What are you doing on this stage in front of all these people?
Unafanya nini katika jukwaa hili mbele ya watu wote hawa?
(Laughter)
(Kicheko)
Run!
Kimbia!
(Laughter)
(Kicheko)
Run now.
Kimbia sasa.
That's the voice of my anxiety talking. Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong, I sometimes get this overwhelming sense of doom, like danger is lurking just around the corner.
Hii ni sauti ya hofu yangu inaongea. Hata kama hakuna tatizo lolote, Kuna wakati huwa napata hisia za mahangaiko, kama hatari inaninyemelea kwenye kona.
You see, a few years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression -- two conditions that often go hand in hand. Now, there was a time I wouldn't have told anybody, especially not in front of a big audience. As a black woman, I've had to develop extraordinary resilience to succeed. And like most people in my community, I had the misconception that depression was a sign of weakness, a character flaw. But I wasn't weak; I was a high achiever. I'd earned a Master's degree in Media Studies and had a string of high-profile jobs in the film and television industries. I'd even won two Emmy Awards for my hard work. Sure, I was totally spent, I lacked interest in things I used to enjoy, barely ate, struggled with insomnia and felt isolated and depleted. But depressed? No, not me.
Unaona, miaka michache iliyopita, Niligundulika na ugonjwa wa msongo wa hofu na mawazo -- hali mbili ambazo huenda pamoja. Sasa, kuna wakati nisingemuambia mtu yoyote, hususani mbele ya umati mkubwa. Kama mwanamke mwenye ngozi nyeusi, Nimetakiwa kujijengea ustahimilivu wa hali ya juu ili kufanikiwa. Na kama watu wengi katika jamii yangu, Nilikuwa na imani potofu kwamba msongo wa mawazo ni kiashiria cha udhaifu, udhaifu wa tabia. Lakini sikuwa dhaifu; Nilikuwa nimefanikiwa kwa hali ya juu. Nilipata Shahada ya Uzamili kwenye masomo ya vyombo vya habari na kuwa na kazi za hadhi ya juu katika tasnia ya filamu na televisheni. Nimeshinda hata tuzo mbili za Emmy kwa uchapakazi kazi wangu. Hakika, Nilitumika sana, Nilikosa hamu katika vitu nilivyozoea kuvifurahia, nilikula mara chache, nilisumbuka kupata usingizi na nilijihisi kutengwa na kushuka thamani. Lakini kuwa na masononeko? Hapana, sio mimi.
It took weeks before I could admit it, but the doctor was right: I was depressed. Still, I didn't tell anybody about my diagnosis. I was too ashamed. I didn't think I had the right to be depressed. I had a privileged life with a loving family and a successful career. And when I thought about the unspeakable horrors that my ancestors had been through in this country so that I could have it better, my shame grew even deeper. I was standing on their shoulders. How could I let them down? I would hold my head up, put a smile on my face and never tell a soul.
Ilinichukua wiki kadhaa kabla ya kukubaliana na hali yangu, lakini daktari alikuwa sahihi: Nilikumbwa na msongo wa mawazo. Bado, sikumwambia mtu yoyote kuhusu majibu ya uchunguzi. Nilihisi aibu. Sikudhani nilipaswa kusongwa na mawazo. Nilikuwa na maisha yenye kipaumbele yenye familia iliyo na upendo na kazi iliyo na mafanikio. Na nilipowaza kuhusu maafa yasiyofikirika ambayo mababu zangu walipitia katika nchi hii ili niwe na maisha bora, aibu yangu iliongezeka zaidi. Nilikuwa nimesimama kwenye mabega yao. Ningewezaje kuwaangusha? Nilinyanyua kichwa changu na kuangalia juu, na kuweka tabasamu katika uso wangu na kutoiambia nafsi yoyote.
On July 4, 2013, my world came crashing in on me. That was the day I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my 22-year-old nephew, Paul, had ended his life, after years of battling depression and anxiety. There are no words that can describe the devastation I felt. Paul and I were very close, but I had no idea he was in so much pain. Neither one of us had ever talked to the other about our struggles. The shame and stigma kept us both silent.
Mnamo tarehe 4, Julai mwaka 2013, dunia yangu ilipasuka ndani yangu. Hiyo ilikuwa siku nilipokea simu kutoka kwa mama yangu akiniambia kwamba mpwa wangu mwenye miaka 22, Paul, amejiua, baada ya miaka kadhaa ya kupambana na msongo wa mawazo na hofu. Hakuna maneno ambayo yanaweza kuelezea namna gani nilijisikia vibaya. Mimi na Paul tulikuwa karibu, lakini sikutambua alikuwa akipitia maumivu makubwa. Hakuna yeyote kati yetu ambaye aliwahi kumwambia mwenzie kuhusu mahangaiko aliyokuwa akipitia. Aibu na unyanyapaa ulitufanya wote kuwa kimya.
Now, my way of dealing with adversity is to face it head on, so I spent the next two years researching depression and anxiety, and what I found was mind-blowing. The World Health Organization reports that depression is the leading cause of sickness and disability in the world. While the exact cause of depression isn't clear, research suggests that most mental disorders develop, at least in part, because of a chemical imbalance in the brain, and/or an underlying genetic predisposition. So you can't just shake it off.
Sasa, namna yangu ya kupambana na mikosi ni kuitazama bila uoga, kwa hiyo nilitumia miaka miwili baadaye kufanyia utafiti msongo wa mawazo na hofu, na niligundua jambo la kushangaza. Taasisi ya Afya Duniani imetoa ripoti ikisema kwamba msongo wa mawazo ni sababu kuu ya magonjwa na ulemavu duniani. Wakati sababu hasa ya msongo wa mawazo haijatambulika, utafiti unaelezea kwamba magonjwa mengi ya akili hujitokeza, walau katika sehemu, kwa sababu ya kutolingana kwa kemikali katika ubongo, na/au katika utengenezaji wa mwanzo wa jenetikia. Kwa hiyo huwezi kuachana nayo tu.
For black Americans, stressors like racism and socioeconomic disparities put them at a 20 percent greater risk of developing a mental disorder, yet they seek mental health services at about half the rate of white Americans. One reason is the stigma, with 63 percent of black Americans mistaking depression for a weakness. Sadly, the suicide rate among black children has doubled in the past 20 years.
Kwa Wamarekani weusi, vileta msongo wa mawazo kama ubaguzi wa rangi na utofauti wa hali ya kiuchumi katika jamii huwaweka katika asilimia 20 zaidi ya kupata ugonjwa wa akili, na bado hutafuta huduma za afya ya akili katika kiwango sawa na nusu ya Wamarekani weupe. Sababu moja ni unyanyapaa, ikiwa asilimia 63 ya Wamarekani weusi hukosea kwa kuwaza kwamba msongo wa mawazo ni udhaifu. Cha kusikitisha, kasi ya watoto weusi ambao hujiua imeongezeka mara mbili katika miaka 20 iliyopita.
Now, here's the good news: seventy percent of people struggling with depression will improve with therapy, treatment and medication. Armed with this information, I made a decision: I wasn't going to be silent anymore. With my family's blessing, I would share our story in hopes of sparking a national conversation.
Sasa, hii ni habari njema: asilimia 70 ya watu ambao wanasumbuka na msongo wa mawazo hali zao zitaboreka kwa kupata tiba na dawa. Wakipewa taarifa, Nimechukua uamuzi: Sitakuwa kimya tena. Na baraka za familia yangu, Nitasimulia hadithi yetu katika matumaini ya kuleta mjadala wa kitaifa.
A friend, Kelly Pierre-Louis, said, "Being strong is killing us." She's right. We have got to retire those tired, old narratives of the strong black woman and the super-masculine black man, who, no matter how many times they get knocked down, just shake it off and soldier on. Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness. Feelings mean we're human. And when we deny our humanity, it leaves us feeling empty inside, searching for ways to self-medicate in order to fill the void. My drug was high achievement.
Rafiki yangu, Kelly Pierre-Loius, alisema, "Kuwa ngangari hutuua." Alikuwa sahihi. Tunabidi kuondokana na hizo imani ziilizopitwa na wakati kuhusu mwanamke mweusi jasiri na mwanaume mweusi kuwa mwanaume hasa, ambaye, haijalishi mara ngapi wakidondoshwa, hujifuta na kisha husonga mbele. Kuwa na hisia sio dalili ya udhaifu. Hisia zinamaanisha kwamba sisi ni binadamu. Na pale tunapoukana ubinadamu wetu, hutuacha wapweke ndani, tukitafuta njia za kujiponya ili kuepukana na upweke. Dawa yangu ilikuwa mafanikio makubwa.
These days, I share my story openly, and I ask others to share theirs, too. I believe that's what it takes to help people who may be suffering in silence to know that they are not alone and to know that with help, they can heal. Now, I still have my struggles, particularly with the anxiety, but I'm able to manage it through daily mediation, yoga and a relatively healthy diet.
Siku hizi, naweza kusimulia hadithi yangu wazi, na kuwauliza wengine kusimulia zao, pia. Naamini hicho ndicho kinachoweza kusaidia watu wanaohangaika katika ukimya ili wajue kwamba hawapo peke yao na kujua kwamba kwa msaada, wanaweza kupona. Sasa, bado nina mahangaiko yangu, hasa kutokana na hofu, lakini ninaweza kukabiliana na hali hio kwa kutafakari kila siku, kufanya yoga na kula vizuri kiasi.
(Laughter)
(Kicheko)
If I feel like things are starting to spiral, I make an appointment to see my therapist, a dynamic black woman named Dawn Armstrong, who has a great sense of humor and a familiarity that I find comforting. I will always regret that I couldn't be there for my nephew. But my sincerest hope is that I can inspire others with the lesson that I've learned.
Kama nikiona kwamba hali inaanza kuwa mbaya, Huwa nawasiliana na mtoa tiba wangu, mwanamke mweusi anayeitwa Dawn Armstrong, ambaye ni mcheshi na mwenye uzoea ambao hunipa faraja. Daima nitajuta sikuwepo kumsaidia mpwa wangu. Lakini tumaini langu la kweli ni kwamba niwahamasishe wengine kutokana na somo nililojifunza.
Life is beautiful. Sometimes it's messy, and it's always unpredictable. But it will all be OK when you have your support system to help you through it. I hope that if your burden gets too heavy, you'll ask for a hand, too.
Maisha ni mazuri. Kuna wakati yanavurugika, na hayatabiriki siku zote. Lakini kila kitu kitakuwa sawa unapokuwa na mfumo ambao utakusaidia kuyashinda yote. Nina imani kama mzigo wako ukiwa mzito sana, utaomba msaada, pia.
Thank you.
Asante.
(Applause)
(Makofi)