Paula Stone Williams: What I realized about men -- after I transitioned genders | Paula Stone Williams | TEDxMileHigh

I was one of six guests on a 22-million-dollar yacht, we were off the coast of Honduras and the island of Roatán, and our yacht had become grounded on a sandbar in a cove. As the captain floated the anchor to winch us back into open water, I sat on the top deck and looked out of the windowless shanties surrounding that cove and I thought, "What am I doing here?" I thought I was there because of my own good work. I was the CEO of a growing nonprofit; that's how I met the chairman of a television network and joined his board. It was his yacht. Did I mention that all six guests on that yacht were white male CEOs? Including me. I always knew I was privileged, I just didn't realize exactly how privileged I was. I went to college for free because my father was on the board of directors. That happens for everybody, right? (Laughter) I got preferential treatment in two out of my three graduate school programs. I donated a lot of money back to the nonprofit with which I worked. But then I also earned way more than anybody else, so there was that. But I was a CEO in my 30s and taking trips on private jets and expensive yachts all seemed normal to me because I was one of the good guys. I was supportive of the Equal Rights Amendment. I made sure women were on the boards of several of the corporations with which I worked, though I never did make sure a woman was in the top spot. In fact, I did not even have a woman on my own senior leadership team at my own company. I look back at that now and it's more than a little bit embarrassing. (Laughter) The line from Yeats' poem "Vacillation" comes to mind: "And not a day, But something is recalled, My conscience or my vanity appalled." I knew from the time I was three or four years of age I was transgender. There were a lot of reasons I did not transition until later in life, not the least of which was knowing how devastating it was going to be for my family. But there were other reasons, one of them I really hate to admit. Because one of the reasons I did not transition earlier was because I did not want to give up my power or my income. I was comfortable as an affluent, white male. And once I transitioned, oh my! Everything changed. Within seven days, I lost every single one of my jobs, and I would not have been invited onto a rowboat, let alone a 22-million-dollar yacht. (Laughter) Not exactly the life I was planning for. I was able to build a new life, but it was way, way harder than it was before. I live in the borderlands. Now, I'm completely comfortable in the world of women, but I'll always be a little bit of an expat from another land. (Laughter) It's my reality. That said, there's a lot I'm learning that, guys, men, I don't think there is any way you could learn unless you also transition genders. (Laughter) (Cheers) (Applause) So just for brevity's sake, we're going to make the assumption that's not likely to happen. (Laughter) Seems like a safe assumption. So maybe you can hear me out. So you get home from work, and you have that deer-in-the-headlights look because your wife is absolutely furious with you, and you are clueless as to the reason, but you have been married long enough to know not to argue with her, and so you just admit your guilt even though you have no idea if you're admitting to a misdemeanor or a felony. (Laughter) You know that feeling? Yeah, I know that feeling. Guys, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but most of the times that happens, it's because you deserve it. (Laughter) (Applause) See, there are people who agree. (Laughter) There are things you don't get. I know, I didn't either. I know you're one of the good guys. I know you work hard to get it right. I know you run the race with integrity, but here's the thing: you started closer to the finish line than anyone else. (Applause) (Cheers) That's the reality. I know, I did too. Women in America earn between 53 and 79 cents on the dollar of what men earn. 6.6 percent of Fortune 500 CEOs are female. 4.8 percent of Silicon Valley CEOs. Three percent of venture capital goes to female-owned firms. You know, the myth is that women don't get raises because they don't ask for them. The reality is they ask for them every bit as often as men do, they just don't get them. That's the reality. (Applause) I'm sure you've heard a lot of these statistics before, I know I certainly had. But they never really registered with me. But oh, they register with me now! (Laughter) Because now I'm living those statistics. So I thought maybe I would bring at least a little bit of my privilege with me in my new life. You know, I could go into a business meeting, and let's say things go sideways in the meeting, and I become angry. Well, I would be allowed to express my anger. Because certainly as a male, I was allowed to express my anger. It was just a sign of passion for the subject. As a female, you express anger in a business meeting, the whole room goes dead silent, and now you're "that crazy woman." (Laughter) Then someone takes you aside and says, "Oh dear, you're much too emotional," which then actually causes you to become a crazy woman. (Laughter) It is maddening! So no, apparently I did not bring my privilege with me. Or so I thought. I was building my new life, and I became one of three co-leaders of a new, young, growing nonprofit. We each had our areas of responsibility and our startup was thriving. But then one day, one of my coworkers came to me, one of my co-leaders, and she said, "So on paper it says that we're co-equal leaders, but in reality, it doesn't really work out that way. In reality, your opinion wins every single time. Now, some of that is because I need to step up. I understand that. But some of that is because ... your opinion wins every single time." And somewhere way down, deep inside, I knew ... she was right. So I had brought my privilege with me. I was traveling a lot around the United States and Europe, speaking. There were times that people had to pick up the slack for me at home, but that was okay because I had decades of experience in the field - my contribution was important. It was still all about me. All about my work, my agenda. Just like when I was a guy. And it's not the person I wanted to be. And I was lost, really lost. But I discovered that's alright because lost is a place, too. And sometimes you just have to spend some time in a place called lost. (Laughter) (Applause) Right? Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. But we all find out lost is a place, too. And you just have to stay there till you can figure things out. And I thought, "What do I need to do to make it right?" But then I was talking to one of my very best friends, and I said, "What should I do?" And she said, "Well now that you know you brought your privilege with you, don't you think it might be time to give it up?" And I said, "And why exactly - (Laughter) do I consider you to be one of my best friends?" (Laughter) But I knew she was right. And so I stepped down from leadership so a very capable woman could step up into the lead spot. But here's the troubling question: Would I have done that if I was still living as a male? I'm not sure I would have. I might have stopped that conversation before it ever even really began. Deference is difficult for men. Deference is not a respected male trait. But until female traits are respected as much as male traits, we're never going to get anywhere near gender equity. (Applause) (Cheers) Never. (Applause) So guys, what if? What if you really, really got it? What if you really, really understood just how much the world is tilted in your favor, what would you do then? When I was still living as Paul, I'm not sure I really believed that the world was tilted in my favor. I had to transition to figure that out. I wish I could go back and whisper in Paul's ear. I would say, "Dude! Get your act together! Cut your salary and create pay equity in this company. And step down from your position as CEO sooner than you were expecting so a woman can take your place." Would I have listened? Oh, I hope so! Because there's so much hanging in the balance of guys like Paul listening and doing the right thing. And you say, "I'm not a CEO, what can I do?" You know, one single thing would make a huge difference, guys. If in all of your interactions with women, you would assume that a woman knows what she's talking about and treat her accordingly, (Applause) (Cheers) it would go a very long way. (Applause) (Whistling) Yeah. (Applause) Yup, that plus ... stop interrupting us, really. Just stop interrupting, just stop. Men interrupt women twice as often as they interrupt other men. But those two things would not bring us to gender equity. We will not achieve gender equity just by giving women more leadership opportunities. Men, we will not achieve gender equity until you're willing to give women your leadership opportunities. That's the reality. And guys, what do you get for that? Well, first of all, it's profitable. Companies that have true gender equity increase their profitability by no less than 10 to 15 percent. Second, guys, you'll have far fewer deer-in-the-headlights moments related to the females in your life. Just saying, nice side benefit. (Laughter) But most importantly, you'll be creating a far more just world for your own daughters and granddaughters. You know, I never took another trip on that yacht. And for a long time, I thought about the inequality I saw there that day and the fact that I had done virtually nothing about it and still wasn't doing anything about inequality. But you know, it's never too late to do the right thing. We are all on a journey into the unknown, undertaken when we rather would just be sitting on the couch, binge-watching somebody else's journey. (Laughter) But this living is serious business, and we are all pilgrims called forward by our better angels toward the greater good. And for all the uncertainty, we can know two things: the world can change for the better, but somebody has to pay the price. We will not achieve gender equity by giving women more leadership opportunities, guys. We will achieve gender equity when you make sure women have your leadership opportunities. Thank you. (Applause) (Cheers)