I'd like to do pretty much what I did the first time, which is to choose a lighthearted theme. Last time, I talked about death and dying.
Volio bih učiniti otprilike isto što sam učinio i prvi put, što je bilo izabrati laganu temu. Prošli put, govorio sam o smrti i umiranju.
(Laughter)
Ovaj put, govorit ću o psihičkim bolestima.
This time, I'm going to talk about mental illness.
(Laughter)
But it has to be technological, so I'll talk about electroshock therapy.
Ali mora biti tehnološko, tako da ću pričati o terapiji elektrošokovima. (Smijeh)
(Laughter)
Znate, otkad je čovjek primjetio
You know, ever since man had any notion that some of his other people, his colleagues, could be different, could be strange, could be severely depressed or what we now recognize as schizophrenia, he was certain that this kind of illness had to come from evil spirits getting into the body. So the way of treating these diseases in early times was to, in some way or other, exorcise those evil spirits. And this is still going on, as you know.
da bi neki od njegovih ljudi, njegovih kolega, mogli biti drugačiji, mogli biti čudni, mogli biti strašno depresivni ili imati ono što danas prepoznajemo kao shizofreniju, bio je siguran da su ovakve vrste bolesti morale doći od zlih duhova koji su ušli u tijelo. Tako da je način liječenja ovakvih bolesti u ranim vremenima bio, na jedan način ili drugi, istjerivanje tih zlih duhova, a to se još nastavlja, kao što znate.
But it wasn't enough to use the priests. When medicine became somewhat scientific, in about 450 BC, with Hippocrates and those boys, they tried to look for herbs, plants that would literally shake the bad spirits out. So they found certain plants that could cause convulsions. And the herbals, the botanical books of up to the late Middle Ages, the Renaissance, are filled with prescriptions for causing convulsions to shake the evil spirits out.
Ali nije bilo dovoljno koristiti svećenike. Kada je medicina postala donekle znanstvena, otprilike 450 g. pr. Kr., sa Hipokratom i ostalim dečkima, pokušali su potražiti bilje, biljke koje bi doslovno istresle van zle duhove. Tako su pronašli određene biljke koje bi mogle uzrokovati grčeve. I knjige botanike do kasnog srednjeg vijeka, renesanse pune su recepata za uzrokovanje grčeva koji će istresti zle duhove.
Finally, in about the 16th century, a physician whose name was Theophrastus Bombastus Aureolus von Hohenheim -- called Paracelsus, a name probably familiar to some people here --
Konačno u otprilike šesnaestom stoljeću, liječnik čije je ime bilo Theophrastus Bombastus Aureolus von Hohenheim, zvan Paracelsus, ime vjerojatno poznato nekim ljudima ovdje –
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)—dobri stari Paracelsus
good old Paracelsus -- found that he could predict the degree of convulsion by using a measured amount of camphor to produce the convulsion. Can you imagine going to your closet, pulling out a mothball and chewing on it if you're feeling depressed? It's better than Prozac, but I wouldn't recommend it.
otkrio je da može predvidjeti stupanj grčenja korištenjem izmjerene količine kamfora za uzrokovanje grčeva. Možete li zamisliti da odlazite u svoj ormar, uzimate kuglice protiv moljaca, i žvačete ih ako se osjećate depresivno? Bolje je od Prozaca, ali ne bih vam to preporučio.
(Laughter)
Ono što vidimo u sedamnaestom, osamnaestom stoljeću jest
So, what we see in the 17th, 18th century is the continued search for medications other than camphor that'll do the trick. Well, along comes Benjamin Franklin, and he comes close to convulsing himself with a bolt of electricity off the end of his kite. And so people begin thinking in terms of electricity to produce convulsions.
neprestana potraga za lijekovima osim kamfora koji će postići taj cilj. Zatim dolazi Benjamin Franklin, koji i sam dolazi blizu grčeva zbog groma na drugom kraju uzice njegovgo zmaja. I tako su ljudi počeli koristiti elekricitet za uzrokovanje grčeva.
And then we fast-forward to about 1932, when three Italian psychiatrists who were largely treating depression began to notice among their patients, who were also epileptics, that if they had a series of epileptic fits, a lot of them in a row -- the depression would very frequently lift. Not only would it lift, but it might never return. So they got very interested in producing convulsions, measured types of convulsions.
Zatim ubrzavamo do otprilike 1932., kada trojica talijanskih psihijatara, koji su većinom liječili depresiju, primjećuju da kod njihovih pacijenata, koji su također i epileptičari, ako imaju epilepsiju – seriju epileptičnih napadaja, puno njih zaredom – depresija bi vrlo često nestala. Ne samo da bi nestala, nego se možda ne bi ni vratila. Tako da su se jako zainteresirali za uzrokovanje grčenja, izmjerenih vrsta grčeva.
And they thought, "Well, we've got electricity, we'll plug somebody into the wall. That always makes hair stand up and people shake a lot." So they tried it on a few pigs, and none of the pigs were killed. So they went to the police and they said, "We know that at the Rome railroad station, there are all these lost souls wandering around, muttering gibberish. Can you bring one of them to us?" Someone who is, as the Italians say, "gagootz." So they found this "gagootz" guy, a 39-year-old man who was really hopelessly schizophrenic, who was known, had been known for months, to be literally defecating on himself, talking nothing that made any sense, and they brought him into the hospital. So these three psychiatrists, after about two or three weeks of observation, laid him down on a table, connected his temples to a very small source of current. They thought, "Well, we'll try 55 volts, two-tenths of a second. That's not going to do anything terrible to him." So they did that.
I mislili su, „Imamo elektricitet, uključit ćemo nekoga u struju. To uvijek podiže kosu i ljudi se puno tresu.“ Pokušali su to na nekoliko svinja i nijedna svinja nije ubijena. Potom su otišli u policiju i rekli: „Znamo da na rimskoj željezničkoj stanici, postoje sve te izgubljene duše koje lutaju uokolo, mrmljaju besmislice. Možete li nam dovesti jednoga od njih?“ Nekoga tko je, kako Talijani kažu, „lud kao bundeva". Tako da su pronašli tog „ludog kao bundeva“ tipa, 39-godišnjeg čovjeka koji je doista bio beznadan šizofreničar, poznat da mjesecima doslovno prazni crijeva po sebi, da priča besmislice, i odveli su ga u bolnicu. Tako su ga ta tri psihijatra, nakon otprilike dva ili tri tjedna promatranja, polegli na stol i spojili njegove sljepoočnice na sasvim mali izvor struje. Mislili su: „Pokušat ćemo s 55 volti, dvije desetine sekunde. To čovjeku neće napraviti ništa strašno." Učinili su to.
Well, I have the following from a firsthand observer, who told me this about 35 years ago, when I was thinking about these things for some research project of mine. He said, "This fellow" -- remember, he wasn't even put to sleep -- "after this major grand mal convulsion, sat right up, looked at these three fellas and said, 'What the fuck are you assholes trying to do?'"
Ovo što ću vam reći doznao sam od promatrača iz prve ruke, koji mi je to ispričao prije 35 godina, kada sam razmišljao o ovim stvarima za jedan moj istraživački projekt. Rekao mi je, „Ovaj momak“ – zapamtite, nije bio čak ni uspavan – „nakon ovog velikog grčenja, sjeo je, pogledao te momke i rekao, 'Koji vrag vi gadovi pokušavate napraviti?'" (Smijeh)
(Laughter) If I could only say that in Italian.
Kad bih barem to mogao reći na talijanskom.
(Laughter)
Oni su bili jako sretni, jer nije izgovorio jednu smislenu riječ
Well, they were happy as could be, because he hadn't said a rational word in the weeks of observation.
tijekom tjedana promatranja.
(Laughter)
Tako da su ga ponovno uštekali,
So they plugged him in again, and this time, they used 110 volts for half a second. And to their amazement, after it was over, he began speaking like he was perfectly well. He relapsed a little bit, they gave him a series of treatments, and he was essentially cured. But of course, having schizophrenia, within a few months, it returned.
i ovaj put su koristili 110 volti po pola sekunde. I na njihovo oduševljenje, nakon što je završilo, počeo je pričati kao da je bio savršeno zdrav. Malo je povraćao, dali su mu seriju tretmana, i bio je u biti izliječen. Ali naravno, jer je imao šizofreniju, nakon par mjeseci, ona se vratila.
But they wrote a paper about this, and everybody in the western world began using electricity to convulse people who were either schizophrenic or severely depressed. It didn't work very well on the schizophrenics, but it was pretty clear in the '30s and by the middle of the '40s that electroconvulsive therapy was very, very effective in the treatment of depression.
Međutim, napisali su o tome rad i svi su u Zapadnom svijetu počeli koristiti elektricitet da potresu ljude koji su ili šizofreničari ili jako depresivni. Nije imalo preveliko djelovanje na šizofreničare, ali je bilo prilično jasno u tridesetima i do sredine četrdesetih da je elektrošok terapija vrlo, vrlo učinkovita u liječenju depresije.
And of course, in those days, there were no antidepressant drugs, and it became very, very popular. They would anesthetize people, convulse them ... But the real difficulty was that there was no way to paralyze muscles. So people would have a real grand mal seizure. Bones were broken; especially in old, fragile people, you couldn't use it. And then in the late 1950s, the so-called "muscle relaxants" were developed by pharmacologists, and it got so that you could induce a complete convulsion, an electroencephalographic convulsion -- you could see it on the brain waves -- without causing any convulsion in the body except a little bit of twitching of the toes. So again, it was very, very popular and very, very useful.
A naravno u tim danima nisu postojali antidepresivi, stoga je postala vrlo, vrlo popularna. Anestezirali bi ljude i potresli ih, ali stvarna poteškoća bila je u tome da nije postojao način da se paraliziraju mišići. Tako da bi ljudi imali veliki napadaj. Kosti bi se lomile. Osobito u starih, lomljivih ljudi, metoda se nije mogla koristiti. Zatim su u 1950-ima, kasnim 1950-ima, farmakolozi proizveli takozvane mišićne relaksante, i došlo je do toga da se moglo inducirati potpuno grčenje, elektroenefalografičnu grčenje – moglo ga se vidjeti u moždanim valovima – bez uzrokovanja grčeva u tijelu osim malih trzaja u nožnim prstima. Tako da je metoda ponovno bila vrlo, vrlo popularna i vrlo, vrlo korisna.
Well, you know, in the middle '60s, the first antidepressants came out. Tofranil was the first. In the late '70s, early '80s, there were others, and they were very effective. And patients' rights groups seemed to get very upset about the kinds of things that they would witness, so the whole idea of electroconvulsive, electroshock therapy disappeared, but has had a renaissance in the last 10 years. And the reason that it has had a renaissance is that probably about 10 percent of the people, severe depressives, do not respond, regardless of what is done for them.
Dakle, kao što znate, u ranim 60-ima izašli su prvi antidepresivi. Tofranil je bio prvi. U kasnim 70-ima, ranim 80-ima, postojali su ostali i bili su vrlo učinkoviti. I grupe za prava pacijenata činile su se uznemirenima kakvim stvarima su svjedočili. I tako je cijela ideja elektrokonvulzivne, elektrošok terapije nestala, ali je doživjela svoj preporod u zadnjih 10 godina. I razlog zašto je doživjela preporod jest taj da je vjerojatno oko 10 posto ljudi, jako depresivnih, nije reagiralo, bez obzira što se je učinilo.
Now why am I telling you this story at this meeting? I'm telling you this story because, actually, ever since Richard called me and asked me to talk about -- as he asked all of his speakers -- to talk about something that would be new to this audience that we had never talked about, never written about. I've been planning this moment. This reason really is that I am a man who, almost 30 years ago, had his life saved by two long courses of electroshock therapy. And let me tell you this story.
A sad, zašto vam pričam ovu priču na ovom sastanku? Pričam vam ovu priču zato što zapravo još otkad me je Richard nazvao i zamolio da pričam o ovome -- kako je pitao sve svoje govornike -- da pričam o nečemu što će biti novo publici, o čemu nikada nismo pričali, nikad nismo pisali, planirao sam ovaj trenutak. Taj razlog je zapravo to što sam ja čovjek kojemu je,prije skoro 30 godina, život spašen pomoću dvije dugačke terapije elektrošokovima. I dopustite mi da vam ispričam ovu priču.
I was, in the 1960s, in a marriage. To use the word "bad" would be perhaps the understatement of the year. It was dreadful. There are, I'm sure, enough divorced people in this room to know about the hostility, the anger, who knows what. Being someone who had had a very difficult childhood, a very difficult adolescence -- it had to do with not quite poverty, but close. It had to do with being brought up in a family where no one spoke English, no one could read or write English. It had to do with death and disease and lots of other things. I was a little prone to depression.
Bio sam oženjen 1960-ih. Koristiti riječ loše bilo bi podcjenjivanje. Bilo je očajno. Siguran sam, dosta razvedenih ljudi u ovoj sobi poznaje to neprijateljstvo, bijes, tko zna što. A kako sam imao jako teško djetinjstvo, jako tešku adolescenciju -- radi se o ne baš siromaštvu, ali bilo je blisko tome. Radi se o odgajanju u obitelji gdje nitko ne priča engleski, nitko nije mogao čitati ili pisati engleski. Radi se o smrti i bolesti i još mnogo drugih stvari. Malo sam bio sklon depresiji.
So, as things got worse, as we really began to hate each other, I became progressively depressed over a period of a couple of years trying to save this marriage, which was inevitably not to be saved. Finally, I would schedule -- all my major surgical cases, I was scheduling them for 12, one o'clock in the afternoon, because I couldn't get out of bed before about 11 o'clock. Anybody who's been depressed here knows what that's like. I couldn't even pull the covers off myself.
I kako su stvari postajale gore, kako smo se stvarno počinjali mrziti, postao sam progresivno depresivan u periodu od nekoliko godina, pokušavajući spasiti taj brak koji se nije mogao spasiti. Na kraju zakazivao bih -- sve svoje kirurške operacije, zakazivao sam ih u 12, jedan sat poslije podne zato što se nisam mogao ustati iz kreveta prije otprilike 11 sati. I svi ovdje koji su bili depresivni znaju kako je to. Nisam mogao ni pokrivače pomaknuti.
Well, you're in a university medical center, where everybody knows everybody. And it's perfectly clear to my colleagues, so my referrals began to decrease. As my referrals began to decrease, I clearly became increasingly depressed, until I thought, "My God, I can't work anymore." And, in fact, it didn't make any difference, because I didn't have any patients anymore.
A u sveučilišnom medicinskom centru gdje svi znaju svakoga mojim kolegama sve je postalo kristalno jasno tako da je moj status počeo opadati. Kako mi je dobar glas počeo opadati očigledno sam postao još više depresivan, sve dok nisam pomislio, moj Bože ne mogu više raditi. I zapravo se ništa nije promijenilo jer više nisam ni imao pacijente.
So, with the advice of my physician, I had myself admitted to the acute care psychiatric unit of our university hospital. And my colleagues, who had known me since medical school, in that place, said, "Don't worry, Shep. Six weeks, you're back in the operating room. Everything's going to be great." Well, you know what bovine stercus is? That proved to be a lot of bovine stercus.
Tako sam se uz savjet svoga liječnika, prijavio u psihijatrijsku jedinicu akutne brige u našoj sveučilišnoj bolnici. I moji kolege, koji me poznaju još od medicinske škole u tom mjestu, rekli su: „Ne brini, stari. Šest tjedana i vraćaš se u operacijsku salu. Sve će biti u redu.“ Pa znate što je goveđi izmet? Ispostavilo se da je to gomila goveđeg izmeta.
(Laughter)
I know some people who got tenure in that place with lies like that.
Znam ljude koji ostaju za stalno u tom mjestu s istim takvim lažima.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
(Laughter and applause)
So I was one of their failures.
Ja sam bio jedan od njihovih promašaja.
But it wasn't that simple, because by the time I got out of that unit, I was not functional at all. I could hardly see five feet in front of myself. I shuffled when I walked. I was bowed over. I rarely bathed. I sometimes didn't shave. It was dreadful. And it was clear -- not to me, because nothing was clear to me at that time anymore -- that I would need long-term hospitalization in that awful place called a "mental hospital."
Ali nije bilo tako jednostavno. Jer kada sam izašao iz jedinice, nisam mogao nikako funkcionirati. Jedva sam mogao vidjeti pet metara ispred sebe. Šepao sam dok sam hodao. Bio sam pognut. Rijetko sam se kupao. Nekada se nisam brijao. Bio sam grozan. I bilo je jasno -- ne meni jer mi ništa nije bilo jasno tada -- da mi treba duža hospitalizacija u tom groznom mjestu koje se zove psihijatrijska bolnica.
So I was admitted, in the spring of 1973, to the Institute of Living, which used to be called the Hartford Retreat. It was founded in the 18th century, the largest psychiatric hospital in the state of Connecticut, other than the huge public hospitals that existed at that time. And they tried everything they had.
Primljen sam 1973.godine, u proljeće 1973., u Institut življenja koji se prije zvao Hartford Retreat. Osnovana je u osamnaestom stoljeću, najveća psihijatrijska bolnica u državi Connecticut, među ostalim velikim bolnicama u to vrijeme.
They tried the usual psychotherapy. They tried every medication available in those days. And they did have Tofranil and other things -- Mellaril, who knows what. Nothing happened except that I got jaundiced from one of these things. And finally, because I was well-known in Connecticut, they decided they better have a meeting of the senior staff. All the senior staff got together, and I later found out what happened.
I probali su sve što su imali. Probali su uobičajenu psihoterapiju. Iskušali su svaki lijek dostupan tih dana. A imali su Tofranil i druge stvari – Mellaril, tko zna što. Ništa se nije dogodilo osim što sam dobio žuticu od jedne od tih stvari. I konačno, kako sam bio dobro poznat u Connecticutu, odlučili su da je bolje da se starije osoblje sastane. I starije osoblje se sastalo, a ja sam kasnije doznao što se dogodilo.
They put all their heads together, and they decided that there was nothing that could be done for this surgeon who had essentially separated himself from the world, who by that time had become so overwhelmed, not just with depression and feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, but with obsessional thinking, obsessional thinking about coincidences. And there were particular numbers that every time I saw them, just got me dreadfully upset, all kinds of ritualistic observances ... just awful, awful stuff. Remember when you were a kid, and you had to step on every line? Well, I was a grown man who had all of these rituals, and it got so there was a throbbing, there was a ferocious fear in my head. You've seen this painting by Edvard Munch, "The Scream." Every moment was a scream; it was impossible.
Razmišljali su zajedno i zaključili da ne postoji ništa što bi se moglo učini za tog kirurga koji se doslovno odvojio od ovog svijeta, koji je s vremenom postao poražen, ne samo zbog depresije i osjećaja bezvrijednosti i neprilagođenosti, već i opsesivnim razmišljanjem, opsesivnim razmišljanjem o slučajnostima. I postojali su određeni brojevi koji bi me, kada bi ih vidio, grozno uznemirili -- različiti načini rituala, jednostavno grozna, grozna stvar. Sjećate se kada ste bili djeca i morali ste stati na svaku liniju? E ja sam bio odrastao čovjek koji je imao sve te rituale, i došlo je do straha, došlo je do ogromnog straha u mojoj glavi. Vidjeli ste sliku Edvarda Muncha, Vrisak. Svaki trenutak je bio vrisak.
So they decided there was no therapy, there was no treatment. But there was one treatment, which actually had been pioneered at the Hartford Hospital in the early 1940s, and you can imagine what it was: it was prefrontal lobotomy.
Bilo je nemoguće. Pa su odlučili da nema tretmana, nema tretmana. Ali postojao je jedan tretman koji se zapravo počeo primjenjivati u Hartfordskoj bolnici u ranim 1940-ima i možete pretpostaviti što je to bilo. Bila je to prefrontalna lobotomija.
(Imitates a popping sound) So they decided -- I didn't know this, again, I found this out later -- that the only thing that could be done was for this 43-year-old man to have a prefrontal lobotomy.
I odlučili su -- nisam to znao, ponavljam, saznao sam to kasnije -- da je jedina stvar koja se može učiniti za ovog 43-godišnjaka prefrontalna
Well, as in all hospitals, there was a resident assigned to my case. He was 27 years old, and he would meet with me two or three times a week. And of course, I had been there, what, three or four months at the time. He asked to meet with the senior staff, and they agreed to meet with him, because he was very well thought of in that place. They thought he had a really extraordinary future.
lobotomija. Kao u svakoj bolnici, određenom je stažistu bio dodijeljen moj slučaj. Imao je 27 godina i posjećivao me dva-tri puta tjedno. I naravno, ja sam bio tamo, koliko, već tri-četiri mjeseca tada. Tražio je da se sastane sa starijim osobljem, i složili su se da se sastanu s njim jer je bio na dobrom glasu u tom mjestu. Mislili su da ima odličnu budućnost.
And he dug in his heels and said, "No. I know this man better than any of you. I have met with him over and over again. You've just seen him from time to time. You've read reports and so forth. I really honestly believe that the basic problem here is pure depression, and all of the obsessional thinking comes out of it. And you know, of course, what'll happen if you do a prefrontal lobotomy. Any of the results along the spectrum, from pretty bad to terrible, terrible, terrible, is going to happen. If he does the best he can, he will have no further obsessions, probably no depression, but his affect will be dulled, he will never go back to surgery, he will never be the loving father that he was to his two children, his life will be changed. If he has the usual result, he'll end up like 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.' And you know about that, just essentially in a stupor the rest of his life."
Bio je tvrdoglav i rekao: „Ne. Znam ovog čovjeka bolje od vas. Susreo sam se s njim mnogo puta. A vi ga vidite s vremena na vrijeme. Pročitali ste izvještaje i slično. Stvarno iskreno vjerujem da je osnovni problem ovdje jednostavno depresija, i sva opsesivna razmišljanja proizlaze iz toga. A znate, naravno, što će se dogoditi ako napravite prefrontalnu lobotomiju. Sav spektar rezultata, od poprilično lošeg do groznog, groznog, grozno će se dogoditi. Ako rezultati budu dobri, neće više imati opsesije, vjerojatno ni depresiju više, ali njegov učinak će biti otupljen, nikada se neće vratiti operacijama, neće nikada biti onakav otac kakav je bio prema svojoj djeci, njegov život će se promijeniti. Ako rezultati ispadnu normalni, završit će kao „Let iznad kukavičjeg gnijezda.“ A znate kako to izgleda, jednostavno u mrtvilu do kraja svog života.”
"Well," he said, "can't we try a course of electroshock therapy?" And you know why they agreed? They agreed to humor him. They just thought, "Well, we'll give a course of 10. So we'll lose a little time. Big deal. It doesn't make any difference." So they gave the course of 10, and the first -- the usual course, incidentally, was six to eight, and still is six to eight -- plugged me into the wires, put me to sleep, gave me the muscle relaxant. Six didn't work. Seven didn't work. Eight didn't work. At nine, I noticed -- it's wonderful that I could notice anything -- I noticed a change. And at 10, I noticed a real change.
Rekao je: „Zar ne možemo pokušati serijom tretmana elektrošokovima?“ Znate zašto su pristali? Samo da ga umire. Mislili su: „Dat ćemo mu seriju od 10 i izgubit ćemo malo vremena. Velika stvar. Neće biti nikakve razlike.“ I dali su mi seriju od 10, a prva -- obična serija, slučajno je bila šest do osam i još uvijek je šest do osam. Uključili su me u žice, uspavali me, uzrokovali opuštanje mišića. Šest nije uspjelo. Sedam nije uspjelo. Osam nije uspjelo. Na devetom, uočio sam -- i to je bilo čudesno da sam mogao primjetiti išta -- uočio sam promjenu. I pri deset primijetio sam pravu promjenu. Otišao je natrag k njima, pristali su na još 10.
And he went back to them, and they agreed to do another 10. Again, not a single one of them -- I think there are about seven or eight of them -- thought this would do any good. They thought this was a temporary change. But, lo and behold, by 16, by 17, there were demonstrable differences in the way I felt. By 18 and 19, I was sleeping through the night. And by 20, I had the sense, I really had the sense, that I could overcome this, that I was now strong enough that by an act of will, I could blow the obsessional thinking away. I could blow the depression away.
Ponovo, nijedan od njih -- mislim da ih je bilo sedam ili osam -- nije mislio da će to poboljšati išta. Mislili su da je to bila privremena promjena. Ali evo i gle, kod šesnaeste, kod sedamnaeste, vidjela se očigledna promjena u načinu kako se osjećam. Kod osamnaeste i devetnaeste, spavao sam čitavu noć. I kod dvadesete imao sam osjećaj, imao sam stvaran osjećaj da mogu prebroditi ovo, da sam sada dovoljno jak da mogu samom voljom, mogu maknuti ta opsesivna razmišljanja, mogu maknuti depresiju.
And I've never forgotten -- I never will forget -- standing in the kitchen of the unit -- it was a Sunday morning in January of 1974 -- standing in the kitchen by myself and thinking, "I've got the strength now to do this." It was as though those tightly coiled wires in my head had been disconnected, and I could think clearly. But I need a formula. I need some thing to say to myself when I begin thinking obsessionally, obsessively. Well, the Gilbert and Sullivan fans in this room will remember "Ruddigore," and they will remember Mad Margaret, and they will remember that she was married to a fella named Sir Despard Murgatroyd. And she used to go nuts every five minutes or so in the play. And he said to her, "We must have a word to bring you back to reality, and the word, my dear, will be 'Basingstoke.'" So every time she got a little nuts, he would say, "Basingstoke!" And she would say, "Basingstoke, it is!" And she'd be fine for a little while.
I nikada nisam zaboravio -- i nikada ni neću -- stajao sam u kuhinji tog odjela, bila je nedjelja ujutro, siječanj 1974., stajao sam u kuhinji sam i razmišljao: „Sada imam snage da učinim ovo.“ Kao da su se pokvarene žice u mojoj glavi isključile i mogao sam pravilno razmišljati. Ali trebam formulu. Trebam nešto što ću si reći kada počnem opsesivno razmišljati, opsesivno. Fanovi Gilberta i Sullivana u ovoj sobi sjetit će se „Ruddigore“ i sjetit će se Mad Margret, i sjetit će se da je ona bila udana za momka zvanog sir Despard Murgatroyd. A ona bi poludjela otprilike svakih 5 minuta u predstavi, i on joj je rekao, „Moramo imati neku riječ kojom ćemo te vraćati u stvarnost, a riječ, draga moja, bit će: 'Basingstoke.'“ I svaki put kada bi malo poludjela, on bi izgovorio riječ: „ Basingstoke!“ a ona bi odgovorila:
(Laughter)
„Da, Basingstoke.“ I bila bi dobro neko vrijeme.
Well, you know, I'm from the Bronx. I can't say "Basingstoke."
Znate, ja sam iz Bronxa. Ne mogu reći: „Basingstoke.“
(Laughter)
Ali imao sam nešto bolje. I bilo je dosta jednostavno.
But I had something better. And it was very simple. It was, "Ah, fuck it!"
Bilo je: „Ah, jebiga.“
(Laughter)
(Smijeh) Mnogo bolje nego „Basingstoke,“
Much better than "Basingstoke," at least for me. And it worked! My God, it worked. Every time I would begin thinking obsessionally -- again, once more, after 20 shock treatments -- I would say, "Ah, fuck it." And things got better and better, and within three or four months, I was discharged from that hospital. I joined a group of surgeons, where I could work with other people, in a community, not in New Haven, but fairly close by. I stayed there for three years.
bar za mene. I radilo je -- moj Bože, radilo je. Svaki put kada bi opsesivno razmišljao -- ponovno, još jednom nakon dvadeset terapija elektrošokom -- -- rekao bih: „Ah, jebiga.“ I stvari su postajale bolje i bolje, i za tri – četiri mjeseca, otpušten sam iz te bolnice, pridružio sam se grupi kirurga gdje mogu raditi s drugim ljudima u zajednici, ne u New Havenu, ali poprilično blizu. Ostao sam tamo tri godine.
At the end of three years, I went back to New Haven, had remarried by that time. I brought my wife with me, actually, to make sure I could get through this. My children came back to live with us. We had two more children after that. Resuscitated the career, even better than it had been before. Went right back into the university and began to write books. Well, you know, it's been a wonderful life. It's been, as I said, close to 30 years. I stopped doing surgery about six years ago and became a full-time writer, as many people know. But it's been very exciting. It's been very happy. Every once in a while, I have to say, "Ah, fuck it." Every once in a while, I get somewhat depressed and a little obsessional. So, I'm not free of all of this. But it's worked. It's always worked.
I nakon tri godine vratio sam se u New Haven, ponovo sam se oženio za to vrijeme. Poveo sam svoju ženu sa mnom kako bih bio siguran da to mogu proći. Moja djeca su došla živjeti s nama. Imali smo još dvoje djece nakon toga. Karijera mi je bila oživljena, čak bolja nego prije. Vratio sam se odmah na sveučilište i počeo pisati knjige. Bio je to prekrasan život. I prošlo je, kako sam rekao, skoro pa 30 godina. Prestao sam operirati prije šest godina i sada pišem puno radno vrijeme, kao što mnogi znaju. Jako mi je je zanimljivo. Sretan sam. Ponekad moram reći „Ah, jebiga.“ Ponekad postanem malo depresivan i malo opsesivan. Nisam oslobođen svega toga. Ali funkcionira. Uvijek je funkcioniralo.
Why have I chosen, after never, ever talking about this, to talk about it now? Well, those of you who know some of these books know that one is about death and dying, one is about the human body and the human spirit, one is about the way mystical thoughts are constantly in our minds. And they have always to do with my own personal experiences. One might think reading these books -- and I've gotten thousands of letters about them by people who do think this -- that, based on my life's history as I portray it in the books, my early life's history, I am someone who has overcome adversity, that I am someone who has drunk -- drank? -- drunk of the bitter dregs of near-disaster in childhood and emerged not just unscathed but strengthened. I really have it figured out so that I can advise people about death and dying, so that I can talk about mysticism and the human spirit.
Zašto sam odabrao,a nikada nikada nisam govorio o tome, sada govoriti? Pa, oni koji znaju neke od mojih knjiga znaju da je jedna o smrti i umiranju, jedna je o ljudskom tijelu i ljudskom duhu, jedna je o načinu na koju su mistične misli neprestano u našim umovima, i uvijek su povezane s našim osobnim doživljajem. Netko može pomisliti čitajući ove knjige -- a dobio sam tisuće pisama o njima od ljudi koji to misle -- s obzirom na vlastitu životnu povijest koju sam prikazao u knjigama, povijest mog ranijeg života - da sam ja netko tko je nadišao probleme. Da sam netko tko je pio, pio i popio gorke ostatke bliske katastrofe u djetinjstvu i izašao iz toga ne samo neozlijeđen već i ojačan. Da sam nekako sve shvatio, kako bih mogao savjetovati ljude o smrti i umiranju, kako bih mogao pričati o misticizmu i ljudskom duhu.
And I've always felt guilty about that. I've always felt that somehow I was an impostor, because my readers don't know what I have just told you. It's known by some people in New Haven, obviously, but it is not generally known. So one of the reasons that I have come here to talk about this today is to -- frankly, selfishly -- unburden myself and let it be known that this is not an untroubled mind that has written all of these books.
I uvijek sam se osjećao krivim zbog toga, uvijek sam osjećao da sam nekako prevarant jer moji čitatelji ne znaju ovo što sam sada vama rekao. Za to znaju neki ljudi u New Havenu, očigledno, ali to nije općenito poznato. Jedan od razloga zašto sam došao ovdje kako bih ispričao ovo danas jest kako bih -- iskreno, sebično -- lišio se tereta i dao na znanje da nije um bez problema koji je napisao sve te knjige.
But more importantly, I think, is the fact that a very significant proportion of people in this audience are under 30, and there are many, of course, who are well over 30. For people under 30, and it looks to me like almost all of you, I would say all of you, are either on the cusp of a magnificent and exciting career or right into a magnificent and exciting career: anything can happen to you. Things change. Accidents happen. Something from childhood comes back to haunt you. You can be thrown off the track. I hope it happens to none of you, but it will probably happen to a small percentage of you. To those to whom it doesn't happen, there will be adversities. If I, with the bleakness of spirit -- with no spirit -- that I had in the 1970s, and no possibility of recovery as far as that group of very experienced psychiatrists thought, if I can find my way back from this, believe me, anybody can find their way back from any adversity that exists in their lives.
Još važnije, mislim, jest činjenica da je određen dio vas u ovoj publici mlađi od 30 godina, naravno, tu su i oni koji su stariji od 30 godina. Za ljude mlađe od 30, i čini mi se za skoro sve vas -- rekao bih svi vi -- ili ste na početku velike i zanimljive karijere ili ste trenutno u velikoj i zanimljivoj karijeri: svašta vam se može dogoditi. Stvari se mijenjaju. Nesreće se događaju. Nešto iz djetinjstva se vrati i progoni vas. Možete biti zbačeni s puta. Nadam se da se to neće dogoditi nijednome od vas, ali dogodit će se malom broju vas. Onima kojima se to ne dogodi, bit će nevolja. Ako sam ja, s oslabljenim duhom, bez duha kakav sam bio u 1970-ima, bez mogućnosti oporavka, bar je grupa jako iskusnih psihijatara tako mislila, ako sam se ja mogao vratiti iz toga, vjerujte mi, svatko može pronaći izlazak iz bilo kojeg problema koji postoji u njihovom životu.
And for those who are older, who have lived through perhaps not something as bad as this, but who have lived through difficult times, perhaps where they lost everything, as I did, and started out all over again: some of these things will seem very familiar. There is recovery. There is redemption. And there is resurrection. There are resurrection themes in every society that has ever been studied, and it is because not just only do we fantasize about the possibility of resurrection and recovery, but it actually happens. And it happens a lot.
A za one koji su stariji, koji su preživjeli možda nešto ne tako loše kao što je ovo, ali koji su proživjeli teška vremena, možda su izgubili sve, kao ja, i počeli od početka, neke od ovih stvari bit će im poznate. Postoji oporavak. Postoji iskupljenje. Postoji uskrsnuće. Postoje teme uskrsnuća u svakome društvu koje je bilo istraživano i ne samo zato što maštamo o mogućnosti uskrsnuća i oporavka već se to stvarno događa. I događa se često.
Perhaps the most popular resurrection theme, outside of specifically religious ones, is the one about the phoenix, the ancient story of the phoenix, who, every 500 years, resurrects itself from its own ashes to go on to live a life that is even more beautiful than it was before.
Vjerojatno je najpoznatiji motiv uskrsnuća, izvan onih posebno religioznih, onaj o feniksu, drevna priča o feniksu koji svakih 500 godina uskrsne iz svog pepela kako bi nastavio živjeti život koji je čak i ljepši od prijašnjega. Richarde,
Richard, thanks very much.
hvala vam puno.