Have you every had to break your family's rules? Today, I'm breaking mine, around money, secrecy and shame. In 2006, on my brother Keith's 40th birthday, he called. "Tam, I'm in dire straits. I wouldn't ask unless I had to. Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?" This wasn't the first time he needed quick cash, but this time, his voice frightened me. I had never heard him so beaten down and shameful, and it was on his 40th birthday. After a few basic questions that we would all ask, I agreed to loan him the money, but under one condition: that as the financial professional in the family, I wanted to meet with him and his wife to see what was really happening.
Ste že kdaj morali prekršiti družinska pravila? Jaz bom danes prekršila svojega o denarju, skrivnostnosti in sramoti. Leta 2006 me je brat Keith poklical na svoj 40. rojstni dan. "Tam, v težavah sem. Ne bi te prosil, če ne bi bilo nujno. Mi posodiš 7500 dolarjev?" To ni bilo prvič, da je na hitro potreboval gotovino. A tokrat me je njegov glas prestrašil. Še nikoli ga nisem slišala tako potolčenega in osramočenega, pa še njegov 40. rojstni dan je bil. Po nekaj osnovnih vprašanjih, ki bi jih vsi zastavili, sem privolila, da mu bom posodila denar, a pod enim pogojem: da se kot finančna strokovnjakinja v naši družini srečam z njim in njegovo ženo, da vidim, kaj se res dogaja.
Weeks later, we met at the local Starbucks, and I started right in with the tough-love budget conversation. "You should sell the house, downsize to something you can afford, sell the toys. And Starbucks? Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee."
Nekaj tednov kasneje smo se sestali v bližnjem Starbucksu in začela sem kruti pogovor o denarju. "Prodajta hišo, kupita kaj manjšega, kar si lahko privoščita, prodajta 'igrače'. In Starbucks? Odpovejta se vsakodnevni kavi za 5 dolarjev.
You know, all the trappings that we do to keep up with the Joneses. Quickly, my brother and his wife went into a fearsome blame game, and it got messy. I vacillated between therapist and pissed-off sister. I wanted them to be better than this.
Saj veste, vsem vidnim znamenjem moči, samo da bi bili boljši kot sosedje. Brat in njegova žena sta se hitro zapletla v strašno igro obtoževanja in postalo je zoprno. Omahovala sem med terapevtom in besno sestro. Želela sem, da bi bila boljša kot to.
"Come on, you two. Get your shit together. You're parents. Grow up and buck up." After we left, I called my mom, but Keith beat me to it, and he told her that I wasn't helpful. In fact, he was hurt and felt ganged-up on. Of course he did. I shamed him with my tough-love budget conversation.
"Dajta no, vzemita se v roke. Starša sta. Odrastita že in glavo pokonci." Ko smo se poslovili, sem poklicala mamo, a Keith me je prehitel in ji povedal, da nisem bila koristna. Bil je užaljen in je imel občutek, da sem se zarotila proti njemu. Seveda se je. Osramotila sem ga s svojim krutim pogovorom o denarju.
Two months went by when I received a call.
Čez dva meseca sem prejela klic.
"Tam? I have bad news. Keith committed suicide last night." Days later, at his home, I went looking for answers, in his "office" -- the garage. There, I found a stack of overdue credit card bills and a foreclosure notice served to him on the day that he died. My brother left behind his beautiful 10-year-old daughter, his brilliant 18-year-old son, weeks before his high school graduation, and his wife of 20 years.
"Tam, slabo novico imam. Keith je sinoči naredil samomor." Nekaj dni kasneje sem pri njemu doma iskala odgovore v njegovi 'pisarni' - v garaži. Našla sem kupe zapadlih računov za kreditne kartice in obvestilo o zasegi hipoteke, ki ga je prejel na dan, ko je umrl. Moj brat je zapustil prelepo desetletno hčerko, brilijantnega osemnajstletnega sina in to nekaj tednov pred maturo, ter ženo, s katero je bil poročen 20 let.
How did this happen? My brother was caught in our family's money-shame cycle, and he was far from alone in this. Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64 have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999. Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures were present in nearly 40 percent of the deaths, with white middle-aged men accounting for seven out of 10 suicides. What I've learned is that our self-destructive and self-defeating financial behaviors are not driven by our rational, logical minds. Instead, they are a product of our subconscious belief systems rooted in our childhoods and so deeply ingrained in us, they shape the way that we deal with money our entire adult lives, and so many of you are left believing that you're lazy, crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.
Kako je prišlo do tega? Moj brat je bil ujet v sramotnem finančnem začaranem krogu naše družine in še zdaleč ni bil sam. Število samomorov pri odraslih med 40. in 64. letom starosti se je od leta 1999 zvišalo za skoraj 40 odstotkov. Izguba službe, bankrot in zaplemba hipoteke so bili prisotni v skoraj 40 odstotkih teh smrti, pri belih moških srednjih let pa so predstavljali 7 od 10 samomorov. Kar sem se iz tega naučila, je, da našega samouničujočega finančnega vedenja ne vodi racionalen, logičen razum. Namesto tega je rezultat naših podzavestnih prepričanj, ki so ukoreninjeni v našem otroštvu in tako zelo zažrti v nas, da oblikujejo naš odnos do denarja skozi vse naše odraslo življenje Mnogi ste prepričani, da ste leni, nori ali neumni - ali pa samo ne znate z denarjem.
This is what I call money shame. Dr. Brené Brown, a well-known shame researcher, defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." Based on this definition, here's how I'm defining money shame: "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, and therefore unworthy of love and belonging, based on our bank account balances, our debts, our homes, our cars and our job titles."
To imenujem finančni sram. Dr. Brené Brown, svetovno znana raziskovalka sramu, sram definira kot 'intenzivno boleč občutek ali izkušnjo prepričanja, da smo pokvarjeni in torej nevredni ljubezni in pripadanja'. Na podlagi te definicije jaz finančni sram definiram takole: 'intenzivno boleč občutek ali izkušnja prepričanja, da smo pokvarjeni in torej nevredni ljubezni in pripadanja, na podlagi našega finančnega stanja, naših dolgov, naših domov, naših avtov in naših službenih nazivov.'
Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean. I believe that we all have money shame, whether you earn 10,000 dollars a year or 10 million, and it's because we give money all of our power. Here's what it would look like if someone that you love, or you, might have money shame. They play the big shot, always picking up the check, financially rescuing family and friends. They are financially secure, but they live in a state of chronic not-enoughness. They drive a Mercedes, but their budget really only can afford a Honda. And they're looking good at every cost.
Naj vam dam nekaj primerov. Verjamem, da vsi nosimo finančni sram, pa naj zaslužimo 10 000 ali 10 milijonov dolarjev na leto, in to zato, ker denarju dajemo vso moč. Takole izgleda, če nekdo, ki ga ljubite, ali vi sami morda ima finančni sram. Dela se veliko živino, vedno pobere račun, finančno rešuje družino in prijatelje. Finančno je varen, a živi v stanju kronične nezadostnosti. Vozi mercedesa, zares pa si lahko privošči le hondo. In za vsako ceno dobro izgleda.
I know that we can break free from the grips of money shame, because I did. Shortly after my brother's death, the Recession hit. I lost my business and faced bankruptcy. Secretly, I was terrified. I stayed in my home for a year, thinking I did something wrong, told myself, "What did you do? What happened?" I stayed silent, while all along, I went outside and smiled. Nobody knew. That's money shame.
Vem, da se lahko rešimo iz krempljev finančnega sramu, ker sem se tudi jaz. Kmalu po bratovi smrti je udarila recesija. Zgubila sem svoj posel in se soočila z bankrotom. Na skrivaj sem bila na smrt prestrašena. Eno leto sem ostala doma, prepričana, da sem naredila nekaj narobe. Govorila sem si: "Kaj si naredila? Kaj se je zgodilo?" Molčala sem, a ves čas sem hodila ven in se smehljala. Nihče ni vedel. To je finančni sram.
So what I had to do was let go of the grip that I had on knowing all the answers. I was the know-it-all in my family, and I had to give up the idea that a new financial plan was the solution. And so just like everything in my life, for me, I was sent a human to help, and I accepted the help, but I had to do major self-inquiry about my family's money history and my money beliefs.
Kar sem morala narediti, je, izviti se iz krempljev prepričanja, da imam vse odgovore. V svoji družini sem bila pametnjakovič. In morala sem opustiti idejo, da je novi finančni načrt rešitev. In tako so mi kot vedno v življenju poslali človeka na pomoč in sprejela sem pomoč, a morala sem se lotiti veliko samoizpraševanja o finančni zgodovini svoje družine in svojih prepričanjih o denarju.
We have to start having this conversation. Money can no longer be a taboo topic. We have to get honest with each other that we're suffering with money issues, and let's get real -- we have to stop numbing out our pain. In order to uncover the painful parts of your money story and your money history, you can't be numb. We have to let go of our past in order to be free. Letting go of the past happens through surrender, faith and forgiveness. Debt is the tangible manifestation of not forgiving. If you have debt, you've not completely forgiven your past, so it's our work to forgive ourselves and others so that we can live freely. Otherwise, our history will continue to repeat. This is not a quick fix, and I know we all want one, but it's a slow wake-up. This is another level of work. We have to go higher to get it, to get at it.
Moramo se začeti pogovarjati o tem. Denar ne more več biti tabu tema. Pošteni moramo biti drug z drugim, da trpimo zaradi finančnih težav in nehajmo ga že lomiti - prenehati moramo blažiti bolečino. Da bi odkrili boleče dele svoje finančne zgodbe in zgodovine, ne moremo biti otopeli. Preteklost moramo pustiti za sabo, da bi se osvobodili. Puščanje preteklosti za sabo se zgodi skozi predajo, vero in odpuščanje. Dolg je otipljiva manifestacija neodpuščanja. Če imate dolg, svoje preteklosti še niste popolnoma oprostili, zato je naša naloga, da odpustimo sebi in drugim, da bomo lahko svobodno zaživeli. Drugače se bo naša zgodovina še naprej ponavljala. To ni hitra rešitev in vem, da si jo vsi želimo, a to je počasno prebujanje. To je druga stopnja dela. Iti moramo višje, da jo bomo dobili, da jo bomo dosegli,
So try this: follow your dollars. Your money will show you right away what you value. Where's it going? And then ask yourself: Do I really value all this stuff? And get curious about what you're feeling when you're spending. Are you lonely? Are you bored? Or are you just excited?
Poskusite tole: sledite svojemu denarju. Denar vam bo takoj pokazal, kaj cenite. Kam gre? Potem pa se vprašajte: so mi te stvari res tako pomembne? Naj vas zanima, kako se počutite, ko zapravljate. Ste osamljeni? Ste zdolgočaseni? Ali ste samo vznemirjeni?
But there's deeper work that needs to happen. How did you get all these money beliefs to begin with? I call this your money autobiography, and as a money coach, this is the first step I take with my clients. Think back to your earliest childhood money memory. What did it feel like when you got money? Were you excited, proud or confused? And what did you do with the money? Did you run with the candy store, or did you run to the bank? And what did you hear your parents say, and what did you see your parents do with the money?
A še globlje je treba iti. Kako ste sploh dobili vsa ta prepričanja o denarju? To imenujem finančna avtobiografija in zame, finančno terapevtko, je to prvi korak, ki ga naredim s strankami. Pomislite nazaj na svoj prvi otroški spomin, povezan z denarjem. Kako ste se počutili, ko ste dobili denar? Ste bili vznemirjeni, ponosni ali zmedeni? In kaj ste naredili z denarjem? Ste tekli v trgovino s slaščicami ali v banko? In kaj so rekli vaši starši? Kaj so vaši starši počeli z denarjem?
My brother and I heard, "More money will make us happy." Every day. "More money will make us happy." And we internalized that into the money belief that our self worth was equal to our net worth as we watched our mom live in a state of chronic not-enoughness. And she numbed the pain with sugar and shopping.
Moj brat in jaz sva slišala: "Več denarja nas bo osrečilo." Vsak dan. "Več denarja nas bo osrečilo." To sva ponotranjila v prepričanje, da je najina notranja vrednost enaka najinemu premoženju, ko sva gledala svojo mamo, kako živi v kroničnem stanju nezadostnosti. Bolečino je utapljala s sladkorjem in nakupi.
So what did we do? Keith played out my mother's life. He was an underearner, longed to be financially rescued, and he numbed out the pain with alcohol. I did the opposite. I became a high earner, rescuer, and I numbed the pain out with self-help books. But what we had in common was our money belief. We both believed that our bank account balance was equal to our self worth.
In kaj sva naredila midva? Keith je odigral mamino življenje. Zaslužil je malo, hrepenel je po finančni rešitvi in topel bolečino z alkoholom. Jaz sem delala ravno nasprotno. Postala sem nekdo, ki veliko zasluži in ki rešuje, bolečino pa sem utapljala s knjigami za samopomoč. A imela sva enako finančno prepričanje. Oba sva verjela, da je stanje na najinem bančnem računu enako najini notranji vrednosti.
Looking back at the Starbucks meeting with my brother ... he didn't need a budget and my judgment. He needed a breakthrough from his suffering, and he needed my compassion. Keith was not able to be the one to speak up and break our family money shame cycle, so he left me to do the work and share his legacy. Change is difficult, but in my family, not changing is fatal.
Ko se ozrem na srečanje z bratom v Starbucksu ... ni potreboval finančnega načrta, ne mojega obsojanja. Potreboval je preboj iz svojega trpljenja in potreboval je moje sočutje. Keith ni mogel biti tisti, ki spregovori in razbije začarani krog finančnega sramu naše družine, zato mi je pustil, da to naredim jaz in delim njegovo zapuščino. Sprememba je težka, a v moji družini je usodno, če se ne spremeniš.
So I did the work, and I have experienced deep and profound forgiveness, and as I stand here today, I am living on purpose, I serve, and money serves me. It only takes one person in your family to break through the money-shame cycle. I want you to be the one.
Tako sem vse naredila in občutila globoko odpuščanje, in ko danes tu stojim, živim z ciljem, služim in denar služi meni. Dovolj je samo en človek v vaši družini, da prekine sramotni finančni krog. Želim, da ste ta oseba vi.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(aplavz)