I wrote this poem after hearing a pretty well known actress tell a very well known interviewer on television, "I'm really getting into the Internet lately. I just wish it were more organized." So ... (Laughter) If I controlled the Internet, you could auction your broken heart on eBay. Take the money; go to Amazon; buy a phonebook for a country you've never been to -- call folks at random until you find someone who flirts really well in a foreign language.
Napisao sam ovu pjesmu nakon što sam čuo kako prilično poznata glumica govori vrlo poznatom spikeru s televizije, "U zadnje vrijeme sam stvarno počela koristiti Internet. Kada bi samo bio još organiziraniji." Pa -- (Smijeh) kada bih ja kontrolirao Internet, mogli biste licitirati svoje slomljeno srce na eBay-u, uzmite novac, odite na Amazon, kupite imenik zemlje u kojoj nikad niste bili i počnite zvati ljude nasumce sve dok ne pronađete nekoga tko jako dobro koketira na stranom jeziku.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
If I were in charge of the Internet, you could Mapquest your lover's mood swings. Hang left at cranky, right at preoccupied, U-turn on silent treatment, all the way back to tongue kissing and good lovin'. You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection. Some days, I'm as shallow as a baking pan, but I still stretch miles in all directions. If I owned the Internet, Napster, Monster and Friendster.com would be one big website. That way you could listen to cool music while you pretend to look for a job and you're really just chattin' with your pals.
Kad bih ja bio zadužen za Internet, mogli biste MapQuest-ati promjene raspoloženja svog ljubavnika. Stanite s lijeve na mrzovoljan, s desne na prezaposlen, napravite U-okret na tihom tretmanu, te natrag sve do dobrog ljubljenja jezicima i dobre ljubavi, i mogli biste navigirati i shvatiti svako emocionalno raskrižje. Ima dana kada sam plitak kao tava za pečenje, ali i dalje se protežem miljama u svim smjerovima. Kad bih ja posjedovao Internet, Napster, Monster i Friendster.com bi bila jedna velika web-stranica. Na taj bi način mogli slušati super glazbu dok se pretvarate da tražite posao a zapravo čavrljate sa svojim prijateljima.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Heck, if I ran the Web, you could email dead people.
Kvragu, kad bih ja upravljao Internetom, mogli biste poslati email mrtvacima.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
They would not email you back (Laughter) -- but you'd get an automated reply.
Oni vam ne bi odgovorili - (Smijeh) ali biste dobili automatski odgovor.
(Laughter) Their name in your inbox (Laughter) -- it's all you wanted anyway. And a message saying, "Hey, it's me. I miss you.
(Smijeh) Njihovo ime u vašem pretincu -- (Smijeh) to je sve što ste ionako htjeli. I poruka koja kaže, "Hej, ja sam. Nedostaješ mi.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Listen, you'll see being dead is dandy. Now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving candy." If I designed the Internet, childhood.com would be a loop of a boy in an orchard, with a ski pole for a sword, trashcan lid for a shield, shouting, "I am the emperor of oranges. I am the emperor of oranges. I am the emperor of oranges." Now follow me, OK?
Slušaj, vidjet ćeš da je biti mrtav kicoški. Sada se vrati odgajanju djece i pomirenju i žudnji za slatkišima." Kad bih ja dizajnirao Internet, childhood.com bi bila petlja dječaka u voćnjaku, sa skijaškim štapom kao mačem, pokrovom kante za smeće kao štitom, vičući, "Ja sam car naranči. Ja sam car naranči. Ja sam car naranči." Slijedite me, OK?
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Grandma.com would be a recipe for biscuits and spit-bath instructions. One, two, three. That links with hotdiggitydog.com. That is my grandfather. They take you to gruff-ex-cop-on-his-fourth-marriage.dad. He forms an attachment to kind-of-ditzy-but-still-sends-ginger-snaps-for-Christmas.mom, who downloads the boy in the orchard, the emperor of oranges, who grows up to be me -- the guy who usually goes too far. So if I were emperor of the Internet, I guess I'd still be mortal, huh? But at that point, I would probably already have the lowest possible mortgage and the most enlarged possible penis (Laughter) -- so I would outlaw spam on my first day in office. I wouldn't need it. I'd be like some kind of Internet genius, and me, I'd like to upgrade to deity and maybe just like that -- pop! -- I'd go wireless.
Grandma.com bi bio recept za kolačiće i upute o pljuvanju-kupanju. Jedan, dva, tri. To se povezuje s hotdiggitydog.com. To je moj djed. Oni vas vode na osoran-bivši-policajac-na-svoj-četvrti-brak.tata." On stvara privitak na pomalo-ekscentričnu-ali-još-uvijek-šalje-lomljive-kolačiće-od-đumbira-za-Božić.mama, koje skida dječaka u voćnjaku, cara naranči, koji izraste u mene -- čovjeka koji uobičajeno ide predaleko. Kada bi bio car Interneta, vjerujem da bih još uvijek bio smrtan, ha? Ali u toj točki, ja bih vjerojatno već imao najnižu moguću hipoteku i najveći mogući penis -- (Smijeh) i na prvi dan u uredu bih već prognao lošu poštu. Ne bih je trebao. Bio bih kao neka vrsta Internet genija, a ja, bih se volio nadograditi do božanstva i možda samo tako -- pop -- postao bih bežićan.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Huh? Maybe Google would hire this. I could zip through your servers and firewalls like a virus until the World Wide Web is as wise, as wild and as organized as I think a modern-day miracle/oracle can get, but, ooh-eee, you want to bet just how whack and un-PC your Mac or PC is going to be when I'm rocking hot-shit-hot-shot-god.net? I guess it's just like life. It is not a question of if you can -- it's: do ya? We can interfere with the interface. We can make "You've got Hallelujah" the national anthem of cyberspace every lucky time we log on. You don't say a prayer. You don't write a psalm. You don't chant an "om." You send one blessed email to whomever you're thinking of at dah-da-la-dat-da-dah-da-la-dat.com. Thank you, TED.
Ha? Možda bi Google to zaposlio. Mogao bih letjeti kroz vaše servere i vatrene zidove poput virusa sve dok World Wide Web nije toliko pametan, divlji i organiziran kao što ja mislim da bi čudo modernog doba/proročanstvo moglo biti, ali, ooo-iii, želite se kladiti samo kako će udaren i ne-PC vaš Mac ili PC biti kada ja vodim cijelo sranje, svu zabavu na god.net? Vjerujem da je to nalik životu. To nije pitanje možete li. Već, jesi li? Možemo interferirati sa sučeljem. Možemo učiniti "Imate Halleluju" nacionalnom himnom kibernetskog prostora svaki sretni put kada se ulogiramo. Ne kažete molitvu. Ne pišete psalam. Ne pjevate "om". Pošaljete jednu blagoslovljenu e-poštu na koga god mislite na "dah da la dat da dah da la dat dot com". Hvala ti, TED.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)