When I was three years old, I was transracially adopted from South Korea by a white family in Salt Lake City, Utah. I arrived in America with a mysterious tattoo on my left forearm. The tattoo was so large and noticeable that my adoptive parents had it surgically removed right away. They were worried that other kids would make fun of it. Today, there's only a light scar where the tattoo once was, so I've redrawn it in permanent marker so you can see what it looked like.
我三歲時, 我在南韓被跨種族領養, 領養我的是猶他州 鹽湖城的一個白人家庭。 我帶著左手前臂上 謎樣的刺青抵達美國。 這個刺青很大,無法忽略, 我的養父母馬上讓我 接受手術,移除刺青。 他們擔心其他的孩子 會拿它開玩笑。 現在,本來刺青的地方 只留下很淺的疤痕, 我用麥克筆把它重新畫上去, 讓大家能看到它本來的樣子。
Korean adoption records in 1976 were notoriously incomplete. I didn't have any information about my background or my birth family. I didn't even know if my name or birth date were real or if they were assigned. And no one knew what my tattoo meant. Transracial adoption is where a child from one race or ethnicity is adopted by parents from a different race or ethnicity. In my generation, children who were adopted from Korea were assimilated into the culture of their adoptive parents. So I was raised as if I were white. Growing up, occasionally my family would eat at a Korean restaurant, or we'd go to the Asian festival. But I did not identify with being Asian.
韓國 1976 年的領養紀錄 是出名的不完整。 我沒有任何關於我的背景 或原生家庭的資訊。 我甚至不知道我的名字 和生日是否是真實的, 還是只是被指定的。 沒有人知道我的刺青代表什麼。 跨種族領養指的是 某個種族或人種的孩子 被不同種族或人種的父母收養。 在我的世代,在韓國被領養的孩子 會被養父母的文化給同化。 我被當成白人來養育。 成長過程中,我的家人 偶爾會在韓國餐館吃飯, 或我們會去參加亞洲節慶。 但我並不覺得自己是亞洲人。
Looking back now, having my tattoo removed is symbolic of losing a connection with my Korean ethnicity and culture. And I am not alone. Since the 1950s, almost 200,000 Korean children have been adopted all over the world. A growing body of research shows that children experience trauma when they're separated from their families of origin.
現在回頭看, 把我的刺青除去,就象徵了 切斷與我韓國種族淵源及文化的連結。 且並不是只有我。1950 年代起, 有近二十萬韓國孩童 被全世界各地的人收養。 越來越多研究顯示, 當孩童與他們的原生家庭 分離時會產生創傷。
My story includes such childhood trauma. I recently found out that my birth mother left my family shortly after I was born. When I was two years old, my birth father became injured and could not provide for my brothers and me. And so my two older brothers and I were sent to children welfare services. And there, someone decided, because I was younger, that I was more adoptable. And so, I was sent to a separate orphanage, separated from my brothers who cared for me. My adoption records say that I wouldn't play with any of the other children at the orphanage, and now I know why. My adoption photos show the picture of a frightened, malnourished little girl.
我的故事就包含了這種童年創傷。 我最近發現我的生母 在我出生後沒多久,就離開了家族。 我兩歲時,我的生父受傷, 無法養育我和我的哥哥們。 所以我和我的兩個哥哥 被交給兒童福利單位。 在那裡,有人決定, 因為我年紀比較小, 我被領養的機會比較大。 所以,我被送到另一間孤兒院, 和照料我的兩個哥哥分開。 我的領養記錄指出我不願意 和孤兒院的任何一個孩子玩, 現在我知道原因了。 我的領養照片上是個 營養不良且嚇壞了的小女孩。
Just imagine my culture shock a short and lonely nine months later, as I arrived in America, where everything was different: the people, the buildings, the food and the clothing. As a three-year-old child, I quickly figured out that no one spoke the Korean language that I spoke, and so I stopped speaking altogether for six months. And when I started speaking again, it was in full English. One of the first phrases I said as my parents showed me my orphanage photos was, "Sara sad."
想像一下,在經過孤單 且短暫的九個月之後, 我抵達美國所受到的文化衝擊, 在美國一切都不同: 人不同, 建築不同, 食物不同, 服裝也不同。 身為三歲的孩子,我很快就搞懂 沒有人會說我說的韓語, 所以我有六個月的時間 乾脆連話都不說了。 當我再次開口,說的已全是英語。 當我父母讓我看 我的孤兒院照片時, 我說的第一個片語是: 「莎菈悲傷」。
Children who are adopted often put up emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt again. I certainly did this, and like many transracially adopted children, there were many moments growing up where I wished that I was white like the other kids around me. Other kids made fun of my eyes and nose. Now, the '80s styles were particularly brutal to me, with glasses that didn't fit well, hairstyles --
被領養的孩子通常會築起情緒高牆 來保護自己不再次被傷害。 我肯定這麼做了, 和許多跨種族領養的孩子一樣, 我在成長過程中也經常 會希望我是白人, 跟我身邊的其他孩子一樣。 其他孩子會笑我的眼睛和鼻子。 1980年代的造型 對我而言特別殘酷, 戴著不合的眼鏡, 髮型——
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
that looked ridiculous on me.
我留這種髮型很可笑。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
This narrative of adoption might be uncomfortable for you to hear. The narrative that we usually hear is that of a new parent, who is eagerly awaiting a child that they've been wanting for so long. The parents' story is told with love, joy and excitement, and as they bring a newly adopted child into their home, family and friends celebrate and congratulate the parents on their wonderful decision to adopt. My parents' adoption story was like a beautiful blanket that kept me warm. But after a while, it felt like the focus was more on the blanket, covering me and my point of view entirely. I couldn't emotionally breathe.
這種關於領養的說法, 各位聽起來可能會覺得不舒服。 我們通常聽到的說法 是來自渴望孩子已久的 新手父母的說法。 訴說父母的故事時, 總是會講到愛、喜悅、興奮, 當他們把新收養的孩子 帶到他們的家中時, 家人朋友會慶祝和恭喜這對父母 做出美好的決定,收養孩子。 我父母的領養故事就像是 讓我們保暖的美麗毛毯。 但一陣子之後,感覺起來 比較多焦點是在毛毯上, 完全覆蓋了我和我的觀點。 情緒上,我無法呼吸。
My parents would say things to me like, "I fell in love with you the first time I saw your photo. My heart broke." They love me, I know that, and I was wanted. But I wish that the only birth story I had wasn't so sad, so humanitarian. I would often confuse love with gratitude, especially when other people would say things to me like, "You're so lucky to be adopted to America," or, "Your parents are such angels to adopt you." To a child, it felt like these comments were constant reminders to be grateful to my parents' charity. I resented that I couldn't tell these adults, "I don't like being reminded all the time that I'm adopted. I just want to be a normal kid, and maybe even be ungrateful once in a while."
我父母會對我說這樣的話: 「我一看到你的照片就愛上了你。 我的心都碎了。」 他們愛我,我知道, 且我是有人要的。 但我只有這一個出生故事, 我希望它不要那麼悲傷、慈善。 我通常會把愛和感激搞混, 特別是當其他人 對我說這樣的話時: 「你真幸運被領養到美國」, 或「你的父母會領養你, 他們真的是天使」。 對孩子來說,這些說法經常 在提醒我要感激我父母的慈善。 我很憤恨我無法告訴這些成人: 「我不喜歡時時刻刻 被提醒我是領養來的。 我只想當個正常的孩子, 甚至希望偶爾能不要感激。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
But I learned to smile without really smiling, and as I grew older, I wanted to be able to say, "Sara is still sad." But I buried my feelings, and it wasn't until later in life that I realized I'd never really grieved my own adoption.
但我學會了在不想笑時也能笑, 長大一點時,我希望我能說: 「莎菈仍然悲傷。」 但我埋藏了我的感受,直到後來 我才了解到我從來沒有 真正哀悼過我自己的領養。
While many of us understand that adopting a child from a different race, culture or country is never simple, we rarely acknowledge the complex emotions that children who are adopted can experience. Some children experience feelings of loss, feelings of rejection, grief, shame, guilt, challenges with identity, difficulty with intimacy and control issues. Just ask my kids.
雖然很多人都了解 從不同的種族、文化, 或國家領養一個孩子 從來就不是件容易的事, 但我們很少了解被領養的孩子 會有多複雜的情緒。 有些孩子會感覺到失去, 感覺到拒絕、 悲傷、 恥辱、 罪惡、 自我認同受挫、 難以建立親密關係,及有控制問題。 問我孩子就知道了。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Children who are adopted can still love their adoptive parents at the same time as experiencing these complex emotions. And many of us wonder: If we had had safe emotional spaces to own our own stories when we were younger, would we still be struggling to come to terms with adoption as adults? Where do we find the emotional oxygen to own our own stories?
被領養的孩子可以 一方面愛他們的養父母, 另一方面也感受到這些複雜的情緒。 我們許多人會想知道: 如果在我們小時候 能夠有安全的情緒空間 讓我們能正視自己的故事, 那麼我們長大成人後 接受領養這件事是否還會這麼困難? 在哪裡才能找到情緒上的氧氣, 讓我們面對自己的故事?
Since the late 1990s and early 2000s, researchers like Dr. Richard Lee have focused on different parenting techniques for transracial adoption. The hope is to help children and their adoptive parents better adapt to their unique racial and ethnic circumstances. There's more enculturation encouraged, that exposes children to the people, places, languages and culture of their birth families. Some parents focus on racial inculcation to specifically work with their children on the racism and discrimination that they will experience outside of the home. And some parents allow children to choose as they get older the level of exposure to the culture of their birth families. Now, we might look at these signs of progress and think we've got it all figured out when it comes to transracial adoption.
從 1990 年代末、 2000 年代初開始, 像理察李博士這樣的研究者 就把焦點放在針對跨種族領養 採用不同的教養方法。 他的目標是希望 協助孩子和他們的養父母 更適應他們獨特的種族和人種處境。 這樣的教養方式鼓勵促進文化適應, 也就是讓孩子接觸原生家庭的 民族、地方、語言,和文化。 有些父母把焦點放在 種族思想教誨上, 很明確地和他們的孩子一起處理 他們在外面會遇到的 種族主義與歧視。 有些父母會在孩子長大一點時 讓孩子自己選擇 要接觸多少原生家庭的文化。 我們可以看著這些進步的跡象 就說我們已經把 跨種族領養全都搞定了。
The Korean adoptees were the first massive wave of international adoptions, almost 30 years earlier than most other countries, and so there are entire generations of Korean adoptees -- from children all the way to adults in their 70s -- dealing with the impact of their assimilation, and there have only been a handful of studies that follow transracial adoptees over a lifetime.
收養韓國孩童 是第一波大量的國際領養, 比大部分其他國家早了要近三十年, 所以有一整個世代的 韓國養子養女—— 從孩童到七十多歲的成人都有—— 在處理他們的同化所造成的影響, 而只有少數的研究 在追蹤跨種族養子養女的一生。
I know that people around me could not understand my adoption grief. Rachel Rostad, another Korean adoptee, expressed what I was feeling when she said, "Loss is especially confusing to measure when it appears as if I haven't lost anything at all. It's not missing like an organ. It's missing like wherever dreams go when you blink awake into the morning light." Every year, hundreds of South Korean adoptees search for their birth families. Korean agencies report that less than 15 percent are successful.
我知道我身邊的人 無法理解我的領養悲傷。 另一位被領養的韓國人 瑞秋羅斯塔表達出了我的感受, 她說: 「當表面看起來 我什麼都沒有失去時, 衡量失去就變得特別讓人困惑。 這並不是像失去了一個器官, 而是當你一眨眼醒來時 夢境就消失在晨光中的那種失去。」 每年,有數百名被領養的韓國人 在尋找他們的原生家庭。 韓國機構的報告指出 成功率不到 15%。
Last year, I found my Korean birth family in just three months. I posted a photo of my redrawn tattoo on social media, which Korean groups generously shared. And a friend of my brother saw the photo, and he knew instantly what the tattoo meant. When my father decided to send us to children welfare services, he was worried that we would be separated and even adopted into foreign countries. And so he took the unusual step to place a large tattoo on each of our arms and on his own, so that we could find each other someday. And he tried searching for me. And he was right: the tattoo did eventually lead me to find the family that I had lost. Unfortunately, he passed away nine years before he could see his children reunited.
去年,我只花了三個月 就找到了我的韓國原生家庭。 我在社群媒體上貼出了 我重新畫上去的刺青, 一些韓國社群很大方地幫我分享。 我哥哥的朋友看到了那張照片, 他馬上就知道那個刺青的意義。 當我爸爸決定要把我們 交給兒童福利單位時, 他擔心我們會被分開, 甚至被領養至國外。 所以他採取了不尋常的做法, 在我們每個人的手臂上 刺了一個大圖案, 他自己也有, 希望有一天我們能藉此找到彼此。 他嘗試過找我。 他是對的: 刺青最後的確讓我找到了 我曾經失去的家庭。 不幸的是,他在他的孩子們 團聚的九年前就過世了。
But last year, I traveled to Korea to meet my two older brothers, my aunt and uncle, and I learned a lot of new things about myself, including my real birth date, which actually makes me seven months older.
但去年,我前往韓國 見我的兩個哥哥、 我的姑姑和叔叔, 我對我自己有了許多新的了解, 包括知道了我真正的生日, 我的實際年齡是再大七個月。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
This middle-aged woman did not love hearing that she is older.
這位中年女子不喜歡 聽到自己其實更老。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
And that explains all those gifted and talented classes I had in school.
這就解釋了我在學校 為什麼能讀資優班。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
But the most important thing that I learned was that I had a loving family in Korea who remembered me as a little baby and had never forgotten me. I wasn't abandoned, like my adoption records said. I was wanted.
但我得知了一件最重要的事, 我在韓國有一個有愛的家庭, 他們記得還是個小寶寶的我, 且從來沒有忘記我。 我的領養記錄上寫著 我是被拋棄的,但並非如此。 我是有人要的。
It's time to reframe our views on adoption. A healthy adoption ecosystem is one in which children, adoptive families and birth families each own their unique stories. When these narratives are placed side by side, it creates better empathy and policies for the lives that adoption impacts. Here are two things that adults can do to better protect adopted children's stories.
該是重建我們的領養觀念的時候了。 健康的領養生態系統是孩子、 領養家庭,以及原生家庭 都有他們自己獨一無二的故事。 當這些說法被放在一起時, 就會為領養所影響到的那些人 創造出更好的同理心和方針。 成人能做兩件事, 把被領養的孩子的故事保護得更好。
First, give children safe emotional spaces to express their emotions, both positive and negative. Phrases such as "tell me more," "what do you wish for" and "those feelings are normal" are ways that parents can grant emotional oxygen to their children.
第一,給孩子安全的情緒空間 去表達他們的情緒, 包括正面和負面的情緒。 可用的說詞包括 「多告訴我一點」、 「你希望如何」, 以及「那些感覺是正常的」, 父母可以用這些方式 給孩子在情緒上需要的氧氣。
Second, validate a child's adoption story. Children may express emotions that may feel hurtful or worry an adoptive parent. As a parent, work to hold and manage your fears separately from your child. Always acknowledge your child's story as valid and important.
第二,認可孩子的領養故事。 孩子所表現出來的情緒, 有可能讓你感覺受傷, 或會讓養父母擔心。 身為父母,要努力 約束和管理你的恐懼, 不要影響到孩子。 一定要認可孩子的故事, 並承認它的重要性。
Now, it's natural to want to protect children from experiencing pain. But my tattoo is a poignant reminder that every adoption starts with loss, and every child is affected differently. Children who are adopted can live full, rich lives, as we accept and build upon this unique set of cards that we were dealt. And as you listen to our narratives with empathy, you will hear other things as well: childlike curiosity, grace, resilience, courage, love and yes, even gratitude.
父母很自然會想要保護孩子 不讓他們感到痛苦。 但我的刺青會用力提醒我, 每個領養故事的開頭都是失去, 每個孩子受到的影響也都不同。 當我們這些被領養的孩子 能夠接受發給我們的這一手 獨特的牌,並好好發揮, 我們也能過著完整豐富的生活。 當你帶著同理心 傾聽我們的故事時, 你也會聽到其他東西: 孩子般的好奇心、 優雅、 韌性、 勇氣、 愛, 是的,甚至還有感激。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)