Rejection hurts. It’s incredibly painful to feel like you’re not wanted— and we do mean painful. fMRI studies have found that rejection elicits brain activity in multiple neural regions that process physical pain. And the language we use to describe rejection mirrors this experience. Researchers recorded over a dozen languages that relate rejection to being hurt, using terms like “crushed” or “broken-hearted.” So why does rejection trigger such a strong response, and is there any way to cope with this unique kind of pain?
拒絕很傷人。 不被需要的感覺極其痛苦- 真正的痛苦。 功能性磁振造影研究發現 被拒絕會誘發多個處理生理疼痛的 腦部神經區反應。 而用來形容拒絕的語言 也反映出這種體驗。 研究人員記錄超過十多種語言, 在敍述拒絕的傷害時, 使用「崩潰」或「心碎」 等詞彙來形容。 為甚麼被拒絕會引發如此強烈的感受, 有任何方法可以應對 這樣獨特的痛苦嗎?
Psychologists often describe rejection as what happens when we perceive that others don’t value having social connections with us. This could occur when we’re abandoned by a romantic partner, excluded from a group, or outright discriminated against. But it’s worth noting that these interpersonal rejections have a social element that distinguishes them from not getting a job. In these experiences, we perceive that the rejecting party undervalues our relationship. And while the pain of rejection often increases the more we value a relationship, even rejections by relative strangers can hurt our feelings.
心理學家經常描述拒絕是 當我們與他人的社會連結 不被重視時的感受。 這樣的情況發生在 我們被情人拋棄、 被一群人排擠、或被公然歧視的時候。 值得注意的是這些 在人際上被拒絕的經驗 有個社交的要素, 和求職被拒的情況不同。 在這些經驗中, 我們察覺拒絕的對方 不重視與我們的關係。 雖然被拒絕的痛苦常隨著我們 對該關係的重視程度而增加, 被陌生人拒絕 卻也可能令我們感到受傷。
This might seem like an overreaction, but just as bodily pain warns us about perceived threats to our physical well-being, hurt feelings warn us about perceived threats to our social well-being. Some behavioral psychologists argue this warning system developed when our prehistoric ancestors lived in small clans and depended on everyone they knew for survival. These humans may have evolved to perceive rejection from anyone as a potential threat to their safety. It’s impossible to confirm this kind of evolutionary theory, but wherever this warning system came from, it doesn't include instructions for how to process this intense emotional experience. So, the next time you’re feeling rejected, try asking yourself these questions.
這看似過度反應, 但如同生理上的疼痛提醒我們 對生理健康已知的威脅, 傷心的感受也在警告我們 注意健全社交上的威脅。 一些行為心理學家主張 這種警示機制的發展是因為 我們的史前祖先生活在小族群中, 依靠著他們認識的所有人生存。 這些人類可能已經演化成 將所有人的拒絕 都視為對安全的潛在威脅。 這種進化理論幾乎不可能證實, 但不管這種警示機制是如何形成的, 它並沒有提供任何指令, 指導我們如何消化這強烈的情緒。 不過,你下次被拒絕時, 可以試問自己以下的問題。
The first thing to consider is your relationship with the person rejecting you. Is this someone who knows you well and whose opinion you hold dear? Or is it just a loose acquaintance? If it’s the latter, that might help you answer the second question: does this rejection really matter? It can sting when a stranger doesn't laugh at your joke, but it doesn’t make sense to react strongly to a rejection with little impact on your life.
第一個問題是考量 拒絕你的人和你的關係。 對方是否非常了解你, 而你也很看重他的想法? 還是你們其實不怎麼熟? 如果是後者,這也許 有助你回答第二個問題: 被這個人拒絕很嚴重嗎? 當有個陌生人認為你的笑話不好笑, 你確實會感到不舒服, 但對於這件事過度反應就不合理, 畢竟這對你人生幾乎沒影響。
Of course, brushing off even a minor rejection is easier said than done, since how you perceive yourself also factors into this equation. You likely feel more confident in some circumstances than others, and people tend to be especially sensitive to rejection in situations where they have a low opinion of themselves. So much so, that they even become more likely to misinterpret other people’s neutral reactions as rejections. This is why it can be helpful to both reflect on your self-view and ask yourself if the other person is actually rejecting you. This might seem like an odd question. But you may find that while the other person didn’t treat you as you would have liked, they still value your relationship. In some cases, it's also helpful to consider whether you were expecting more acceptance than was reasonable.
當然,即使要漠視個小拒絕, 說得容易,做到很難, 因為如何看待自我也是重要的因素。 在某些情況下,你可能比他人更有自信, 而通常缺乏自我肯定的人 會對被拒絕的情況更加敏感。 甚至可能因此 將他人中性的反應誤認為是拒絕。 這就是為甚麼反思自我評價、 同時自問他人是否真的拒絕 是有助於改善情況的。 這個問題聽來可能有點奇怪。 但你也許會發現,就算對方不是 如你所希望的那般對待你, 他還是重視你們的關係。 在某些情況下,你也可以想想, 對於他人的認可, 你是否懷抱著過高的期望。
Unfortunately, after asking these questions, you might still conclude that a person close to you doesn’t value your relationship as much as you do. This is a painful realization, but it can help to remember two things. First, this rejection isn't just about you. The other party wants something different from your relationship, and what they want might be unreasonable, unfair, or simply not what you have to give. Second, their rejection isn’t proof that there’s something wrong with you. The pain you’re feeling is just part of a system nudging you to think about your interpersonal relationships. And by reflecting on your behavior, you can find clues to help better understand the rejection and think critically about the relationship you want to have with this person.
遺憾的是,當你思考完這些問題, 你也許還是會斷定,親近的人 並不像你重視他般地重視你。 這是很痛的領悟, 但可以幫助你記住兩件事。 第一,這次拒絕並不唯獨是因為你。 對方可能想從這段關係 獲得不同的事物, 而他的需求也許並不合理,不公平, 或者純粹不是你能給予的。 第二,他人的拒絕並非代表你不好。 你所感受到的痛苦 只是自我機制的一部分, 促使你去思考你的人際關係。 而通過自我反思, 你會發現一些線索, 幫助你更了解拒絕這件事, 也能使你更加客觀的評判 你們的這段關係。
Every relationship and rejection is unique. But whatever the specifics, it’s important to remember that you’re never alone in all of this. Everyone deals with rejection throughout their life— even those who seem confident in their belonging. And one of the most common ways to cope with this universal experience is to reconnect with those who already accept you.
每一段關係和每一次拒絕都是獨特的。 不管具體發生甚麼, 重要的是要記得,你絕對不是孤單的。 人生中,每個人 都會碰到被拒絕的情況- 即使是那些看似充滿自信的人。 應對這個共同的經驗, 最常見的方法之一便是 與認可你的人建立更緊密的連結。