I've moved about 20 times in my life. And each time that I move to a new neighborhood, a new city, a new country, it seems to get harder and harder to sustain the friendships I left behind. But right now, sustaining those friendships seems especially important and especially difficult. So I'm wondering what is manageable? How can I keep those friendships afloat without getting overwhelmed?
Selila sam se oko 20 puta do sada. Svaki put kada dođem u drugi komšiluk, drugi grad, drugu zemlju, postaje sve teže i teže održati prethodna prijateljstva. Upravo sada, održavanje tih prijateljstava deluje posebno bitno i posebno teško. Tako da razmišljam kako je to izvodljivo? Kako mogu na najlakši način sačuvati ta prijateljstva?
[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]
[Da li sam ja normalan? sa Monom Šalabi]
To find out, I turned to my two most trusted sources: data and my mum. Now, since she hates being on camera, this puppet is going to be as good as it gets. But before she weighs in, I wanted to look at the studies on how friendships fall apart in the hopes that I might be able to avoid some of those pitfalls.
Da bih saznala kako, okrenula sam se mojim najpouzdanijim resursima: podacima i mojoj mami. Sada, pošto ona ne voli kameru, ova lutka će morati da posluži. Pre nego što ona upadne, hoću da pogledam studije o tome kako se prijateljstvo raspadne sa nadom da nekako mogu da izbegnem te prepreke.
According to one study, friendships often dissolve because of a lack of opportunity to meet, hang out and connect. Which may explain why, after a year of isolation, some of my friendships feel like they're hanging on by a thread. The same researcher made headlines with the finding that we lose half of our friendships every seven years.
Prema jednoj studiji, prijateljstva se obično raspadnu zbog nedostatka mogućnosti za viđanje, druženje i zbližavanje. Što može objasniti zašto, nakon godinu dana izolacije, osećam da neka od mojih prijateljstava vise o koncu. Isti istraživač je pokazao da izgubimo polovinu svojih prijateljstava svakih sedam godina.
Now, before you start doomscrolling through your contact list, you should know that's not quite as severe as it sounds. Over those seven years, the size of our friendship group actually stays pretty stable. So if you have 20 or 30 good friends now, seven years later, you still probably have 20 or 30 good friends. The catch, though, is that 52 percent of those faces will be different. Over seven years, we will replace many of the people in our network with new ones.
Pre nego što počnete da listate po svojim kontaktima, trebalo bi da znate da nije toliko strašno kao što zvuči. Za tih sedam godina, veličina naše prijateljske grupe ostaje prilično stabilna. Ako sada imate 20 ili 30 dobrih prijatelja, za sedam godina, imaćete isto 20 ili 30 dobrih prijatelja. Caka u tome, je pak, da 52 procenta tih ljudi neće biti isti. Tokom sedam godina, zamenićemo mnoge u našim mrežama novim ljudima.
As someone who has had to work more and more from home, the opportunity to go out and make new friends is pretty limited. It's a luxury I don't often have. And the research on the formation of new friends suggest that this takes time. A lot of time.
Kao neko ko je morao sve više i više da radi od kuće, mogućnost da izlazim i stvaram nova prijateljstva mi je ograničena. To je luksuz koji nemam često. Istraživanje formiranja novih prijateljstava navodi da za to treba vremena. Dosta vremena.
A recent study found that you have to spend between 40 and 60 hours with someone before they can go from an acquaintance to a casual friend. They get upgraded to a fully fledged friend around 80 to 100 hours, and get elevated to a best friend after you spend at least 200 hours of quality time together.
Jedna skorašnja studija je pokazala da treba da provedete između 40 i 60 sati sa nekim pre nego što mogu da pređu sa poznanika na opuštenog prijatelja. Na prijatelja sa povrenjem se nadograđuju nakon 80 do 100 sati, i podižu se do najboljeg prijatelja kada provedete najmanje 200 sati kvalitetnog vremena zajedno.
And the emphasis here is on quality time. You might say "hi" to a barista every morning or be polite to a coworker, but you wouldn't necessarily invite either one over for dinner.
Ovde se ističe kvalitetno vreme. Vi možda šankeru kažete “zdravo” svakog jutra ili ste učtivi sa svojim kolegama, ali nećete obavezno pozvati na večeru ni jednog od njih.
I was feeling a little bit daunted by all of these numbers until I spoke to my mum, who has a more optimistic take on all of this. "A friendship is essential in your life. How does friendship start? The first thing is to know that person. If you don't want to know these people, if you don't open a window of communication, you will never become friends of them. You have to start. If you want to be isolated, you just shut your windows and look at them, and they don't look at you."
Malo sam se obeshrabrila svim ovim brojevima dok nisam pričala sa mamom, koja ima optimističniji pogled na sve ovo. “Prijateljstvo je suštinska stvar u vašem životu. Kako nastaje prijateljstvo? Prvo što morate da upoznate tu osobu. Ako ne želite da znate te ljude, ako ne otvorite vrata komunikacije, nikada nećete postati prijatelji sa njima. Morate da počnete. Ako želite da budete izolovani, zatvorite svoja vrata i samo ih posmatrajte, i oni vas neće gledati.”
OK, so yes, if I really, really want to make a new friendship, I could go out and make the effort to make a new friend by, say, knocking on my neighbor's door, who plays really good music a bit too loudly. But what about my current group of friends? Are we all doomed just because we don't get the chance to hang out like we used to?
Znači, ako stvarno želim da steknem novo prijateljstvo, mogu da izađem i da se potrudim da nađem prijatelja, na primer, kucajući na vrata komšiji koji pušta stvarno dobru muziku malo preglasno. Ali šta sa mojom trenutnom grupom prijatelja? Da li smo svi prokleti zbog toga što nemamo priliku da se viđamo kao pre?
"I think yes, with the friends, the distance gets further and further if you are not meeting them. But it also shows you the ones that don't disappear because of the time or the distance. They will be there for you if you need them. So the special friends. And this difficult time shows you who cares and who is a good person or a good friend."
“Mislim da je tačno, da sa prijateljima, distanca postaje sve dalja i dalja ako se ne viđate. Takođe ti i pokaže one koji se ne izgube zbog vremena ili distance. Biće tu za tebe ako su ti potrebni. Tako da ti posebni prjatelji i ova teška vremena ti pokazuju kome je stvarno stalo i ko je dobra osoba ili dobar prijatelj.”
I think she's right. I don't think there's a magical formula or a mythical number of hours to chase. This just takes time and effort. So if you'll excuse me, I have a good friend that I need to call.
Mislim da je u pravu. Mislim da ne postoji magična formula ili mitski broj sati koji ćemo juriti. Ovo traži vreme i trud. Tako da izvinite, moram da pozovem jednog dobrog prijatelja.