Twenty-three years ago, at the age of 19, I shot and killed a man. I was a young drug dealer with a quick temper and a semi-automatic pistol.
23 年前, 在我 19 歲的時候, 我開槍殺了一個人。 當時我是新手毒販, 個性很急, 身上還帶把半自動手槍。
But that wasn't the end of my story. In fact, it was beginning, and the 23 years since is a story of acknowledgment, apology and atonement. But it didn't happen in the way that you might imagine or think. These things occurred in my life in a way that was surprising, especially to me.
但那不是我的故事結局。 其實那是故事開端, 之後的 23 年 是一段認錯、 懺悔與贖罪的故事。 但那不是你想像中的樣子。 這些發生在我生命中的事情讓人意外, 尤其讓我吃驚。 就像在座許多人一樣,
See, like many of you, growing up, I was an honor roll student, a scholarship student, with dreams of becoming a doctor. But things went dramatically wrong when my parents separated and eventually divorced.
成長期間,我的學業成績很好, 拿到獎學金, 夢想要當醫生。 但是事情有了戲劇性的變化, 因為我的父母分開、 最後以離婚收場。 這些事件來得勢不可當。
The actual events are pretty straightforward. At the age of 17, I got shot three times standing on the corner of my block in Detroit. My friend rushed me to the hospital. Doctors pulled the bullets out, patched me up, and sent me back to the same neighborhood where I got shot. Throughout this ordeal, no one hugged me, no one counseled me, no one told me I would be okay. No one told me that I would live in fear, that I would become paranoid, or that I would react hyper-violently to being shot. No one told me that one day, I would become the person behind the trigger. Fourteen months later, at 2 a.m., I fired the shots that caused a man's death.
17 歲的時候, 我中槍三次, 那時我站在底特律家附近的街角。 朋友火速送我到醫院。 醫生取出子彈, 為我包紮, 之後再送我回到發生槍擊的街區。 經過這場可怕的經歷, 沒人擁抱我, 沒人安慰我, 沒人告訴我,一切都會好轉。 沒人告訴我,我會活在恐懼中, 我會變得偏執, 或是我對被射傷的反應會非常激烈。 沒人告訴我, 有一天我會成為站在扳機後的那個人。 14 個月後, 凌晨兩點, 我開了槍, 殺死了一個人。
When I entered prison, I was bitter, I was angry, I was hurt. I didn't want to take responsibility. I blamed everybody from my parents to the system. I rationalized my decision to shoot because in the hood where I come from, it's better to be the shooter than the person getting shot. As I sat in my cold cell, I felt helpless, unloved and abandoned. I felt like nobody cared, and I reacted with hostility to my confinement. And I found myself getting deeper and deeper into trouble. I ran black market stores, I loan sharked, and I sold drugs that were illegally smuggled into the prison. I had in fact become what the warden of the Michigan Reformatory called "the worst of the worst." And because of my activity, I landed in solitary confinement for seven and a half years out of my incarceration.
入獄的時候, 我很怨恨,我很生氣,我很痛苦, 我不想負責。 我怪罪每個人, 從怪罪父母,一路怪到制度。 我合理化自己開槍的決定, 因為在我住的街區, 選擇當個開槍的人 好過當個中槍的人。 我坐在寒冷的牢房裡, 感到無助,失去關愛,被人遺棄。 我覺得沒人在乎我, 鋃鐺入獄讓我滿腹怨恨。 我發現自己在麻煩裡越陷越深。 我常跑黑店、 放高利貸、 走私毒品到監獄賣。 其實我變成了 密西根感化院典獄長稱的: 「萬惡之極。」 因為那些行動, 我被單獨監禁 長達七年半之久。 現在回過頭看,
Now as I see it, solitary confinement is one of the most inhumane and barbaric places you can find yourself, but find myself I did. One day, I was pacing my cell, when an officer came and delivered mail. I looked at a couple of letters before I looked at the letter that had my son's squiggly handwriting on it. And anytime I would get a letter from my son, it was like a ray of light in the darkest place you can imagine. And on this particular day, I opened this letter, and in capital letters, he wrote, "My mama told me why you was in prison: murder." He said, "Dad, don't kill. Jesus watches what you do. Pray to Him."
我認為單獨監禁是你能找到 最不人道和野蠻的場所, 但卻是我找到自己的地方。 某天,我在牢房裡踱步, 警官送信過來。 看了幾封信之後, 我開始讀兒子親手寫的那封 歪七扭八字跡的信。 每次,我都會收到他的信, 那就像是黑暗深處裡的一線曙光。 在這特別的日子,我打開信, 他用大寫的字體寫下: 「媽媽說你被關在監獄, 因為你是殺人兇手。」 他說:「爸爸,不要殺人。 耶穌在看你做了什麼事, 你要向衪禱告。」
Now, I wasn't religious at that time, nor am I religious now, but it was something so profound about my son's words. They made me examine things about my life that I hadn't considered. It was the first time in my life that I had actually thought about the fact that my son would see me as a murderer. I sat back on my bunk and I reflected on something I had read in [Plato], where Socrates stated in "Apology" that the unexamined life isn't worth living.
那時候我不信神, 現在也不信, 但我兒子的話對我來說意義深遠。 那些話讓我檢視自己在生命中 從未思考過的事。 這是我此生第一次真的意識到 我兒子會把我看做殺人兇手的事實。 我坐在床上, 回想起之前讀到柏拉圖的著作, 在<申辯篇>中,蘇格拉底曾說 未經反省的人生不值得活。
At that point is when the transformation began. But it didn't come easy. One of the things I realized, which was part of the transformation, was that there were four key things. The first thing was, I had great mentors. Now, I know some of you all are probably thinking, how did you find a great mentor in prison? But in my case, some of my mentors who are serving life sentences were some of the best people to ever come into my life, because they forced me to look at my life honestly, and they forced me to challenge myself about my decision making.
那個時刻正是改變的開始。 但卻得之不易。 我領悟了一件事, 那就是轉變有四個關鍵。 首先,我有很棒的良師益友。 我知道你們之中大概有人會想, 你在監獄怎麼找到良師益友? 但以我來說, 有一些良師益友雖然被判無期徒刑, 但他們卻是我此生 接觸過最好的人之一, 因為他們強迫我誠實面對自己的人生, 他們強迫我挑戰自己做決定。 第二,是文學。
The second thing was literature. Prior to going to prison, I didn't know that there were so many brilliant black poets, authors and philosophers, and then I had the great fortune of encountering Malcolm X's autobiography, and it shattered every stereotype I had about myself.
在進監獄之前, 我不認識那麼多才華洋溢的 黑人詩人、作家和哲學家, 但後來,我很幸運 能讀到麥爾坎.X 的自傳, 那本書粉碎我對自己的每一個刻板印象。 第三是家庭。
The third thing was family. For 19 years, my father stood by my side with an unshakable faith, because he believed that I had what it took to turn my life around. I also met an amazing woman who is now the mother of my two-year-old son Sekou, and she taught me how to love myself in a healthy way.
19 年來,我父親無條件支持我, 對我深信不疑, 因為他相信我擁有能改變生命的東西。 我也碰到一位神奇的女士, 現在她是我兩歲兒子塞谷的媽, 她教我用健康的方式愛自己。 最後一件事是寫作。
The final thing was writing. When I got that letter from my son, I began to write a journal about things I had experienced in my childhood and in prison, and what it did is it opened up my mind to the idea of atonement. Earlier in my incarceration, I had received a letter from one of the relatives of my victim, and in that letter, she told me she forgave me, because she realized I was a young child who had been abused and had been through some hardships and just made a series of poor decisions. It was the first time in my life that I ever felt open to forgiving myself.
收到兒子的信之後, 我開始寫日誌, 記錄我在童年時期,以及坐牢時的經歷, 這件事讓我敞開心胸, 願意贖罪。 我剛開始被關的時候, 收到一封被害人親戚的來信, 在那封信中, 她說她原諒我, 因為她知道我只是個孩子, 曾被虐待, 有一些痛苦的經歷, 只是做了一連串錯誤的決定。 那是我這輩子第一次 開始接受要原諒自己。 在那之後發生了一件事,
One of the things that happened after that experience is that I thought about the other men who were incarcerated alongside of me, and how much I wanted to share this with them. And so I started talking to them about some of their experiences, and I was devastated to realize that most of them came from the same abusive environments, And most of them wanted help and they wanted to turn it around, but unfortunately the system that currently holds 2.5 million people in prison is designed to warehouse as opposed to rehabilitate or transform. So I made it up in my mind that if I was ever released from prison that I would do everything in my power to help change that.
我想到被關在我附近的那些人, 我很想和他們分享這個想法。 因此我們開始談他們的經驗, 我非常震驚, 他們大多來自同樣會受到暴力的環境, 大部分的人都需要幫助, 也都希望一切能好轉, 但不幸的是, 目前關了 250 萬人的監獄 是設計來裝人, 而不是用來修復或改變人的地方。 因此我決定 如果有朝一日離開監獄, 我會盡我最大的能力 來改變這件事。 我在 2010 年時出獄,
In 2010, I walked out of prison for the first time after two decades. Now imagine, if you will, Fred Flintstone walking into an episode of "The Jetsons." That was pretty much what my life was like. For the first time, I was exposed to the Internet, social media, cars that talk like KITT from "Knight Rider." But the thing that fascinated me the most was phone technology. See, when I went to prison, our car phones were this big and required two people to carry them. So imagine what it was like when I first grabbed my little Blackberry and I started learning how to text. But the thing is, the people around me, they didn't realize that I had no idea what all these abbreviated texts meant, like LOL, OMG, LMAO, until one day I was having a conversation with one of my friends via text, and I asked him to do something, and he responded back, "K." And I was like, "What is K?" And he was like, "K is okay." So in my head, I was like, "Well what the hell is wrong with K?" And so I text him a question mark. And he said, "K = okay." And so I tap back, "FU." (Laughter) And then he texts back, and he asks me why was I cussing him out. And I said, "LOL FU," as in, I finally understand. (Laughter)
這是二十年來的第一次。 請想像 摩登原始人走進「傑森一家」裡。 那就和我的生活差不多。 那是我第一次接觸網路、 社群媒體, 還有像霹靂遊俠裡的夥計 一樣會說話的車。 不過最讓我著迷的是電話。 我進監獄時, 車上的電話這麼大, 還得要兩個人拿著。 想像一下,我第一次拿著我的小黑莓機, 開始學怎麼傳簡訊。 但問題是我週遭的親友都不了解 我怎麼會對所有簡稱毫無頭緒, 像是 LOL(大笑)、OMG(我的天)、 LMAO(笑屎人)之類的, 直到有天我和朋友用簡訊聊天, 我請他幫忙,他回了「K」。 我傳:「什麼是 K?」 他傳:「K 就是 OK。」 我腦袋想的是: 「K 是哪裡有毛病?」 所以我傳了問號給他。 他說:「K = OK。」 我回傳:「FU。(髒話簡稱)」 (笑聲) 然後他回傳問我 為什麼要罵他。 我說:「LOL FU。」 我終於理解了。 (笑聲)
And so fast forward three years, I'm doing relatively good. I have a fellowship at MIT Media Lab, I work for an amazing company called BMe, I teach at the University of Michigan, but it's been a struggle because I realize that there are more men and women coming home who are not going to be afforded those opportunities. I've been blessed to work with some amazing men and women, helping others reenter society, and one of them is my friend named Calvin Evans. He served 24 years for a crime he didn't commit. He's 45 years old. He's currently enrolled in college. And one of the things that we talked about is the three things that I found important in my personal transformation, the first being acknowledgment. I had to acknowledge that I had hurt others. I also had to acknowledge that I had been hurt. The second thing was apologizing. I had to apologize to the people I had hurt. Even though I had no expectations of them accepting it, it was important to do because it was the right thing. But I also had to apologize to myself. The third thing was atoning. For me, atoning meant going back into my community and working with at-risk youth who were on the same path, but also becoming at one with myself.
時間飛快過了三年, 我適應得還不錯。 我拿到麻省理工學院 媒體實驗室的研究獎金, 在一間很棒的公司工作,叫 BMe, 還在密西根大學任教, 但是我一直在掙扎, 因為我了解 有更多人回到家之後, 不會得到那些機會。 我很幸運能和許多很棒的人一起工作, 幫助其他人重返社會, 其中有一位是我的朋友凱文.伊凡斯。 他因為一件從未犯的罪坐了 24 年牢。 他 45 歲,正在唸大學。 我們曾討論過 我發現在我個人轉變中很重要的三件事, 第一件事,是認錯。 我必須承認我曾傷害別人。 我也必須承認自己受了傷。 第二件事,是道歉。 我得向曾被我傷害的人道歉。 即使我毫不期待他們會接受, 但那卻很重要,因為那是對的事。 而且我也必須向自己道歉。 第三件事,是贖罪。 對我來說,贖罪意謂著回到我的社區, 服務走上同樣道路的高風險青少年, 並且成為和我一樣的人。 有過被關進牢房的經驗後,我發現:
Through my experience of being locked up, one of the things I discovered is this: the majority of men and women who are incarcerated are redeemable, and the fact is, 90 percent of the men and women who are incarcerated will at some point return to the community, and we have a role in determining what kind of men and women return to our community.
大多數的受刑人都還有救, 事實上, 90% 的受刑人之後會回到社區, 有個人有權決定 什麼樣的人可以重返社區。 今天我希望
My wish today is that we will embrace a more empathetic approach toward how we deal with mass incarceration, that we will do away with the lock-them-up-and-throw-away-the-key mentality, because it's proven it doesn't work.
我們能採取 更有同理心的方式 處理大規模的監禁問題, 摒除把人關起來就置之不理的態度, 因為事實證明那沒有用。
My journey is a unique journey, but it doesn't have to be that way. Anybody can have a transformation if we create the space for that to happen. So what I'm asking today is that you envision a world where men and women aren't held hostage to their pasts, where misdeeds and mistakes don't define you for the rest of your life. I think collectively, we can create that reality, and I hope you do too.
我擁有一段獨特旅程, 但那不代表非得如此不可。 任何人都能改變, 只要我們允許發生的可能。 因此,今天我請各位想像 一個人人不會被過去綁住的世界, 一個罪行和錯誤 不會定義你未來人生的世界。 我想我們能一同實現, 希望你也有同感。 謝謝。
Thank you.
(掌聲)
(Applause)