We're going to share a lot of secrets today, you and I, and in doing so, I hope that we can lift some of the shame many of us feel about sex.
Podijelit ćemo danas mnogo tajni i nadam se da time možemo iskazati sram koji mnogi od nas osjećaju po pitanju seksa.
How many here have ever been catcalled by a stranger? Lots of women. For me, the time I remember best is when that stranger was a student of mine. He came up to me after class that night and his words confirmed what I already knew:
Koliko vas je ovdje kojima je stranac nešto dobacio, zazviždao? Mnogo žena. Meni je trenutak kojeg se najbolje sjećam, onaj kada je taj stranac bio moj student. Prišao mi je poslije predavanja i njegove riječi su potvrdile ono što sam već znala:
"I am so sorry, professor. If I had known it was you, I would never have said those things."
"Oprostite, profesorice, da sam znao da ste Vi, ne bih nikad rekao te stvari."
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
I wasn't a person to him until I was his professor. This concept, called objectification, is the foundation of sexism, and we see it reinforced through every aspect of our lives. We see it in the government that refuses to punish men for raping women. We see it in advertisements. How many of you have seen an advertisement that uses a woman's breast to sell an entirely unrelated product? Or movie after movie after movie that portrays women as only love interests? These examples might seem inconsequential and harmless, but they're insidious, slowly building into a culture that refuses to see women as people. We see this in the school that sends home a 10-year-old girl because her clothes were a distraction to boys trying to learn, or the government that refuses to punish men for raping women over and over, or the woman who is killed because she asked a man to stop grinding on her on the dance floor.
Za njega nisam bila osoba sve dok nisam bila njegova profesorica. Ovaj koncept, nazvan objektifikacija, temelj je seksizma i vidimo ga ojačanog u svakom aspektu naših života. Vidimo ga u Vladi koja odbija kazniti muškarce zbog silovanja žena. Vidimo ga u reklamama. Koliko vas je vidjelo reklamu koja koristi ženske grudi radi prodaje potpuno nepovezanog proizvoda? Ili film za filmom koji prikazuju žene koje samo zanima ljubav? Ovi se primjeri možda čine nedosljednima i bezopasnima, ali oni su podmukli, polako gradeći kulturu koja odbija vidjeti žene kao ljude. To vidimo u školi koja kući šalje desetogodišnjakinju jer je njena odjeća odvlačila pažnju dječaka koji su pokušavali učiti, ili u Vladi koja odbija kazniti muškarce zbog silovanja žena opet i opet, ili u ženi koja je ubijena jer je zatražila od muškarca da joj prestane dosađivati na plesnom podiju.
Media plays a large role in perpetuating the objectification of women. Let's consider the classic romantic comedy. We're typically introduced to two kinds of women in these movies, two kinds of desirable women, anyway. The first is the sexy bombshell. This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman with the perfect body. Our leading man has no trouble identifying her and even less trouble having sex with her. The second is our leading lady, the beautiful but demure woman our leading man falls in love with despite not noticing her at first or not liking her if he did. The first is the slut. She is to be consumed and forgotten. She is much too available. The second is desirable but modest, and therefore worthy of our leading man's future babies. Marriage material. We're actually told that women have two roles, but these two roles have a difficult time existing within the same woman.
Mediji igraju veliku ulogu u ovjekovječivanju objektifikacije žena. Uzmimo u obzir klasičnu romantičnu komediju. Obično su nam predstavljena dva tipa žena u ovim filmovima, dva tipa poželjnih žena. Prva je seks bomba. To je nevjerojatno prekrasna žena savršenog tijela. Naš glavni junak zna kako je prepoznati te kako je lako navesti na seks. Druga je naša glavna junakinja, prekrasna, ali povučena žena u koju se naš junak zaljubljuje, unatoč tome što je na prvu nije primjetio ili mu se nije svidjela. Prva je drolja. Ona služi da je se konzumira i zaboravi. Ona je previše dostupna. Druga je poželjna, ali skromna i stoga vrijedna buduće djece našeg glavnog junaka. Materijal za brak. Zapravo nam je rečeno da žena ima dvije uloge, ali te dvije uloge teško da postoje u jednoj ženi.
On the rare occasion that I share with a new acquaintance that I study sex, if they don't end the conversation right then, they're usually pretty intrigued.
U rijetkim prilikama gdje novim poznanicima kažem da proučavam seks, ako ne prekinu razgovor odmah, obično su poprilično zaintrigirani.
"Oh. Tell me more."
"Oh. Reci mi više."
So I do.
Pa to i činim.
"I'm really interested in studying the sexual behaviors of pregnant and postpartum couples." At this point I get a different kind of response.
"Jako me zanima proučavanje seksualnog ponašanja parova koji prolaze kroz trudnoću ili su je tek prošli." U tom trenu dobijem drugačiji tip odgovora.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"Oh. Huh. Do pregnant people even have sex? Have you thought about studying sexual desire or orgasms? That would be interesting, and sexy."
"Oh. Hm. Imaju li uopće ljudi u trudnoći spolni odnos? Jesi li razmišljala o proučavanju seksualnih želja ili orgazama? To bi bilo zanimljivo, i seksi."
Tell me. What are the first words that come to mind when you picture a pregnant woman? I asked this question in a survey of over 500 adults, and most responded with "belly" or "round" and "cute." This didn't surprise me too much. What else do we label as cute? Babies. Puppies. Kittens. The elderly. Right?
Recite mi. Koje su prve riječi koje Vam padnu na pamet kad zamislite trudnu ženu? Postavila sam ovo pitanje anketiranjem preko 500 odraslih ljudi i većina je odgovorila s "trbuh" ili "okruglo" te "slatko." To me nije previše iznenadilo. Što još kategoriziramo kao slatko? Bebe. Psiće. Mačiće. Starije ljude. Zar ne?
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
When we label an adult as cute, though, we take away a lot of their intelligence, their complexity. We reduce them to childlike qualities. I also asked heterosexual men to imagine a woman that they're partnered with is pregnant, and then asked women to imagine that they are pregnant, and then tell me the first words that come to mind when they imagine having sex. Most of the responses were negative. "Gross." "Awkward." "Not sexy." "Odd." "Uncomfortable." "How?"
No, doduše, kad kategoriziramo odrasle kao slatke, oduzimamo im mnogo njihove inteligencije, njihove kompleksnosti. Reduciramo ih na djetinje kvalitete. Također sam zatražila heteroseksualne muškarce da ženu s kojom su u vezi zamisle kao trudnicu, a zatim sam zatražila žene da se zamisle kao trudnice te da mi onda kažu prve riječi koje im padnu napamet pri pomisli na seks u tom periodu. Većina odgovora bila je negativna. "Odvratno." "Čudno." "Nimalo seksi." "Neobično." "Neugodno." "Kako?"
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
"Not worth the trouble." "Not worth the risk."
"Nije vrijedno muke." "Nije vrijedno rizika."
That last one really stuck with me. We might think that because we divorce pregnant women and moms from sexuality, we are removing the constraints of sexual objectification. They experience less sexism. Right? Not exactly. What happens instead is a different kind of objectification. In my efforts to explain this to others, one conversation led to the Venus of Willendorf, a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed was a goddess of love and beauty, hence the name Venus. This theory was later revised, though, when scholars noted the sculptor's obvious focus on the figurine's reproductive features: large breasts, considered ideal for nursing; a round, possibly pregnant belly; the remnants of red dye, alluding to menstruation or birth. They also assumed that she was meant to be held or placed lying down because her tiny feet don't allow her to be freestanding. She also had no face. For this reason, it was assumed that she was a representation of fertility and not a portrait of a person. She was an object. In the history of her interpretation, she went from object of ideal beauty and love to object of reproduction.
Ovo zadnje me je poprilično pogodilo. Možda mislimo da zato što odvajamo trudnice i majke od seksualnosti, da mičemo i ograničenja seksualne objektifikacije. One prolaze kroz manje seksizma. Zar ne? Pa i ne baš. Ono što je stvarno posrijedi drugačiji je tip objektifikacije. U svojim nastojanjima da objasnim ovo drugima, jedan razgovor je otišao sve do Venere iz Willendorfa, paleolitske figure za koju su znanstvenici mislili da je božica ljepote i ljubavi, odatle naziv Venera. Ta teorija kasnije je revidirana, kad su znanstvenici primjetili autorov očit fokus na figuričine reproduktivne značajke: velike grudi, koje su smatrane idealnim za dojenje; okrugao, vjerojatno trudnički trbuh, ostaci crvene boje, aludirajući na mjesečnicu ili rođenje. Također se pretpostavljalo da se figurica držala ili stavljala u ležeći položaj zato jer joj njena malena stopala ne dopuštaju samostalno stajanje. Također nije imala lice. Iz tih razloga, pretpostavilo se da je bila simbol plodnosti, a ne portret neke osobe. Ona je bila objekt. U povijesti njene interpretacije, prošla je put od objekta idealne ljepote i ljubavi do objekta reprodukcije.
I think this transition speaks more about the scholars who have interpreted her purpose than the actual purpose of the figurine herself. When a woman becomes pregnant, she leaves the realm of men's sexual desire and slides into her reproductive and child-rearing role. In doing so, she also becomes the property of the community, considered very important but only because she's pregnant. Right? I've taken to calling this the Willendorf effect, and once again we see it reinforced in many aspects of her life.
Mislim da ovaj prijelaz govori više o znanstvenicima koji su interpretirali njenu svrhu nego o stvarnoj svrsi same figurice. Kad žena zatrudni, ona napušta područje muške seksualne želje i ulazi u svoju reproduktivnu i odgojnu ulogu. Čineći to, ona također postaje vlasništvo zajednice, koje ju smatra veoma važnom, ali samo zato što je trudna. Zar ne? Ovo nazivam vilendorfskim efektom, kojeg opet vidimo osnaženog u mnogim aspektima ženinog života.
Has anyone here ever been visibly pregnant?
Je li itko od vas ovdje bio vidljivo trudan?
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Yeah. Lots of you, right? So how many of you ever had a stranger touch your belly during pregnancy, maybe without even asking your permission first? Or told what you can and cannot eat by somebody who is not your doctor, your medical care provider? Or asked private questions about your birth plan? And then told why those choices are all wrong? Yeah, me too. Or had a server refuse to bring you a glass of wine? This one might give you pause, I know, but stay with me. This is a huge secret. It is actually safe to drink in moderation during pregnancy. Many of us don't know this because doctors don't trust pregnant women with this secret --
Da. Mnogo vas, zar ne? I kome od vas je nepoznata osoba dodirnula trbuh tijekom trudnoće, možda čak i bez pitanja za vašu dozvolu? Ili vam je netko govorio što smijete jesti, a što ne, a da nije vaš liječnik, vaš pružatelj medicinske njege? Ili vas je pitao osobna pitanja oko planova za rođenje? A zatim objašnjavao zašto su ti odabiri pogrešni? Da, i mene. Ili vam je konobar odbio donijeti čašu vina? Ovo će vas možda šokirati, ali ostanite sa mnom. Ovo je velika tajna. Zapravo je skroz sigurno piti tijekom trudnoće u umjerenim količinama. Mnoge od nas ovo ne znaju jer liječnici ne vjeruju trudnicama u vezi toga --
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
especially if she's less educated or a woman of color.
posebice ako su manje obrazovane ili druge boje kože.
What this tells us is, this Willendorf effect, it's also classist and racist. It's present when the government reminds women with every new anti-choice bill that the contents of her uterus are not her own, or when an ob-gyn says, "While it's safe to have sex during pregnancy, sometimes you never know. Better safe than sorry, right?" She's denied basic privacy and bodily autonomy under the guise of "be a good mother." We don't trust her to make her own decisions. She's cute, remember? When we tell women that sexual pleasure -- excuse me.
To nam govori da je vilendorfski efekt također klasistički i rasistički. Prisutan je kad Vlada podsjeća žene, sa svakim novim zakonom koji ne dopušta izbor pri pobačaju, da sadržaj njene maternice nije njen, ili kad ginekolozi kažu: "Iako je seks tijekom trudnoće siguran, ponekad ne možete znati. Bolje spriječiti nego liječiti, zar ne?" Uskraćena joj je osnovna privatnost i pravo na svoje tijelo pod geslom "dobre majke." Ne vjerujemo joj pri donošenju njenih vlastitih odluka. Ona je slatka, sjećate se? Kad kažemo ženama da seksualni užitak -- ispričavam se.
When we tell women that sex isn't worth the risk during pregnancy, what we're telling her is that her sexual pleasure doesn't matter. So what we are telling her is that she in fact doesn't matter, even though the needs of her fetus are not at odds with her own needs.
Kad kažemo ženama da seks nije vrijedan rizika tijekom trudnoće, mi joj poručujemo da njen seksualni užitak nije bitan. Pa joj, zapravo, govorimo da ona nije bitna, iako potrebe njenog fetusa nisu u sukobu s njenim vlastitim potrebama.
So medical providers, such as the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists have the opportunity to educate about the safety of sex during pregnancy. So what do the experts say? ACOG actually has no public official statement about the safety of sex during pregnancy. Guidance from the Mayo Clinic is generally positive but presented with a caveat: "Although most women can safely have sex throughout pregnancy, sometimes it's best to be cautious."
Tako pružatelji medicinske pomoći, kao što je Američko društvo opstetričara i ginekologa (ACOG), imaju priliku educirati o sigurnosti spolnog odnosa tijekom trudnoće. I što stručnjaci kažu? ACOG zapravo nema službene javne izjave o sigurnosti spolnog odnosa tijekom trudnoće. Upute klinike Mayo su općenito pozitivne, ali prezentirane uz upozorenje: "Iako većina žena može imati siguran spolni odnos tijekom trudnoće, ponekad je najbolje biti oprezan."
Some women don't want to have sex during pregnancy, and that's OK. Some women do want to have sex during pregnancy, and that's OK, too. What needs to stop is society telling women what they can and cannot do with their bodies.
Neke žene ne žele imati spolni odnos tijekom trudnoće i to je u redu. Neke žene žele imati spolni odnos tijekom trudnoće i to je također u redu. Ono što treba prestati je da društvo govori ženama što smiju i što ne smiju sa svojim tijelima.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
Pregnant women are not faceless, identity-less vessels of reproduction who can't stand on their own two feet. But the truth is, the real secret is, we tell all women that their sexual pleasure doesn't matter. We refuse to even acknowledge that women who have sex with women or women who don't want children even exist.
Trudne žene nisu bezlične posude bez identiteta za reprodukciju, koje ne mogu stajati na vlastitim nogama. Ali istina je, prava tajna je da govorimo svim ženama kako njihov seksualni užitak nije važan. Odbijamo priznati da žene koje imaju spolni odnos s drugim ženama ili žene koje ne žele djecu, uopće postoje.
"Oh, it's just a phase ...
"Oh, to je samo faza...
she just needs the right man to come along."
samo treba pravog muškarca da se pronađe."
Every time a woman has sex simply because it feels good, it is revolutionary. She is revolutionary. She is pushing back against society's insistence that she exist simply for men's pleasure or for reproduction. A woman who prioritizes her sexual needs is scary, because a woman who prioritizes her sexual needs prioritizes herself.
Svaki put kad žena želi seks jednostavno zato što pruža dobar osjećaj, to je revolucionarno. Ona je revolucionarna. Ona odgurava ustrajanja društva da postoji jednostavno radi muškog užitka ili reprodukcije. Žena koja prioritizira svoje seksualne potrebe plaši, jer žena koja daje prednost svojim seksualnim potrebama daje prednost sebi.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
That is a woman demanding that she be treated as an equal. That is a woman who insists that you make room for her at the table of power, and that is the most terrifying of all because we can't make room for her without some of us giving up the extra space we hold.
To je žena koja zahtijeva da je se tretira jednako. To je žena koja inzistira da napravite mjesta za nju za stolom moći i to je najstrašnije od svega, jer ne možemo napraviti mjesta za nju bez da se neki od nas ne odreknu dodatnog mjesta kojeg posjeduju.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
I have one last secret for you. I am the mother of two boys and we could use your help. Even though my boys hear me say regularly that it's important for men to recognize women as equals and they see their father modeling this, we need what happens in the world to reinforce what happens in our home. This is not a men's problem or a women's problem. This is everyone's problem, and we all play a role in dismantling systems of inequality. For starters, we have got to stop telling women what they can and cannot do with their bodies.
Imam još jednu posljednju tajnu za vas. Majka sam dvojice dječaka i dobro bi nam došla vaša pomoć. Iako me moji dečki čuju da redovito govorim kako je važno da muškarci prepoznaju žene kao jednake i vide svog oca kako vlastitim primjerom to pokazuje, trebamo događaje u svijetu da ojačamo događaje u našem domu. To nije muški problem ili ženski problem. To je svačiji problem i svi igramo ulogu u rastavljanju sustava nejednakosti. Za početak, trebamo prestati govoriti ženama što smiju i što ne smiju sa svojim tijelima.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
This includes not treating pregnant women like community property. If you don't know her, don't even ask to touch her belly. You wouldn't anybody else. Don't tell her what she can and cannot eat. Don't ask her private details about her medical decisions. This also includes understanding that even if you are personally against abortion, you can still fight for a woman's right to choose. When it comes to women's equality, the two need not oppose one another. If you're somebody who has sex with women, prioritize her pleasure. If you don't know how, ask. If you have children --
To uključuje da ne tretiramo žene kao da su društveno vlasništvo. Ako je ne poznajete, ni ne pitajte da joj dotaknete trbuh. Ne biste pitali ni ikog drugog. Ne govorite joj što smije ili ne smije jesti. Ne pitajte je o osobnim detaljima njenih medicinskih odluka. Ovo također uključuje razumijevanje da iako osobno jeste protiv pobačaja, svejedno se možete boriti za ženino pravo na izbor. Kada je riječ o jednakosti žena, one se ne moraju međusobno suprotstavljati. Ako imate spolni odnos sa ženama, dajte prednost njenom užitku. Ako ne znate kako, pitajte. Ako imate djece --
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
have conversations about sex as early as possible, because kids don't look up s-e-x in the dictionary anymore. They look it up on the internet. And when you're having those conversations about sex, don't center them on reproduction only. People have sex for many reasons, some because they want a baby, but most of us have sex because it feels good. Admit it.
razgovarajte o spolnom odnosu što ranije, jer djeca više ne traže s-e-k-s u rječniku. Traže na internetu. I kad imate ove razgovore o spolnom odnosu, ne usmjeravajte ih samo na reprodukciju. Ljudi imaju spolni odnos iz mnogo razloga, neki jer žele dijete, ali većina nas ima spolni odnos jer pruža dobar osjećaj. Priznajte.
And regardless of whether you have children or not, support comprehensive sex education that doesn't shame our teenagers.
I bez obzira na to imate li djecu ili ne, podržite cjelovito seksualno obrazovanje koje ne posramljuje tinejdžere.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
Nothing positive comes from shaming teens for their sexual desires, behaviors, other than positive STD and pregnancy tests.
Ništa pozitivno ne može izaći iz posramljivanja tinejdžera zbog njihovih seksualnih želja, ponašanja, osim pozitivnog testa na spolno prenosive bolesti i trudnoću.
Every single day, we are all given the opportunity to disrupt patterns of inequality. I think we can all agree that it's worth the trouble to do so.
Svakog dana imamo priliku da prekinemo obrasce nejednakosti. Mislim da se svi možemo složiti da je vrijedno nevolja to i učiniti.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)