So sometimes I get angry, and it took me many years to be able to say just those words. In my work, sometimes my body thrums, I'm so enraged. But no matter how justified my anger has been, throughout my life, I've always been led to understand that my anger is an exaggeration, a misrepresentation, that it will make me rude and unlikable. Mainly as a girl, I learned, as a girl, that anger is an emotion better left entirely unvoiced.
Ponekad se naljutim, i trebalo mi je mnogo godina samo da bih mogla da to izgovorim. U mom poslu, ponekad mi se telo trese koliko sam besna. Ali bez obzira na to koliko je moj bes opravdan, čitavog života su me uvek navodili da mislim da je moj bes preterivanje, pogrešno predstavljanje, zbog kojeg ću delovati nepristojno i nedopadljivo. Uglavnom kao devojčica, kako sam naučila, za devojčicu je bes emocija koju je bolje uopšte ne izražavati.
Think about my mother for a minute. When I was 15, I came home from school one day, and she was standing on a long veranda outside of our kitchen, holding a giant stack of plates. Imagine how dumbfounded I was when she started to throw them like Frisbees...
Razmislite o mojoj majci na trenutak. Kada sam imala 15 godina, jednog dana sam došla kući iz škole, a ona je stajala na dugoj verandi ispred naše kuhinje. i držala gomilu tanjira. Zamislite kako sam bila zapanjena kada je počela da ih baca kao frizbi...
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
into the hot, humid air. When every single plate had shattered into thousands of pieces on the hill below, she walked back in and she said to me, cheerfully, "How was your day?"
u vruć, vlažan vazduh. Kada se svaki tanjir razbio na hiljade komada na uzvišici ispod, ušla je unutra i pitala me, veselo: „Kako si provela dan?“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Now you can see how a child would look at an incident like this and think that anger is silent, isolating, destructive, even frightening. Especially though when the person who's angry is a girl or a woman. The question is why.
Možete videti kako bi dete gledalo na ovaj incident i pomislilo da je bes tih, da izoluje, da je destruktivan, čak i strašan. Posebno kad je osoba koja je besna devojka ili žena. Pitanje je zašto.
Anger is a human emotion, neither good nor bad. It is actually a signal emotion. It warns us of indignity, threat, insult and harm. And yet, in culture after culture, anger is reserved as the moral property of boys and men. Now, to be sure, there are differences. So in the United States, for example, an angry black man is viewed as a criminal, but an angry white man has civic virtue. Regardless of where we are, however, the emotion is gendered. And so we teach children to disdain anger in girls and women, and we grow up to be adults that penalize it.
Bes je ljudska emocija, ni dobra ni loša. Zapravo je signalna emocija. Upozorava nas na poniženje, pretnje, uvrede i zlo. Pa ipak, u mnogim kulturama, bes je rezervisan kao moralna svojina dečaka i muškaraca. Doduše, ima razlika. U Sjedinjenim Državama, na primer, ljutitog crnca vide kao kriminalca, ali ljutiti belac poseduje građanske vrline. Međutim, bez obzira na to gde se nalazimo, ova emocija je rodno određena. Tako učimo decu da preziru bes kod devojčica i žena, i postajemo odrasli koji zbog njega kažnjavaju.
So what if we didn't do that? What if we didn't sever anger from femininity? Because severing anger from femininity means we sever girls and women from the emotion that best protects us from injustice. What if instead we thought about developing emotional competence for boys and girls? The fact is we still remarkably socialize children in very binary and oppositional ways. Boys are held to absurd, rigid norms of masculinity -- told to renounce the feminine emotionality of sadness or fear and to embrace aggression and anger as markers of real manhood. On the other hand, girls learn to be deferential, and anger is incompatible with deference. In the same way that we learned to cross our legs and tame our hair, we learned to bite our tongues and swallow our pride. What happens too often is that for all of us, indignity becomes imminent in our notions of femininity.
Šta ako to ne bismo radili? Šta da ne odvajamo bes od ženstvenosti? Jer razdvajanje besa i ženstvenosti znači da odvajamo devojčice i žene od emocije koja nas najbolje štiti od nepravde. Šta ako bismo umesto toga razmišljali o razvijanju emocionalnih kompetencija kod dečaka i devojčica? Činjenica je da još uvek upadljivo socijalizujemo decu na razdvojene i suprotstavljene načine. Dečacima su zadate apsurdne, rigidne norme muškosti - govore im da se odreknu ženske emocionalnosti tuge i straha i da prihvate agresiju i bes kao znake prave muškosti. S druge strane, devojke uče da budu poslušne, a bes je nespojiv sa poslušnošću. Isto kao što smo naučile da prekrstimo noge i ukrotimo kosu, naučile smo da pregrizemo jezik i progutamo ponos. Previše često se desi da za sve nas poniženje postaje neizbežno u našem poimanju ženstvenosti.
There's a long personal and political tale to that bifurcation. In anger, we go from being spoiled princesses and hormonal teens, to high maintenance women and shrill, ugly nags. We have flavors, though; pick your flavor. Are you a spicy hot Latina when you're mad? Or a sad Asian girl? An angry black woman? Or a crazy white one? You can pick. But in fact, the effect is that when we say what's important to us, which is what anger is conveying, people are more likely to get angry at us for being angry. Whether we're at home or in school or at work or in a political arena, anger confirms masculinity, and it confounds femininity. So men are rewarded for displaying it, and women are penalized for doing the same.
Duga je lična i politička priča o tom račvanju. U besu se krećemo od razmaženih princeza i tinejdžerki pod hormonima, do žena koje su teške za održavanje i kreštavih, ružnih zakerala. Imamo i ukuse; odaberite svoj ukus. Da li ste vrela pikantna Latinoamerikanka kada se naljutite? Ili ste tužna Azijatkinja? Ili ljutita crkinja? Ili luda belkinja? Možete da birate. Ali u stvari, efekat koji se javlja je da, kada kažemo ono što nam je bitno, a što se saopštava besom, veće su šanse da će se ljudi naljutiti na nas zato što smo ljute. Bilo da smo kod kuće, u školi, na poslu ili u političkoj areni, bes potvrđuje muškost i osujećuje ženstvenost. Muškarce nagrađuju kada ga pokazuju, a žene se kažnjavaju za to isto.
This puts us at an enormous disadvantage, particularly when we have to defend ourselves and our own interests. If we're faced with a threatening street harasser, predatory employer, a sexist, racist classmate, our brains are screaming, "Are you kidding me?" And our mouths say, "I'm sorry, what?"
To nas stavlja u veoma nepovoljan položaj, naročito kada moramo da branimo sebe i svoje interese. Ako se suočimo sa pretnjom nekog ko nas uznemirava na ulici, poslodavcem koji nas ugrožava, sa seksističkim, rasističkim drugom iz odeljenja, naš mozak vrišti: „Šta ti pada na pamet!“ A naša usta kažu: „Izvinite, šta?“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Right? And it's conflicting because the anger gets all tangled up with the anxiety and the fear and the risk and retaliation. If you ask women what they fear the most in response to their anger, they don't say violence. They say mockery. Think about what that means. If you have multiple marginalized identities, it's not just mockery. If you defend yourself, if you put a stake in the ground, there can be dire consequences.
Zar ne? Nastaje konflikt jer se ljutnja skroz pomeša sa anksioznošću, strahom, rizikom i osvetom. Ako pitate žene čega se najviše boje kao reakcije na svoj bes, one ne navode nasilje. Kažu da je to ismevanje. Razmislite šta to znači. Ako imate višestruko marginalizovane identitete, to nije samo ismevanje. Ako se branite, ako krenete u akciju, posledice mogu biti kobne.
Now we reproduce these patterns not in big, bold and blunt ways, but in the everyday banality of life. When my daughter was in preschool, every single morning she built an elaborate castle -- ribbons and blocks -- and every single morning the same boy knocked it down gleefully. His parents were there, but they never intervened before the fact. They were happy to provide platitudes afterwards: "Boys will be boys." "It's so tempting, he just couldn't help himself." I did what many girls and women learn to do. I preemptively kept the peace, and I taught my daughter to do the same thing. She used her words. She tried to gently body block him. She moved where she was building in the classroom, to no effect. So I and the other adults mutually constructed a particular male entitlement. He could run rampant and control the environment, and she kept her feelings to herself and worked around his needs. We failed both of them by not giving her anger the uptake and resolution that it deserved. Now that's a microcosm of a much bigger problem. Because culturally, worldwide, we preference the performance of masculinity -- and the power and privilege that come with that performance -- over the rights and needs and words of children and women.
Mi reprodukujemo ove obrasce ne na velike, smele i neposredne načine, već u svakodnevnoj banalnosti života. Kada je moja ćerka išla u predškolsko, svakog jutra bi napravila složeni zamak od traka i kockica, i svakog jutra bi ga isti dečak srušio s radošću. Njegovi roditelji su bili tu, ali nikada nisu intervenisali pre nego što bi se to desilo. Sa zadovoljstvom su nakon toga iznosili otrcane fraze: „Takvi su dečaci.“ „Toliko je primamljvo da prosto nije mogao da izdrži.“ Radila sam ono što mnoge devojčice i žene nauče da rade. Preventivno sam održavala mir i učila sam svoju ćerku da radi to isto. Birala je reči. Pokušala je da ga nežno blokira. Promenila je mesto u učionici gde je pravila zamak, ali nije delovalo. Tako smo ja i druge odrasle osobe zajedno izgradili naročito muško pravo. On je mogao da se neobuzdano ponaša i kontroliše sredinu, a ona je držala osećanja u sebi i funkcionisala na osnovu njegovih potreba. Izneverili smo oboje jer nismo dali polet njenom besu i zasluženo razrešenje. To je mikrokosmos mnogo većeg problema. Jer kulturološki, širom sveta, dajemo prednost ispoljavanju muževnosti, kao i moći i privilegijama koje idu uz to ispoljavanje, nad pravima, potrebama i rečima dece i žena.
So it will come as absolutely no surprise, probably, to the people in this room that women report being angrier in more sustained ways and with more intensity than men do. Some of that comes from the fact that we're socialized to ruminate, to keep it to ourselves and mull it over. But we also have to find socially palatable ways to express the intensity of emotion that we have and the awareness that it brings of our precarity. So we do several things. If men knew how often women were filled with white hot rage when we cried, they would be staggered.
Tako da verovatno ljude u ovoj prostoriji neće iznenaditi to što žene navode da osećaju više besa tokom dužeg perioda i u većem intenzitetu nego muškarci. Deo toga proizlazi iz činjenice da smo socijalizovane da prežvakavamo, da držimo stvari u sebi i preispitujemo ih. Ali takođe moramo pronaći društveno prihvatljive načine da izrazimo intenzitet emocija koje imamo i svest o tome da nas ovo dovodi u nepovoljan položaj. I onda radimo nekoliko stvari. Kad bi muškarci znali koliko često su žene pune žestokog besa kada plaču, bili bi zapanjeni.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
We use minimizing language. "We're frustrated. No, really, it's OK."
Koristimo jezik kojim umanjujemo značaj. „Nervozne smo. Ne, stvarno, u redu je.“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
We self-objectify and lose the ability to even recognize the physiological changes that indicate anger. Mainly, though, we get sick. Anger has now been implicated in a whole array of illnesses that are casually dismissed as "women's illnesses." Higher rates of chronic pain, autoimmune disorders, disordered eating, mental distress, anxiety, self harm, depression. Anger affects our immune systems, our cardiovascular systems. Some studies even indicate that it affects mortality rates, particularly in black women with cancer.
Objektivizujemo sebe i gubimo sposobnost čak i da prepoznamo fiziološke promene koje ukazuju na bes. Većinom se razbolimo. Bes se danas dovodi u vezu sa čitavim nizom bolesti koje se nonšalantno odbacuju kao „ženske bolesti“. Veća učestalost hroničnih bolova, autoimunih oboljenja, poremećaja ishrane, mentalnih problema, anksioznosti, samopovređivanja, depresije. Bes utiče na naš imuni i kardiovaskularni sistem. Neke studije čak ukazuju da utiče na stopu smrtnosti, naročito kod žena crne rase sa rakom.
I am sick and tired of the women I know being sick and tired. Our anger brings great discomfort, and the conflict comes because it's our role to bring comfort. There is anger that's acceptable. We can be angry when we stay in our lanes and buttress the status quo. As mothers or teachers, we can be mad, but we can't be angry about the tremendous costs of nurturing. We can be angry at our mothers. Let's say, as teenagers -- patriarchal rules and regulations -- we don't blame systems, we blame them. We can be angry at other women, because who doesn't love a good catfight? And we can be angry at men with lower status in an expressive hierarchy that supports racism or xenophobia. But we have an enormous power in this. Because feelings are the purview of our authority, and people are uncomfortable with our anger. We should be making people comfortable with the discomfort they feel when women say no, unapologetically. We can take emotions and think in terms of competence and not gender. People who are able to process their anger and make meaning from it are more creative, more optimistic, they have more intimacy, they're better problem solvers, they have greater political efficacy.
Dosta mi je više toga da je ženama koje poznajem dosta svega. Naš bes stvara znatnu neprijatnost, a konflikt nastaje jer je naša uloga da obezbedimo prijatnost. Postoji bes koji je prihvatljiv. Možemo biti ljute kad se držimo iste staze i održavamo status kvo. Kao majke ili predavači, možemo se ljutiti, ali ne možemo biti ljute zbog ogromne cene odgajanja. Možemo se ljutiti na svoje majke. Recimo, kao tinejdžerke - patrijarhalna pravila i propisi - ne krivimo sistem, već krivimo njih. Možemo se ljutiti na druge žene, jer, ko ne voli kad se žene počupaju? Možemo se ljutiti na muškarce nižeg statusa u ekspresivnoj hijerarhiji koja podržava rasizam ili ksenofobiju. Ali imamo ogromnu moć. Zato što su osećanja u našem opsegu delovanja, a ljudima je neprijatno sa našim besom. Trebalo bi da učinimo da ljudi budu u redu sa neprijatnošću koju osećaju kada žene bezrezervno kažu ne. Možemo da razmišljamo o emocijama u pogledu kompetencija, a ne pola. Ljudi koji su u stanju da prerade svoj bes i u njemu nađu smisao su kreativniji, optimističniji, zasnuju više prisnih odnosa, bolje rešavaju probleme, politički su efikasniji.
Now I am a woman writing about women and feelings, so very few men with power are going to take what I'm saying seriously, as a matter of politics. We think of politics and anger in terms of the contempt and disdain and fury that are feeding a rise of macho-fascism in the world. But if it's that poison, it's also the antidote. We have an anger of hope, and we see it every single day in the resistant anger of women and marginalized people. It's related to compassion and empathy and love, and we should recognize that anger as well.
Ja sam žena koja piše o ženama i osećanjima, i stoga će retko koji muškarac na poziciji moći ozbiljno shvatiti ono što govorim, kao političko pitanje. Mi razmišljamo o politici i besu u kontekstu prezira, omalovažavanja i besa koji podstiču uspon mačo-fašizma u svetu. Ali ako je to otrov, takođe je i protivotrov. Imamo bes nade i to svakodnevno vidimo u besu opiranja kod žena i marginalizovanih ljudi. Povezan je sa saosećanjem, empatijom i ljubavlju, i trebalo bi da uvažimo i taj bes.
The issue is that societies that don't respect women's anger don't respect women. The real danger of our anger isn't that it will break bonds or plates. It's that it exactly shows how seriously we take ourselves, and we expect other people to take us seriously as well. When that happens, chances are very good that women will be able to smile when they want to.
Problem je u tome što društva koja ne poštuju ženski bes, ne poštuju ni žene. Prava opasnost našeg besa nije u tome što će narušti veze ili polomiti tanjire. Radi se o tome da on tačno pokazuje koliko ozbiljno shvatamo same sebe i očekujemo da nas drugi ljudi takođe uzmu za ozbiljno. Kada se to dogodi, dobre su šanse da će žene moći da se nasmeju kada to budu htele.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause) (Cheers)
(Aplauz) (Ovacije)