Have you every had to break your family's rules? Today, I'm breaking mine, around money, secrecy and shame. In 2006, on my brother Keith's 40th birthday, he called. "Tam, I'm in dire straits. I wouldn't ask unless I had to. Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?" This wasn't the first time he needed quick cash, but this time, his voice frightened me. I had never heard him so beaten down and shameful, and it was on his 40th birthday. After a few basic questions that we would all ask, I agreed to loan him the money, but under one condition: that as the financial professional in the family, I wanted to meet with him and his wife to see what was really happening.
你們是否曾經必須要打破家規? 今天,我要打破我的家規, 關於金錢、秘密,以及羞恥的家規。 2006 年,我哥哥基斯在他 四十歲生日的那一天打電話來。 「譚美,我的狀況非常糟。 不到必要關頭,我不會問的。 我能否跟你借 7500 美金?」 那並不是他第一次急需現金, 但這一次,他的聲音嚇著了我。 我從來沒有聽過他這麼 潦倒、羞恥的聲音, 且那天是他的四十歲生日。 問了幾個大家都會問的 基本問題之後, 我同意借他錢,但有一個條件: 身為家中的財務專家, 我想要和他及他太太見面, 了解真正的狀況。
Weeks later, we met at the local Starbucks, and I started right in with the tough-love budget conversation. "You should sell the house, downsize to something you can afford, sell the toys. And Starbucks? Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee."
幾週之後,我們在 當地的星巴克裡見面, 我一開始就切入談起 「嚴苛的愛」生活費。 「你應該把房子賣了, 換到小一點但能負擔的房子, 把『玩具』賣掉。 至於星巴克呢? 放棄每天五美金的咖啡。」
You know, all the trappings that we do to keep up with the Joneses. Quickly, my brother and his wife went into a fearsome blame game, and it got messy. I vacillated between therapist and pissed-off sister. I wanted them to be better than this.
你知道的,所有為了 和別人比較而做的虛飾。 很快地,我哥哥和他太太 就開始了可怕的怪罪比賽, 場面很難看。 我在治療師和被惹毛的妹妹 這兩個身分之間遊走。 我希望他們做得比現在這樣更好。
"Come on, you two. Get your shit together. You're parents. Grow up and buck up." After we left, I called my mom, but Keith beat me to it, and he told her that I wasn't helpful. In fact, he was hurt and felt ganged-up on. Of course he did. I shamed him with my tough-love budget conversation.
「拜託,兩位,別再瞎搞了。 你們是父母。 成熟一點,振作一點。」 我們離開後,我打電話給我母親, 但基斯比我快了一步, 他跟母親說我都不幫忙。 事實上,他很受傷, 覺得大家都聯手對付他。 他當然會有這種反應。我用我那段 嚴苛的愛生活費談話來羞辱他。
Two months went by when I received a call.
兩個月之後,我接到一通電話。
"Tam? I have bad news. Keith committed suicide last night." Days later, at his home, I went looking for answers, in his "office" -- the garage. There, I found a stack of overdue credit card bills and a foreclosure notice served to him on the day that he died. My brother left behind his beautiful 10-year-old daughter, his brilliant 18-year-old son, weeks before his high school graduation, and his wife of 20 years.
「譚美?我有壞消息。 基斯昨晚自殺了。」 幾天後,在他家,我去尋找答案, 我進到他的「辦公室」——車庫。 在那裡,我找到一疊 過期的信用卡帳單, 還有一份回贖權取消通知, 在他過世的那天交給他。 我哥哥留下了一個美麗的十歲女兒, 一個聰明的十八歲兒子, 幾週後就要高中畢業, 還有結婚二十年的太太。
How did this happen? My brother was caught in our family's money-shame cycle, and he was far from alone in this. Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64 have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999. Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures were present in nearly 40 percent of the deaths, with white middle-aged men accounting for seven out of 10 suicides. What I've learned is that our self-destructive and self-defeating financial behaviors are not driven by our rational, logical minds. Instead, they are a product of our subconscious belief systems rooted in our childhoods and so deeply ingrained in us, they shape the way that we deal with money our entire adult lives, and so many of you are left believing that you're lazy, crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.
這是怎麼發生的? 我哥哥陷入了我家的 「金錢羞恥」循環中, 且他不是唯一的一個人。 從 1999 年開始, 40 到 64 歲的成人 自殺率上升了近 40%。 近 40% 的自殺死者遇到 失業、破產,和回贖權 取消的狀況, 十個自殺者當中 就有七個是中年白人, 我們發現, 我們的自我毀滅 和自取滅亡的財務行為 並不是由理性、邏輯的大腦所控制。 反之,這些行為是我們 潛意識信念系統的產物, 深根於我們的童年, 在我們體內非常根深蒂固, 形塑了我們在整個成年期中 處理金錢的方式, 所以,許多人就會 相信自己是懶惰、 瘋了,或是愚蠢, 或就是不擅長處理錢。
This is what I call money shame. Dr. Brené Brown, a well-known shame researcher, defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." Based on this definition, here's how I'm defining money shame: "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging, based on our bank account balances, our debts, our homes, our cars and our job titles."
這就是我所謂的金錢羞恥。 布芮尼布朗博士 是一位著名的羞恥研究者, 她把羞恥定義為 「極度痛苦的感覺或經驗, 相信我們有瑕疵, 因此不值得被愛及有所歸屬。」 根據這個定義, 我把金錢羞恥定義如下: 「極度痛苦的感覺或經驗, 相信我們有瑕疵, 因此不值得被愛及有所歸屬, 依據的是我們的銀行帳戶餘額、 我們的負債、 我們的房子、我們的車子, 以及我們的工作頭銜。」
Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean. I believe that we all have money shame, whether you earn 10,000 dollars a year or 10 million, and it's because we give money all of our power. Here's what it would look like if someone that you love, or you, might have money shame. They play the big shot, always picking up the check, financially rescuing family and friends. They are financially secure, but they live in a state of chronic not-enoughness. They drive a Mercedes, but their budget really only can afford a Honda. And they're looking good at every cost.
讓我舉幾個例子來說明我的意思。 我相信我們都有金錢羞恥, 不論你的年收入是 一萬美金或一千萬美金, 原因是因為我們把 所有的權力都交給金錢。 如果你所愛的人或是你本身 有金錢羞恥的話, 看起來會是這個樣子的: 他們會裝作是大人物, 總是要當付錢的人, 在財務上去拯救家人和朋友。 他們在財務上是安全的, 但他們生活在一種長期 都不覺得足夠的狀態。 他們開賓士汽車,但他們的預算 其實只負擔得起本田汽車。 他們會不計代價想 讓自己看起來很棒。
I know that we can break free from the grips of money shame, because I did. Shortly after my brother's death, the Recession hit. I lost my business and faced bankruptcy. Secretly, I was terrified. I stayed in my home for a year, thinking I did something wrong, told myself, "What did you do? What happened?" I stayed silent, while all along, I went outside and smiled. Nobody knew. That's money shame.
我知道我們可以脫離 金錢羞恥的掌心, 因為我就做過。 在我哥哥過世後不久, 發生經濟衰退, 我失去了我的事業,面臨破產。 私底下,我害怕極了。 我待在我家裡一整年, 認為是我做錯了什麼事, 我問自己:「你做了什麼? 發生了什麼事?」 我保持沉默,但我一直都會 走到外面對大家微笑。 沒有人知道。 那就是金錢羞恥。
So what I had to do was let go of the grip that I had on knowing all the answers. I was the know-it-all in my family, and I had to give up the idea that a new financial plan was the solution. And so just like everything in my life, for me, I was sent a human to help, and I accepted the help, but I had to do major self-inquiry about my family's money history and my money beliefs.
我必須要放下, 不能再覺得我知道所有的答案。 在我家,我就是那個 什麼都知道的人, 我得要放棄認為新的財務計畫 就是解決方案的想法。 所以,就像我人生中的一切一樣, 有個人來幫助我, 而我接受了那幫助, 但我得要做重要的自我探索, 探索我家族的金錢史 以及我的金錢信仰。
We have to start having this conversation. Money can no longer be a taboo topic. We have to get honest with each other that we're suffering with money issues, and let's get real -- we have to stop numbing out our pain. In order to uncover the painful parts of your money story and your money history, you can't be numb. We have to let go of our past in order to be free. Letting go of the past happens through surrender, faith and forgiveness. Debt is the tangible manifestation of not forgiving. If you have debt, you've not completely forgiven your past, so it's our work to forgive ourselves and others so that we can live freely. Otherwise, our history will continue to repeat. This is not a quick fix, and I know we all want one, but it's a slow wake-up. This is another level of work. We have to go higher to get it, to get at it.
我們得要開始進行這樣的談話。 金錢不能夠再是禁忌的話題。 我們得要對彼此誠實, 坦誠我們遇到了金錢問題, 而且,咱們要實際點—— 我們得要停止去麻木我們的痛苦。 為了要揭露出你的金錢故事 及你的金錢歷史中的痛苦部分, 你不能麻木。 我們得要放下過去,才能夠自由。 要透過屈服、信念,以及寬恕, 才能放下過去。 債務就是不寬恕的實質具體呈現。 如果你還欠債,你就還沒有 完全寬恕你的過去, 所以,我們要做的是寬恕 我們自己以及他人, 這樣我們才能自由地生活。 不然,我們的歷史就會不斷重演。 這並不是快速解決的方案, 我知道我們都希望快速解決, 但它其實是緩慢的覺醒。 這是另一個層級的工作了。 我們得要爬更高才能得到它, 才能夠得著它。
So try this: follow your dollars. Your money will show you right away what you value. Where's it going? And then ask yourself: Do I really value all this stuff? And get curious about what you're feeling when you're spending. Are you lonely? Are you bored? Or are you just excited?
所以,試試這樣做: 跟著你的錢走。 你的金錢會馬上告訴你 你重視的是什麼。 它被花到哪裡去了? 接著,問問你自己: 我真的重視所有這些東西嗎? 要好奇地去了解 當你花錢時的感受是什麼。 你寂寞嗎? 你無聊嗎? 或者你只是興奮?
But there's deeper work that needs to happen. How did you get all these money beliefs to begin with? I call this your money autobiography, and as a money coach, this is the first step I take with my clients. Think back to your earliest childhood money memory. What did it feel like when you got money? Were you excited, proud or confused? And what did you do with the money? Did you run with the candy store, or did you run to the bank? And what did you hear your parents say, and what did you see your parents do with the money?
但還有更深的工作需要去做。 你一開始是怎麼產生出 這些金錢信念的? 我稱它為你的金錢自傳, 我是個金錢教練, 我帶客戶所做的第一步如下。 回想你孩童時期 最早的金錢相關記憶。 當你拿到錢的時候,感覺如何? 你是很興奮、很驕傲, 還是很困惑? 你把錢用在哪裡? 你是跑去糖果店,還是跑去銀行? 你聽見你的父母說什麼? 你看到你的父母如何使用金錢?
My brother and I heard, "More money will make us happy." Every day. "More money will make us happy." And we internalized that into the money belief that our self worth was equal to our net worth as we watched our mom live in a state of chronic not-enoughness. And she numbed the pain with sugar and shopping.
我哥哥和我聽到的是: 「更多的錢會讓我們快樂。」 每天都聽到。 「更多的錢會讓我們快樂。」 我們就會把它內化成金錢信念, 相信我們的自我價值 等同於我們的淨值, 同時看著我們的母親活在 一種長期都覺得不夠足的狀態中。 她用糖和購物來麻痹那痛苦。
So what did we do? Keith played out my mother's life. He was an underearner, longed to be financially rescued, and he numbed out the pain with alcohol. I did the opposite. I became a high earner, rescuer, and I numbed the pain out with self-help books. But what we had in common was our money belief. We both believed that our bank account balance was equal to our self worth.
所以,我們做了什麼? 基斯重演了我母親的人生。 他賺的錢很少, 渴望在財務上被拯救, 他用酒精來麻木他的痛苦。 我做的相反。 我變成了高收入者, 拯救者, 我用自助書籍來麻目我的痛苦。 但我們兩人的共通點 是我們的金錢信念。 我們都相信我們的銀行帳戶餘額 等同於我們的自我價值。
Looking back at the Starbucks meeting with my brother ... he didn't need a budget and my judgment. He needed a breakthrough from his suffering, and he needed my compassion. Keith was not able to be the one to speak up and break our family money shame cycle, so he left me to do the work and share his legacy. Change is difficult, but in my family, not changing is fatal.
回頭看我和我哥哥 在星巴克的會面…… 他並不需要生活費和我的評斷。 他需要的是從他的苦難突破出來, 他需要我的同理心。 基斯無法成為說出來並且打破 我們家族金錢羞恥循環的那個人, 所以他把這個工作留給我, 並分享了他的遺產。 改變很難, 但在我的家庭中, 不改變反而會致命。
So I did the work, and I have experienced deep and profound forgiveness, and as I stand here today, I am living on purpose, I serve, and money serves me. It only takes one person in your family to break through the money-shame cycle. I want you to be the one.
所以我做了這項工作, 我已經經驗過了 深刻且深切的寬恕, 且,今天我站在這裡, 我活著是有目的的, 我服務,而金錢也會服務我。 在你的家庭中,只需要有一個人 來打破金錢羞恥的循環。 我希望各位能當這個人。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)