When I was young, I prided myself as a nonconformist in the conservative U.S. state I live in, Kansas. I didn't follow along with the crowd. I wasn't afraid to try weird clothing trends or hairstyles. I was outspoken and extremely social. Even these pictures and postcards of my London semester abroad 16 years ago show that I obviously didn't care if I was perceived as weird or different. (Laughter)
Kada sam bila mlada, ponosila sam se sobom kao nekonformistom koji živi u konzervativnoj državi SAD-a - Kanzasu. Nisam radila što i većina, nisam se bojala da isprobam neobične trendove u oblačenju ili frizure. Bila sam otvorena i izrazito društvena. Čak i ove fotografije i razglednice sa mog semestra u Londonu, od pre 16 godina, pokazuju da očigledno nisam marila da li će me drugi smatrati čudnom ili drugačijom. (Smeh)
But that same year I was in London, 16 years ago, I realized something about myself that actually was somewhat unique, and that changed everything. I became the opposite of who I thought I once was. I stayed in my room instead of socializing. I stopped engaging in clubs and leadership activities. I didn't want to stand out in the crowd anymore. I told myself it was because I was growing up and maturing, not that I was suddenly looking for acceptance. I had always assumed I was immune to needing acceptance. After all, I was a bit unconventional. But I realize now that the moment I realized something was different about me was the exact same moment that I began conforming and hiding.
Ali te iste godine, kada sam bila u Londonu, pre 16 godina, shvatila sam o sebi nešto što je bilo prilično jedinstveno, i to je promenilo sve. Postala sam suprotnost onome što sam o sebi ranije mislila. Ostajala sam u svojoj sobi umesto da se družim. Prestala sam da učestvujem u klubovima i aktivnostima koje uključuju vođstvo. Nisam više želela da se izdvajam iz gomile. Govorila sam sebi da je to posledica odrastanja i sazrevanja, a ne jer sam iznenada tražila prihvatanje. Oduvek sam smatrala da sam na tu potrebu imuna. Na kraju krajeva, bila sam donekle nekonvencionalna. Ali sada mi je jasno da je trenutak u kojem sam shvatila da sam po nečemu drugačija bio baš isti trenutak u kojem sam počela se uklapam i krijem.
Hiding is a progressive habit, and once you start hiding, it becomes harder and harder to step forward and speak out. In fact, even now, when I was talking to people about what this talk was about, I made up a cover story and I even hid the truth about my TED Talk. So it is fitting and scary that I have returned to this city 16 years later and I have chosen this stage to finally stop hiding. What have I been hiding for 16 years? I am a lesbian.
Skrivanje je navika koja napreduje, i kada jednom počnete da se krijete, postaje sve teže i teže da istupite i kažete svoje mišljenje. Zapravo, čak i sada, kada sam ljudima pričala o temi ovog govora, izmislila sam priču kojom bih zabašurila istinu. I čak sam sakrila istinu o mom TED govoru. Tako da je prikladno i zastrašujuće to što sam se nakon 16 godina vratila u ovaj grad i što sam izabrala ovu pozornicu da konačno prestanem da se krijem. Šta sam to krila 16 godina? Ja sam lezbejka.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
Thank you.
Hvala.
I've struggled to say those words, because I didn't want to be defined by them. Every time I would think about coming out in the past, I would think to myself, but I just want to be known as Morgana, uniquely Morgana, but not "my lesbian friend Morgana," or "my gay coworker Morgana." Just Morgana.
Opirala sam se izgovaranju ovih reči, jer nisam želela da me one definišu. Svaki put kada bih u prošlosti razmišljala o sopstvenom razotkrivanju govorila bih sebi da ja samo želim da me znaju kao Morganu i samo kao Morganu, a ne kao: "moju prijateljicu lezbejku Morganu", ili: "moju gej koleginicu Morganu".
For those of you from large metropolitan areas,
Samo kao Morganu.
this may not seem like a big deal to you. It may seem strange that I have suppressed the truth and hidden this for so long. But I was paralyzed by my fear of not being accepted. And I'm not alone, of course. A 2013 Deloitte study found that a surprisingly large number of people hide aspects of their identity. Of all the employees they surveyed, 61 percent reported changing an aspect of their behavior or their appearance in order to fit in at work. Of all the gay, lesbian and bisexual employees, 83 percent admitted to changing some aspects of themselves so they would not appear at work "too gay." The study found that even in companies with diversity policies and inclusion programs, employees struggle to be themselves at work because they believe conformity is critical to their long-term career advancement. And while I was surprised that so many people just like me waste so much energy trying to hide themselves, I was scared when I discovered that my silence has life-or-death consequences and long-term social repercussions.
Onima od vas koji žive u velikim gradovima, ovo se možda ne čini naročito važnim. Možda vam je čudno što sam potiskivala istinu i ovo sakrivala tako dugo. Ali ja sam bila paralizovana strahom od neprihvatanja. I u ovome, naravno, nisam usamljena. Istraživanje Delojta iz 2013. pokazuje da iznenađujuće veliki broj ljudi krije neki vid sopstvenog identiteta. Od svih zaposlenih koje su anketirali, 61 procenat je izjavio kako su delimično izmenili svoje ponašanje ili pojavu kako bi se bolje uklopili na radnom mestu. Od svih zaposlenih koji su gej, lezbejke i biseksualci, 83 procenata ih je priznalo kako su kod sebe nešto promenili kako se na poslu ne bi činili "suviše gej". Istraživanje je pokazalo da je čak i u kompanijama sa politikom raznovrsnosti i programima uključivanja, zaposlenima teško da na poslu budu ono što jesu jer veruju da je konformizam od ključne važnosti za dugoročno napredovanje na poslu. Bila sam iznenađena što tako mnogo ljudi, baš kao i ja troši toliko energije pokušavajući da se sakrije ali sam se uplašila kada sam otkrila da moja ćutnja za posledicu ima život ili smrt, kao i dugoročne negativne društvene posledice.
Twelve years: the length by which life expectancy is shortened for gay, lesbian and bisexual people in highly anti-gay communities compared to accepting communities. Twelve years reduced life expectancy. When I read that in The Advocate magazine this year, I realized I could no longer afford to keep silent. The effects of personal stress and social stigmas are a deadly combination. The study found that gays in anti-gay communities had higher rates of heart disease, violence and suicide. What I once thought was simply a personal matter I realized had a ripple effect that went into the workplace and out into the community for every story just like mine. My choice to hide and not share who I really am may have inadvertently contributed to this exact same environment and atmosphere of discrimination.
Dvanaest godina: vreme za koje je skraćen očekivani životni vek gej, lezbejki i biseksualaca u izrazito anti-gej sredinama u poređenju sa sredinama koje ih prihvataju. Dvanaest godina kraći očekivani životni vek. Kada sam, ove godine, to pročitala u časopisu "The Advocate", uvidela sam da više ne mogu sebi da priuštim ćutnju. Uticaj ličnog stresa i društvenog žigosanja su smrtonosna kombinacija. Istraživanje je pokazalo da među homoseksualcima u anti-gej sredinama postoji viši nivo srčanih obolenja, nasilja i samoubistava. Ono što sam ranije smatrala ličnom stvari imalo je, kako sam shvatila, ciklični efekat koji se širio na radno mesto i u zajednicu za svaku priču poput moje. Moja odluka da se krijem i ne otkrijem ko sam zaista je možda nehotice doprinela upravo takvom okruženju i atmosferi diskriminacije.
I'd always told myself there's no reason to share that I was gay, but the idea that my silence has social consequences was really driven home this year when I missed an opportunity to change the atmosphere of discrimination in my own home state of Kansas.
Oduvek sam govorila sebi da nema razloga da otkrijem da sam gej, ali kakve društvene posledice nosi moja ćutnja duboko sam shvatila ove godine kada sam propustila priliku da promenim atmosferu diskriminacije u Kanzasu - mojoj rodnoj državi.
In February, the Kansas House of Representatives brought up a bill for vote that would have essentially allowed businesses to use religious freedom as a reason to deny gays services. A former coworker and friend of mine has a father who serves in the Kansas House of Representatives. He voted in favor of the bill, in favor of a law that would allow businesses to not serve me.
Predstavnički dom je u februaru na glasanje stavio predlog zakona koji bi, u osnovi, dozvoljavao preduzećima da koriste slobodu religije kao osnovu odbijanja da usluže homoseksualce. Otac moje prijateljice i bivše koleginice je član Predstavničkog doma. On je glasao za predlog zakona, u korist zakona koji bi dozvolio preduzećima da mene ne usluže.
How does my friend feel about lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people? How does her father feel? I don't know, because I was never honest with them about who I am. And that shakes me to the core. What if I had told her my story years ago? Could she have told her father my experience? Could I have ultimately helped change his vote? I will never know, and that made me realize I had done nothing to try to make a difference.
Šta moja prijateljica oseća prema lezbejkama, gejevima, biseksualcima, transrodnima, kvir i onima koji se preispituju? Šta o njima misli njen otac? Ne znam, jer im nikada nisam iskreno rekla ko sam. I to me uznemirava do same srži. A šta da sam joj pre više godina ispričala sopstvenu priču? Da li bi mogla da moje iskustvo prenese svom ocu? Da li sam ja, na kraju mogla da pomognem da izmeni način na koji je glasao? Nikada neću saznati, i to me je navelo da shvatim da nisam učinila ništa kako bih pokušala da izmenim stvari.
How ironic that I work in human resources, a profession that works to welcome, connect and encourage the development of employees, a profession that advocates that the diversity of society should be reflected in the workplace, and yet I have done nothing to advocate for diversity. When I came to this company one year ago, I thought to myself, this company has anti-discrimination policies that protect gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. Their commitment to diversity is evident through their global inclusion programs. When I walk through the doors of this company, I will finally come out. But I didn't. Instead of taking advantage of the opportunity, I did nothing.
Koliko je ironično to što radim u ljudskim resursima, zanimanju čiji je posao da dočeka, poveže i ohrabri razvoj zaposlenih, profesiji koja se zalaže da se raznolikost društva odslikava na radnom mestu, a ipak, ja nisam učinila ništa kako bih podržala raznolikost. Kada sam, pre godinu dana, došla u ovo preduzeće, mislila sam: ovo preduzeće ima antidiskriminacionu politiku koja štiti gej, lezbejke, biseksualce i transrodne. Njihova posvećenost različitosti se ogleda u njihovim globalnim programima uključenja. Kada prođem kroz vrata ovog preduzeća, konačno ću javno priznati svoju homoseksualnost. Ali nisam. Umesto da iskoristim mogućnost, nisam učinila ništa.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)
When I was looking through my London journal and scrapbook from my London semester abroad 16 years ago, I came across this modified quote from Toni Morrison's book, "Paradise." "There are more scary things inside than outside." And then I wrote a note to myself at the bottom: "Remember this." I'm sure I was trying to encourage myself to get out and explore London, but the message I missed was the need to start exploring and embracing myself. What I didn't realize until all these years later is that the biggest obstacles I will ever have to overcome are my own fears and insecurities. I believe that by facing my fears inside, I will be able to change reality outside. I made a choice today to reveal a part of myself that I have hidden for too long. I hope that this means I will never hide again, and I hope that by coming out today, I can do something to change the data and also to help others who feel different be more themselves and more fulfilled in both their professional and personal lives. Thank you. (Applause)
Kada sam pregledala moj londonski dnevnik i album sa mog londonskog semestra u inostranstvu od pre 16 godina, naišla sam na ovaj izmenjeni citat iz romana "Raj", autorke Toni Morison. "Više je zastrašujućih stvari unutra nego napolju". I tada sam na dnu stranice, napisala sebi poruku: "Zapamti ovo". Sigurna sam da sam tako pokušavala da se ohrabrim da izađem i istražujem London ali ono što sam propustila je potreba da počnem da istražujem i prihvatam sebe. Ono što, kroz sve naredne godine, nisam shvatala je da su najveće prepreke koje ću ikada morati da prevaziđem moji sopstveni strahovi i nesigurnosti. Verujem da ću, suočavajući se sa svojim unutrašnjim strahovima biti sposobna da promenim spoljni svet. Danas sam donela odluku da otkrijem deo sebe koji sam suviše dugo krila. Nadam se da to znači da se više nikada neću kriti, i nadam se da ću današnjim istupanjem moći da uradim nešto na promeni podataka, kao i da pomognem onima koji se osećaju drugačijima, da budu više ono što jesu i da budu ispunjeniji kako u profesionalnom tako i u privatnom životu. Hvala. (Aplauz)