Embracing otherness. When I first heard this theme, I thought, well, embracing otherness is embracing myself. And the journey to that place of understanding and acceptance has been an interesting one for me, and it's given me an insight into the whole notion of self, which I think is worth sharing with you today.
Prihvaćanje drugosti. Kada sam prvi puta čula za ovu temu, pomislila sam, pa, prihvaćanje drugosti prihvaćanje je sebe. Putovanje do tog mjesta razumijevanja i prihvaćanja bilo je zanimljivo te mi je ujedno dalo uvid u značenje pojma jastva (svijesti o sebi) koje smatram vrijednim podijeliti danas s vama.
We each have a self, but I don't think that we're born with one. You know how newborn babies believe they're part of everything; they're not separate? Well that fundamental sense of oneness is lost on us very quickly. It's like that initial stage is over -- oneness: infancy, unformed, primitive. It's no longer valid or real. What is real is separateness, and at some point in early babyhood, the idea of self starts to form. Our little portion of oneness is given a name, is told all kinds of things about itself, and these details, opinions and ideas become facts, which go towards building ourselves, our identity. And that self becomes the vehicle for navigating our social world. But the self is a projection based on other people's projections. Is it who we really are? Or who we really want to be, or should be?
Svatko od nas ima jastvo, ali ne mislim da smo rođeni s njime. Znate kako novorođenčad vjeruje kako su dio svega; nisu odvojeni. Upravo taj osnovni osjećaj jednosti brzo izgubimo. Kao da je taj početni stupanj razvoja gotov -- jednost: rano djetinjstvo, nerazvijeno, primitivno. Više nije valjano ili stvarno. Ono što postane stvarno jest odvojenost. Negdje tijekom ranog djetinjstva, ideja jastva počinje se stvarati. Naš mali dio jednosti dobije ime, i razne mu stvari bivaju rečene o njemu samome. Ti detalji, mišljenja i ideje postanu činjenice, koje zatim počinju stvarati jastvo, naš identitet. Takvo jastvo postane sredstvo kretanja društvenim svijetom. Međutim, jastvo je prikaz koji se temelji na projekcijama drugih ljudi. Jesmo li to stvarno mi? Ili ono što zapravo želimo biti ili bismo trebali biti?
So this whole interaction with self and identity was a very difficult one for me growing up. The self that I attempted to take out into the world was rejected over and over again. And my panic at not having a self that fit, and the confusion that came from my self being rejected, created anxiety, shame and hopelessness, which kind of defined me for a long time. But in retrospect, the destruction of my self was so repetitive that I started to see a pattern. The self changed, got affected, broken, destroyed, but another one would evolve -- sometimes stronger, sometimes hateful, sometimes not wanting to be there at all. The self was not constant. And how many times would my self have to die before I realized that it was never alive in the first place?
Cijela ta interakcija jastva i identiteta bila mi je vrlo teška dok sam odrastala. Jastvo koje sam pokušala pokazati svijetu neprestano je bilo odbacivano. A moja panika i nedostatak zadovoljavajućeg jastva te zbrka koja je nastala odbijanjem moga jastva, stvorili su tjeskobu, sram i beznađe, koji se me dugo obilježavali. Gledajući unatrag, to uništavanje mog jastva je bilo toliko učestalo da sam počela primjećivati šablonu. Jastvo se promijenilo postalo je povrijeđeno, slomljeno, uništeno, ali razvilo bi se drugo -- ponekad jače, ponekad puno mržnje, ponekad uopće nije željelo biti prisutno. Jastvo nije bilo nepromijenjivo. Koliko će puta moje jastvo morati umrijeti prije nego što shvatim da zapravo nije ni bilo živo?
I grew up on the coast of England in the '70s. My dad is white from Cornwall, and my mom is black from Zimbabwe. Even the idea of us as a family was challenging to most people. But nature had its wicked way, and brown babies were born. But from about the age of five, I was aware that I didn't fit. I was the black atheist kid in the all-white Catholic school run by nuns. I was an anomaly, and my self was rooting around for definition and trying to plug in. Because the self likes to fit, to see itself replicated, to belong. That confirms its existence and its importance. And it is important. It has an extremely important function. Without it, we literally can't interface with others. We can't hatch plans and climb that stairway of popularity, of success. But my skin color wasn't right. My hair wasn't right. My history wasn't right. My self became defined by otherness, which meant that, in that social world, I didn't really exist. And I was "other" before being anything else -- even before being a girl. I was a noticeable nobody.
Odrasla sam 70-ih godina na engleskoj obali. Moj otac je bijelac iz Cornwalla, a moja majka crnkinja iz Zimbabvea. Sama pomisao nas kao obitelji većini je ljudi bila sporna. No, priroda zna biti zlobna pa su se rodila smeđa djeca. Od pete sam godine postala svjesna da se ne uklapam. Bila sam crno ateističko dijete u katoličkoj školi za bijelce koju su vodile časne sestre. Predstavljala sam anomaliju. Moje se jastvo pokušavalo uloviti za neko određenje i pokušalo se priključiti sredini. Jastvo se voli uklopiti, voli vidjeti kopije sebe, voli pripadati. Time potvrđuje svoje postojanje i svoju važnost. I ono jest važno. Ima iznimno važnu ulogu. Bez njega mi doslovno ne možemo komunicirati s drugima. Ne možemo kovati planove niti se možemo uzdići na ljestvici popularnosti, ili uspjeha. No, boja moje kože bila odgovarajuća. Moja kosa nije bila odgovarajuća. Moja povijest nije bila odgovarajuća. Moje je jastvo postalo određeno drugošću, što je značilo, u tom društvenom svijetu, da zapravo nisam postojala. Bila sam drugo prije svega ostalog -- čak i prije nego što sam bila djevojčica. Bila sam vidljiv nitko i ništa.
Another world was opening up around this time: performance and dancing. That nagging dread of self-hood didn't exist when I was dancing. I'd literally lose myself. And I was a really good dancer. I would put all my emotional expression into my dancing. I could be in the movement in a way that I wasn't able to be in my real life, in myself.
Jedan drugi svijet se otvarao oko mene u to vrijeme: svijet plesa i glume. Izjedajuća groza sebstva nije postojala kada bih plesala. Doslovno bih izgubila sebe. Bila sam stvarno dobra plesačica. Sav bih svoj emocionalni izražaj pretočila u ples. U pokretu bih bila ono što nisam mogla biti u stvarnom životu, kakva sama nisam mogla biti.
And at 16, I stumbled across another opportunity, and I earned my first acting role in a film. I can hardly find the words to describe the peace I felt when I was acting. My dysfunctional self could actually plug in to another self, not my own, and it felt so good. It was the first time that I existed inside a fully-functioning self -- one that I controlled, that I steered, that I gave life to. But the shooting day would end, and I'd return to my gnarly, awkward self.
Sa 16 godina otvorila mi se još jedna mogućnost i dobila sam prvu ulogu u filmu. Jedva da riječima mogu izraziti mir koji sam osjećala kada sam glumila. Moje se disfunkcionalno jastvo moglo "uključiti" u drugo jastvo, ono koje nije bilo moje. Osjećaj je bio tako dobar. Bilo je to prvi puta da sam postojala unutar posve zaokruženog jastva -- jastva kojim sam vladala, upravljala, i kojem sam udahnula život. Međutim, snimanje bi se približilo kraju i ja bih se vratila svom mrskom i neugodnom jastvu.
By 19, I was a fully-fledged movie actor, but still searching for definition. I applied to read anthropology at university. Dr. Phyllis Lee gave me my interview, and she asked me, "How would you define race?" Well, I thought I had the answer to that one, and I said, "Skin color." "So biology, genetics?" she said. "Because, Thandie, that's not accurate. Because there's actually more genetic difference between a black Kenyan and a black Ugandan than there is between a black Kenyan and, say, a white Norwegian. Because we all stem from Africa. So in Africa, there's been more time to create genetic diversity." In other words, race has no basis in biological or scientific fact. On the one hand, result. Right? On the other hand, my definition of self just lost a huge chunk of its credibility. But what was credible, what is biological and scientific fact, is that we all stem from Africa -- in fact, from a woman called Mitochondrial Eve who lived 160,000 years ago. And race is an illegitimate concept which our selves have created based on fear and ignorance.
S 19 godina postala sam profesionalna glumica, ali još uvijek u potrazi za svojim određenjem. Prijavila sam se na sveučilišni studij antropologije. Intervjuirala me dr. Phyllis Lee i pitala me "Kako biste definirali pojam rase?" Mislila sam kako znam odgovor na to pitanje. Rekla sam, "Bojom kože." "Znači biologijom, genetikom?", pitala je. "Znate, Thandie, to nije točno. Zapravo je više genetičke različitosti između crnog Kenijca i crnog Uganđanina nego, recimo, između crnog Kenijca i bijelog Norvežanina. To je zbog toga što svi potječemo iz Afrike. U Africi je bilo više vremena za stvaranje genetičke različitosti." Drugim riječima, rasa nema temelja na biološkim i znanstvenim činjenicama. S jedne strane - uspjeh. Zar ne? S druge strane, moja je definicija jastva izgubila veliki dio svoje vjerodostojnosti. Ono što jest vjerodostojno, upravo je biološka i znanstvena činjenica da svi potječemo iz Afrike -- točnije, od žene koja se zove mitohondrijska Eva i koja je živjela prije 160 000 godina. Rasa je pogrešan koncept koji su izmislila naša jastva na temelju straha i neznanja.
Strangely, these revelations didn't cure my low self-esteem, that feeling of otherness. My desire to disappear was still very powerful. I had a degree from Cambridge; I had a thriving career, but my self was a car crash, and I wound up with bulimia and on a therapist's couch. And of course I did. I still believed my self was all I was. I still valued self-worth above all other worth, and what was there to suggest otherwise? We've created entire value systems and a physical reality to support the worth of self. Look at the industry for self-image and the jobs it creates, the revenue it turns over. We'd be right in assuming that the self is an actual living thing. But it's not. It's a projection which our clever brains create in order to cheat ourselves from the reality of death.
Začudo, ova me saznanja nisu izliječila od niskog samopouzdanja, tog osjećaja drugosti. Moja želja da nestanem još uvijek je bila jaka. Imala sam diplomu s Cambridgea, uspješnu karijeru, ali moje je jastvo bilo u rasulu te sam završila s bulimijom i na kauču kod psihoterapeuta. Naravno da jesam. Još sam uvijek vjerovala kako moje jastvo predstavlja sve što jesam. Još uvijek sam cijenila vlastitost više od bilo kojeg drugog poštovanja. Zar je postojalo nešto što bi mi pokazalo suprotno? Stvorili smo cijele sustave vrijednosti i fizičku stvarnost kako bismo potpomogli vrijednost jastva. Pogledajte samo industriju samopoimanja, poslove koje stvara i prihod koji stvara. Bili bismo u pravu kada bismo pretpostavili kako je jastvo stvarno živo biće. No, ono to nije; ono je projekcija, koju su stvorili naši pametni umovi kako bi zavarali sami sebe od stvarnosti smrti.
But there is something that can give the self ultimate and infinite connection -- and that thing is oneness, our essence. The self's struggle for authenticity and definition will never end unless it's connected to its creator -- to you and to me. And that can happen with awareness -- awareness of the reality of oneness and the projection of self-hood. For a start, we can think about all the times when we do lose ourselves. It happens when I dance, when I'm acting. I'm earthed in my essence, and my self is suspended. In those moments, I'm connected to everything -- the ground, the air, the sounds, the energy from the audience. All my senses are alert and alive in much the same way as an infant might feel -- that feeling of oneness.
Postoji nešto što jastvu može dati krajnju i beskonačnu poveznicu -- a to je jednost, naša bit. Borba jastva za jedinstvenošću i određenjem nikada neće završiti ako se ne poveže sa svojim tvorcem -- s vama i sa mnom. To će se dogoditi povezivanjem sa sviješću -- sviješću o realnosti jednosti i projekcijom sebstva. Za početak, trebamo se prisjetiti svih trenutaka kada smo izgubili sebe. Meni se to događa kada plešem, kada glumim. Tada se sjedinim sa svojom biti, a moje jastvo biva zatomljeno. U tim sam trenucima povezana sa svime -- zemljom, zrakom, zvukovima i energijom publike. Sva su moja osjetila budna i živa upravo onako kako bi to osjećalo malo dijete -- taj osjećaj jednosti.
And when I'm acting a role, I inhabit another self, and I give it life for awhile, because when the self is suspended so is divisiveness and judgment. And I've played everything from a vengeful ghost in the time of slavery to Secretary of State in 2004. And no matter how other these selves might be, they're all related in me. And I honestly believe the key to my success as an actor and my progress as a person has been the very lack of self that used to make me feel so anxious and insecure. I always wondered why I could feel others' pain so deeply, why I could recognize the somebody in the nobody. It's because I didn't have a self to get in the way. I thought I lacked substance, and the fact that I could feel others' meant that I had nothing of myself to feel. The thing that was a source of shame was actually a source of enlightenment.
A kada glumim ispunjavam drugo jastvo i njemu, na kratko vrijeme, udahnjujem život. Kada je jastvo zatomljeno zatomljen je i razdor i osuđivanje. Glumila sam svašta od osvetničkog duha iz vremena ropstva do državne tajnice 2004. godine. Bez obzira koliko su drugačija bila ta jastva, sva su bila povezana u meni. Iskreno vjerujem da je ključ mog glumačkog uspjeha i mojeg razvoja kao osobe ležao u nedostatku jastva zbog kojeg sam se osjećala tjeskobno i nesigurno. Uvijek sam se pitala zašto tako intenzivno mogu osjetiti tuđu bol, zašto mogu prepoznati ono posebno u nekom nevažnom. Zbog toga što nisam imala svoje jastvo koje bi mi u tome smetalo. Mislila sam kako mi nedostaje suštine, a to što sam mogla osjetiti tuđu značilo je da nemam ništa svojega za osjetiti. Ono što je bilo izvor srama zapravo je bilo izvor prosvjetljenja.
And when I realized and really understood that my self is a projection and that it has a function, a funny thing happened. I stopped giving it so much authority. I give it its due. I take it to therapy. I've become very familiar with its dysfunctional behavior. But I'm not ashamed of my self. In fact, I respect my self and its function. And over time and with practice, I've tried to live more and more from my essence. And if you can do that, incredible things happen.
Kada sam shvatila i zapravo razumijela kako je moje jastvo projekcija te da ima svrhu, dogodilo se nešto čudno. Nisam mu više pridavala toliku važnost. Dala sam mu što mu pripada. Odvela sam ga na terapiju. Dobro sam se upoznala s njegovim disfunkcionalnim ponašanjem. Ali ne sramim se svojeg jastva. Zapravo, poštujem svoje jastvo i njegovu svrhu. S vremenom i vježbom, pokušala sam sve više živjeti iz svoje suštine. Ako to možete, nevjerojatne se stvari dogode.
I was in Congo in February, dancing and celebrating with women who've survived the destruction of their selves in literally unthinkable ways -- destroyed because other brutalized, psychopathic selves all over that beautiful land are fueling our selves' addiction to iPods, Pads, and bling, which further disconnect ourselves from ever feeling their pain, their suffering, their death. Because, hey, if we're all living in ourselves and mistaking it for life, then we're devaluing and desensitizing life. And in that disconnected state, yeah, we can build factory farms with no windows, destroy marine life and use rape as a weapon of war. So here's a note to self: The cracks have started to show in our constructed world, and oceans will continue to surge through the cracks, and oil and blood, rivers of it.
U veljači sam bila u Kongu, plesala sam i slavila sa ženama koje su preživjele uništenje svojih jastava na doslovno nezamislive načine -- uništena su jer druga surova i psihopatska jastva, po toj cijeloj prekrasnoj zemlji, pune naša jastva ovisnošću o iPodima, iPadima i skupim nakitom, čime dodatno odvajaju našu svijest od njihova osjećaja boli, patnje i smrti. Jer ako svi živimo u svom jastvu i pogrešno ga smatramo životom, umanjujemo vrijednost života i provodimo desenzibilizaciju života. U takvom odvojenom stanju možemo graditi nehumane farme bez prozora, uništavati podvodni svijet i koristiti silovanje kao ratno oružje. Evo opaske jastvu: pukotine su se počele pojavljivati u našem izgrađenom svijetu, oceani će se nastaviti izlijevati kroz pukotine, ali i nafta i krv, i teći će potocima.
Crucially, we haven't been figuring out how to live in oneness with the Earth and every other living thing. We've just been insanely trying to figure out how to live with each other -- billions of each other. Only we're not living with each other; our crazy selves are living with each other and perpetuating an epidemic of disconnection.
Bitno je sljedeće, nismo pokušavali odgonetnuti kako živjeti u jednosti sa Zemljom i drugim živim bićima. Već smo luđački pokušavali odgonetnuti kako živjeti jedni s drugima -- milijardama drugih. Samo što mi ne živimo jedni s drugima, već naša luda jastva žive jedna s drugima i nastavljaju epidemiju odvajanja.
Let's live with each other and take it a breath at a time. If we can get under that heavy self, light a torch of awareness, and find our essence, our connection to the infinite and every other living thing. We knew it from the day we were born. Let's not be freaked out by our bountiful nothingness. It's more a reality than the ones our selves have created. Imagine what kind of existence we can have if we honor inevitable death of self, appreciate the privilege of life and marvel at what comes next. Simple awareness is where it begins.
Pokušajmo živjeti jedni s drugima i radimo to korak po korak. Trebamo doći ispod tog teškog jastva, zapaliti baklju svijesti i pronaći svoju suštinu, našu poveznicu s beskonačnošću i svim drugim živim bićima. Znamo to od dana kad smo se rodili. Neka nas ne preplaši naše golemo ništavilo. Ono je veća stvarnost od one koju su stvorila naša jastva. Zamislite kakvo bismo mogli imati postojanje kada bismo cijenili neizbježnu smrt jastva, cijenili privilegij života i divili se onome što slijedi. To počinje s osnovnom sviješću.
Thank you for listening.
Hvala vam na pozornosti.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)