Alright, so I want you to imagine that you get a text from a friend, and it reads ... "You will NOT believe what just happened. I'm SO MAD right now!" So you do the dutiful thing as a friend, and you ask for details. And they tell you a story about what happened to them at the gym or at work or on their date last night. And you listen and you try to understand why they're so mad. Maybe even secretly judge whether or not they should be so mad.
Dobro, hoću da zamislite da ste dobili poruku od prijatelja koja kaže: „NEĆEŠ verovati šta se upravo desilo. Tako sam LJUT sada!“ I onda obavite svoju dužnost prijatelja i pitate za detalje. I onda vam ispriča šta se desilo u teretani ili na poslu ili prošle noći na sastanku. A vi slušate i pokušavate da razumete zašto je toliko ljut. Možda i potajno sudite o tome da li bi trebalo da bude ljut ili ne.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And maybe you even offer some suggestions. Now, in that moment, you are doing essentially what I get to do every day, because I'm an anger researcher, and as an anger researcher, I spend a good part of my professional life -- who am I kidding, also my personal life -- studying why people get mad. I study the types of thoughts they have when they get mad, and I even study what they do when they get mad, whether it's getting into fights or breaking things, or even yelling at people in all caps on the internet.
Možda čak date i neke predloge. U tom trenutku radite u suštini ono što ja radim svakoga dana, jer ja proučavam bes, i kao istraživač provodim dobar deo svog profesionalnog života - ma koga zavaravam, i svog ličnog života - proučavajući zašto se ljudi ljute. Proučavam vrste misli koje imaju kada se naljute, čak i šta rade kada se naljute, bilo da je to tuča ili lomljenje stvari, ili čak vikanje na ljude na internetu velikim slovima.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And as you can imagine, when people hear I'm an anger researcher, they want to talk to me about their anger, they want to share with me their anger stories. And it's not because they need a therapist, though that does sometimes happen, it's really because anger is universal. It's something we all feel and it's something they can relate to. We've been feeling it since the first few months of life, when we didn't get what we wanted in our cries of protests, things like, "What do you mean you won't pick up the rattle, Dad, I want it!"
Kao što možete da zamislite, kada ljudi čuju da proučavam bes, oni žele sa mnom da pričaju o svom besu, žele sa mnom da podele svoje priče o besu. I to ne zato što im je potreban terapeut, iako se i to ponekad dešava, već zato što je bes univerzalan. To je nešto što svi osećamo i sa čim mogu da se povežu. Osećamo ga od prvih meseci svog života, kada ne dobijemo ono što smo želeli dok protestujemo plačom, npr: „Kako to misliš, ne želiš da podigneš zvečku, tata, želim je!“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
We feel it throughout our teenage years, as my mom can certainly attest to with me. Sorry, Mom. We feel it to the very end. In fact, anger has been with us at some of the worst moments of our lives. It's a natural and expected part of our grief. But it's also been with us in some of the best moments of our lives, with those special occasions like weddings and vacations often marred by these everyday frustrations -- bad weather, travel delays -- that feel horrible in the moment, but then are ultimately forgotten when things go OK.
Osećamo ga kao tinejdžeri, o čemu moja mama može sigurno posvedočiti. Izvini, mama. Osećamo ga do samog kraja. U stvari, bes je sa nama u nekim od najgorih trenutaka naših života. To je prirodan i očekivani deo naše tuge. Ali je sa nama i u nekima od najboljih trenutaka naših života, u specijalnim trenucima kao što su venčanja i odmori koji su često narušeni ovim svakodnevnim frustracijama - loše vreme, odlaganje putovanja - koji se u tom trenutku čine strašno, ali se na kraju zaborave kada stvari budu okej.
I have a lot of conversations with people about their anger and it's through those conversations that I've learned that many people, and I bet many people in this room right now, you see anger as a problem. You see the way it interferes in your life, the way it damages relationships, maybe even the ways it's scary. And while I get all of that, I see anger a little differently, and today, I want to tell you something really important about your anger, and it's this: anger is a powerful and healthy force in your life. It's good that you feel it. You need to feel it.
Mnogo razgovaram sa ljudima o njihovom besu i kroz te razgovore sam naučio da mnogi ljudi, kladim se, i mnogi u ovoj prostoriji sada, vide bes kao problem. Vidite kako otežava vaš život, kako šteti vezama, možda i na zastrašujuće načine. Iako razumem sve to, ja vidim bes malo drugačije, i danas želim da vam kažem nešto jako važno o vašem besu: bes je moćna i zdrava sila u vašem životu. Dobro je što ga osećate. Treba da ga osećate.
But to understand all that, we actually have to back up and talk about why we get mad in the first place. A lot of this goes back to the work of an anger researcher named Dr. Jerry Deffenbacher, who wrote about this back in 1996 in a book chapter on how to deal with problematic anger. Now, for most of us, and I bet most of you, it feels as simple as this: I get mad when I'm provoked. You hear it in the language people use. They say things like, "It makes me so mad when people drive this slow," or, "I got mad because she left the milk out again." Or my favorite, "I don't have an anger problem -- people just need to stop messing with me."
Kako bismo razumeli sve to, moramo se vratiti unazad i popričati o tome zašto se uopšte ljutimo. Dosta ovoga se svodi na rad istraživača besa koji se zvao dr Džeri Defenbaker, koji je pisao o ovome još 1996. u poglavlju knjige koje se bavi problematičnim besom. Za većinu nas, a kladim se i vas, čini se da je ovako jednostavno: razljutim se kad me isprovociraju. To čujete u rečniku koji ljudi koriste. Govore stvari kao što je: „Toliko me razbesni kada ljudi voze ovako sporo,“ ili „Razbesneo sam se jer je opet ostavila mleko van frižidera.“ Ili moja omiljena: „Ja nemam problem sa besom - samo treba da prestanu da me nerviraju.“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Now, in the spirit of better understanding those types of provocations, I ask a lot of people, including my friends and colleagues and even family, "What are the things that really get to you? What makes you mad?" By the way, now is a good time to point out one of the advantages of being an anger researcher is that I've spent more than a decade generating a comprehensive list of all the things that really irritate my colleagues. Just in case I need it.
Kako bismo bolje razumeli ovakve provokacije, pitam mnoge ljude, uključujući svoje prijatelje i kolege, čak i porodicu: „Koje stvari vas stvarno pogađaju? Šta vas razljuti?“ I da, sad je pravo vreme da istaknem da je jedna od prednosti toga što sam istraživač besa ta što sam proveo više od decenije sastavljajući obimnu listu svih stvari koje stvarno nerviraju moje kolege. Za slučaj da mi zatreba.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
But their answers are fascinating, because they say things like, "when my sports team loses," "people who chew too loudly." That is surprisingly common, by the way. "People who walk too slowly," that one's mine. And of course, "roundabouts." Roundabouts --
Njihovi odgovori su fascinantni, jer govore stvari kao što su: „kada izgubi moj tim“, „ljudi koji preglasno žvaću“. Ovo je iznenađujuće često, zapravo. „Ljudi koji hodaju presporo“ - ta je moja. I naravno „kružni tokovi“. Kružni tokovi -
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I can tell you honestly, there is no rage like roundabout rage.
Iskreno, ništa ne izaziva bes kao kružni tokovi.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Sometimes their answers aren't minor at all. Sometimes they talk about racism and sexism and bullying and environmental destruction -- big, global problems we all face. But sometimes, their answers are very specific, maybe even oddly specific. "That wet line you get across your shirt when you accidentally lean against the counter of a public bathroom."
Ponekada njihovi odgovori uopšte nisu minorni. Ponekad govore o rasizmu, seksizmu, nasilju i uništavanju životne sredine - velikim, globalnim problemima svih nas. Ali ponekad, njihovi odgovori su jako konkretni, možda čak i čudno konkretni. „Ona mokra linija koja ostane preko majice kada se slučajno nagnete preko lavaboa u javnom toaletu.“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Super gross, right?
Baš odvratno, je l' da?
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Or "Flash drives: there's only two ways to plug them in, so why does it always take me three tries?"
Ili „USB memorija: postoje samo dva načina da je uključite, pa zašto meni uvek trebaju tri pokušaja?“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Now whether it's minor or major, whether it's general or specific, we can look at these examples and we can tease out some common themes. We get angry in situations that are unpleasant, that feel unfair, where our goals are blocked, that could have been avoided, and that leave us feeling powerless. This is a recipe for anger. But you can also tell that anger is probably not the only thing we're feeling in these situations. Anger doesn't happen in a vacuum. We can feel angry at the same time that we're scared or sad, or feeling a host of other emotions.
Bilo da je u pitanju nešto malo ili veliko, uopšteno ili konkretno, možemo posmatrati ove primere i izvući neke česte teme. Razbesnimo se u situacijama koje su neprijatne, koje se čine nepravednim, kada su naši ciljevi blokirani, koje su mogle da se izbegnu, koje nas čine nemoćnima. To je recept ze bes. Ali verovatno znate da bes uglavnom nije jedina stvar koju osećamo u ovim situacijama. On se ne događa u vakuumu. Možemo osećati bes zajedno sa strahom ili tugom, ili mnogim drugim emocijama.
But here's the thing: these provocations -- they aren't making us mad. At least not on their own, and we know that, because if they were, we'd all get angry over the same things, and we don't. The reasons I get angry are different than the reasons you get angry, so there's got to be something else going on. What is that something else? Well, we know what we're doing and feeling at the moment of that provocation matters. We call this the pre-anger state -- are you hungry, are you tired, are you anxious about something else, are you running late for something? When you're feeling those things, those provocations feel that much worse. But what matters most is not the provocation, it's not the pre-anger state, it's this: it's how we interpret that provocation, it's how we make sense of it in our lives.
Evo u čemu je stvar: ove provokacije - one nas ne razbesne. Bar ne one same po sebi, i to znamo, jer da nas one razbesne, svi bismo se stalno ljutili zbog istih stvari, a ne ljutimo se. Razlozi zbog kojih se ja ljutim nisu razlozi zbog kojih se vi ljutite, tako da tu mora da se dešava nešto drugo. A šta je to drugo? Pa, znamo da je važno šta radimo i osećamo u trenutku provokacije. Ovo zovemo stanje pred bes - da li ste gladni, umorni, da li ste nervozni zbog nečeg drugog, da li negde kasnite? Kada osećate ove stvari, te provokacije se čine mnogo gorima. Ali nije najvažnija provokacija, ni stanje pred bes, već ovo: kako tumačimo tu provokaciju, kako je shvatamo u svom životu.
When something happens to us, we first decide, is this good or bad? Is it fair or unfair, is it blameworthy, is it punishable? That's primary appraisal, it's when you evaluate the event itself. We decide what it means in the context of our lives and once we've done that, we decide how bad it is. That's secondary appraisal. We say, "Is this the worst thing that's ever happened, or can I cope with this?
Kada nam se nešto desi, prvo odlučimo da li je to dobro ili loše. Da li je fer ili nije, da li je vredno pripisivanja krivice, da li je kažnjivo? To je primarna procena, kada ocenjujete sam događaj. Odlučujemo šta znači u kontekstu svojih života, a kada to uradimo, odlučujemo koliko je loše. To je sekundarna procena. Pitamo se: „Da li je ovo najgore što se ikada dogodilo, ili mogu s tim da se nosim?“
Now, to illustrate that, I want you to imagine you are driving somewhere. And before I go any further, I should tell you, if I were an evil genius and I wanted to create a situation that was going to make you mad, that situation would look a lot like driving.
Kako bih to ilustrovao, zamislite da se negde vozite. I pre nego što nastavim, trebalo bi da vam kažem, da sam zli genije i da želim da stvorim situaciju koja će vas razbesneti, ona bi dosta podsećala na vožnju.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
It's true. You are, by definition, on your way somewhere, so everything that happens -- traffic, other drivers, road construction -- it feels like it's blocking your goals. There are all these written and unwritten rules of the road, and those rules are routinely violated right in front of you, usually without consequence. And who's violating those rules? Anonymous others, people you will never see again, making them a very easy target for your wrath.
To je tačno. Vi ste, po definiciji, na putu negde, pa sve što se dešava - saobraćaj, drugi vozači, radovi na putu - čini se da blokiraju vaše ciljeve. Postoji toliko tih pisanih i nepisanih pravila puta, i ta pravila se stalno krše vama pred nosom, obično bez posledica. A ko krši ova pravila? Drugi anonimusi, ljudi koje nikada više nećete videti, što ih čini lakom metom vašeg gneva.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
So you're driving somewhere, thus teed up to be angry, and the person in front of you is driving well below the speed limit. And it's frustrating because you can't really see why they're driving so slow. That's primary appraisal. You've looked at this and you've said it's bad and it's blameworthy. But maybe you also decide it's not that big a deal. You're not in a hurry, doesn't matter. That's secondary appraisal -- you don't get angry.
Dakle, vozite se negde, prema tome, spremni ste da pobesnite, a osoba ispred vas vozi dosta ispod dozvoljene brzine. A to je frustrirajuće jer ne vidite zašto u stvari vozi tako sporo. To je primarna procena. Sagledali ste ovo i rekli da je loše i da treba nekog okriviti. Ali možda odlučite da i nije tako strašno. Ne žurite, nije važno. To je sekundarna procena - ne ljutite se.
But now imagine you're on your way to a job interview. What that person is doing, it hasn't changed, right? So primary appraisal doesn't change; still bad, still blameworthy. But your ability to cope with it sure does. Because all of a sudden, you're going to be late to that job interview. All of a sudden, you are not going to get your dream job, the one that was going to give you piles and piles of money.
A sada zamislite da ste na putu za intervju za posao. To što ta osoba radi se nije promenilo, zar ne? Tako da se primarna procena ne menja; i dalje je loše, i treba nekog okriviti. Ali se vaša sposobnost da se s tim nosite sigurno menja. Jer odjednom, zakasnićete na taj intervju za posao. Odjednom, nećete dobiti vaš posao iz snova, onaj koji će vam obezbediti gomile i gomile novca.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Somebody else is going to get your dream job and you're going to be broke. You're going to be destitute. Might as well stop now, turn around, move in with your parents.
Neko drugi će dobiti vaš posao iz snova i bićete švorc. Bićete siromašni. Možete da odmah stanete, okrenete se, vratite se kod roditelja.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Why? "Because of this person in front of me. This is not a person, this is a monster."
Zašto? „Zbog ove osobe ispred mene. To nije osoba, već čudovište.“
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And this monster is here just to ruin your life.
I ono je tu samo da vam upropasti život.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Now that thought process, it's called catastrophizing, the one where we make the worst of things. And it's one of the primary types of thoughts that we know is associated with chronic anger. But there's a couple of others. Misattributing causation. Angry people tend to put blame where it doesn't belong. Not just on people, but actually inanimate objects as well. And if you think that sound ridiculous, think about the last time you lost your car keys and you said, "Where did those car keys go?" Because you know they ran off on their own.
Taj način razmišljanja zove se katastrofiziranje, kada od muve pravimo slona. I to je jedna od primarnih vrsta misli za koje znamo da su povezane sa hroničnim besom. Ali ima i par drugih. Pogrešna interpretacija uzroka. Besni ljudi često okrivljuju ono što ne treba. Ne samo ljude, već i nežive objekte. A ako mislite da to zvuči smešno, setite se kada ste poslednji put izgubili ključeve od auta i rekli: „Gde li su se izgubili?“ Jer znate da su sami pobegli.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
They tend to overgeneralize, they use words like "always," "never," "every," "this always happens to me," "I never get what I want" or "I hit every stoplight on the way here today." Demandingness: they put their own needs ahead of the needs of others: "I don't care why this person is driving so slow, they need to speed up or move over so I can get to this job interview." And finally, inflammatory labeling. They call people fools, idiots, monsters, or a whole bunch of things I've been told I'm not allowed to say during this TED Talk.
Oni uglavnom generalizuju, koristeći reči kao što su „uvek“, „nikad“, „svaki“, „ovo se uvek meni dešava,“ „nikad ne dobijem ono što želim“ ili: „Danas sam na putu ovamo nailazio samo na crvena svetla.“ Zahtevnost: stavljaju sopstvene potrebe ispred potreba drugih. „Ne zanima me zašto vozi tako sporo, mora da ubrza ili da se skloni kako bih mogao da stignem na intervju.“ I konačno, razdražljivo etiketiranje. Zovu ljude budalama, idiotima, čudovištima, ili gomilom stvari koje su mi zabranili da izgovorim tokom ovog TED govora. (Smeh)
(Laughter)
So for a long time, psychologists have referred to these as cognitive distortions or even irrational beliefs. And yeah, sometimes they are irrational. Maybe even most of the time. But sometimes, these thoughts are totally rational. There is unfairness in the world. There are cruel, selfish people, and it's not only OK to be angry when we're treated poorly, it's right to be angry when we're treated poorly.
Dugo su psiholozi ovo nazivali kognitivnim distorzijama ili čak iracionalnim verovanjima. I da, ponekad jesu iracionalni. Možda čak i uglavnom. Ali ponekad, ove misli su potpuno racionalne. Ima toliko nepravde na svetu. Ima okrutnih, sebičnih ljudi, i ne samo da je okej da se ljutimo kada nas ne tretiraju kako treba, već je to ispravno.
If there's one thing I want you to remember from my talk today, it's this: your anger exists in you as an emotion because it offered your ancestors, both human and nonhuman, with an evolutionary advantage. Just as your fear alerts you to danger, your anger alerts you to injustice. It's one of the ways your brain communicates to you that you have had enough. What's more, it energizes you to confront that injustice. Think for a second about the last time you got mad. Your heart rate increased. Your breathing increased, you started to sweat. That's your sympathetic nervous system, otherwise known as your fight-or-flight system, kicking in to offer you the energy you need to respond. And that's just the stuff you noticed. At the same time, your digestive system slowed down so you could conserve energy. That's why your mouth went dry. And your blood vessels dilated to get blood to your extremities. That's why your face went red. It's all part of this complex pattern of physiological experiences that exist today because they helped your ancestors deal with cruel and unforgiving forces of nature.
Ako postoji jedna stvar koju želim da zapamtite iz mog govora, to je ova: vaš bes postoji u vama kao emocija jer je pružio vašim precima, ljudskim i neljudskim, evolucijsku prednost. Kao što vas strah upozorava na opasnost, bes vas upozorava na nepravdu. To je jedan od načina na koje vam vaš mozak govori da vam je dosta. Štaviše, daje vam snagu da se suprotstavite nepravdi. Setite se na sekund kada ste se poslednji put razbesneli. Otkucaji srca su se ubrzali. Disanje se ubrzalo, počeli ste da se znojite. To je vaš simpatički nervni sistem, inače poznat i kao sistem „bori se ili beži“, koji uskače da vam pruži energiju neophodnu da reagujete. A to je samo ono što primećujete. U isto vreme, vaš digestivni sistem je usporio kako biste sačuvali energiju. Zato su vam se usta osušila. A krvni sudovi su se proširili kako bi sproveli krv do ekstremiteta. Zato vam je lice pocrvenelo. Sve je to deo kompleksnog šablona fizioloških iskustava koja danas postoje jer su pomogla vašim precima da se nose sa surovim i neumitnim silama prirode.
And the problem is that the thing your ancestors did to deal with their anger, to physically fight, they are no longer reasonable or appropriate. You can't and you shouldn't swing a club every time you're provoked.
Problem je što ono što su vaši preci radili kako bi se nosili sa besom, fizički se borili, nije više opravdano ili prikladno. Ne možete i ne bi trebalo da zamahnete palicom
(Laughter)
svaki put kad vas isprovociraju.
(Smeh)
But here's the good news. You are capable of something your nonhuman ancestors weren't capable of. And that is the capacity to regulate your emotions. Even when you want to lash out, you can stop yourself and you can channel that anger into something more productive. So often when we talk about anger, we talk about how to keep from getting angry. We tell people to calm down or relax. We even tell people to let it go. And all of that assumes that anger is bad and that it's wrong to feel it.
Ali evo dobrih vesti. Vi imate sposobnost koju vaši neljudski preci nisu imali. A to je mogućnost da regulišete svoje emocije. Čak i kada želite da napadnete, možete se zaustaviti i preusmeriti taj bes na nešto produktivnije. Često kada pričamo o besu, pričamo o tome kako ga sprečiti. Govorimo ljudima da se smire ili opuste. Čak im govorimo i da zaborave. Sve to implicira da je bes loš i da je pogrešno osećati ga.
But instead, I like to think of anger as a motivator. The same way your thirst motivates you to get a drink of water, the same way your hunger motivates you to get a bite to eat, your anger can motivate you to respond to injustice. Because we don't have to think too hard to find things we should be mad about. When we go back to the beginning, yeah, some of those things, they're silly and not worth getting angry over.
Umesto toga, ja volim da mislim o besu kao o motivatoru. Isto kao što vas žeđ motiviše da uzmete čašu vode, ili kao što vas glad motiviše da uzmete par zalogaja, bes vas može motivisati da reagujete na nepravdu. Jer ne treba previše da razmišljamo kako bismo našli razloge za bes. Kada se vratimo na početak, da, neke od tih stvari su blesave i ne vredi se zbog njih ljutiti.
But racism, sexism, bullying, environmental destruction, those things are real, those things are terrible, and the only way to fix them is to get mad first and then channel that anger into fighting back. And you don't have to fight back with aggression or hostility or violence. There are infinite ways that you can express your anger. You can protest, you can write letters to the editor, you can donate to and volunteer for causes, you can create art, you can create literature, you can create poetry and music, you can create a community that cares for one another and does not allow those atrocities to happen.
Ali rasizam, seksizam, nasilje, uništenje prirodne sredine, to su stvarne stvari, strašne stvari, i jedini način da ih popravite je da se prvo razbesnite i onda preusmerite taj bes na odbranu. I ne morate da se branite agresijom, neprijateljstvom ili nasiljem. Postoji bezbroj načina na koje možete izraziti svoj bes. Možete da protestujete, da pišete pisma uredniku, možete da donirate ili volontirate, da stvarate umetnička dela, književna dela, da stvarate poeziju i muziku, možete da stvorite zajednicu koja brine o drugima i ne dozvoljava da se te strahote dešavaju.
So the next time you feel yourself getting angry, instead of trying to turn it off, I hope you'll listen to what that anger is telling you. And then I hope you'll channel it into something positive and productive.
Sledeći put kada osetite da ćete se razbesneti, umesto da to potisnete, nadam se da ćete poslušati šta vam taj bes govori. I nadam se da ćete ga preusmeriti na nešto pozitivno i produktivno.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)