I've moved about 20 times in my life. And each time that I move to a new neighborhood, a new city, a new country, it seems to get harder and harder to sustain the friendships I left behind. But right now, sustaining those friendships seems especially important and especially difficult. So I'm wondering what is manageable? How can I keep those friendships afloat without getting overwhelmed?
在我人生中,我搬了大概20次家 而每当我搬进一个新的邻里 新的城市,新的国家 我发现维持一段友谊,越来越难 可是现在 维持那些所谓的友谊似乎特别重要 也很困难 所以我在想,有什么可以做的 我该如何维持友情 而又不会过度的刻意
[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]
【我正常吗?与梦娜 查拉比】
To find out, I turned to my two most trusted sources: data and my mum. Now, since she hates being on camera, this puppet is going to be as good as it gets. But before she weighs in, I wanted to look at the studies on how friendships fall apart in the hopes that I might be able to avoid some of those pitfalls.
为了一探究竟 我找到了两个我最信任的资源: 数据和我的妈妈 由于我妈不喜欢在镜头前 就把这个玩偶当作事她吧 可是提起她之前 我想看看研究显示友情事如何破裂的 以防我以后会陷入这些困境中
According to one study, friendships often dissolve because of a lack of opportunity to meet, hang out and connect. Which may explain why, after a year of isolation, some of my friendships feel like they're hanging on by a thread. The same researcher made headlines with the finding that we lose half of our friendships every seven years.
一项研究显示 大多数的友谊会解体是因为缺少机会 去见面,聚会与联系 这就可以解释为什么 一年间的独来独往 有些友谊就像是挂在悬崖边一样 同样的研究也整理出了头条 每隔七年我们会失去一半的友谊
Now, before you start doomscrolling through your contact list, you should know that's not quite as severe as it sounds. Over those seven years, the size of our friendship group actually stays pretty stable. So if you have 20 or 30 good friends now, seven years later, you still probably have 20 or 30 good friends. The catch, though, is that 52 percent of those faces will be different. Over seven years, we will replace many of the people in our network with new ones.
在你想要狂刷你的通讯录之前 你要知道,这也不是想象中那么严重 在那七年里 我们的朋友圈其实也蛮稳定的 假设现在你有20到30的好朋友 七年后 你还是会有20到30的好朋友 不一样的是 当中有52%的脸孔会是不一样的 在过去的七年里 我们会在我们区块里的人 替代很多新的人
As someone who has had to work more and more from home, the opportunity to go out and make new friends is pretty limited. It's a luxury I don't often have. And the research on the formation of new friends suggest that this takes time. A lot of time.
那些越来越在家中工作的人 有机会出去认识新朋友的几率 是很有限的 这是我没有的一种奢望 研究显示在建立一段新的友谊 是需要时间的 很多的时间
A recent study found that you have to spend between 40 and 60 hours with someone before they can go from an acquaintance to a casual friend. They get upgraded to a fully fledged friend around 80 to 100 hours, and get elevated to a best friend after you spend at least 200 hours of quality time together.
在近期的研究发现 你必须和另一个人相处 40到60小时后 才能从相识到普通朋友 他们会升华至完全熟悉的朋友 需要大概80到100个小时 而要升华成好朋友 需要花至少200个小时的时间相处
And the emphasis here is on quality time. You might say "hi" to a barista every morning or be polite to a coworker, but you wouldn't necessarily invite either one over for dinner.
而其中的重点在于相处时间 每天早上你可能会 对一位咖啡师说句“你好” 或者礼貌对待同事 但你未必会邀请他们去你家共进晚餐
I was feeling a little bit daunted by all of these numbers until I spoke to my mum, who has a more optimistic take on all of this. "A friendship is essential in your life. How does friendship start? The first thing is to know that person. If you don't want to know these people, if you don't open a window of communication, you will never become friends of them. You have to start. If you want to be isolated, you just shut your windows and look at them, and they don't look at you."
我开始对这些数目望而却步 直到我告诉了妈妈 她对这一方面比较乐观 “友情在你的人生当中固然重要, 友情是如何滋生的? 首先你要了解那个人 如果你不想要了解那些人 如果你不打开沟通之窗 你是无法成为他们的朋友的 你需要先开始 如果你喜欢独处 你就把窗口关上,静静看着他们 他们是不会看到你的。”
OK, so yes, if I really, really want to make a new friendship, I could go out and make the effort to make a new friend by, say, knocking on my neighbor's door, who plays really good music a bit too loudly. But what about my current group of friends? Are we all doomed just because we don't get the chance to hang out like we used to?
好,如果我非常非常想要 一段新的友谊 我可以出门然后多主动一些,比如 敲敲我邻居的门 就是那个玩音乐很棒 却又有点大声的那位 不过我现在的那群朋友呢? 是不是就只能这样了 如果我们都没有机会 想以前一样常常聚在一起?
"I think yes, with the friends, the distance gets further and further if you are not meeting them. But it also shows you the ones that don't disappear because of the time or the distance. They will be there for you if you need them. So the special friends. And this difficult time shows you who cares and who is a good person or a good friend."
“我想是吧,和那些朋友 那距离只会越来越远 如果你不再和他们相见 但这也会让你看到那些 不会因为时间和距离而消散的朋友 他们会在你需要的时候一直在的 那些特别的朋友 这段困苦的日子会让人知道 谁是在乎你的 谁才是好人或者一个好朋友”
I think she's right. I don't think there's a magical formula or a mythical number of hours to chase. This just takes time and effort. So if you'll excuse me, I have a good friend that I need to call.
我觉得她说的对 并没有一个魔法公式 或者追逐一定的数目 这是需要时间和精力 所以恕我冒昧 我有个好朋友需要去通话