I've moved about 20 times in my life. And each time that I move to a new neighborhood, a new city, a new country, it seems to get harder and harder to sustain the friendships I left behind. But right now, sustaining those friendships seems especially important and especially difficult. So I'm wondering what is manageable? How can I keep those friendships afloat without getting overwhelmed?
到現在為止,我已經搬了二十次家 每一次當我搬到一個新社區 新城市或新的國家 都讓我更難維持我的上一段友情 但現在 維持我的友情顯得更加重要 也特別困難 所以我在想有什麼事我可以控制的 我要如何在力所可及的情況下 盡力維持我的友誼
[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]
【我正常嗎? 莫娜·查拉比】
To find out, I turned to my two most trusted sources:
為了找出辦法
data and my mum. Now, since she hates being on camera, this puppet is going to be as good as it gets. But before she weighs in, I wanted to look at the studies on how friendships fall apart in the hopes that I might be able to avoid some of those pitfalls.
我向我最信任的兩種資源求助 數據和我媽 因為她討厭上鏡 用這隻玩偶代表她是最好的辦法 在她加入我們之前 我們先來看看研究 是如何解釋友誼破裂的 也希望我以後能夠懂得避開那些小陷阱
According to one study, friendships often dissolve because of a lack of opportunity to meet, hang out and connect. Which may explain why, after a year of isolation, some of my friendships feel like they're hanging on by a thread. The same researcher made headlines with the finding that we lose half of our friendships every seven years.
根據一份研究顯示 友誼會消失通常是因為缺乏機會 缺乏見面、出去玩或聯絡的機會 這或許可以解釋為什麼在一年的隔離後 我和幾位朋友的友誼變得岌岌可危 這份研究甚至因為發現 每個人每七年就會減少 一半的朋友而上了頭條
Now, before you start doomscrolling through your contact list, you should know that's not quite as severe as it sounds. Over those seven years, the size of our friendship group actually stays pretty stable. So if you have 20 or 30 good friends now, seven years later, you still probably have 20 or 30 good friends. The catch, though, is that 52 percent of those faces will be different. Over seven years, we will replace many of the people in our network with new ones.
在你因為你的通訊錄而感到恐慌之前 你應該了解這其實沒有聽起來那麼嚴重 就算在經過幾個七年後 你的朋友圈大小其實也沒改變多少 所以如果你現在有二三十個朋友 七年之後 你或許仍然會有二三十個朋友 缺點是大約其中有 52% 的人 會變得不一樣 在七年間 我們會置換人際關係中許多人
As someone who has had to work more and more from home, the opportunity to go out and make new friends is pretty limited. It's a luxury I don't often have. And the research on the formation of new friends suggest that this takes time. A lot of time.
如果某個人必須更經常地居家工作 出門認識新朋友的機會也會受到限制 這是我很少會有的機會 而對於一段新的友誼的形成 研究建議這得要多花點時間 很長的時間
A recent study found that you have to spend between 40 and 60 hours with someone before they can go from an acquaintance to a casual friend. They get upgraded to a fully fledged friend around 80 to 100 hours, and get elevated to a best friend after you spend at least 200 hours of quality time together.
最近的一份研究顯示 你必須和一個人相處40到50個小時 才能把一個熟人變成一個朋友 而要變成一個好友 大約需要80到100個小時 如果要變成你的死黨 那你們需要真心地相處 至少200個小時以上
And the emphasis here is on quality time. You might say "hi" to a barista every morning or be polite to a coworker, but you wouldn't necessarily invite either one over for dinner.
重點是真心地相處 你可能每天早上都會對咖啡師打招呼 或禮貌地對待你的同事 但你不一定會邀請他們來你家吃晚餐
I was feeling a little bit daunted by all of these numbers until I spoke to my mum, who has a more optimistic take on all of this. "A friendship is essential in your life. How does friendship start? The first thing is to know that person. If you don't want to know these people, if you don't open a window of communication, you will never become friends of them. You have to start. If you want to be isolated, you just shut your windows and look at them, and they don't look at you."
我聽到這些數字也感到有點害怕 但在我跟我媽聊過之後 她非常樂觀地看待這一切 「友誼在你的生命中 是不可或缺的一部分 如何開始一段友誼呢? 首先你必須了解這個人 如果你誰都不想了解 如果你不給別人跟你交談的機會 你們永遠不會成為朋友 你必須先走出那一步 如果你想與世隔絕 那你就看著他們 而不去跟他們講話就好了 而他們連看也不會看你一眼」
OK, so yes, if I really, really want to make a new friendship, I could go out and make the effort to make a new friend by, say, knocking on my neighbor's door, who plays really good music a bit too loudly. But what about my current group of friends? Are we all doomed just because we don't get the chance to hang out like we used to?
好,所以如果我真的很想交到朋友 我可以出門,為交朋友而做出努力 我可以去敲我鄰居的門 某個很會演奏卻不會控制音量的鄰居 而我現在的朋友圈呢? 難道我們的友誼會消失只是因為 我們沒有像以前那樣經常一起出去嗎?
"I think yes, with the friends, the distance gets further and further if you are not meeting them. But it also shows you the ones that don't disappear because of the time or the distance. They will be there for you if you need them. So the special friends. And this difficult time shows you who cares and who is a good person or a good friend."
「我想是的,關於朋友 如果你不常和他們出去 你們的關係只會越來越遠 但也會讓你發現 那些不會因為時間或距離消失的朋友 只要你需要他們,他們永遠都會在 那些特別的朋友 在這段困難的時期 也讓你知道他們在乎你 那些是很好的人也是很好的朋友」
I think she's right. I don't think there's a magical formula or a mythical number of hours to chase. This just takes time and effort. So if you'll excuse me, I have a good friend that I need to call.
我想我媽是對的 我不覺得友誼有什麼神奇的公式 或是說你一定要達到幾個小時數的相處 交朋友需要的就是時間和努力 所以不好意思了 我現在要打電話給我的好朋友