Suzanna Chen: The Courage to Choose a Different Path

Four years ago, I was sitting in the dimly lit room trying to craft and whatever my S.A.T. preparation, those were screaming at me or resisting the incredible urge to pull out my already receding hairline. Why was I there simply because I was surrounded by peers who were doing the same? I didn't give the slightest thought to whether I wanted or needed to do it for my personal goals. But as the environment of compassionless competition pushed me into a senselessly hectic schedule. My exhausted brain had no room left for any economist thinking. Any independent thinking whatsoever? I don't know how long this passionless pursuit lasted. But when I woke up inside the psychiatric ward of a hospital three and a half years ago. I knew it was time for me to stop and reroute. Hello, my name is Susanna Chen, and I will be talking to you about what it took for me to take another path. Two months prior to when I was involuntarily admitted to the hospital, I had to withdraw from school because it had simply become too much. How can I possibly concentrate on trigonometry when all of my energy was spent on calculating calories and resenting myself for being unable to achieve the scores everyone else could even music, something I hold dear to my heart have become nothing but a burden to my burnt out self. I remember a session of orchestra rehearsal when I was shivering from self-imposed starvation and holding back tears when the ever present dark clouds over my head. Even when I was practicing, I was not making music. The tears rolling off my cheeks played more beautifully on my violin than my frozen mine and fingers could. But perhaps the most painful of all was the suffocating sense of failure. You see, before my complete pause, I was perhaps what you expect from the Asian student who seem to be ahead of everything. I had taken summer school to accelerate my subjects, participate. Impressive sounding projects. Sign up for volunteer work and diligently prepare for whatever exams I needed to take to make myself academically distinguished. I was running no racing towards an ambiguous goal outlined in fame. The course was filled with nothing but an empty objective and others to surpass everyone else to come out first place no matter what. But speeding through school was simply not for me and perhaps never will be. The lengthy time and immense effort it took for me to understand abstract academic concepts make me feel worthless. So I took my frustrations up on my round, but perfectly fine body. When I finally had to stop because of this , I thought my life was ruined. Even from the first moment of my withdrawal, someone I really admired had told me that I was too privileged to feel sad, to foolish that diet unhealthily, and that the only thing I needed to do as a student was to go to school. The only job I have as a student was to go to school. But I could not not with a failing body, not with a mind too preoccupied with failure to understand anything and certainly not with a completely disordered mindset that made me go down the path just because, well, everyone else can and are doing it. Why aren't you? Well, I kept hearing during that time was, oh, it's such a shame, a waste of talent and all, she was doing so well. This angered and saddened me. The talents they were speaking of or the times are committed to without interest nor enjoyment, only the goal of looking good on my college applications and in the eyes of the oppressive stereotype conforming society. And well, if you can define doing well as, rushing through the most beautiful years of my without a sense of purpose, nor genuine pride in my achievements, then I was doing absolutely excellent. Well, I am, though, of course, speaking from a retrospective point of view, the fact that the path I was pursuing was not for me only became clear to me after my admission to the hospital. Isn't it ironic that I can only see the truth after my illness is blind me for the normality of life? But the realization only made me more insecure. Choosing a different path for me back then meant failure and weakness. Am I retreating just because it is too hard? Am I confirming the fact that I am less capable by giving up on the goal everyone else is reaching for? No. I might not be able to get nearly perfect scores on their SATs, but I can find joy in seeing my friends smile at the jokes I write to them every single day. Hosting the first concerts in my hospital unit upon my discharge. Performing a stand up comedy about eating disorders in front of city health officials. And publishing more than 12 passionate articles about social justice issues. Since I've been identified as autistic, I immediately wrote an article about disability discrimination, gaining a lot of positive feedback and praise for my readers and other advocacy organizations. It was not for school or college applications, and many of my peers who were still wheezing to catch up with the advanced curriculums thought I was merely wasting time. But unlike the impressive accomplishments I had before. This brought a huge smile on my face and an electrifying feeling of pride. As a regular student who is just struggling to graduate. I feel content worthy and finally on the path I belong. So on the surface, my experiences might just look like, oh, it's like mental illnesses and hospitalization for her to be removed from the stereotype path. Well, this is indeed true. What I really want to say is that being a generation growing up under so much external expectations. The choices we make about what to pursue should not be based on external pressure. Others have standards of success, should never be used to evaluate our own. And the shame and burden that prevents us from changing a path. Well, this never should have been their. I think what defines youthfulness is an endless zeal to dream, act and make a change. Even if it's a small act of making others smile inside the senior home each week. So you find yourself sitting in a dimly lit room trying to cram in whatever the exam preparation of the screaming at you. Well, wondering why you were ever there in the first place. Get outside in some fresh air and be reminded that being a youth gives you all of the opportunities to change and make a change. It gives you the power to defy a mode limiting or instinctive growth and alter the mode into a more accommodating one for the little spurts of life that come after you.