Rejection hurts. It’s incredibly painful to feel like you’re not wanted— and we do mean painful. fMRI studies have found that rejection elicits brain activity in multiple neural regions that process physical pain. And the language we use to describe rejection mirrors this experience. Researchers recorded over a dozen languages that relate rejection to being hurt, using terms like “crushed” or “broken-hearted.” So why does rejection trigger such a strong response, and is there any way to cope with this unique kind of pain?
受到拒絕、令人心傷 唔受歡迎會令人痛到入心入肺—— 係呀,真係入心入肺㗎 功能性磁振造影(fMRI)研究 發現受到拒絕會引發 大腦處理肉體痛楚嘅 多個神經區域活動 呢個體驗反映咗 喺我哋用嚟形容被拒絕嘅言語上 研究人員錄製咗 超過 12 種語言 都係因為受到拒絕而受傷用到嘅措詞 例如「震驚」或者「心碎」 點解被拒絕會引起咁強烈嘅反應 同埋有冇方法 應付呢種獨特痛楚嘅呢?
Psychologists often describe rejection as what happens when we perceive that others don’t value having social connections with us. This could occur when we’re abandoned by a romantic partner, excluded from a group, or outright discriminated against. But it’s worth noting that these interpersonal rejections have a social element that distinguishes them from not getting a job. In these experiences, we perceive that the rejecting party undervalues our relationship. And while the pain of rejection often increases the more we value a relationship, even rejections by relative strangers can hurt our feelings.
心理學家經常將拒絕描述為 當其他人唔重視 同我哋建立社交聯繫時 發生嘅情況 可能發生喺我哋被愛侶拋棄 被排除喺社群之外 或者直接受到歧視嗰陣 但值得留意呢啲 人與人之間嘅拒絕 同搵唔到工嗰種拒絕 係由於不同嘅社會因素 喺呢啲體驗入面 我哋認為拒絕嘅一方輕視咗 我哋之間嘅關係 而被拒絕嘅痛楚會隨著 我哋對嗰段關係嘅重視程度而增加 但就算係陌生人嘅拒絕 都可以傷害我哋嘅感受
This might seem like an overreaction, but just as bodily pain warns us about perceived threats to our physical well-being, hurt feelings warn us about perceived threats to our social well-being. Some behavioral psychologists argue this warning system developed when our prehistoric ancestors lived in small clans and depended on everyone they knew for survival. These humans may have evolved to perceive rejection from anyone as a potential threat to their safety. It’s impossible to confirm this kind of evolutionary theory, but wherever this warning system came from, it doesn't include instructions for how to process this intense emotional experience. So, the next time you’re feeling rejected, try asking yourself these questions.
噉樣做好似反應過大 但就好似身體受到痛楚 係警告我哋 身體健康正受到威脅 呢種感受警告我哋 喺社交健康方面係受到威脅 某啲行為學家喺度拗話 呢個警告系統喺史前以經有 祖先嗰陣以小氏族形式群居 人類需要倚賴 所有佢哋認識嘅人嚟生存 當時嘅人可能已經進化到將拒絕 視為對佢哋安全嘅潛在威脅 要證實呢種進化理論根本係冇可能 但無論呢種警告系統嚟自邊度 系統係冇指示畏我哋 應該要點樣處理呢個緊張嘅情緒化體驗 所以,當你下次覺得被拒絕 試下問下自己以下嘅問題
The first thing to consider is your relationship with the person rejecting you. Is this someone who knows you well and whose opinion you hold dear? Or is it just a loose acquaintance? If it’s the latter, that might help you answer the second question: does this rejection really matter? It can sting when a stranger doesn't laugh at your joke, but it doesn’t make sense to react strongly to a rejection with little impact on your life.
首先,細心思考下 你同拒絕你嘅人之間嘅關係 佢係咪好了解你 而你亦好重視佢嘅意見嘅呢? 或只係識但唔熟嘅人呢? 如果係後者可能幫到你 回答第二條問題: 呢個拒絕係咪真係咁重要呢? 陌生人覺得你個笑話唔好笑 你會受到啲刺激 但係呢啲拒絕對你嘅生活 得些少影響啫 冇必要作出過大嘅反應
Of course, brushing off even a minor rejection is easier said than done, since how you perceive yourself also factors into this equation. You likely feel more confident in some circumstances than others, and people tend to be especially sensitive to rejection in situations where they have a low opinion of themselves. So much so, that they even become more likely to misinterpret other people’s neutral reactions as rejections. This is why it can be helpful to both reflect on your self-view and ask yourself if the other person is actually rejecting you. This might seem like an odd question. But you may find that while the other person didn’t treat you as you would have liked, they still value your relationship. In some cases, it's also helpful to consider whether you were expecting more acceptance than was reasonable.
當然,要無視一個小小嘅拒絕 講就容易,做就好難 因為你點樣睇自己 都係一個重要因素 喺某啲情況你會覺得 自己比其他人更有自信 而人往往會對被拒絕 表現得特別敏感 尤其係喺佢哋自信心好低落嗰陣 低到一個程度令到佢哋誤會 其他人中立嘅反應就係拒絕 呢個就係點解 要由自己嘅角度去反思 問下究竟其他人係咪真係拒絕你 係會對你自己有益 呢個或者係好奇怪嘅問題 你會發覺其他人對待你嘅方式 唔係你所期望噉 依然好重視大家嘅關係 喺某啲情況 你細心諗下會有幫助 你所期望嘅係唔係 已經超乎合理嘅範圍
Unfortunately, after asking these questions, you might still conclude that a person close to you doesn’t value your relationship as much as you do. This is a painful realization, but it can help to remember two things. First, this rejection isn't just about you. The other party wants something different from your relationship, and what they want might be unreasonable, unfair, or simply not what you have to give. Second, their rejection isn’t proof that there’s something wrong with you. The pain you’re feeling is just part of a system nudging you to think about your interpersonal relationships. And by reflecting on your behavior, you can find clues to help better understand the rejection and think critically about the relationship you want to have with this person.
不幸嘅係,問完呢啲問題後 你依然會得出個結論係 一個同你關係密切嘅人 唔似你咁重視呢段關係 呢個雖然係一個痛苦嘅認知過程 但可以幫你記住兩樣嘢 第一,呢個拒絕唔係針對你 對方想喺呢段關係裏面 要啲唔同嘅嘢 而佢哋要嘅嘢 可能係唔合理、唔公平 甚至唔係你必須付出嘅嘢 第二,佢哋嘅拒絕唔代表係你有問題 係整個系統嘅一部分 令你感受到痛 輕輕推你一把 令你諗下自己嘅人際關係 而反思一下自己嘅行為 可以幫你搵到 了解拒絕嘅一啲線索 同埋仔細諗清楚 你想同呢個人 建立咩嘢嘅關係
Every relationship and rejection is unique. But whatever the specifics, it’s important to remember that you’re never alone in all of this. Everyone deals with rejection throughout their life— even those who seem confident in their belonging. And one of the most common ways to cope with this universal experience is to reconnect with those who already accept you.
每段關係、每個拒絕 都係獨特嘅 但無論細節係點 重要嘅係、你要記住 你唔係一個人去面對所有嘢 大家喺一生之中 都要應付被人拒絕 既使睇落對群體生活 滿有自信嘅人都係一樣 而最常見嘅方法之一 去應付呢種普遍嘅體驗 就係同已經接納咗你嘅人 重新建立關係