Six years ago, when my older daughter was 13, I bought her a vibrator.
(Cheers and applause)
I'm done. OK.
(Laughter)
It wasn't something I planned on doing. I mean, I knew eventually my daughters would need bras and tampons, maybe braces, but a vibrator was not on the list. So why did I do it?
Before I explain why, I want to acknowledge that I might have made some of you a little uncomfortable or a lot uncomfortable. So before I explain why, I want to ask you a question. Why are we more comfortable talking about female pain -- things like period cramps, breast cancer, birthing pains, miscarriages and sexual assault -- than we are talking about female pleasure? Why does a vibrator make us uncomfortable but Viagra does not?
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Getting my daughter a vibrator started me on a journey of thinking about the importance of empowering teenage girls, helping them to learn about their bodies and gain a sense of ownership of their bodies, including embracing their right to pleasure. This is one reason that my own daughters encouraged me to include their stories in this talk.
So I'm going to talk to you today about sex, specifically in regards to our teenage daughters. I know we don't like to think about our teenagers having sex and because of societal double standards, especially our girls. But here's why we need to have this conversation, as uncomfortable as it may make us. Girls typically develop a desire for sexual contact between the ages of 11 and 14. Between the ages of 15 and 19, 42 percent of them have had vaginal and/or oral sex. Through the cell phones right in their back pockets, 57 percent of girls and 84 percent of boys between the ages of 14 and 18 have watched pornography through Pornhub and hundreds of similar sites.
So if you have a kid in high school, it isn't a question of if they'll watch porn before they graduate, but more likely, when. This means that a lot of our kids are getting their sex education and trying to figure out what's normal from pornography. To illustrate why we can’t leave our kids alone to navigate this sexual terrain, I want to share a story with you. Several years ago, I worked with an incredibly intelligent 14-year-old girl, helping her manage her overall life stressors. During one session, she asked if she could ask me a question about sex. She said that she was confused about the bases and wondered if it was really true that second base was anal sex.
(Audience murmurs)
I was as shocked as you are. And yes, when I asked her, she did know what anal sex is. She had gotten her information from watching a few porn clips her friends had showed her during study hall at school. Thankfully, because of the trusting relationship she had with me, she was able to have this misconception corrected and her anxiety about it relieved. With her permission, I was also able to loop her mom in on the conversation so she could be a resource for her daughter.
I've worked hard to cultivate this type of relationship with my own daughters. So when my 13-year-old said, “Mom, can I ask you a question?” ... kid speak for "be prepared for anything,"
(Laughter)
I listened. Which is why, sitting at a stoplight on a summer morning, my daughter felt comfortable telling me she had started to masturbate and was even willing to share with me what she was using to do so. This is how I learned that she was masturbating in a way that was not safe for her body. And so, in a span of one red light, I decided to buy my daughter a vibrator. I wanted to support her in the safe exploration of her body instead of burying my head in the sand, which is so tempting to do as parents with things that make us uncomfortable.
When it comes to sex, we all need to become trusted resources for our kids. They need to be comfortable coming to us with questions and know they will get straight answers. And while this is certainly true in regards to accurate information, sometimes it's also about giving them the appropriate tool.
When we talk about girls knowing and exploring their bodies, it's easy to get uncomfortable. But girls becoming familiar with their bodies is about health. Masturbation helps girls reduce stress, ease headaches and alleviate cramps associated with their periods. When girls explore their bodies, they learn how their bodies feel when they are healthy, which also helps them recognize changes and potential problems. They have to touch their bodies to know their bodies.
This became clear to me when I was working with one of my adult clients after her diagnosis with stage four breast cancer. As we discussed her prognosis, she said to me, "Robin, if I'd only done my breast checks, maybe I would have caught it sooner. Maybe I wouldn't be dying." But my client had been raised believing that touching herself was inappropriate. On the few occasions she did a breast check, she didn't know what was typical, and she rushed through them feeling embarrassed. When girls are comfortable touching their bodies, whether for self breast checks or for pleasure, they learn about their bodies.
And when they know their bodies, they can better own their bodies. This is important when it comes to sex. Too often, others are dictating what girls should expect, want and put up with. These expectations are being set by pornography, social media, politicians and partners who are either much more experienced or equally inexperienced. I mean, let's face it. What does the average teenage boy know about the female clitoris or the female orgasm?
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Given the statistics that about 15 percent of women have never had an orgasm and 81 percent of women do not orgasm through vaginal sex, it is important for our girls to know that it's OK to figure out what gives them pleasure. And that they don't have to rely on someone else for that pleasure.
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This can help them make choices which benefit them. As an example, another one of my clients shared with me that she uses her vibrator before she goes on any date.
(Laughter)
This way, she can make judgments about the date based on the person and their connection rather than on hormones.
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And then when our daughters do decide to have sex with someone else, they will know enough about their sexual pleasure to be able to communicate what feels good to their partners. They won't have to follow the outdated norms of tolerating unsatisfying experiences, faking it, or even believing that their sole purpose is to serve someone else's pleasure. Our daughters will get the message that their wants and needs are important.
Learning not to be ashamed of their sexual pleasure is not limited to girls and young women. I worked with a 65-year-old woman who had never, ever had an orgasm. She came to me for coaching because she felt demoralized. She had recently retired from her vice-president position, feeling pushed out by her company as they hired younger executives. She had two goals for coaching. The first was to find new ways to spend her time which gave her purpose. The second one was, and I quote, "to try out an orgasm."
(Laughter)
When she was ready, my client bought herself a vibrator and began learning about her body for the first time in her life. I will never forget the day when she came to our session, sat down demurely and said with a big, beautiful grin, "Second goal achieved."
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As she continued to learn about herself and her sexual pleasure, my client stopped referring to herself as old. She accepted a board position for a national nonprofit. She even created a profile on eHarmony.
(Laughter)
Can I say it was simply due to the orgasm? Of course not. But in asking for more from this one area of her life, she realized she could do the same in other areas of her life.
We can help our daughters adopt this perspective long before my client did. We can support their healthy sexual development, but even more, by doing so, we empower their entire sense of selves. This is about helping our girls step into their power, raising them to become strong women who can speak up for themselves, whether they are in the bedroom or in the boardroom.
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Recently, my younger daughter reminded me of just how well she can speak up for herself.
(Laughter)
A few months ago, she was out with friends and called to let me know and she'd be home. She's good like that. As we were wrapping up the conversation, she said, "Oh, by the way, mom, my vibrator broke. Can you pick me up a new one?"
(Laughter)
Later on, she told me that after she hung up, her friends said, "We can't believe your mom bought you a vibrator." To which my daughter responded, "I can't believe your moms haven't."
Thank you.
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