How long does it take to get over a breakup? The good news is I've done the research for you. The bad news is that you might not like the answer.
要花多少時間才能從分手走出來? 好消息是,我為你做了研究。 壞消息是,你可能 不會喜歡這個答案。
[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]
〔我正常嗎?〕 〔莫娜查拉比主持〕
See, a few years back, a number of publications were touting a study telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks to get over a breakup. That's nearly three months spent listening to depressing music while putting on a brave face. It might feel longer than it is, but it's only a few swipes on the calendar app. No big deal, right?
幾年前,有好幾份刊物 都在宣傳一項研究, 告訴它們的讀者,走出分手 需要十一週的時間。 也就是要花近三個月,表面 裝勇敢的背後卻在聽消沉的音樂。 感覺起來可能比實際更長,但 也就是把日曆 APP 滑幾下而已。 沒什麼大不了的吧? 不幸的是,沒那麼直觀。
Well, unfortunately, it's not so straightforward. See, those articles drastically misrepresented that study. In fact, the study never said anything about how long it takes to get over a breakup. It only focused on the aftereffects of ending a relationship, specifically among undergrads, which is a whole other can of worms. To really answer that question of how long it takes to get over a breakup, you would need to do a longitudinal study, a study that would basically follow a ton of people from the moment of their breakup and track their progress year after year after year. But studies like that are expensive and complicated to carry out.
那些文章大大扭曲了那項研究。 事實上,那項研究完全沒有 談到走出分手要多久。 它只著重在關係結束 之後的後續效應, 對象是針對大學生, 那完全是另一個複雜的問題。 如果真的要回答 「走出分手需要多久」, 就得做縱貫性(長期)研究, 這種研究基本上 就得要追蹤一大票人, 從他們分手時就開始 年復一年地追蹤他們的進展。 但這種研究在執行上 太昂貴也太複雜。
So with no adequate data, I decided to seek professional help. I went to couples therapists, Dr. Hod Tamir. He has anecdotal experience with countless people in relationships and, full disclosure, he was my couple’s therapist, too. So I asked him how long he thinks it takes to get over a breakup. "I don't think there is a magic number ...
所以,因為沒有適當的資料, 我決定去尋求專業協助。 我去找婚姻諮商師哈德·塔米爾醫生, 他有許多軼事經歷, 知道許多人的關係狀況, 不瞞各位,他也是我的婚姻治療師。 我問他,他認為要花多久 才能走出分手。 「我不認為有魔術數字存在……
If we feel like we can express ourselves in how we're feeling, we don't have to keep it bottled up. Once you're doing other things that you're engaged with and distracted by, then at some point you look back and like, 'Oh yeah, that's my ex.' And you notice that the feelings that you have are not as raw. You can bump into each other and not feel pain."
如果我們覺得我們能表達出 我們的感覺如何,不用壓抑, 一旦你能做其他事情, 能讓你投入、讓你分心, 到某個時點回首時,你會說: 『對,那是我的前任,我們分了。』 你會發現你的感受不那麼強烈了。 你巧遇對方時也不會覺得痛苦。」
And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory. One study looked at different strategies for love regulation. In other words, can a few simple methods change how much you love someone? The study found that when participants were distracted into thinking about something other than their ex, like, their favorite hobby or ideal career, their love feelings for their ex stayed the same, but it did make them feel more pleasant. Using distractions to start to feel better is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested. The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy, essentially remembering all of the shit things your ex said and did, does decrease love feelings for your ex. But it also makes you feel "unpleasant," and I'm guessing that means sad. Finally, a third, more zen strategy known as reappraisal of love feelings. For this, participants had to muse over statements like "Love is part of life" and "It's OK to love someone I'm no longer with." Yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.
而資料也支持塔米爾醫生的理論。 有一項研究在探討 調節愛意的各種策略, 也就是在探討能否用些簡單的 方法來改變你有多愛一個人? 研究發現,當受試者分心 去想前任以外的事, 比如他們最愛的嗜好, 或理想的職涯, 他們愛著前任的感受仍然不變, 但他們的確感到較愉快。 用分心的方式開始感覺好一點, 這正是塔米爾醫生的建議。 研究也發現,從負面 重新評價的策略, 也就是去想你的前任 說過的爛話做過的鳥事。 確實會減少你對前任的愛。 但也會讓你覺得「不愉快」, 我猜,那就是悲傷的意思。 最後,第三種策略比較禪, 就是對愛的感受重新評價。 做法是,受試者要冥想 像這樣的陳述: 「愛是人生的一部分」以及 「可以愛著沒有在一起的人」。 這項策略什麼都沒改變。
Overall, the researchers concluded, and I'm not using the scientific language here, that concentrating on the bad things about your ex can help you to feel less in love. While distracting yourself with other subjects, as my therapist suggested, can actually make you feel better. However, the research and Dr. Tamir would both tell you that while distraction is good in the short term, it is not a long-term solution.
總的來說,研究者的結論是, 我會避免使用科學術語來說, 專注在前任不好的一面, 能協助你減少愛的感覺。 至於用其他事物讓你分心, 就像我的治療師給的建議, 能讓你感覺好一些。 然而研究和塔米爾醫生都會告訴你, 雖然分心是不錯的短期策略, 卻不是長期的解決方案。 「花時間去處理它、了解它,
"Taking that time to process and understand it is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it."
其實是比較快的療癒方式, 比忽略它更好。」 最終,為了我們自己 也為了我們未來的伴侶,
Eventually, for the sake of ourselves and our future partners, we're going to have to face up to our feelings.
我們得要面對我們的感受。 所以,要花多少時間才能走出分手?
So how long does it take to get over a breakup? Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know. But more importantly, I’ve learned that instead of counting down the days, we're much better off reconnecting with the things we love to do. Finding something to distract us and unpacking our feelings when we're ready. If we can do all that, then one day hopefully we'll come out of it feeling OK. And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?
我們沒有足夠的 長期研究,無法得知。 但,更重要的是, 我學到,與其一直算日子, 不如重新和我們熱愛的事物 連結,會讓我們更好。 找事情來分心,準備好時 就把感受吐露出來。 如果這些都能做到, 那麼,希望有一天,我們能 走出來且感覺還不錯。 畢竟,那不就是我們在追求的嗎?