How long does it take to get over a breakup? The good news is I've done the research for you. The bad news is that you might not like the answer.
Berapa lama kita bisa sembuh dari patah hati? Kabar baiknya, aku sudah melakukan riset. Kabar buruknya, kau mungkin tak suka jawabannya.
[Am I Normal? with Mona Chalabi]
[Apakah Aku Normal? Bersama Mona Chalabi]
See, a few years back, a number of publications were touting a study telling their readers that it takes 11 weeks to get over a breakup. That's nearly three months spent listening to depressing music while putting on a brave face. It might feel longer than it is, but it's only a few swipes on the calendar app. No big deal, right?
Beberapa tahun lalu, sebagian publikasi menggembar-gemborkan studi tentang dibutuhkannya waktu 11 minggu untuk sembuh dari patah hati. Hampir sama dengan tiga bulan mendengarkan lagu sedih sambil menguatkan diri. Rasanya lebih lama, tapi aslinya sebentar jika melihat kalender. Bukan masalah, ’kan? Sayangnya, sembuh tak semudah yang dibayangkan.
Well, unfortunately, it's not so straightforward. See, those articles drastically misrepresented that study. In fact, the study never said anything about how long it takes to get over a breakup. It only focused on the aftereffects of ending a relationship, specifically among undergrads, which is a whole other can of worms. To really answer that question of how long it takes to get over a breakup, you would need to do a longitudinal study, a study that would basically follow a ton of people from the moment of their breakup and track their progress year after year after year. But studies like that are expensive and complicated to carry out.
Artikel-artikel itu sudah salah mengartikan studinya. Bahkan, studinya sama sekali tak membahas berapa lama kita sembuh dari patah hati, tapi cuma fokus ke efek setelah putus, khususnya di kalangan mahasiswa, yang justru merumitkan masalah. Untuk menjawab pertanyaan tentang berapa lama kita bisa pulih dari patah hati, kita butuh penelitian longitudinal. Penelitian ini memantau banyak orang dari waktu mereka putus dan mengamati perkembangan mereka dari tahun ke tahun. Namun, penelitian longitudinal ini mahal dan sulit dilakukan. Tanpa data memadai, aku akhirnya mencari bantuan profesional.
So with no adequate data, I decided to seek professional help. I went to couples therapists, Dr. Hod Tamir. He has anecdotal experience with countless people in relationships and, full disclosure, he was my couple’s therapist, too. So I asked him how long he thinks it takes to get over a breakup. "I don't think there is a magic number ...
Aku bertemu terapis pasangan bernama Dr. Hod Tamir. Dia telah banyak menangani orang-orang dengan masalah hubungan dan, kalau boleh jujur, dia terapis pasanganku juga. Aku menanyainya, “Berapa lama kita bisa sembuh dari patah hati?” “Menurutku, tak ada angka pastinya. Jika kita bisa mengungkap apa yang kita rasakan,
If we feel like we can express ourselves in how we're feeling, we don't have to keep it bottled up. Once you're doing other things that you're engaged with and distracted by, then at some point you look back and like, 'Oh yeah, that's my ex.' And you notice that the feelings that you have are not as raw. You can bump into each other and not feel pain."
kita tidak perlu menahannya. Saat kau melakukan hal yang menyenangkan dan dapat mengalihkan pikiran, suatu saat kau ingat kembali dan berkata, ‘Ah, ya. Dia mantanku. Kami putus’ Kau pun sadar kalau perasaanmu tak sekuat itu lagi. Kau bisa berpapasan dengannya dan tidak sakit hati.” Data itu mendukung teori Dr. Tamir.
And the data supports Dr. Tamir's theory. One study looked at different strategies for love regulation. In other words, can a few simple methods change how much you love someone? The study found that when participants were distracted into thinking about something other than their ex, like, their favorite hobby or ideal career, their love feelings for their ex stayed the same, but it did make them feel more pleasant. Using distractions to start to feel better is exactly what Dr. Tamir has suggested. The study also found that a negative reappraisal strategy, essentially remembering all of the shit things your ex said and did, does decrease love feelings for your ex. But it also makes you feel "unpleasant," and I'm guessing that means sad. Finally, a third, more zen strategy known as reappraisal of love feelings. For this, participants had to muse over statements like "Love is part of life" and "It's OK to love someone I'm no longer with." Yeah, that changed nothing at all for them.
Satu studi mengamati beberapa strategi dalam regulasi cinta. Dengan kata lain, bisakah hal-hal kecil mengurangi cintamu ke seseorang? Studi ini menemukan saat perhatian peserta teralih ke sesuatu selain mantan mereka, seperti hobi atau cita-cita mereka, rasa cinta ke mantan mereka tetaplah sama. Namun, pengalihan itu lebih menenteramkan mereka. Pengalihan untuk menenangkan perasaan ini sama-sama disarankan Dr. Tamir. Studi ini juga mendapati bila strategi penilaian negatif, yang intinya mengingat semua perlakuan dan ucapan buruk mantanmu, memang bisa mengurangi cintamu ke mantan. Namun, hal itu juga membuatmu merasa “risih” dan kuanggap maksudnya sedih. Terakhir, strategi yang lebih santai, yaitu strategi penilaian kembali cinta. Di sini, peserta harus merenungkan pernyataan seperti “Cinta itu bagian kehidupan” dan “Bukan masalah mencintai seseorang yang tidak denganku lagi.” Ya, pernyataan itu tidak merubah apa pun.
Overall, the researchers concluded, and I'm not using the scientific language here, that concentrating on the bad things about your ex can help you to feel less in love. While distracting yourself with other subjects, as my therapist suggested, can actually make you feel better. However, the research and Dr. Tamir would both tell you that while distraction is good in the short term, it is not a long-term solution.
Intinya, para peneliti menyimpulkan, dan aku tidak memakai bahasa ilmiah, bahwa fokus ke hal-hal buruk dari mantan dapat mengurangi rasa cinta kita. Sedangkan, mengalihkan dirimu ke hal lain, seperti saran terapisku, dapat membuatmu merasa lebih baik. Namun, riset itu dan Dr. Tamir menyimpulkan walaupun distraksi baik untuk jangka pendek, itu bukanlah solusi jangka panjang. “Meluangkan waktu untuk memproses dan memahami
"Taking that time to process and understand it is actually a much quicker way to heal than ignoring it."
daripada mengabaikan patah hati adalah cara tercepat untuk sembuh.” Pada akhirnya, demi diri kita sendiri dan calon pasangan kita,
Eventually, for the sake of ourselves and our future partners, we're going to have to face up to our feelings.
kita harus menghadapi perasaan kita. Jadi, berapa lama kita bisa sembuh dari patah hati?
So how long does it take to get over a breakup? Well, we don't have enough long-term studies to know. But more importantly, I’ve learned that instead of counting down the days, we're much better off reconnecting with the things we love to do. Finding something to distract us and unpacking our feelings when we're ready. If we can do all that, then one day hopefully we'll come out of it feeling OK. And in the end, isn't that what we're really after?
Masih kurang studi jangka panjang untuk mengetahuinya. Namun, yang paling penting, aku paham kalau daripada menghitung hari, kita harusnya melakukan lagi hal-hal yang kita sukai. Cari hal yang mengalihkan kita dan pahami perasaan kita jika sudah siap. Bila kita bisa melakukannya, kita akan sembuh dengan sendirinya. Pada akhirnya, itu yang sungguh kita mau, ’kan?