What are you doing on this stage in front of all these people?
Što radiš na ovoj pozornici pred svim ovim ljudima?
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Run!
Bježi!
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
Run now.
Bježi odmah!
That's the voice of my anxiety talking. Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong, I sometimes get this overwhelming sense of doom, like danger is lurking just around the corner.
To govori moja tjeskoba. Čak i kada je sve u redu, ponekad me uhvati jako loš osjećaj, kao da opasnost vreba iza ugla.
You see, a few years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression -- two conditions that often go hand in hand. Now, there was a time I wouldn't have told anybody, especially not in front of a big audience. As a black woman, I've had to develop extraordinary resilience to succeed. And like most people in my community, I had the misconception that depression was a sign of weakness, a character flaw. But I wasn't weak; I was a high achiever. I'd earned a Master's degree in Media Studies and had a string of high-profile jobs in the film and television industries. I'd even won two Emmy Awards for my hard work. Sure, I was totally spent, I lacked interest in things I used to enjoy, barely ate, struggled with insomnia and felt isolated and depleted. But depressed? No, not me.
Prije nekoliko godina rekli su mi da patim od tjeskobe i depresije, dva stanja koja često idu zajedno. Prije to nikome ne bih rekla, pogotovo ne pred grupom ljudi. Kao Afroamerikanka, morala sam se jako potruditi da nešto postignem. Kao i mnogi drugi u mojoj zajednici, mislila sam da je depresija slabost, karakterna mana. Ali nisam bila slaba, bila sam veoma uspješna. Magistrirala sam medijskih znanosti i imala sam niz veoma važnih poslova na filmu i televiziji. Čak sam osvojila i dvije Emmy nagrade za svoj rad. Naravno, bila sam potpuno iscrpljena, izgubila sam interes za ono što me prije zabavljalo, jedva išta jela, mučila se s nesanicom i osjećala se samo i istrošeno. No depresivno? Ne, nikako.
It took weeks before I could admit it, but the doctor was right: I was depressed. Still, I didn't tell anybody about my diagnosis. I was too ashamed. I didn't think I had the right to be depressed. I had a privileged life with a loving family and a successful career. And when I thought about the unspeakable horrors that my ancestors had been through in this country so that I could have it better, my shame grew even deeper. I was standing on their shoulders. How could I let them down? I would hold my head up, put a smile on my face and never tell a soul.
Prošli su tjedni prije nego što sam priznala, ali liječnik je bio u pravu: patila sam od depresije. Svejedno nisam nikome rekla ništa o tome. Bilo me previše sram. Mislila sam da nemam pravo biti u depresiji. Imala sam dobar život, predivnu obitelj i uspješnu karijeru. A kada sam razmišljala o grozotama koje su prošli moji preci u ovoj državi, kako bi meni bilo bolje, osjećala sam još veći sram. Oni su svojim postignućima utrli put za mene. Kako sam ih mogla izdati? Podigla bih glavu, nabacila osmijeh i ne bih rekla nikome.
On July 4, 2013, my world came crashing in on me. That was the day I got a phone call from my mom telling me that my 22-year-old nephew, Paul, had ended his life, after years of battling depression and anxiety. There are no words that can describe the devastation I felt. Paul and I were very close, but I had no idea he was in so much pain. Neither one of us had ever talked to the other about our struggles. The shame and stigma kept us both silent.
Četvrtog srpnja 2013. moj svijet se srušio. Tog dana nazvala me majka i rekla da se moj 22-godišnji nećak, Paul, ubio, nakon godina borbe protiv depresije i tjeskobe. Riječima se ne može opisati kako sam se osjećala. Bili smo jako bliski, ali nisam imala pojma da je toliko patio. Nikada nismo razgovarali o svojim problemima. Šutjeli smo zbog srama i stigme.
Now, my way of dealing with adversity is to face it head on, so I spent the next two years researching depression and anxiety, and what I found was mind-blowing. The World Health Organization reports that depression is the leading cause of sickness and disability in the world. While the exact cause of depression isn't clear, research suggests that most mental disorders develop, at least in part, because of a chemical imbalance in the brain, and/or an underlying genetic predisposition. So you can't just shake it off.
Inače se izravno suočavam s problemima, pa sam iduće dvije godine provela istražujući depresiju i tjeskobu, a ono što sam otkrila veoma me iznenadilo. Svjetska zdravstvena organizacija kaže da je depresija glavni uzrok bolesti i invaliditeta u svijetu. Iako pravi uzrok depresije još nije jasan, istraživanja kažu da se većina mentalnih poremećaja, barem djelomično, razvije zbog kemijske neravnoteže u mozgu, i/ili zbog genetske predispozicije. Znači, ne možete se toga samo tako riješiti.
For black Americans, stressors like racism and socioeconomic disparities put them at a 20 percent greater risk of developing a mental disorder, yet they seek mental health services at about half the rate of white Americans. One reason is the stigma, with 63 percent of black Americans mistaking depression for a weakness. Sadly, the suicide rate among black children has doubled in the past 20 years.
Afroamerikanci zbog rasizma ili socioekonomske nejednakosti imaju 20% veće šanse da obole od mentalnog poremećaja, no, u usporedbi s bijelcima, samo pola njih će zatražiti liječničku pomoć. Jedan od razloga je stigma, jer 63% Afroamerikanaca smatra depresiju slabošću. Nažalost, stopa samoubojstva afroameričke djece udvostručila se u posljednjih 20 godina.
Now, here's the good news: seventy percent of people struggling with depression will improve with therapy, treatment and medication. Armed with this information, I made a decision: I wasn't going to be silent anymore. With my family's blessing, I would share our story in hopes of sparking a national conversation.
Evo i dobrih vijesti: 70% ljudi koji se bore s depresijom osjećat će se bolje uz terapiju, liječenje i lijekove. Znajući ovu informaciju, nešto sam odlučila: više neću šutjeti. Uz podršku svoje obitelji, podijelit ću našu priču nadajući se da će potaknuti raspravu na državnoj razini.
A friend, Kelly Pierre-Louis, said, "Being strong is killing us." She's right. We have got to retire those tired, old narratives of the strong black woman and the super-masculine black man, who, no matter how many times they get knocked down, just shake it off and soldier on. Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness. Feelings mean we're human. And when we deny our humanity, it leaves us feeling empty inside, searching for ways to self-medicate in order to fill the void. My drug was high achievement.
Prijateljica Kelly Pierre-Louis jednom je rekla, "Naša snaga nas ubija." U pravu je. Moramo se ostaviti onih starih priča o snažnim Afroamerikankama i super-muževnim Afroamerikancima koji se, bez obzira koliko puta pali, uvijek dižu i nastavljaju dalje. Osjećaji nisu znak slabosti. Osjećaji znače da smo ljudi. Kada niječemo svoju ljudskost, postajemo prazni iznutra i tražimo načine da lijekovima sami popunimo tu prazninu. Moja droga bila je uspješnost.
These days, I share my story openly, and I ask others to share theirs, too. I believe that's what it takes to help people who may be suffering in silence to know that they are not alone and to know that with help, they can heal. Now, I still have my struggles, particularly with the anxiety, but I'm able to manage it through daily mediation, yoga and a relatively healthy diet.
Sada dijelim svoju priču s drugima i molim ostale da podijele svoju. Mislim da je to potrebno kako bi se pomoglo onima koji pate u tišini te da znaju da nisu sami i da im uz pravu pomoć može biti bolje. Još uvijek imam problema, naročito s tjeskobom, ali uspijevam je kontrolirati uz tuđu pomoć, yogu i relativno zdravu prehranu.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
If I feel like things are starting to spiral, I make an appointment to see my therapist, a dynamic black woman named Dawn Armstrong, who has a great sense of humor and a familiarity that I find comforting. I will always regret that I couldn't be there for my nephew. But my sincerest hope is that I can inspire others with the lesson that I've learned.
Ako osjetim da gubim kontrolu, dogovorim sastanak sa svojim terapeutom, dinamičnom Afroamerikankom Dawn Armstrong, koja ima odličan smisao za humor i prisnost uz koju se osjećam ugodno. Uvijek ću žaliti što nisam mogla pomoći svom nećaku. Ali iskreno se nadam da onime što sam naučila mogu pomoći drugima.
Life is beautiful. Sometimes it's messy, and it's always unpredictable. But it will all be OK when you have your support system to help you through it. I hope that if your burden gets too heavy, you'll ask for a hand, too.
Život je lijep. Nekad je zbrkan i uvijek je nepredvidljiv. Ali, sve će biti u redu ako imate nešto da vas vodi i podržava. Nadam se da ćete i vi zatražiti pomoć ako vam postane preteško.
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)