?" "I should look like that model, I should have as many followers as that Instagram influencer, I must do better in school."
Som mentor for mange unge, ser jeg konsekvensen af perfektionisme. Lad mig fortælle jer om en studerende John (opdigtet navn) var ambitiøs, hårdtarbejdende og flittig og udadtil usædvanligt højtydende, ofte fik han de højeste karakterer for sine afleveringer. Men uanset hvad John præsterede, så han sine successer som ynkelige fiaskoer, og på vores møder, talte han åbent om hvordan han skuffede sig selv og andre. Hans logik var enkel: Hvordan kunne han være en succes, når han knoklede meget hårdere end andre bare for at opnå de samme resultater?
In my role as mentor to many young people, I see these lived effects of perfectionism firsthand. And one student sticks out in my mind very vividly. John, not his real name, was ambitious, hardworking and diligent and on the surface, he was exceptionally high-achieving, often getting first-class grades for his work. Yet, no matter how well John achieved, he always seemed to recast his successes as abject failures, and in meetings with me, he would talk openly about how he'd let himself and others down. John's justification was quite simple: How could he be a success when he was trying so much harder than other people just to attain the same outcomes?
Johns perfektionisme og høje arbejdsmoral afslørede hans indre svaghed overfor ham selv og andre. Johns eksempel viser bagsiden ved perfektion som livsstil. Modsat hvad mange tror, handler perfektionisme ikke om at perfektionere ting eller handlinger. Det er ikke at opnå ekspertise. Det viser Johns eksempel tydeligt. Grundlæggende handler perfektionisme om at perfektionere selvet. Mere præcist, perfektionere det uperfekte selv.
See, John's perfectionism, his unrelenting work ethic, was only serving to expose what he saw as his inner weakness to himself and to others. Cases like John's speak to the harmfulness of perfectionism as a way of being in the world. Contrary to popular belief, perfectionism is never about perfecting things or perfecting tasks. It's not about striving for excellence. John's case highlights this vividly. At its root, perfectionism is about perfecting the self. Or, more precisely, perfecting an imperfect self.
Det er som et bjerg af præstationer, som perfektionisme får os til at bestige. Og vi tænker, "Når jeg når toppen, vil folk se min værdi og ikke mine fejl." Men hvad vi ikke ser, er at når vi har nået toppen, ender vi tilbage i usikkerhedens og skammens lavland, til et nyt forsøg på at nå toppen. En selvdestruktiv cyklus. I jagten på uopnåelig perfektion, kan perfektionisten ikke bare stå af. Det gør det vanskeligt at behandle.
And you can think about it like a mountain of achievement that perfectionism leads us to imagine ourselves scaling. And we think to ourselves, "Once I've reached that summit, then people will see I'm not flawed, and I'll be worth something." But what perfectionism doesn't tell us is that soon after reaching that summit, we will be called down again to the fresh lowlands of insecurity and shame, just to try and scale that peak again. This is the cycle of self-defeat. In the pursuit of unattainable perfection, a perfectionist just cannot step off. And it's why it's so difficult to treat.
Vi har vidst i årtier at perfektionisme bidrager til et væld af psykologiske problemer, men aldrig fundet en god måde at påvise det. Først sidst i 1980'erne, da canadierne Paul Hewitt og Gordon Flett, udviklede en måde at måle perfektionisme gennem selv-rapportering. Nemlig, det kan måles, og indfanger tre kerneelementer af perfektionisme. Den første er selv-centreret perfektionisme, det irrationelle ønske om at være perfekt: "Jeg vil være så perfekt jeg kan." Den anden er socialt påtvunget perfektion, oplevelsen af at det sociale miljø kræver for meget: "Andre forlanger for meget af mig" Den tredje er udadrettet perfektionisme, at påtvinge andre urealistiske standarder: "Hvis jeg beder nogen gøre noget, så forventer jeg det gjort perfekt."
Now, we've known for decades and decades that perfectionism contributes to a host of psychological problems, but there was never a good way to measure it. That was until the late 1980s when two Canadians, Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett, came along and developed a self-report measure of perfectionism. So that's right, folks, you can measure this, and it essentially captures three core elements of perfectionism. The first is self-oriented perfectionism, the irrational desire to be perfect: "I strive to be as perfect as I can be." The second is socially prescribed perfectionism, the sense that the social environment is excessively demanding: "I feel that others are too demanding of me." And the third is other-oriented perfectionism, the imposition of unrealistic standards on other people: "If I ask somebody to do something, I expect it to be done perfectly."
Undersøgelser viser en sammenhæng mellem alle tre elementer og udfordringer i den mentale sundhed, såsom depression, angst og selvmordstanker. Det mest problematiske element er socialt påtvunget perfektion. Følelsen af at alle forventer jeg er perfekt. Dette element hænger tydeligt sammen med alvorlig psykisk sygdom. Og med nutidens fokus på perfektion i frisk erindring, var jeg nysgerrig på om disse elementer ændrede sig.
Now, research shows that all three elements of perfectionism associate with compromised mental health, including things like heightened depression, heightened anxiety and suicide ideation. But, by far, the most problematic element of perfectionism is socially prescribed perfectionism. That sense that everyone expects me to be perfect. This element of perfectionism has a large correlation with serious mental illness. And with today's emphasis on perfection at the forefront of my mind, I was curious to see whether these elements of perfectionism were changing.
Indtil nu har forskningen fokuseret på de nære familierelationer, men vi ønskede at kigge bredere. Så vi tog alle data, der var indsamlet i de 27 år siden Paul og Gordon udviklede perfektionsmålingen, og isolerede data om universitetsstuderende. Mere end 40.000 unge fra universiteter i USA, Canada og England og vi ledte efter tendenser i de mange data. Det tog os over tre år at samle al information, knuse tallene og skrive vores rapport. Vores analyse afdækkede noget opsigtsvækkende. Alle tre elementer af perfektionisme er forøget med tiden. Men socialt påtvunget perfektion var klart steget mest.
To date, research in this area is focused on immediate family relations, but we wanted to look at it at a broader level. So we took all of the data that had ever been collected in the 27 years since Paul and Gordon developed that perfectionism measure, and we isolated the data in college students. This turned out to be more than 40,000 young people from American, Canadian and British colleges, and with so much data available, we looked to see if there was a trend. And in all, it took us more than three years to collate all of this information, crunch the numbers, and write our report. But it was worth it because our analysis uncovered something alarming. All three elements of perfectionism have increased over time. But socially prescribed perfectionism saw the largest increase, and by far.
I 1989 rapporterede blot 9% af de unge klinisk relevante niveauer af socialt påtvunget perfektionisme. Sådanne niveauer er typiske i kliniske grupper. I 2017 var tallet fordoblet til 18%. Og i 2050 forudser vores modeller at næsten en ud af tre unge vil rapportere klinisk relevante niveauer af socialt påtvunget perfektion. Husk på at dette element har den største sammenhæng med alvorlig psykisk sygdom og med god grund.
In 1989, just nine percent of young people report clinically relevant levels of socially prescribed perfectionism. Those are levels that we might typically see in clinical populations. By 2017, that figure had doubled to 18 percent. And by 2050, projections based on the models that we tested indicate that almost one in three young people will report clinically relevant levels of socially prescribed perfectionism. Remember, this is the element of perfectionism that has the largest correlation with serious mental illness, and that's for good reason.
Perfektionister af den type føler konstant behov for at møde andres forventninger. Og selv hvis de lever op til andres forventninger, så hæver de niveauet næste gang, for disse mennesker tror at jo bedre de klarer sig, jo højere er forventningerne til dem. Det afføder hjælpeløshed og værre, håbløshed.
Socially prescribed perfectionists feel a unrelenting need to meet the expectations of other people. And even if they do meet yesterday's expectation of perfection, they then raise the bar on themselves to an even higher degree because these folks believe that the better they do, the better that they're expected to do. This breeds a profound sense of helplessness and, worse, hopelessness.
Er der håb? Selvfølgelig er der håb Perfektionister skal holde fast i visse egenskaber, de er ofte kloge, ambitiøse og hårdtarbejdende. Behandlingen er kompleks. Men lidt medfølelse med sig selv, når ting ikke går som forventet, kan forandre disse egenskaber til større personlig ro og succes. Og deres omsorgspersoner kan også bidrage.
But is there hope? Of course there's hope. Perfectionists can and should hold on to certain things -- they are typically bright, ambitious, conscientious and hardworking. And yes, treatment is complex. But a little bit of self-compassion, going easy on ourselves when things don't go well, can turn those qualities into greater personal peace and success. And then there's what we can do as caregivers.
Perfektionisme udvikles, mens vi er børn, og derfor er unge mere udsatte. Forældre kan hjælpe deres børn ved betingelsesløst at støtte dem, når de prøvede, men fejlede. Og forældre må modstå fristelsen til konstant at blande sig, for det afføder angst når forældre opfatter barnets successer og fiaskoer som deres egne.
Perfectionism develops in our formative years, and so young people are more vulnerable. Parents can help their children by supporting them unconditionally when they've tried but failed. And Mom and Dad can resist their understandable urge in today's highly competitive society to helicopter-parent, as a lot of anxiety is communicated when parents take on their kids' successes and failures as their own.
Vores forskning rejser vigtige spørgsmål om vores samfundsstruktur og om dets fokus på konkurrence, vurderinger og tests gavner de unge. Man hører ofte i pressen at unge blot skal være mere robuste, når de møder dette nye forventningspres. Jeg mener derimod at vi undlader at tage ansvar for problemets kerne, for vi deler alle ansvaret for at skabe en kultur hvor unge kan være mindre perfekte som udgangspunkt.
But ultimately, our research raises important questions about how we are structuring society and whether our society's heavy emphasis on competition, evaluation and testing is benefiting young people. It's become commonplace for public figures to say that young people just need a little bit more resilience in the face of these new and unprecedented pressures. But I believe that is us washing our hands of the core issue because we have a shared responsibility to create a society and a culture in which young people need less perfection in the first place.
Det bliver ikke nemt. Det er en stor udfordring at skabe sådan en verden, og for en generation af unge der hele tiden er i kontakt med karakterer og sociale medier, er perfektionisme uundgåelig, så længe de ikke har større formål i livet end deres fremtoning og hvordan de klarer sig i forhold til andre.
Let's not kid ourselves. Creating that kind of world is an enormous challenge, and for a generation of young people that live their lives in the 24/7 spotlight of metrics, lead tables and social media, perfectionism is inevitable, so long as they lack any purpose in life greater than how they are appearing or how they are performing to other people.
Hvad kan de gøre? Hver gang de skubbes ned fra toppen af bjerget ser de ingen anden udvej end at bestige bjerget igen. De gamle grækere vidste at denne endeløse kamp mod bjerget ikke fører til lykke. Deres billede af Helvede var manden Sisyfos dømt til for evigt at skubbe den samme sten op ad en bakke blot for at se den rulle ned igen så han måtte starte forfra. Så længe vi lærer de unge at det mest ægte eller meningsfulde i deres liv er en håbløs jagt på perfektion, vil fremtidige generationer ende i den samme fortvivlende situation.
What can they do about it? Every time they are knocked down from that mountaintop, they see no other option but to try scaling that peak again. The ancient Greeks knew that this endless struggle up and down the same mountain is not the road to happiness. Their image of hell was a man called Sisyphus, doomed for eternity to keep rolling the same boulder up a hill, only to see it roll back down and have to start again. So long as we teach young people that there is nothing more real or meaningful in their lives than this hopeless quest for perfection, then we are going to condemn future generations to that same futility and despair.
Så spørgsmålet er Hvornår indser vi at der er noget grundlæggende umenneskeligt ved grænseløs perfektion Ingen er fejlfri. Hvis vi vil hjælpe de unge ud af perfektionismens kløer, så skal vi lære dem, at i en kaotisk verden, vil livet ofte overmande os, men det er OK Fiasko er ikke svaghed. Hvis vi vil hjælpe de unge ud af denne selvødelæggende fælde af umulig perfektion, så skal hele samfundet stoppe med at nære den samme illusion.
And so we're left with a question. When are we going to appreciate that there is something fundamentally inhuman about limitless perfection? No one is flawless. If we want to help our young people escape the trap of perfectionism, then we will teach them that in a chaotic world, life will often defeat us, but that's OK. Failure is not weakness. If we want to help our young people outgrow this self-defeating snare of impossible perfection, then we will raise them in a society that has outgrown that very same delusion.
Men vigtigst af alt, hvis vi ønsker vores unge skal være følelsesmæssigt og psykologisk sunde så skal vi vise dem glæden og skønheden ved det uperfekte som en naturlig del af hverdagen.
But most of all, if we want our young people to enjoy mental, emotional and psychological health, then we will invite them to celebrate the joys and the beauties of imperfection as a normal and natural part of everyday living and loving.
Mange tak
Thank you very much.
(Bifald)
(Applause)