There's so many of you.
這裡好多人啊
(Laughter)
When I was a kid, I hid my heart under the bed, because my mother said, "If you're not careful, someday someone's going to break it." Take it from me: Under the bed is not a good hiding spot. I know because I've been shot down so many times, I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself. But that's what we were told. "Stand up for yourself." And that's hard to do if you don't know who you are. We were expected to define ourselves at such an early age, and if we didn't do it, others did it for us. Geek. Fatty. Slut. Fag.
當我還是小孩子的時候 我把我的心藏在床底下,因為我媽媽曾對我說 「如果你不夠小心的話,總有一天會有人破壞它。」 聽我的,床底下不是一個藏東西的好地方 我會知道是因為我受傷過很多次 我得到高山症就因為我為自己挺身而出 但這是別人常常告誡我們的 為自己而戰 如果你不知道自己的份量的話,這是很難做到的 我們在很小的時候就被期望能自我定義 而如果我們沒有如此做的話,其他人會幫我們做 怪胎、死胖子、婊子、娘泡
And at the same time we were being told what we were, we were being asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I always thought that was an unfair question. It presupposes that we can't be what we already are. We were kids.
在此同時,我們被告知我們是甚麼 我們會被問 「你長大之後想要做甚麼?」 我一直覺得這是個不公平的問題 它的先決條件是我們不能成為我們已經是的人 我們是小孩子
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a man. I wanted a registered retirement savings plan that would keep me in candy long enough to make old age sweet.
當我還是小孩子時,我想要成為一個男人 我想要有我自己的退休儲蓄計畫 這可以讓我生活無憂一段夠長的時間 讓我老年生活依然甜美
(Laughter)
當我還是小孩子時,我想要刮鬍子
When I was a kid, I wanted to shave. Now, not so much.
現在呢,就不那麼想了
(Laughter)
When I was eight, I wanted to be a marine biologist. When I was nine, I saw the movie "Jaws," and thought to myself, "No, thank you."
當我八歲的時候,我想要成為一個海洋生物學家 當我九歲的時候,我看了電影「大白鯊」 我那時就自己想「算了,敬謝不敏。」
(Laughter)
當我十歲時 我被告知我的雙親離開了,因為他們不想要我
And when I was 10, I was told that my parents left because they didn't want me. When I was 11, I wanted to be left alone. When I was 12, I wanted to die. When I was 13, I wanted to kill a kid. When I was 14, I was asked to seriously consider a career path.
當我十一歲時,我只想要獨自生活 當我十二歲時,我想去死 當我十三歲時,我想要殺一個小孩 當我十四歲時,我被要求審慎的考慮我的生涯道路
I said, "I'd like to be a writer."
我當時說:「我想要成為一名作家。」
And they said, "Choose something realistic."
然後他們說:「選個實際一點的。」
So I said, "Professional wrestler."
所以我就說:「職業摔角手。」
And they said, "Don't be stupid."
他們又說:「別鬧了。」
See, they asked me what I wanted to be, then told me what not to be.
看吧,他們問我想要成為甚麼 然後又否決我們的決定
And I wasn't the only one. We were being told that we somehow must become what we are not, sacrificing what we are to inherit the masquerade of what we will be. I was being told to accept the identity that others will give me.
而且我不是唯一的案例 我們被告知,不知何故的,我們必須成為 我們不是的那種人,犧牲我們已經成為的人 去繼承我們將成為的化妝舞會上的一員 我曾被告知要去接受 其他人要給我的身分
And I wondered, what made my dreams so easy to dismiss? Granted, my dreams are shy, because they're Canadian.
然後我就很困惑 是甚麼讓我的夢想這麼輕易的就被打發了? 告訴你們,我的夢想很害羞 因為它們是加拿大人(笑聲)
(Laughter)
My dreams are self-conscious and overly apologetic. They're standing alone at the high school dance, and they've never been kissed. See, my dreams got called names too. Silly. Foolish. Impossible. But I kept dreaming. I was going to be a wrestler. I had it all figured out. I was going to be The Garbage Man.
我的夢想叫做自我意識和過度歉疚 它們站在高中舞會的角落 而且它們從來沒被親吻過 你們看,我的夢想也被取了綽號 愚蠢、傻子、不可能 但我仍舊夢想著 我要成為一個摔角手 我已經全都想好了 我要取一個外號叫做「垃圾處理員」
(Laughter)
我的必殺技叫做垃圾搗碎機
My finishing move was going to be The Trash Compactor. My saying was going to be, "I'm taking out the trash!"
我的專屬台詞會是「我要出去倒垃圾了!」
(Laughter)
(掌聲)(笑聲)
(Applause)
而這個傢伙,杜克.垃圾車.杜魯斯
And then this guy, Duke "The Dumpster" Droese, stole my entire shtick.
偷走了我全部的創意
(Laughter)
I was crushed, as if by a trash compactor.
我的心整個粉碎了,就像是被垃圾搗碎機搗過一樣
(Laughter)
我當時就自己想:「現在怎麼辦?我要改變成為甚麼?」
I thought to myself, "What now? Where do I turn?"
Poetry.
寫詩
(Laughter)
Like a boomerang, the thing I loved came back to me. One of the first lines of poetry I can remember writing was in response to a world that demanded I hate myself. From age 15 to 18, I hated myself for becoming the thing that I loathed: a bully.
就像回力鏢一樣,我所愛的東西又回到了我身邊 我記得並寫下的其中一首詩的首句 是反映當時我恨透自己的那個世界 在我15到18歲時,我恨透了我自己 因為我變成了我厭惡的東西:一個惡霸
When I was 19, I wrote, "I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean toward the opposite."
當我19歲時,我寫道 「我會愛我自己,儘管我可以很輕鬆地 將自己倒向我所恨的一方。」
Standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean embracing violence.
為自己而戰不一定是代表 要擁抱暴力
When I was a kid, I traded in homework assignments for friendship, then gave each friend a late slip for never showing up on time, and in most cases, not at all. I gave myself a hall pass to get through each broken promise. And I remember this plan, born out of frustration from a kid who kept calling me "Yogi," then pointed at my tummy and said, "Too many picnic baskets." Turns out it's not that hard to trick someone, and one day before class, I said, "Yeah, you can copy my homework," and I gave him all the wrong answers that I'd written down the night before. He got his paper back expecting a near-perfect score, and couldn't believe it when he looked across the room at me and held up a zero. I knew I didn't have to hold up my paper of 28 out of 30, but my satisfaction was complete when he looked at me, puzzled, and I thought to myself, "Smarter than the average bear, motherfucker."
當我還是小孩子時 我利用家庭作業當作交易友誼的籌碼 然後給每個朋友一張 不用準時赴約的約會連到單 這是在絕大多數的情況下 並不是每次都會如此 每次失約的時候 我就能祭出我的放風通行證 然後我記得這個計畫,是從挫折中激發出來的 從一個小孩一直叫我「瑜伽熊」 開始 接著指著我的肚子說:「這裡有好多野餐盒喔!」 原來要整一個人不是一件困難的事 某天在上課前,我說: 「好啊,你可以抄我的作業。」 然後我給他全是錯的答案 那是我在前一晚先寫下來的 當他拿回他的作業時,滿心期望著那近乎完美的分數 當他的視線穿越整個教室看著我的時候 他手裡拿著零分的作業,臉上充滿不可置信的神情 我知道沒有把滿分30分 而我得到28分的作業舉起來的必要 但當他滿臉疑惑的看著我時,我的滿足感充斥著我 我心裡想:「我比一般的熊聰明嘛,混帳東西。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)(掌聲)
(Applause)
這就是我
This is who I am. This is how I stand up for myself.
這是我為自己而戰的方式
When I was a kid, I used to think that pork chops and karate chops were the same thing. I thought they were both pork chops. My grandmother thought it was cute, and because they were my favorite, she let me keep doing it. Not really a big deal. One day, before I realized fat kids are not designed to climb trees, I fell out of a tree and bruised the right side of my body. I didn't want to tell my grandmother because I was scared I'd get in trouble for playing somewhere I shouldn't have been. The gym teacher noticed the bruise, and I got sent to the principal's office. From there, I was sent to another small room with a really nice lady who asked me all kinds of questions about my life at home. I saw no reason to lie. As far as I was concerned, life was pretty good. I told her, whenever I'm sad, my grandmother gives me karate chops.
當我還是小孩子時 我當時還以為豬排 (pork chops) 和 空手道手刀 (karate chops) 是一樣的東西 我以為他們都是豬排那一類的 因為我的祖母覺得這個想法很可愛 也因為這兩樣都是我最愛的東西,所以她不去糾正我 這不是甚麼大事 某一天,在我了解到胖小孩對於爬樹不在行之前 我從樹上掉了下來 並造成我右半身挫傷 我那時不想要告訴我祖母這件事 因為我怕在我不該出現的地方玩耍會帶來麻煩 幾天過後,體育老師注意到了我的傷口 然後我就被叫到校長室去了 又從那裏被送到另一間小房間去 那裏有位很友善的女士 問我各式各樣關於我家庭生活的問題 我當時覺得沒有說謊的必要 就我有記憶以來,那時的生活滿不錯的 我告訴她,當我難過的時候 我的祖母會賞我一個空手道手刀
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
This led to a full-scale investigation, and I was removed from the house for three days, until they finally decided to ask how I got the bruises. News of this silly little story quickly spread through the school, and I earned my first nickname: Porkchop. To this day, I hate pork chops.
這導致了全面性的調查 我因此被迫離開家裡三天 直到他們終於決定問我,我的傷口是怎麼來的 這個愚蠢的小故事很快地在學校裡傳了開來 我贏得了第一個綽號 豬排 時至今日,我還是恨透了豬排
I'm not the only kid who grew up this way, surrounded by people who used to say that rhyme about sticks and stones, as if broken bones hurt more than the names we got called, and we got called them all. So we grew up believing no one would ever fall in love with us, that we'd be lonely forever, that we'd never meet someone to make us feel like the sun was something they built for us in their toolshed. So broken heartstrings bled the blues, and we tried to empty ourselves so we'd feel nothing. Don't tell me that hurts less than a broken bone, that an ingrown life is something surgeons can cut away, that there's no way for it to metastasize; it does.
我不是唯一一個在這種情況下成長的小孩 成天被那些愛講 「棍棒和石頭」順口溜的人圍繞著 (兒童順口溜,意指不要理會言語傷害) 說得好像粉身碎骨所受的傷 比我們被取那些綽號還要來得痛一樣 而且每一種綽號我們都被叫過 所以當我們長大時,我們深信沒有人會愛我們 我們會永遠地孤獨 我們永遠不會遇到一份獨一無二的愛 就像是有個人會在工具間裡 為我們打造專屬的太陽 因此,斷了的心弦流下憂鬱的鮮血 我們試著讓自己放空,才不會有任何受傷的感覺 不要告訴我,那種傷害沒有粉身碎骨來得痛 不要告訴我,內心世界所受的傷害是可以用手術切除的 不要告訴我,這種傷害是不會擴散的 它會的 她,當時是個 8 歲大的小女孩
She was eight years old, our first day of grade three when she got called ugly. We both got moved to the back of class so we would stop getting bombarded by spitballs. But the school halls were a battleground. We found ourselves outnumbered day after wretched day. We used to stay inside for recess, because outside was worse. Outside, we'd have to rehearse running away, or learn to stay still like statues, giving no clues that we were there. In grade five, they taped a sign to the front of her desk that read, "Beware of dog."
在我們升三年級的第一天,她被人家叫做醜八怪 我們兩個當時必須把座位移到教室的最後面 這樣子我們才不會被滿是口水的紙球轟炸 但學校走廊是個戰場 悲慘的日子接二連三 我們發現自己寡不敵眾 我們習慣待在教室內休息 因為教室外的狀況更糟 在教室外,我們必須不斷演練逃跑路線 我們學會像雕像一樣站著不動 讓別人不知道我們在那裏 在五年級時,他們在那女孩的桌上貼了一張告示牌 上面寫著「小心惡犬」
To this day, despite a loving husband, she doesn't think she's beautiful, because of a birthmark that takes up a little less than half her face. Kids used to say, "She looks like a wrong answer that someone tried to erase, but couldn't quite get the job done." And they'll never understand that she's raising two kids whose definition of beauty begins with the word "Mom," because they see her heart before they see her skin, because she's only ever always been amazing.
時至今日,儘管有一個愛她的丈夫 她還是從不承認她自己有多美 因為胎記佈滿她的半個臉龐 小孩們常常說:「她的樣子就像是 有人想把寫錯的答案擦掉,但是卻擦不乾淨。」 而他們永遠也不可能知道 那個女孩現在已經是兩個孩子的媽了 而這兩個孩子對美麗這個詞的定義 源自於「母親」 因為他們看到的是內在而不是外在 因為母親永遠是世界上最棒的
He was a broken branch grafted onto a different family tree, adopted, not because his parents opted for a different destiny. He was three when he became a mixed drink of one part left alone and two parts tragedy, started therapy in eighth grade, had a personality made up of tests and pills, lived like the uphills were mountains and the downhills were cliffs, four-fifths suicidal, a tidal wave of antidepressants, and an adolescent being called "Popper," one part because of the pills, 99 parts because of the cruelty. He tried to kill himself in grade 10 when a kid who could still go home to Mom and Dad had the audacity to tell him, "Get over it." As if depression is something that could be remedied by any of the contents found in a first-aid kit.
而這個小男孩,就像是園藝裡被移花接木的樹枝 他是被領養的 並不是因為他的父母選擇了不同的人生 他在 3 歲時的遭遇就像是 一杯由一份遺棄和兩份悲慘所調成的酒 他 8 歲時開始接受治療 無數的測試和藥丸造就了他的人格 過著就像是向上是峭壁、向下是懸崖 這樣進退兩難的生活 服用八成是打算自殺的大量抗憂鬱劑 還有一個被叫做「藥罐子」的青春期 其中 1% 是因為吃藥 99% 是因為現實的殘酷 他在 10 年級時嘗試自殺 當一般的小孩可以回家找父母親尋求慰藉 而父母可以大膽的對孩子說:「勇於面對問題!」 說得好像憂鬱症是那種可以 隨時從急救包就找到解藥的病
To this day, he is a stick of TNT lit from both ends, could describe to you in detail the way the sky bends in the moment before it's about to fall, and despite an army of friends who all call him an inspiration, he remains a conversation piece between people who can't understand sometimes being drug-free has less to do with addiction and more to do with sanity.
時至今日,這男孩就像是兩頭燒的炸藥一樣 說得清楚一點 就像是天要塌下來了的前一秒那樣 儘管有一堆朋友都稱他為鼓舞人心的人 他仍只是不了解他的人們口裡的 支字片語 有時候不碰毒品和癮頭無關 而是因為清醒
We weren't the only kids who grew up this way. To this day, kids are still being called names. The classics were "Hey, stupid," "Hey, spaz." Seems like every school has an arsenal of names getting updated every year. And if a kid breaks in a school and no one around chooses to hear, do they make a sound? Are they just background noise from a soundtrack stuck on repeat, when people say things like, "Kids can be cruel." Every school was a big top circus tent, and the pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers, from clowns to carnies, all of these miles ahead of who we were. We were freaks -- lobster-claw boys and bearded ladies, oddities juggling depression and loneliness, playing solitaire, spin the bottle, trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal, but at night, while the others slept, we kept walking the tightrope. It was practice, and yes, some of us fell.
我們不是唯一在這樣環境成長的小孩 時至今日,仍有小孩被取了難聽的綽號 最經典的有:「嘿,白痴。」「嘿,怪胎。」 好像每間學校都有一個綽號工廠 而且每一年都會持續更新 如果有個小孩在學校裡受了傷,卻沒有人選擇去聆聽 這些小孩還會為自己發聲嗎? 當人們說著類似:「小孩也是滿殘酷的。」這樣的話 難道他們只是跳針唱片的背景雜音嗎? 每間每間學校都是一個大馬戲團帳篷 而出場順序從雜耍演員到馴獸師 從小丑到遊戲攤販 我排在這好幾哩長的隊伍中 我們都是怪物 龍蝦男孩(手部病變)和大鬍子女仕 怪人們 雜耍著憂鬱和孤單 我們表演紙牌戲法,轉轉瓶子 試著去舔拭並治癒我們受傷的部位 但在夜晚時,當其他人都已沉眠 我們還是走在繩索上 這是在練習,而且沒錯,我們其中一些人會摔下去
But I want to tell them that all of this is just debris left over when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought we used to be, and if you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer, because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit. You built a cast around your broken heart and signed it yourself, "They were wrong." Because maybe you didn't belong to a group or a clique. Maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything. Maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth to show-and-tell, but never told, because how can you hold your ground if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it? You have to believe that they were wrong. They have to be wrong. Why else would we still be here?
但是我想要告訴他們 這些都只是我們決定要把過往的一切 都打碎時,所遺留的殘骸而已 如果你看不到自己的美 就去買一面好一點的鏡子吧 看仔細一點,凝視久一點 因為在你的內心裡,有個東西 告訴你堅持下去 儘管全世界的人都叫你放棄 你要在你受傷的心周圍築一道銅牆鐵壁,並在上面簽名 你簽的是:「他們錯了。」 因為你可能不屬於一個團體或族群 也許他們在分組時會把你當成最後的選擇 也許你在玩真心話大冒險時,總帶著淤青和斷牙 但你從不說出口 因為當你身旁的每一個人 都想要挖洞把你埋進去 你要怎能捍衛自己的地盤? 你必須堅信,他們是錯的 他們必須是錯的 否則為什麼我們還會在這裡?
We grew up learning to cheer on the underdog because we see ourselves in them. We stem from a root planted in the belief that we are not what we were called. We are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on some highway, and if in some way we are, don't worry. We only got out to walk and get gas. We are graduating members from the class of We Made It, not the faded echoes of voices crying out, "Names will never hurt me." Of course they did.
我們在成長的過程裡,學著去鼓勵弱者 因為我們在那些人之中看到了自我 我們破繭而出 深信我們不是我們所被稱呼的樣子 我們不是被拋棄在路旁的車子 然後就在高速公路上放空 而如果某方面來說我們是如此的話,不要擔心 我們只要走出車外,找點汽油 我們是「我做得到」課程中的畢業生 不是在我們大聲呼喊 「綽號永遠傷不了我」之後 逐漸消失的迴音 那當然會傷你的心
But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act that has less to do with pain and more to do with beauty.
但我們的人生永遠會 面臨要面面俱到的局面 然而那與痛苦無關 而是更多美好的事物
(Applause)
(掌聲)