Twenty-three years ago, at the age of 19, I shot and killed a man. I was a young drug dealer with a quick temper and a semi-automatic pistol.
Pre 23 godine, kada sam imao 19 godina, upucao sam i ubio čoveka. Bio sam mladi diler droge sa prgavom naravi i poluatuomatskim pištoljem.
But that wasn't the end of my story. In fact, it was beginning, and the 23 years since is a story of acknowledgment, apology and atonement. But it didn't happen in the way that you might imagine or think. These things occurred in my life in a way that was surprising, especially to me.
Ali to nije bio kraj moje priče. Zapravo, bio je početak, i 23 godine kasnije postala je priča o priznanju, izvinjenju i iskupljenju. Ali se nije dogodilo na način na koji biste mogli da zamislite. Te stvari su se dogodile u mom životu na način koji je bio iznenađujuć posebno za mene.
See, like many of you, growing up, I was an honor roll student, a scholarship student, with dreams of becoming a doctor. But things went dramatically wrong when my parents separated and eventually divorced.
Kao mnogi od vas, odrastajući, bio sam cenjen i uzoran učenik, sa stipendijom i snovima da postanem doktor. Ali su stvari dramatično krenule loše kada su mi se roditelji rastali i na kraju razveli.
The actual events are pretty straightforward. At the age of 17, I got shot three times standing on the corner of my block in Detroit. My friend rushed me to the hospital. Doctors pulled the bullets out, patched me up, and sent me back to the same neighborhood where I got shot. Throughout this ordeal, no one hugged me, no one counseled me, no one told me I would be okay. No one told me that I would live in fear, that I would become paranoid, or that I would react hyper-violently to being shot. No one told me that one day, I would become the person behind the trigger. Fourteen months later, at 2 a.m., I fired the shots that caused a man's death.
Sami događaji su prilično jednostavni. Sa 17 godina upucan sam tri puta dok sam stajao na uglu mog bloka u Detroitu. Prijatelj me je odvezao u bolnicu. Doktori su izvukli metke, zašili me i poslali me nazad u isti kraj gde sam upucan. Kroz ovo teško iskustvo, niko me nije zagrlio, niko me nije posavetovao, niko mi nije rekao da ću biti dobro. Niko mi nije rekao da ću živeti u strahu, da ću postati paranoičan ili da ću reagovati hiperagresivno na to što sam upucan. Niko mi nije rekao da ću jednog dana postati osoba iza obarača. Četrnaest meseci kasnije u 2 ujutru, ispucao sam metak koji je izazvao čovekovu smrt.
When I entered prison, I was bitter, I was angry, I was hurt. I didn't want to take responsibility. I blamed everybody from my parents to the system. I rationalized my decision to shoot because in the hood where I come from, it's better to be the shooter than the person getting shot. As I sat in my cold cell, I felt helpless, unloved and abandoned. I felt like nobody cared, and I reacted with hostility to my confinement. And I found myself getting deeper and deeper into trouble. I ran black market stores, I loan sharked, and I sold drugs that were illegally smuggled into the prison. I had in fact become what the warden of the Michigan Reformatory called "the worst of the worst." And because of my activity, I landed in solitary confinement for seven and a half years out of my incarceration.
Kada sam ušao u zatvor, bio sam ogorčen, besan, povređen. Nisam hteo da preuzmem odgovornost. Krivio sam svakoga, od roditelja do čitavog sistema. Racionalizovao sam svoju odluku da pucam jer u kraju odakle potičem bolje je da pucate nego budete upucani. Dok sam sedeo u hladnoj ćeliji, osećao sam se bespomoćno, nevoljeno i napušteno. Osećao sam da nikoga nije briga i reagovao sam sa negodovanjem prema svom zatočeništvu. Onda sam osetio kako tonem sve dublje i dublje u nevolju. Vodio sam prodavnicu na crnoj berzi, zelenašio sam i prodavao drogu koja je ilegalno krijumčarena u zatvor. Zapravo sam postao ono što bi upravnik popravnog doma u Mičigenu nazvao "najgori od najgorih." Zbog moje aktivnosti, bačen sam u samicu na sedam i po godina od svog zatočeništva.
Now as I see it, solitary confinement is one of the most inhumane and barbaric places you can find yourself, but find myself I did. One day, I was pacing my cell, when an officer came and delivered mail. I looked at a couple of letters before I looked at the letter that had my son's squiggly handwriting on it. And anytime I would get a letter from my son, it was like a ray of light in the darkest place you can imagine. And on this particular day, I opened this letter, and in capital letters, he wrote, "My mama told me why you was in prison: murder." He said, "Dad, don't kill. Jesus watches what you do. Pray to Him."
Kada pomislim na to, samica je jedno od najnehumanijih i varvarskih mesta u kojima se možete naći, ali ja sam se tamo našao. Jednog dana, dok sam bio u ćeliji stražar je došao i doneo mi poštu. Pogledao sam nekoliko pisama pre nego što sam pogledao pismo koje je imalo izobličen rukopis mog sina na sebi. I kad god bih dobio pismo od sina, bilo je kao zrak svetla u najmračnijem mestu u kom se možete zamisliti. Tog naročitog dana, otvorio sam pismo, i velikim slovima je napisao: "Mama mi je rekla zašto si u zatvoru: ubistvo." Rekao je: "Tata, ne ubijaj. Isus posmatra šta radiš. Moli Mu se."
Now, I wasn't religious at that time, nor am I religious now, but it was something so profound about my son's words. They made me examine things about my life that I hadn't considered. It was the first time in my life that I had actually thought about the fact that my son would see me as a murderer. I sat back on my bunk and I reflected on something I had read in [Plato], where Socrates stated in "Apology" that the unexamined life isn't worth living.
Nisam bio religiozan u to vreme, niti sam sad, ali bilo je nešto toliko duboko u rečima mog sina. Učinilo je da ispitam stvari u svom životu koje nisam uzeo u obzir. To je bio prvi put u mom životu da sam zapravo pomislio na činjenicu da me sin vidi kao ubicu. Seo sam nazad na svoj ležaj i razmislio o nečemu što sam pročitao kod Platona gde je Sokrat rekao u "Odbrani Sokratovoj" da neistraženi život nije vredan življenja.
At that point is when the transformation began. But it didn't come easy. One of the things I realized, which was part of the transformation, was that there were four key things. The first thing was, I had great mentors. Now, I know some of you all are probably thinking, how did you find a great mentor in prison? But in my case, some of my mentors who are serving life sentences were some of the best people to ever come into my life, because they forced me to look at my life honestly, and they forced me to challenge myself about my decision making.
U tom momentu preobražaj je počeo. Ali nije došao lako. Jedna stvar koju sam shvatio, koja je bila deo preobražaja, je da su postojale četiri ključne stvari. Prva stvar je da sam imao sjajne mentore. Znam da neki od vas verovatno misle, kako sam našao dobre mentore u zatvoru? Ali u mom slučaju, neki od mojih mentora koji su služili doživotne kazne su bili jedni od najboljih ljudi koji su ikada ušli u moj život, jer su me primorali da se iskreno zagledam u svoj život, i primorali su me da dam sebi izazov o donošenju svojih odluka.
The second thing was literature. Prior to going to prison, I didn't know that there were so many brilliant black poets, authors and philosophers, and then I had the great fortune of encountering Malcolm X's autobiography, and it shattered every stereotype I had about myself.
Druga stvar je bila književnost. Pre nego što sam otišao u zatvor, nisam znao da postoji toliko briljantnih crnih pesnika, autora i filozofa, a imao sam veliku sreću da se upoznam sa autobiografijom Malkoma Iksa, i razbila je svaki stereotip koji sam imao o sebi.
The third thing was family. For 19 years, my father stood by my side with an unshakable faith, because he believed that I had what it took to turn my life around. I also met an amazing woman who is now the mother of my two-year-old son Sekou, and she taught me how to love myself in a healthy way.
Treća stvar bila je porodica. 19 godina, moj otac je stajao na mojoj strani sa nepotresnom verom jer je verovao da imam ono što treba da se moj život izokrene. Takođe sam upoznao izvanrednu ženu koja je sada majka mog dvogodišnjeg sina Sekua i naučila me je kako da volim sebe na zdrav način.
The final thing was writing. When I got that letter from my son, I began to write a journal about things I had experienced in my childhood and in prison, and what it did is it opened up my mind to the idea of atonement. Earlier in my incarceration, I had received a letter from one of the relatives of my victim, and in that letter, she told me she forgave me, because she realized I was a young child who had been abused and had been through some hardships and just made a series of poor decisions. It was the first time in my life that I ever felt open to forgiving myself.
Poslednja stvar bila je pisanje. Kada sam dobio pismo od sina, počeo sa da pišem dnevnik o stvarima koje sam iskusio u detinjstvu i u zatvoru i to je otvorilo moj um za ideju o ispaštanju. Ranije tokom mog zatočeništva primio sam pismo od jedne od rođaka moje žrtve i u tom pismu rekla mi je da mi oprašta jer je shvatila da sam mlad momak koji je bio zloupotrebljen i koji je prošao kroz nevolje i napravio niz loših odluka. To je bio prvi put u mom životu da sam se ikada osetio otvoreno da oprostim sebi.
One of the things that happened after that experience is that I thought about the other men who were incarcerated alongside of me, and how much I wanted to share this with them. And so I started talking to them about some of their experiences, and I was devastated to realize that most of them came from the same abusive environments, And most of them wanted help and they wanted to turn it around, but unfortunately the system that currently holds 2.5 million people in prison is designed to warehouse as opposed to rehabilitate or transform. So I made it up in my mind that if I was ever released from prison that I would do everything in my power to help change that.
Jedna od stvari koje su se desile nakon iskustva su da sam mislio o drugim muškarcima koji su zatočeni zajedno sa mnom i koliko sam želeo da to podelim sa njima. Stoga sam počeo da razgovaram sa njima o nekim od njihovih iskustava i bio sam ophrvan kada sam shvatio da je većina njih došla iz istih nasilnih okruženja i većina njih je želela pomoć i želeli su da preokrenu to ali nažalost sistem koji trenutno drži 2,5 miliona ljudi u zatvoru je stvoren da čuva umesto da rehabilituje i transformiše. Stoga sam odlučio u svojoj glavi da ako ikada budem pušten iz zatvora da ću uraditi sve što je u mojoj moći da pomognem da se to promeni.
In 2010, I walked out of prison for the first time after two decades. Now imagine, if you will, Fred Flintstone walking into an episode of "The Jetsons." That was pretty much what my life was like. For the first time, I was exposed to the Internet, social media, cars that talk like KITT from "Knight Rider." But the thing that fascinated me the most was phone technology. See, when I went to prison, our car phones were this big and required two people to carry them. So imagine what it was like when I first grabbed my little Blackberry and I started learning how to text. But the thing is, the people around me, they didn't realize that I had no idea what all these abbreviated texts meant, like LOL, OMG, LMAO, until one day I was having a conversation with one of my friends via text, and I asked him to do something, and he responded back, "K." And I was like, "What is K?" And he was like, "K is okay." So in my head, I was like, "Well what the hell is wrong with K?" And so I text him a question mark. And he said, "K = okay." And so I tap back, "FU." (Laughter) And then he texts back, and he asks me why was I cussing him out. And I said, "LOL FU," as in, I finally understand. (Laughter)
2010. godine izašao sam iz zatvora, po prvi put nakon dve decenije. Zamislite sad, ako ćete, Freda Kremenka kako ulazi u epizodu "Džetsonovih". Tako nekako je moj život izgledao. Po prvi put sam se izložio internetu, društvenim mrežama, kolima koji govore poput KITT-a iz serije "Najt Rajder". Ali stvar koja me je najviše fascinirala bila je mobilna tehnologija. Kada sam otišao u zatvor naši telefoni su bili ovoliko veliki i trebalo je dvoje ljudi da ih nosi. Zamislite kako je bilo kada sam prvi put uzeo moj mali Blekberi i počeo da učim kako da šaljem poruke. Interesantna stvar je da ljudi oko mene nisu shvatali da nemam pojma šta sve te skraćenice u porukama znače, poput LOL, OMG, LMAO, dok jednog dana nisam vodio prepisku sa jednim od svojih prijatelja preko poruke i pitao ga da uradi nešto a on mi je odgovorio sa "K". Pitao sam "Šta je K?", a on je odgovorio: "K je okej." Pitao sam se "Šta je pobogu sa K?" Odgovorio sam mu sa upitnikom. Rekao je: "K = okej." Otkucao sam mu: "FU." (Smeh) A onda je odgovorio i pitao me je zašto ga psujem. rekao sam "LOL FU", kada sam konačno shvatio. (Smeh)
And so fast forward three years, I'm doing relatively good. I have a fellowship at MIT Media Lab, I work for an amazing company called BMe, I teach at the University of Michigan, but it's been a struggle because I realize that there are more men and women coming home who are not going to be afforded those opportunities. I've been blessed to work with some amazing men and women, helping others reenter society, and one of them is my friend named Calvin Evans. He served 24 years for a crime he didn't commit. He's 45 years old. He's currently enrolled in college. And one of the things that we talked about is the three things that I found important in my personal transformation, the first being acknowledgment. I had to acknowledge that I had hurt others. I also had to acknowledge that I had been hurt. The second thing was apologizing. I had to apologize to the people I had hurt. Even though I had no expectations of them accepting it, it was important to do because it was the right thing. But I also had to apologize to myself. The third thing was atoning. For me, atoning meant going back into my community and working with at-risk youth who were on the same path, but also becoming at one with myself.
Danas, tri godine kasnije prilično se dobro držim. Vodim udruženje sa Medijskom laboratorijom MIT-ja. radim za fantastičnu kompaniju po imenu BMe, predajem na Univerzitetu u Mičigenu, ali je tu velika borba jer shvatam da postoji mnogo muškaraca i žena koji se vraćaju kuči a koji neće moći sebi da priušte te prilike. Bio sam blagosloven da radim sa nekim neverovatnim muškaracima i ženama, pomažući drugima da ponovo uđu u društvo, i jedan od njih je moj prijatelj po imenu Kalvin Evans. Odslužio je 24 godine za zločin koji nije počinio. Ima 45 godina. Trenutno je polaznik koledža. Jedna od stvari o kojima smo govorili su tri stvari koje smatram važnim u svom ličnom preobražaju, a prva stvar je priznanje. Morao sam da priznam da sam povredio druge. Morao sam da priznam i da sam bio povređen. Druga stvar je izvinjenje. Morao sam da se izvinim ljudima koje sam povredio. Iako nisam očekivao da će oni to prihvatiti, bilo je važno to uraditi jer je to bilo ispravno. Morao sam da se izvinim i sebi. Treća stvar je pokajanje. Za mene, pokajanje je značilo vraćanje u zajednicu i rad sa rizičnom omladinom koji su bili na istom putu, ali i pomirenje sa sobom.
Through my experience of being locked up, one of the things I discovered is this: the majority of men and women who are incarcerated are redeemable, and the fact is, 90 percent of the men and women who are incarcerated will at some point return to the community, and we have a role in determining what kind of men and women return to our community.
Kroz svoje iskustvo u zatočeništvu, jedna od stvari koje sam otkrio je ovo: većina muškaraca i žena koji su zatočeni mogu da se iskupe i činjenica je da će se 90 posto muškaraca i žena koji su zatočeni u jednom trenutku vratiti u zajednicu i imaćemo ulogu u određivanju koja vrsta muškaraca i žena se vraća u našu zajednicu.
My wish today is that we will embrace a more empathetic approach toward how we deal with mass incarceration, that we will do away with the lock-them-up-and-throw-away-the-key mentality, because it's proven it doesn't work.
Moja želja danas je da ćemo prihvatiti empatičniji pristup prema tome kako rešavamo grupno zatočeništvo, da ćemo se rešiti mentaliteta po principu zaključaj ih i baci ključ, jer je dokazano da to ne funkcioniše.
My journey is a unique journey, but it doesn't have to be that way. Anybody can have a transformation if we create the space for that to happen. So what I'm asking today is that you envision a world where men and women aren't held hostage to their pasts, where misdeeds and mistakes don't define you for the rest of your life. I think collectively, we can create that reality, and I hope you do too.
Moje putovanje je jedinstveno, ali ne mora da bude tako. Svako može da se preobrazi ako stvorimo prostor da se to desi. Ono što vas pitam danas je da zamislite svet gde muškarci i žene nisu taoci svoje prošlosti, gde vas prestupi i greške ne određuju do kraja vašeg života. Ja mislim da kolektivno možemo da stvorimo tu stvarnost i nadam se da vi isto tako smatrate.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)