When I was young, I prided myself as a nonconformist in the conservative U.S. state I live in, Kansas. I didn't follow along with the crowd. I wasn't afraid to try weird clothing trends or hairstyles. I was outspoken and extremely social. Even these pictures and postcards of my London semester abroad 16 years ago show that I obviously didn't care if I was perceived as weird or different. (Laughter)
我年紀尚小時,常為自己 從不墨守成規而感到驕傲。 那時的我生活在 保守的美國堪薩斯州。 我並沒有追隨潮流。 勇於嘗試各種奇裝異服或怪異髮型, 也常常直言不諱,熱衷於社交。 這些照片是16年前我去倫敦交換 那個學期拍攝的照片和明信片, 從中也可以看出我並不在乎 別人是否認為我怪異或另類。 (笑聲)
But that same year I was in London, 16 years ago, I realized something about myself that actually was somewhat unique, and that changed everything. I became the opposite of who I thought I once was. I stayed in my room instead of socializing. I stopped engaging in clubs and leadership activities. I didn't want to stand out in the crowd anymore. I told myself it was because I was growing up and maturing, not that I was suddenly looking for acceptance. I had always assumed I was immune to needing acceptance. After all, I was a bit unconventional. But I realize now that the moment I realized something was different about me was the exact same moment that I began conforming and hiding.
但就在 16 年前, 我在倫敦的那一年, 我意識到自己身上有些特別之處, 而那從此改變了一切。 我竟變得和從前的自己判若兩人。 我整天待在房間裡,不再出去社交。 我不再參與俱樂部和 領導者培訓活動。 我再也不想在眾人面前特立獨行了。 我告訴自己,那是因為我在長大, 在變得更加成熟, 而並非因為我突然想要 尋求他人的接受。 我之前一直假定自己不需要被接受。 畢竟我還是挺脫俗的。 可如今的我意識到, 我發覺自己有些特立獨行的那一刻, 正是我開始循規蹈矩、 隱藏自我的那一刻。
Hiding is a progressive habit, and once you start hiding, it becomes harder and harder to step forward and speak out. In fact, even now, when I was talking to people about what this talk was about, I made up a cover story and I even hid the truth about my TED Talk. So it is fitting and scary that I have returned to this city 16 years later and I have chosen this stage to finally stop hiding. What have I been hiding for 16 years? I am a lesbian.
隱藏是一種漸進的習慣, 一旦你開始隱藏自己, 重新站出來展現自我、表達自我 就會變得越來越艱難。 事實上,即使是現在, 當我跟別人探討這次演講的內容, 我仍會編造出一個假故事來, 而我甚至還隱瞞了 要在 TED 演講的真相。 因此這次機會既合時宜, 又令我感到害怕, 我在十六年後重新回到這個城市, 並選擇在這個舞台上, 為隱藏自我劃下句點。 16 年來我都在隱藏什麼呢? 我是一個女同性戀。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
Thank you.
謝謝。
I've struggled to say those words, because I didn't want to be defined by them. Every time I would think about coming out in the past, I would think to myself, but I just want to be known as Morgana, uniquely Morgana, but not "my lesbian friend Morgana," or "my gay coworker Morgana." Just Morgana.
一直以來我掙扎著將這幾個字說出口, 因為我不想就此被它們定義。 過去每當我想要出櫃時, 我都會暗想,我只想做我自己, 那個獨一無二的莫甘娜, 而不是「我的同性戀朋友莫甘娜」, 或者「我的同性戀同事莫甘娜」。 我就是我,莫甘娜。
For those of you from large metropolitan areas, this may not seem like a big deal to you. It may seem strange that I have suppressed the truth and hidden this for so long. But I was paralyzed by my fear of not being accepted. And I'm not alone, of course. A 2013 Deloitte study found that a surprisingly large number of people hide aspects of their identity. Of all the employees they surveyed, 61 percent reported changing an aspect of their behavior or their appearance in order to fit in at work. Of all the gay, lesbian and bisexual employees, 83 percent admitted to changing some aspects of themselves so they would not appear at work "too gay." The study found that even in companies with diversity policies and inclusion programs, employees struggle to be themselves at work because they believe conformity is critical to their long-term career advancement. And while I was surprised that so many people just like me waste so much energy trying to hide themselves, I was scared when I discovered that my silence has life-or-death consequences and long-term social repercussions.
對於在座來自大都市的各位來說, 這個問題或許根本不值一提。 或許這看起來甚是奇怪, 我竟然將這個真相 壓抑、隱藏了如此之久。 但我被那份不被人接受 的恐懼降服了。 當然,有相同感受的並非我一人。 2013 年德勤的一項研究發現, 有相當多的人,多到令人驚訝, 都在自己的身份方面有所隱藏。 在這項研究調查的所有僱員中, 有 61% 的人表明他們曾改變 自己某一方面的行為或外表, 以適應工作環境。 在所有同性戀和雙性戀僱員中, 83% 的人承認自己 有過某些方面的改變, 以在工作場合表現得 「不那麼同性戀」。 研究還發現,甚至在那些 有多元化政策和融合性計劃的公司中, 僱員們仍然難以在工作場合做自己, 因為他們相信,順從和一致性 對於他們長期的職業發展來說 是至關重要的。 儘管我驚訝於這麼多像我一樣的人 都浪費了這麼多精力 去試圖隱藏自己, 但我還是恐懼的發現,我的沉默 有著生死攸關的後果 和長期的社會影響。
Twelve years: the length by which life expectancy is shortened for gay, lesbian and bisexual people in highly anti-gay communities compared to accepting communities. Twelve years reduced life expectancy. When I read that in The Advocate magazine this year, I realized I could no longer afford to keep silent. The effects of personal stress and social stigmas are a deadly combination. The study found that gays in anti-gay communities had higher rates of heart disease, violence and suicide. What I once thought was simply a personal matter I realized had a ripple effect that went into the workplace and out into the community for every story just like mine. My choice to hide and not share who I really am may have inadvertently contributed to this exact same environment and atmosphere of discrimination.
十二年: 壽命預期將會縮短十二年, 如果你把那些生活在 極端反同性戀和雙性戀的社區 和相對接納同性戀的社區 相比較的話。 壽命預期縮短了整整十二年。 今年,當我在同性戀雜誌“Advocate”上 讀到這一條內容時, 我意識到自己再也不能 繼續沉默下去了。 個人壓力和社會歧視的結合 會產生致命的結果。 研究發現,那些生活在 反同性戀社區 更有可能會出現心臟疾病、 暴力和自殺。 我之前一直以為這是個私人問題, 可如今卻意識到它有漣漪效應, 影響著工作場合和延伸至社區, 就像每一個與我類似的故事一樣。 我選擇了隱藏自己, 不去分享真實的自我, 但這或許在無意間助長了相同的環境 以及歧視的氛圍。
I'd always told myself there's no reason to share that I was gay, but the idea that my silence has social consequences was really driven home this year when I missed an opportunity to change the atmosphere of discrimination in my own home state of Kansas.
我曾一直告訴自己, 沒有什麼理由告訴別人我是同性戀, 但我的沉默有著社會影響的這一想法 直到今年才閃入我的腦海, 我一直以來都錯過了 在家鄉堪薩斯州 改變歧視氛圍的一個機會。
In February, the Kansas House of Representatives brought up a bill for vote that would have essentially allowed businesses to use religious freedom as a reason to deny gays services. A former coworker and friend of mine has a father who serves in the Kansas House of Representatives. He voted in favor of the bill, in favor of a law that would allow businesses to not serve me.
在二月,堪薩斯州眾議院 提出一項法案待表決, 那將在原則上容許企業 以宗教自由為理由, 拒絕為同性戀者提供服務。 我的一個舊同事兼好友的父親 在堪薩斯州的眾議院任職。 他對這項法案投了贊成票, 支持了這項容許企業 拒絕為我提供服務的法案。
How does my friend feel about lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people? How does her father feel? I don't know, because I was never honest with them about who I am. And that shakes me to the core. What if I had told her my story years ago? Could she have told her father my experience? Could I have ultimately helped change his vote? I will never know, and that made me realize I had done nothing to try to make a difference.
而我的朋友對於同性戀、雙性戀、 變性人、酷兒和對身份困惑的人 是如何看待的呢? 她的父親對這些人又是如何看待的呢? 我不知道,因為我從未誠實地 向他們坦白我是同性戀這一事實。 而那讓我內心十分震撼。 如果我多年前就把真相告訴她, 事情會怎麼樣呢? 她會將我的經歷告訴她的父親嗎? 我會最終改變他投下的那一票嗎? 我永遠都不會知道了, 而那令我意識到, 自己沒有做出任何努力 去試著帶來改變。
How ironic that I work in human resources, a profession that works to welcome, connect and encourage the development of employees, a profession that advocates that the diversity of society should be reflected in the workplace, and yet I have done nothing to advocate for diversity. When I came to this company one year ago, I thought to myself, this company has anti-discrimination policies that protect gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. Their commitment to diversity is evident through their global inclusion programs. When I walk through the doors of this company, I will finally come out. But I didn't. Instead of taking advantage of the opportunity, I did nothing.
多麼諷刺啊,我在人力資源部工作, 這是一項致力於歡迎、 聯繫並鼓勵僱員發展的職位, 一項倡導應當在工作場合 反映出社會多元化的職位, 然而我沒有為倡導多元化 出任何一份力。 當我一年前來到這家公司時, 我暗想,這家公司有反歧視政策, 會保護同性戀、雙性戀和變性人。 他們對多元化的承諾已經在 全球兼容並包項目中得到展現。 當我走進這家公司的門時, 我終於就可以出櫃了。 可我並沒有。 我並沒有好好利用這個機會, 什麼都沒做。
(Applause)
(掌聲)
When I was looking through my London journal and scrapbook from my London semester abroad 16 years ago, I came across this modified quote from Toni Morrison's book, "Paradise." "There are more scary things inside than outside." And then I wrote a note to myself at the bottom: "Remember this." I'm sure I was trying to encourage myself to get out and explore London, but the message I missed was the need to start exploring and embracing myself. What I didn't realize until all these years later is that the biggest obstacles I will ever have to overcome are my own fears and insecurities. I believe that by facing my fears inside, I will be able to change reality outside. I made a choice today to reveal a part of myself that I have hidden for too long. I hope that this means I will never hide again, and I hope that by coming out today, I can do something to change the data and also to help others who feel different be more themselves and more fulfilled in both their professional and personal lives. Thank you. (Applause)
當我翻看 16 年前 在倫敦那個學期的 倫敦日誌和剪貼簿時, 偶然發現一句來自托尼•莫里森的書 「天堂」中的句子。 「源自內心的恐懼比外界更多。」 然後我在頁尾給自己寫下了: 「記住這句話。」 我確定當時是在為自己加油鼓勵, 要出去走走,探索倫敦, 但是我卻忽略了開始探索自己、 悅納自己的需求。 這麼多年後我才意識到的是 我需要跨越的最大障礙 永遠是我自己的恐懼和不安。 我相信,直接面對自己內心的恐懼, 我將能夠改變外在現實。 今天,我做出決定, 要揭露隱藏了太久太久 的一部份自己。 我希望這意味著我 不會再次隱藏自己, 我也希望透過今天在這裡出櫃,我能夠 為改變那些駭人數據而做出點事情, 並幫助其他覺得自己與衆不同的人 更加做自己, 並在職場和生活中獲得更多滿足。 謝謝大家。 (掌聲)