How long does it take to get over a breakup? The good news is I've done the research for you. The bad news is that you might not like the answer.
Koliko je vremena potrebno da se preboli raskid? Dobra vest je da sam obavila istraživanje umesto vas. Loša vest je da vam se odgovor možda neće dopasti.
[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]
[Da li sam normalan? Sa Monom Šalabi]
See, a few years back, a number of publications were touting a study telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks to get over a breakup. That's nearly three months spent listening to depressing music while putting on a brave face. It might feel longer than it is, but it's only a few swipes on the calendar app. No big deal, right?
Vidite, pre nekoliko godina nekoliko publikacija je promovisalo priču govoreći čitaocima da je potrebno 11 nedelja da se preboli raskid. To je skoro tri meseca provedenih u slušanju depresivne muzike dok se pravite da ste dobro. Možda osećate da je duže, ali to je par strana na kalendaru. Nije strašno, zar ne?
Well, unfortunately, it's not so straightforward. See, those articles drastically misrepresented that study. In fact, the study never said anything about how long it takes to get over a breakup. It only focused on the aftereffects of ending a relationship, specifically among undergrads, which is a whole other can of worms. To really answer that question of how long it takes to get over a breakup, you would need to do a longitudinal study, a study that would basically follow a ton of people from the moment of their breakup and track their progress year after year after year. But studies like that are expensive and complicated to carry out.
Pa, nažalost, nije tako jednostavno. Vidite, ti članci su u velikoj meri pogrešno predstavili tu studiju. U stvari, ta studija nikad nije rekla koliko dugo traje prebolevanje raskida. Fokus je bio na efektima prekidanja veze, posebno kod studenata, što je potpuno druga komplikacija. Da bismo stvarno odgovorili na pitanje koliko je potrebno da se preboli raskid, trebalo bi da radimo longitudinalnu studiju koja bi pratila gomilu ljudi od trenutka raskida i pratila njihov napredak godinu za godinom za godinom. Ali takve studije su skupe i komplikovane za izvedbu.
So with no adequate data, I decided to seek professional help. I went to couples therapists, Dr. Hod Tamir. He has anecdotal experience with countless people in relationships and, full disclosure, he was my couple’s therapist, too. So I asked him how long he thinks it takes to get over a breakup. "I don't think there is a magic number ...
Pa bez odgovarajućih podataka, odlučila sam da potražim profesionalnu pomoć. Otišla sam kod terapeuta za parove, dr Hoda Tamira. On ima anegdotskog iskustva sa bezbroj ljudi u vezama i, priznajem, bio je i moj terapeut. Po njegovom mišljenju, koliko dugo je potrebno da se preboli raskid? “Mislim da nema magičnog broja...
If we feel like we can express ourselves in how we're feeling, we don't have to keep it bottled up. Once you're doing other things that you're engaged with and distracted by, then at some point you look back and like, 'Oh yeah, that's my ex.' And you notice that the feelings that you have are not as raw. You can bump into each other and not feel pain."
Ako osećamo da možemo da izrazimo svoja osećanja, ne moramo sve da držimo u sebi. Kada počnete da radite i druge stvari koje vas zaokupljaju i skreću vam pažnju, u nekom trenutku se osvrnete i mislite, ‘O, da, to je moj bivši.’ Primetite da vaša osećanja više nisu tako osetljiva. Možete da se sretnete i da ne osećate bol.”
And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory. One study looked at different strategies for love regulation. In other words, can a few simple methods change how much you love someone? The study found that when participants were distracted into thinking about something other than their ex, like, their favorite hobby or ideal career, their love feelings for their ex stayed the same, but it did make them feel more pleasant. Using distractions to start to feel better is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested. The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy, essentially remembering all of the shit things your ex said and did, does decrease love feelings for your ex. But it also makes you feel "unpleasant," and I'm guessing that means sad. Finally, a third, more zen strategy known as reappraisal of love feelings. For this, participants had to muse over statements like "Love is part of life" and "It's OK to love someone I'm no longer with." Yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.
Podaci podržavaju teoriju dr Tamira. Jedna studija je izučavala različite strategije regulacije ljubavi. Drugim rečima, da li neke jednostavne metode mogu da promene vaša osećanja prema nekome? Ta studija je pokazala da kad se učesnicima skrenu misli na nešto drugo osim bivše ljubavi, na primer na omiljeni hobi ili karijeru, njihova ljubavna osećanja su ostajala ista, ali osećali su se prijatnije. Skretanje misli da biste se osećali bolje je baš ono što dr Tamir preporučuje. Ta studija je takođe pokazala da strategija pripisivanja negativnog, tj. podsećanje na loše stvari koje je vaš bivši rekao i uradio, zaista smanjuje ljubavna osećanja. Ali takođe čini da se osećate “neprijatno”, a mislim da to znači tužno. Konačno, treća, malo mirnija strategija je pripisivanje ljubavnih osećanja. Za ovo, ispitanici su razmišljali o izjavama kao što je “Ljubav je deo života” i “u redu je voleti nekoga sa kim više nisam u vezi”. Da, to nije ništa promenilo.
Overall, the researchers concluded, and I'm not using the scientific language here, that concentrating on the bad things about your ex can help you to feel less in love. While distracting yourself with other subjects, as my therapist suggested, can actually make you feel better. However, the research and Dr. Tamir would both tell you that while distraction is good in the short term, it is not a long-term solution.
Sve u svemu, istraživači su zaključili, i ne koristim se naučnim jezikom sad, da fokusiranje na loše stvari u vezi sa bivšim može da pomogne da osećate manje ljubavi. Dok zamajavanje drugim stvarima, kao što je moj terapeut predložio, može da učini da se osećate bolje. Međutim, i istraživanje i dr Tamir bi vam oboje rekli da, dok je skretanje misli dobro na kraći rok, to nije dugotrajno rešenje.
"Taking that time to process and understand it is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it."
“Obrađivanje i razumevanje tokom vremena je u stvari mnogo brži način za izlečenje od ignorisanja.”
Eventually, for the sake of ourselves and our future partners, we're going to have to face up to our feelings.
Konačno, zarad nas i naših budućih partnera, moraćemo da se suočimo sa svojim osećanjima.
So how long does it take to get over a breakup? Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know. But more importantly, I’ve learned that instead of counting down the days, we're much better off reconnecting with the things we love to do. Finding something to distract us and unpacking our feelings when we're ready. If we can do all that, then one day hopefully we'll come out of it feeling OK. And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?
Dakle, koliko je vremena potrebno da se preboli raskid? Pa, nemamo dovoljno dugoročnih studija da bismo znali. Ali što je važnije, shvatila sam da, umesto brojanja dana, mnogo je bolje da ponovo radimo stvari koje volimo da radimo. Da nađemo nešto da nam skrene misli i da obradimo svoja osećanja kada smo spremni. Ako možemo sve to, onda ćemo jednog dana izaći iz toga osećajući se dobro. Na kraju, zar nije to upravo ono što želimo?