I'd like to do pretty much what I did the first time, which is to choose a lighthearted theme. Last time, I talked about death and dying.
我想和第一次一樣 挑個輕鬆的話題 上次我談論生與死
(Laughter)
這次要談談精神疾病
This time, I'm going to talk about mental illness.
(Laughter)
But it has to be technological, so I'll talk about electroshock therapy.
為著重技術面 我選擇談電擊療法 (笑聲)
(Laughter)
各位知道,自從人類最早發現
You know, ever since man had any notion that some of his other people, his colleagues, could be different, could be strange, could be severely depressed or what we now recognize as schizophrenia, he was certain that this kind of illness had to come from evil spirits getting into the body. So the way of treating these diseases in early times was to, in some way or other, exorcise those evil spirits. And this is still going on, as you know.
身邊有些人,同僚等等 可能和自己不同、行徑怪異,或嚴重憂鬱 或是現在所謂的精神分裂症 就斷定這種疾病 一定是惡魔邪靈附身 若要加以醫治 在早期,是使用各種方法 驅邪除魔,至今仍是如此,誠如各位所知
But it wasn't enough to use the priests. When medicine became somewhat scientific, in about 450 BC, with Hippocrates and those boys, they tried to look for herbs, plants that would literally shake the bad spirits out. So they found certain plants that could cause convulsions. And the herbals, the botanical books of up to the late Middle Ages, the Renaissance, are filled with prescriptions for causing convulsions to shake the evil spirits out.
但是祭司的療癒力量有限 西元450年左右,醫學發展成為科學 醫學之父希波克拉底和他的學生 開始研究各種藥草、植物 找出能有效將邪魔驅除於人體之外的藥方 他們發現某些植物會導致人體抽搐 各種《草藥集》,涵蓋截至中世紀晚期 即文藝復興時期的植物書籍 記載許多誘發抽搐,來驅除邪靈的處方
Finally, in about the 16th century, a physician whose name was Theophrastus Bombastus Aureolus von Hohenheim -- called Paracelsus, a name probably familiar to some people here --
最後,到了大約16世紀 一位名為霍因罕(Theophrastus Bombast von Hohenheim) 的醫生 又名帕拉切爾蘇斯(Paracelsus) ,在座可能有人知道
(Laughter)
(笑聲) 老頑固帕拉切爾蘇斯
good old Paracelsus -- found that he could predict the degree of convulsion by using a measured amount of camphor to produce the convulsion. Can you imagine going to your closet, pulling out a mothball and chewing on it if you're feeling depressed? It's better than Prozac, but I wouldn't recommend it.
發現他能預測抽搐程度 他利用定量的樟腦,誘發人體抽搐 你能想像,打開衣櫃,取出一顆樟腦丸 嚼食它,來緩解你的憂鬱嗎? 效果比百憂解好,不過我可不建議這麼做
(Laughter)
發展到17、18世紀
So, what we see in the 17th, 18th century is the continued search for medications other than camphor that'll do the trick. Well, along comes Benjamin Franklin, and he comes close to convulsing himself with a bolt of electricity off the end of his kite. And so people begin thinking in terms of electricity to produce convulsions.
人類繼續尋找樟腦以外的療方 這時出現了班傑明‧富蘭克林 他幾乎導致自己的身體抽搐 當時是透過風箏傳導下來的雷電電流 所以人們開始思考如何用電流引發抽搐
And then we fast-forward to about 1932, when three Italian psychiatrists who were largely treating depression began to notice among their patients, who were also epileptics, that if they had a series of epileptic fits, a lot of them in a row -- the depression would very frequently lift. Not only would it lift, but it might never return. So they got very interested in producing convulsions, measured types of convulsions.
到了1932年左右 有三位主治憂鬱症的義大利醫生 觀察同時患有憂鬱症和癲癇症的病人 發現這些病人癲癇症發作之後 連續發作多次後,憂鬱症會相對減輕 不但減輕,有時甚至完全根治 所以他們很熱中研究如何誘發抽搐 控制抽搐的程度
And they thought, "Well, we've got electricity, we'll plug somebody into the wall. That always makes hair stand up and people shake a lot." So they tried it on a few pigs, and none of the pigs were killed. So they went to the police and they said, "We know that at the Rome railroad station, there are all these lost souls wandering around, muttering gibberish. Can you bring one of them to us?" Someone who is, as the Italians say, "gagootz." So they found this "gagootz" guy, a 39-year-old man who was really hopelessly schizophrenic, who was known, had been known for months, to be literally defecating on himself, talking nothing that made any sense, and they brought him into the hospital. So these three psychiatrists, after about two or three weeks of observation, laid him down on a table, connected his temples to a very small source of current. They thought, "Well, we'll try 55 volts, two-tenths of a second. That's not going to do anything terrible to him." So they did that.
他們想:「我們有電源,何不把身體通電試試看?」 「身體觸電會毛髮直豎、渾身顫抖」 他們用豬做電擊實驗,所有的豬都活了下來 他們就跑去跟警察說 「我們知道在羅馬火車站,」 「有許多徘徊的流浪漢,」 「成天瘋言瘋語, 可不可以帶一個來參加我們的實驗?」 就是義大利人所謂的腦袋秀逗 於是他們找到一個腦袋秀逗的男子 一個嚴重精神分裂的39歲男子 大家都知道他已經好幾個月 經常在自己身上大小便 整天胡言亂語 於是他被帶到醫院 交給這三名醫生,經過兩三週的觀察 醫師讓他平躺在病床上 將兩邊太陽穴連接微量電流 他們想:「先試55伏特、1/5秒,」 「應該不會造成傷害。」 於是他們就這麼做
Well, I have the following from a firsthand observer, who told me this about 35 years ago, when I was thinking about these things for some research project of mine. He said, "This fellow" -- remember, he wasn't even put to sleep -- "after this major grand mal convulsion, sat right up, looked at these three fellas and said, 'What the fuck are you assholes trying to do?'"
以下是第一線觀察員告訴我的 他告訴我的時候大約是35年前 當時我正在思索這些電擊實驗 做為我研究計畫的參考 觀察員說:「這個流浪漢,」(記得嗎?他當時是清醒的) 「這次大發作抽筋完後,」 「站起身來,瞪著三位醫生,大罵: 『你們這些混帳,在我身上亂搞什麼?』 (笑聲)
(Laughter) If I could only say that in Italian.
可惜我不會用義大利文講給各位聽
(Laughter)
醫生們非常開心,因為這個流浪漢
Well, they were happy as could be, because he hadn't said a rational word in the weeks of observation.
在觀察期一句合邏輯的話也沒說過
(Laughter)
於是他們再度把他的身體通電
So they plugged him in again, and this time, they used 110 volts for half a second. And to their amazement, after it was over, he began speaking like he was perfectly well. He relapsed a little bit, they gave him a series of treatments, and he was essentially cured. But of course, having schizophrenia, within a few months, it returned.
這次通110伏特,持續半秒鐘 他們高興地發現,電擊以後 流浪漢居然開始正常說話 偶爾復發,醫生就給他一連串的治療 結果他被治好了 當然,因為他患的是精神分裂症 幾個月後,他又再度患病了
But they wrote a paper about this, and everybody in the western world began using electricity to convulse people who were either schizophrenic or severely depressed. It didn't work very well on the schizophrenics, but it was pretty clear in the '30s and by the middle of the '40s that electroconvulsive therapy was very, very effective in the treatment of depression.
但是醫生們做出一篇研究報告 西方醫學界便開始利用電擊 誘發精神分裂症或重度憂鬱症患者的身體抽搐 療效對精神分裂症患者並不理想 但30年代至40年代中,很明顯地 電擊療法對憂鬱症的療效 非常顯著
And of course, in those days, there were no antidepressant drugs, and it became very, very popular. They would anesthetize people, convulse them ... But the real difficulty was that there was no way to paralyze muscles. So people would have a real grand mal seizure. Bones were broken; especially in old, fragile people, you couldn't use it. And then in the late 1950s, the so-called "muscle relaxants" were developed by pharmacologists, and it got so that you could induce a complete convulsion, an electroencephalographic convulsion -- you could see it on the brain waves -- without causing any convulsion in the body except a little bit of twitching of the toes. So again, it was very, very popular and very, very useful.
而且當時還沒有發明抗憂鬱藥 所以當時很流行 將病人麻醉 施予電擊,但是真正的困難是 因為當時無法抑制肌肉的抽搐 因此電擊會導致病人真的癲癇大發作 骨頭斷裂,尤其是老弱的病人 並不適用電擊療法 1950年代末期,出現所謂的肌肉鬆弛劑 由藥理學家發明的 便可施予完整的電擊治療 即腦電圖(electroencephalographic)癲癇,會顯現在腦波中 但是身體不會痙攣,只有腳趾會稍微抽動 所以電擊療法變得非常普遍、有效
Well, you know, in the middle '60s, the first antidepressants came out. Tofranil was the first. In the late '70s, early '80s, there were others, and they were very effective. And patients' rights groups seemed to get very upset about the kinds of things that they would witness, so the whole idea of electroconvulsive, electroshock therapy disappeared, but has had a renaissance in the last 10 years. And the reason that it has had a renaissance is that probably about 10 percent of the people, severe depressives, do not respond, regardless of what is done for them.
各位知道,到了60年代中期 首度發明抗憂鬱劑,當時最早是妥富腦 (Tofranil) 70、80年代出現其他抗憂鬱藥物 效果都很好 加上當時病患權益團體非常不滿 抗議他們所目睹的一些電擊治療情形 因此醫界停用電擊療法 直到近10年才又恢復使用 原因是 大約有1/10的病患,重度憂鬱患者 對什麼治療都沒有反應
Now why am I telling you this story at this meeting? I'm telling you this story because, actually, ever since Richard called me and asked me to talk about -- as he asked all of his speakers -- to talk about something that would be new to this audience that we had never talked about, never written about. I've been planning this moment. This reason really is that I am a man who, almost 30 years ago, had his life saved by two long courses of electroshock therapy. And let me tell you this story.
我為什麼要在此分享這個故事呢? 我告訴大家這個故事,其實是因為 理查打電話給我,邀我來演講 他對所有講者的一貫要求 是希望我能帶給聽眾新思維 談論史無前例的議題 我一直期待準備這一刻 因為30年前左右 我的命是兩段電擊療程救回來的 所以我想分享這個故事
I was, in the 1960s, in a marriage. To use the word "bad" would be perhaps the understatement of the year. It was dreadful. There are, I'm sure, enough divorced people in this room to know about the hostility, the anger, who knows what. Being someone who had had a very difficult childhood, a very difficult adolescence -- it had to do with not quite poverty, but close. It had to do with being brought up in a family where no one spoke English, no one could read or write English. It had to do with death and disease and lots of other things. I was a little prone to depression.
在1960年代,我身陷糟糕的婚姻 「糟糕」根本不足以形容 簡直是一場磨難 我相信在座也有些離婚人士 知道那種敵意、憤怒,無盡的折磨 我有個不堪的童年 青少年時期也不好過 雖不貧賤,亦不遠矣 我們全家沒有人會說英語 也不會讀寫英文 又遭逢親人病、死,和其他的苦難 我經常憂鬱
So, as things got worse, as we really began to hate each other, I became progressively depressed over a period of a couple of years trying to save this marriage, which was inevitably not to be saved. Finally, I would schedule -- all my major surgical cases, I was scheduling them for 12, one o'clock in the afternoon, because I couldn't get out of bed before about 11 o'clock. Anybody who's been depressed here knows what that's like. I couldn't even pull the covers off myself.
所以當情況越來越糟,我們開始彼此憎恨 有幾年我的憂鬱症變得日益嚴重 試圖挽救破裂的婚姻 但終究是回天乏術 後來,我所有的病患手術,都得安排在 中午12點或下午1點才開始 因為我根本沒辦法在11點以前下床 在座有得過憂鬱症的人才會了解那種情形 我連掀開棉被的力氣都沒有
Well, you're in a university medical center, where everybody knows everybody. And it's perfectly clear to my colleagues, so my referrals began to decrease. As my referrals began to decrease, I clearly became increasingly depressed, until I thought, "My God, I can't work anymore." And, in fact, it didn't make any difference, because I didn't have any patients anymore.
當時我是在大學附設醫院 大家都很熟,同事們很清楚我的情況 所以我的轉介病患越來越少 當我的手術病患數量銳減 更加劇了我的憂鬱症 直到我發覺,天哪,我沒辦法工作了 事實上也沒什麼差別 因為當時我已經沒有任何病患了
So, with the advice of my physician, I had myself admitted to the acute care psychiatric unit of our university hospital. And my colleagues, who had known me since medical school, in that place, said, "Don't worry, Shep. Six weeks, you're back in the operating room. Everything's going to be great." Well, you know what bovine stercus is? That proved to be a lot of bovine stercus.
所以,我接受我的醫師建議 住進了我們大學醫院的精神科急性監護病房 當時,從醫學院唸書就認識我的同事們 給我打氣說:「放心,只要短短六週,」 「你就可以回手術室操刀了,一切都會很順利」 你知道英文的「bovine stercus (牛糞)」是什麼意思嗎? 那些安慰話根本是牛糞,一派胡言
(Laughter)
I know some people who got tenure in that place with lies like that.
那裡有些終身職教授都會扯這種謊言
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
(Laughter and applause)
So I was one of their failures.
我是他們謊言的活證
But it wasn't that simple, because by the time I got out of that unit, I was not functional at all. I could hardly see five feet in front of myself. I shuffled when I walked. I was bowed over. I rarely bathed. I sometimes didn't shave. It was dreadful. And it was clear -- not to me, because nothing was clear to me at that time anymore -- that I would need long-term hospitalization in that awful place called a "mental hospital."
狀況根本沒那麼單純,因為後來 我出院時,完全沒有行為能力 連眼前一公尺半以外都看不到 走路步履蹣跚,彎腰駝背 很少洗澡,不刮鬍子,邋遢不堪 我的狀況很明顯--只是我自己不知道 當時我什麼也不知道-- 我很顯然需要長期住院 住進精神療養院這個糟糕的地方
So I was admitted, in the spring of 1973, to the Institute of Living, which used to be called the Hartford Retreat. It was founded in the 18th century, the largest psychiatric hospital in the state of Connecticut, other than the huge public hospitals that existed at that time. And they tried everything they had.
所以1973年春,我住進了精神療養院 住進安生機構(Institute of Living),本來是哈特福特安養院 該院成立於18世紀 是康乃狄克州最大的精神病院 僅次於大型公立醫院 在當時來說
They tried the usual psychotherapy. They tried every medication available in those days. And they did have Tofranil and other things -- Mellaril, who knows what. Nothing happened except that I got jaundiced from one of these things. And finally, because I was well-known in Connecticut, they decided they better have a meeting of the senior staff. All the senior staff got together, and I later found out what happened.
住進療養院以後,醫師們試過所有的療法 他們試過一般的心理治療 開過當時所有的憂鬱症藥物 包括妥富腦、美力廉(Mellaril) ,還有其他各式各樣的藥 除了害我得黃疸病,病情一點也沒好轉 最後,因為我在康州的名氣 他們為我召開資深醫師會診 召集所有資深醫護人員,我後來才知道內情
They put all their heads together, and they decided that there was nothing that could be done for this surgeon who had essentially separated himself from the world, who by that time had become so overwhelmed, not just with depression and feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, but with obsessional thinking, obsessional thinking about coincidences. And there were particular numbers that every time I saw them, just got me dreadfully upset, all kinds of ritualistic observances ... just awful, awful stuff. Remember when you were a kid, and you had to step on every line? Well, I was a grown man who had all of these rituals, and it got so there was a throbbing, there was a ferocious fear in my head. You've seen this painting by Edvard Munch, "The Scream." Every moment was a scream; it was impossible.
他們集思廣益的結論是 我已經無藥可醫 他們認為我已經完全自我封閉 被完全擊垮 不只是憂鬱及感覺 毫無自我價值和無能 還有強迫性思考 滿腦子不停地想著各種巧合 每次看到某些特定數字 我都會非常苦惱。還有各種怪癖 簡直糟糕透了 記得小時候走路,地上每條線你都想踩嗎? 我當時已經是成人了,還是有很多怪癖 整個腦子被強烈的恐懼感攫獲 大家看過孟克的畫作《吶喊》吧? 這「吶喊」的意象無時不刻在我腦子裡轟轟作響
So they decided there was no therapy, there was no treatment. But there was one treatment, which actually had been pioneered at the Hartford Hospital in the early 1940s, and you can imagine what it was: it was prefrontal lobotomy.
我病入膏肓,醫師們束手無策 百藥難醫,只剩一個辦法 1940年代早期這家醫院率先採用這種療法 大家猜得到,就是腦前額葉切除術
(Imitates a popping sound) So they decided -- I didn't know this, again, I found this out later -- that the only thing that could be done was for this 43-year-old man to have a prefrontal lobotomy.
所以他們決定 後來我才知道 唯一的希望 就是給這個43歲的老男人
Well, as in all hospitals, there was a resident assigned to my case. He was 27 years old, and he would meet with me two or three times a week. And of course, I had been there, what, three or four months at the time. He asked to meet with the senior staff, and they agreed to meet with him, because he was very well thought of in that place. They thought he had a really extraordinary future.
做腦前額葉切除術 就像所有醫院的做法 他們指派一位住院醫師給我,年方27 我每週給他看診2、3次 當時我已經在那裡住院3、4個月了 他也跟資深醫護人員會診 大家都公認他是個好醫生 認為他前途無量
And he dug in his heels and said, "No. I know this man better than any of you. I have met with him over and over again. You've just seen him from time to time. You've read reports and so forth. I really honestly believe that the basic problem here is pure depression, and all of the obsessional thinking comes out of it. And you know, of course, what'll happen if you do a prefrontal lobotomy. Any of the results along the spectrum, from pretty bad to terrible, terrible, terrible, is going to happen. If he does the best he can, he will have no further obsessions, probably no depression, but his affect will be dulled, he will never go back to surgery, he will never be the loving father that he was to his two children, his life will be changed. If he has the usual result, he'll end up like 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.' And you know about that, just essentially in a stupor the rest of his life."
他很堅持的說: 「不行。我比各位更清楚他的病情,我們經常相處。」 「各位只是偶爾探視他,看醫療報告。」 「我堅信他的問題是單純憂鬱症,」 「及伴隨的強迫性思考。」 「各位也知道進行前額葉切除術的後果,」 「什麼都有可能發生,」 「從不佳到不堪設想都有可能,」 「如果手術很成功,康復狀況良好,」 「他將不再有強迫性思考,」 「憂鬱症也可能治好,但是他的情感會變遲鈍。」 「他可能再也無法當外科醫生,」 「或是兩個孩子的慈父。」 「他的人生將從此改變。如果是常見的手術結果,」 「他會像《飛越杜鵑窩》 一樣,」 「終生癡呆恍惚。」
"Well," he said, "can't we try a course of electroshock therapy?" And you know why they agreed? They agreed to humor him. They just thought, "Well, we'll give a course of 10. So we'll lose a little time. Big deal. It doesn't make any difference." So they gave the course of 10, and the first -- the usual course, incidentally, was six to eight, and still is six to eight -- plugged me into the wires, put me to sleep, gave me the muscle relaxant. Six didn't work. Seven didn't work. Eight didn't work. At nine, I noticed -- it's wonderful that I could notice anything -- I noticed a change. And at 10, I noticed a real change.
「難道我們不能試一個電擊療程嗎?」 他們不想和他爭執,所以才同意 他們想:「就試個10次吧。」 「只是浪費一點時間,反正也沒差。」 所以他們就給我10次電療 第一個療程通常做6到8次 現在還是 於是他們幫我貼導電片、麻醉、鬆弛肌肉 6次不見效果,7次也沒有效 8次還是無效。到了第9次,我感覺到 (能自己感覺到真好) 我開始感覺到變化。第10次,我才感到真正的不同 於是我的醫生又向他們要求再做一套10次療程
And he went back to them, and they agreed to do another 10. Again, not a single one of them -- I think there are about seven or eight of them -- thought this would do any good. They thought this was a temporary change. But, lo and behold, by 16, by 17, there were demonstrable differences in the way I felt. By 18 and 19, I was sleeping through the night. And by 20, I had the sense, I really had the sense, that I could overcome this, that I was now strong enough that by an act of will, I could blow the obsessional thinking away. I could blow the depression away.
這群醫生中還是沒有人相信 他們大概有7、8位 都不相信電療,認為只會暫時改善 結果跌破大家眼鏡,做完第16、17次 我的感覺已經有明顯的差異 做完第18、19次,我已經可以安睡到天亮了 第20次做完,我真的感覺 自己可以戰勝憂鬱症 我已經變得很堅強,可以靠意志力 掃除強迫性思考 告別憂鬱
And I've never forgotten -- I never will forget -- standing in the kitchen of the unit -- it was a Sunday morning in January of 1974 -- standing in the kitchen by myself and thinking, "I've got the strength now to do this." It was as though those tightly coiled wires in my head had been disconnected, and I could think clearly. But I need a formula. I need some thing to say to myself when I begin thinking obsessionally, obsessively. Well, the Gilbert and Sullivan fans in this room will remember "Ruddigore," and they will remember Mad Margaret, and they will remember that she was married to a fella named Sir Despard Murgatroyd. And she used to go nuts every five minutes or so in the play. And he said to her, "We must have a word to bring you back to reality, and the word, my dear, will be 'Basingstoke.'" So every time she got a little nuts, he would say, "Basingstoke!" And she would say, "Basingstoke, it is!" And she'd be fine for a little while.
我永遠也忘不了 站在療養院的廚房 1974年1月的星期天早晨 獨自站在那裡,心想:「我現在有康復的力量了。」 彷彿我腦中那些固著的電路被拆除了 我可以清晰地思考 但是我需要一個方法,一句提醒自己的話 以防我再陷入強迫性思考 在座的蘇利文與吉柏特迷 會記得歌劇《Ruddigore》 和瘋狂瑪格麗特 會記得她是嫁給 德斯帕德爵士 劇中瑪格麗特每5分鐘就會發狂 丈夫對她說:「我們得想個密語,把妳拉回現實。」 那個字就是「貝辛斯托克」 所以每次她一開始發瘋 他就會喊:「貝辛斯托克!」
(Laughter)
她就回答:「就貝辛斯托克吧!」然後恢復正常
Well, you know, I'm from the Bronx. I can't say "Basingstoke."
我來自布隆克斯,不能說「貝辛斯托克」
(Laughter)
所以想出更簡單的密語
But I had something better. And it was very simple. It was, "Ah, fuck it!"
就是「哎,去他的!」
(Laughter)
(笑聲) 比「貝辛斯托克」好多了
Much better than "Basingstoke," at least for me. And it worked! My God, it worked. Every time I would begin thinking obsessionally -- again, once more, after 20 shock treatments -- I would say, "Ah, fuck it." And things got better and better, and within three or four months, I was discharged from that hospital. I joined a group of surgeons, where I could work with other people, in a community, not in New Haven, but fairly close by. I stayed there for three years.
至少對我來說,而且真的管用 只要我又開始強迫性思考 歷經20次電療之後 我就會自己喊:「哎,去他的!」 我的狀況越來越好 3、4個月以後 我出院,加入一個外科醫師團體 我可以和他人共事 在康州紐哈芬市附近的一個社區 我在那裡待了三年
At the end of three years, I went back to New Haven, had remarried by that time. I brought my wife with me, actually, to make sure I could get through this. My children came back to live with us. We had two more children after that. Resuscitated the career, even better than it had been before. Went right back into the university and began to write books. Well, you know, it's been a wonderful life. It's been, as I said, close to 30 years. I stopped doing surgery about six years ago and became a full-time writer, as many people know. But it's been very exciting. It's been very happy. Every once in a while, I have to say, "Ah, fuck it." Every once in a while, I get somewhat depressed and a little obsessional. So, I'm not free of all of this. But it's worked. It's always worked.
之後,我回到紐哈芬市 當時我已經再婚 所以帶太太一起去,幫助我繼續康復 我的孩子也搬來同住 之後我們又生了兩個小孩 我又回到工作崗位,表現比以前更好 我馬上回到大學任教 並且開始寫書 到現在生活一直都過得很好 如我先前說過,至今已經30年了 我大約6年前停止為病患手術 許多人知道,我從此開始全職寫作 我覺得非常興奮快樂 偶爾,我還是得提醒自己:「哎,去他的!」 偶爾,還是會憂鬱和強迫性思考 並沒有完全根治,但是電療確實有效
Why have I chosen, after never, ever talking about this, to talk about it now? Well, those of you who know some of these books know that one is about death and dying, one is about the human body and the human spirit, one is about the way mystical thoughts are constantly in our minds. And they have always to do with my own personal experiences. One might think reading these books -- and I've gotten thousands of letters about them by people who do think this -- that, based on my life's history as I portray it in the books, my early life's history, I am someone who has overcome adversity, that I am someone who has drunk -- drank? -- drunk of the bitter dregs of near-disaster in childhood and emerged not just unscathed but strengthened. I really have it figured out so that I can advise people about death and dying, so that I can talk about mysticism and the human spirit.
為什麼避談這個話題這麼多年以後,我現在選擇談論它? 在座如果有我的讀者 應該知道我寫過一本探討生死的書 一本探討人的身體和心靈 一本則是探討我們腦中不斷浮現的神秘思緒 都是由我個人的親身經歷而來的心得 有些讀者可能會認為 從我成千上萬封讀者來信 讀者認為 從我在書中分享的個人生命史看來 我是個從苦難中熬出頭的人 我曾歷經艱辛 童年嚐盡不幸的苦楚 逆境沒有打倒我,反倒使我更堅強 我已真正開悟,可以跟大家分享 如何面對生死,也可以談論神秘與心靈
And I've always felt guilty about that. I've always felt that somehow I was an impostor, because my readers don't know what I have just told you. It's known by some people in New Haven, obviously, but it is not generally known. So one of the reasons that I have come here to talk about this today is to -- frankly, selfishly -- unburden myself and let it be known that this is not an untroubled mind that has written all of these books.
以往我一直覺得心虛 覺得自己像個騙子 因為讀者並不知道我今天說的故事 當然,紐哈芬市有些人知道 但是一般大眾並不知道 所以今天我分享這故事的原因之一 其實是自私的 想解除心理的負擔,讓大眾知道我的往事 知道這些書的作者,也有著困厄的心靈
But more importantly, I think, is the fact that a very significant proportion of people in this audience are under 30, and there are many, of course, who are well over 30. For people under 30, and it looks to me like almost all of you, I would say all of you, are either on the cusp of a magnificent and exciting career or right into a magnificent and exciting career: anything can happen to you. Things change. Accidents happen. Something from childhood comes back to haunt you. You can be thrown off the track. I hope it happens to none of you, but it will probably happen to a small percentage of you. To those to whom it doesn't happen, there will be adversities. If I, with the bleakness of spirit -- with no spirit -- that I had in the 1970s, and no possibility of recovery as far as that group of very experienced psychiatrists thought, if I can find my way back from this, believe me, anybody can find their way back from any adversity that exists in their lives.
最重要的是 在座有許多人 年紀還不滿30 當然也有許多人早就超過30歲 在我看來,現場的年輕人 每一位年輕人 正值令人興奮的美好生涯尖峰 或是即將邁入美好的生涯 任何事都可能發生在你身上,世事無常 人有旦夕禍福,童年記憶可能回來糾纏你 使你困頓茫然 我希望你們不會有這種經歷 但是少部分人還是會遇到 即使不遇到這種經歷,也會有其他的人生逆境 假如連我這個希望渺茫 1970年當時根本全然絕望的靈魂 不可能康復 至少那群資深精神科醫師這麼認為 如果連我都能熬過黑暗 相信我,任何人都可以找回自我 克服生活中的任何逆境
And for those who are older, who have lived through perhaps not something as bad as this, but who have lived through difficult times, perhaps where they lost everything, as I did, and started out all over again: some of these things will seem very familiar. There is recovery. There is redemption. And there is resurrection. There are resurrection themes in every society that has ever been studied, and it is because not just only do we fantasize about the possibility of resurrection and recovery, but it actually happens. And it happens a lot.
年長的聽眾 也許你的故事並沒有這麼艱苦 但也經歷過風風雨雨 或許曾經失去所有,就像我一樣 一切重頭來過,這個故事你可能很熟悉 你絕對可以康復 得到救贖、重獲新生 每個社會都有重獲新生的故事 這是因為我們不僅是幻想 重生與康復的可能性 確實會發生,而且多有所聞
Perhaps the most popular resurrection theme, outside of specifically religious ones, is the one about the phoenix, the ancient story of the phoenix, who, every 500 years, resurrects itself from its own ashes to go on to live a life that is even more beautiful than it was before.
或許最常聽到的重生故事 除了宗教事蹟以外 就是有關鳳凰的古老神話 每500年,牠會從自己的灰燼中浴火重生 展開全新的生命 更加美好的新生命
Richard, thanks very much.
理查,非常謝謝你