I remember my aunt brushing my hair when I was a child. I felt this tingling in my stomach, this swelling in my belly. All her attention on me, just me. My beautiful Aunt Bea, stroking my hair with a fine-bristled brush. Do you have a memory like that that you can feel in your body right now?
Ma mäletan, kuidas lapsena mu tädi kammis mu juukseid. Tundsin sellist surisevat tunnet oma kõhus, miski justkui paisus mu sees. Kõik ta tähelepanu oli minul, ainult minul. Mu kaunis tädi Bea, kes kammib mu juukseid pehme juukseharjaga. On teil ka mõni selline mälestus, mida võite praegugi oma kehas tunda?
Before language, we're all sensation. As children, that's how we learn to differentiate ourselves in the world -- through touch. Everything goes in the mouth, the hands, on the skin. Sensation -- it is the way that we first experience love. It's the basis of human connection. We want our children to grow up to have healthy intimate relationships. So as parents, one of the things that we do is we teach our children about sex. We have books to help us, we have sex ed at school for the basics. There's porn to fill in the gaps -- and it will fill in the gaps.
Enne kõnelemist tunnetame kõike kehaliselt. Lapsed õpivad nii iseennast muust maailmast eristama, läbi puudutuste. Kõik pannakse suhu, võetakse kätte, vastu nahka. See tunne -- nii tunnetame esmakordselt armastust. See on inimkontakti aluseks. Tahame, et me lastel oleks suureks kasvades intiimsuhtetega kõik hästi. Nii püüame lapsevanematena lastele õpetada ka seksiga seonduvat Meile on abiks raamatud, koolis räägitakse seksuaalõpetuse tunnis põhilised asjad ära. Siis on veel porno, et täita lüngad -- ja see täidab lüngad.
(Laughter)
(Naer)
We teach our children "the talk" about biology and mechanics, about pregnancy and safe sex, and that's what our kids grow up thinking that sex is pretty much all about. But we can do better than that. We can teach our sons and daughters about pleasure and desire, about consent and boundaries, about what it feels like to be present in their body and to know when they're not. And we do that in the ways that we model touch, play, make eye contact -- all the ways that we engage their senses. We can teach our children not just about sex, but about sensuality.
Räägime oma lastele, kuidas asjad käivad bioloogia ja tehnika mõttes, räägime rasedusest ja turvaseksist. See on see ettekujutus, mis lastel siis seksi kohta tekib. Kuid seda kõike võiks teha paremini. Me saame oma poegadele ja tütardele õpetada, mis on nauding ja iha, mis on nõusolek ja piirid, mis tunne on end oma kehas hästi tunda ja osata tunda ka seda, kui see nii ei ole. Seda saab õpetada nii, nagu näitame, kuidas puudutada, kuidas mängida, kuidas luua silmsidet -- täpselt samamoodi, kui õpetame lapsi erinevaid meeli rakendama. Lastele ei peaks rääkima mitte ainult seksist, vaid ka sensuaalsusest.
This is the kind of talk that I needed as a girl. I was extremely sensitive, but by the time I was an adolescent, I had numbed out. The shame of boys mocking my changing body and then girls exiling me for, ironically, my interest in boys, it was so much. I didn't have any language for what I was experiencing; I didn't know it was going to pass. So I did the best thing I could at the time and I checked out. And you can't isolate just the difficult feelings, so I lost access to the joy, the pleasure, the play, and I spent decades like that, with this his low-grade depression, thinking that this is what it meant to be a grown-up.
Just sellist jutuajamist oleksin ma ise tüdrukuna vajanud. Ma olin ääretult tundlik, kuid teismeliseikka jõudes, olin muutunud tundetuks. See piinlikkus, kui poisid norisid mind muutuva keha pärast ja tüdrukud jällegi tõrjusid mind, paradoksaalselt, nagu mind justkui oleks huvitanud poisid, seda kõike oli liiga palju. Ma ei osanud oma tundeid sõnadesse panna, ma ei teadnud, et see läheb mööda. Tol hetkel tundus parim lahendus olevat end lihtsalt välja lülitada. Selliseid keerulisi tundeid pole võimalik kuidagi isoleerida, ja nii kadus mu elust ka rõõm, nauding ja mäng. Elasin sedasi aastaid ja aastaid koos oma vaikse depressiooniga, arvates, et täiskasvanu elu ongi selline.
For the past year, I've been interviewing men and women about their relationship to sex and I've heard my story again and again. Girls who were told they were too sensitive, too much. Boys who were taught to man up -- "don't be so emotional." I learned I was not alone in checking out. It was my daughter who reminded me of how much I used to feel. We were at the beach. It was this rare day. I turned off my cell phone, put in the calendar, "Day at the beach with the girls." I laid our towels down just out of reach of the surf and fell asleep. And when I woke up, I saw my daughter drizzling sand on her arm like this, and I could feel that light tickle of sand on her skin and I remembered my aunt brushing my hair. So I curled up next to her and I drizzled sand on her other arm and then her legs. And then I said, "Hey, you want me to bury you?" And her eyes got really big and she was like, "Yeah!" So we dug a hole and I covered her in sand and shells and drew this little mermaid tail. And then I took her home and lathered her up in the shower and massaged her scalp and I dried her off in a towel. And I thought, "Ah. How many times had I done that -- bathed her and dried her off -- but had I ever stopped and paid attention to the sensations that I was creating for her?" I'd been treating her like she was on some assembly line of children needing to be fed and put to bed. And I realized that when I dry my daughter off in a towel tenderly the way a lover would, I'm teaching her to expect that kind of touch. I'm teaching her in that moment about intimacy. About how to love her body and respect her body. I realized there are parts of the talk that can't be conveyed in words.
Viimase aasta jooksul olen intervjueerinud mehi ja naisi seksiga seotud teemadel ja olen oma lugu kuulnud palju kordi. Tüdrukud, kellele öeldi, et nad on lihtsalt liiga tundlikud. Poisid, keda õpetati olema mehelikumad -- "Ära ole nii emotsionaalne." Sain aru, et ma ei ole ainus kes on end välja lülitanud. Tänu aga oma tütrele tuli mulle meelde, kui paljut ma kunagi tundsin. Olime rannas. Selliseid päevi ei ole tihti. Lülitasin oma telefoni välja, kirjutasin kalendrisse “Päev tüdrukutega rannas.” Panin me rannalinad maha veepiiri lähedale ja jäin tukkuma. Ja kui ma ärkasin, nägin oma tütart oma käele liiva niristamas, ja ma tundsin seda kerget liiva kõditust ta nahal ja mulle meenus kuidas tädi kammis mu juukseid. Keerasin end tema poole ja niristasin liiva ta teisele käele ja siis ta jalgade peale. Ütlesin, “Kuule, kas tahat tahad, et ma mataksin sind ära?” Ta silmad läksid nii suureks ja ta ütles "Jaa!" Ning me kaevasime augu, ma katsin ta liiva ja merekarpidega ja joonistasin talle väikese näkineiu saba. Ja seejärel viisin ta koju, seebitasin ta duši all sisse ja masseerisin ta peanahka ning kuivatasin teda rätikuga. Ja ma mõtlesin, "Kui palju kordi olen seda teinud -- pesnud ja kuivatanud teda -- ilma hetkekski peatumata, et pöörata tähelepanu aistingutele, mida talle tekitasin? Olen teinud seda nii, nagu oleks ta mingil laste riietamise, toitmise ja magamapaneku konveieril. Ja ma sain aru, et kui ma kuivatan oma tütart hästi hellalt nagu armastaja, õpetan ma teda ootama, et teda just nii puudutataksegi. Ma õpetan talle sel hetkel intiimsust. Kuidas armastada oma keha ja austada oma keha. Sain aru, et osa “nendest" asjadest ei saagi selgitada sõnadega.
In her book, "Girls and Sex," writer Peggy Orenstein finds that young women are focusing on their partner's pleasure, not their own. This is something I'm going to talk about with my girls when they're older, but for now, I look for ways to help them identify what gives them pleasure and to practice articulating that. "Rub my back," my daughter says when I tuck her in. And I say, "OK, how do you want me to rub your back?" "I don't know," she says. So I pause, waiting for her directions. Finally she says, "OK, up and to the right, like you're tickling me." I run my fingertips up her spine. "What else?" I ask. "Over to the left, a little harder now."
Oma raamatus "Girls and Sex" märgib kirjanik Peggy Orenstein, et noored naised keskenduvad oma partneri naudingule, mitte iseenda omale. See on midagi, millest ma räägin oma tütardega, kui nad on vanemad, kuid praegu püüan leida aidata neil mõista, mis pakub neile naudingut ja harjutada selle väljendamist. “Masseeri mu selga," ütleb mu tütar enne magamaminekut. Ma vastan "Okei, kuidas sa tahad, et ma su selga masseerin?" “Ma ei tea," ütleb ta. Ma vaikin, ootan ta juhendeid. Lõpuks ta ütleb: "Okei, üles ja paremale, nagu sa kõditaksid mind." Ma libistan oma sõrmed üle ta selgroo. "Mis veel?" küsin. "Vasakule poole, pisut tugevamalt nüüd."
We need to teach our children how to articulate their sensations so they're familiar with them. I look for ways to play games with my girls at home to do this. I scratch my fingernails on my daughter's arm and say, "Give me one word to describe this." "Violent," she says. I embrace her, hold her tight. "Protected," she tells me. I find opportunities to tell them how I'm feeling, what I'm experiencing, so we have common language. Like right now, this tingling in my scalp down my spine means I'm nervous and I'm excited.
Me peame õpetama lastele, kuidas väljendada oma aistinguid, et nad oskaksid neid ära tunda. Püüan seda oma tüdrukutele õpetada läbi mängu. Tõmban küüntega üle oma tütre käe ja ütlen: “Ütle üks sõna selle kirjeldamiseks." "Vägivaldne," vastab ta. Ma kallistan teda, hoian tugevasti. "Kaitstud," ütleb ta mulle. Ma leian võimalusi, et öelda neile, kuidas ma end tunnen, mida ma kogen, et meil oleks ühine keel. Nagu praegu, kui tunnen kuklast mööda selga alla minevat surinat, mis tähendab, et olen närvis ja elevil.
You are likely experiencing sensations in response to me. The language I'm using, the ideas I'm sharing. And our tendency is to judge these reactions and sort them into a hierarchy: better or worse, and then seek or avoid them. And that's because we live in this binary culture and we're taught from a very young age to sort the world into good and bad. "Did you like that book?" "Did you have a good day?" How about, "What did you notice about that story?" "Tell me a moment about your day. What did you learn?" Let's teach our children to stay open and curious about their experiences, like a traveler in a foreign land. And that way they can stay with sensation without checking out -- even the heightened and challenging ones -- the way I did, the way so many of us have.
Teie ehk tunnete samuti mingeid aistinguid reaktsioonina minule. Sõnad, mida kasutan, mõtted, mida jagan. Ja me kipume andma neile reaktsioonidele hinnangut, lahterdama nad headeks ja halbadeks ja püüame neid taas kogeda või vältida. See on sellepärast, et elame binaarses kultuuris ja meid on õpetatud lapsest saadik jagama maailma heaks ja halvaks. "Kas sulle meeldis see raamat?" "Kas sul oli hea päev?" Kuidas aga oleks küsida, “Mida sa märkasid selles loos?” "Räägi mulle hetkest oma päevas. Mida sa teada said?” Õpetame lastele olema avatud ja uudishimulikud kogemuste suhtes, nagu rännumees võõral maal. Sel moel saavad nad hoida endas neid tundmusi ilma välja logimata -- isegi intensiivsete ja keeruliste tunnetega -- nii nagu seda tegin mina, ja on teinud mitmedki meist.
This sense education, this is education I want for my daughters. Sense education is what I needed as girl. It's what I hope for all of our children. This awareness of sensation, it's where we began as children. It's what we can learn from our children and it's what we can in turn remind our children as they come of age.
Tunnetusoskus, sellist oskust soovin ma oma tütardele. Tunnetamise õpetus on see, mida tüdrukuna vajasin. See, mida soovin kõikidele meie lastele. Oskus ära tunda aistinguid, millest me alustasime lastena. Saame seda oma lastelt õppida ja ka omakorda seda neile meelde tuletada, siis kui nad kasvavad suureks.
Thank you.
Aitäh!
(Applause)
(Aplaus)