To kick the bucket, bite the dust, cash in your chips, check out, depart, expire, launch into eternity ... These are all euphemisms we use in humor to describe the one life event we are all going to experience: death. But most of us don't want to acknowledge death, we don't want to plan for it, and we don't want to discuss it with the most important people in our lives.
踢開桶子、 咬土、 把籌碼兌成錢、 退房、離去、過期、 朝永恆出發… 這些都是我們使用的幽默婉轉說法, 用來描述所有人都將會 經歷的一項人生大事: 死亡。 但我們大部分人都不想答理死亡, 我們不想為死亡做規劃, 我們不想和我們生命中 最重要的人討論死亡。
I grew up in an Australian community where people got old or sick and passed away, and only the adults attended the funeral. My parents would come home looking sad and drained, but they didn't discuss it with us. So I was ignorant to death and of the grieving process. At 15, I got my invitation. A dear neighbor who was like an aunt to me died suddenly of a heart attack, and I attended my first funeral and did my first reading. I didn't know the tightness in my chest and the dryness in my mouth was normal. The celebrant got some of the facts wrong, and it made me really angry. He talked about how she loved knitting. Knitting.
我在澳洲社區長大, 在那裡,人們變老或生病, 然後過世, 只有成人會出席葬禮。 我父母回家時, 看起來很悲傷、精疲力竭, 但他們不會和我們談這些事。 所以我對於死亡以及 哀悼過程是很無知的。 在十五歲時,我收到了邀請。 一個對我而言像是阿姨一樣親的鄰居 因為心臟病發而突然過世, 那是我第一次參加葬禮, 第一次朗讀。 我不知道胸口很緊、 嘴巴很乾的感覺是正常的。 主持儀式的人把一些事實 弄錯了,讓我很生氣。 他談到她有多熱愛編織。 編織。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
He didn't mention that, at 75, she still mowed her own lawn, built an amazing fish pond in her front yard and made her own ginger beer. I'm pretty sure "keen knitter" isn't what she would have chosen for her eulogy.
他沒有提到,在 75 歲時, 她仍然自己刈自己的草坪, 在她的前院建了個很了不起的魚池, 她還會自己做薑汁汽水。 我很確定,「編織熱愛者」 不會是她想要的悼詞。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
I believe if we discuss death as part of day-to-day living, we give ourselves the opportunity to reflect on our core values, share them with our loved ones, and then our survivors can make informed decisions without fear or regret of having failed to honor our legacy.
我相信,如果我們能 在日常中討論死亡, 就能給自己機會來 反思我們的核心價值, 並和我們所愛的人分享這些, 然後我們尚在世的家人 就可以做出有根據的的決定, 不會害怕或後悔 沒有尊重到自己的傳承。
I am blessed to lead a wonderful, culturally diverse team, and in the last 12 months, we've lost five parents, including my own father, and most recently, a former colleague who died at 41 from bowel cancer. We started having open and frank conversations about what we were experiencing. We talked about the practical stuff, the stuff no one prepares you for: dealing with government agencies, hospitals, nursing homes, advanced care directives, funeral directors and extended family members,
我很有福氣,能夠領導一個 美好且有著文化多樣性的團隊, 在過去十二個月中, 我們失去了五個父母親, 包括我自己的父親, 最近,一位前同事因為腸癌, 才 41 歲就過世了。 我們開始進行開放且坦白的對談, 談我們所經歷的。 我們談到了實際的情況, 沒有人幫你準備面對的事: 需打交道的包括政府機關、 醫院、療養院、 預後指示、 禮儀師, 以及大家庭的成員;
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
making decisions about coffins, headstones, headstone wording, headstone font size, all while sleep-deprived.
決定用哪種棺材、 墓碑、 墓碑上的字、 墓碑上的字體大小, 都在睡眠不足時要決定。
We also discussed some of the issues triggered by our various cultural backgrounds, and we realized there can be some significant differences in how we honor the passing of a loved one.
我們也討論了一些議題, 我們各種文化背景所觸發的議題, 我們發現,在我們如何對過世的愛人 展現敬意上,可以造成明顯的不同。
A great example of this is "Sorry Business," practiced by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people. During Sorry Business, family members will take on specific roles and responsibilities, protocols such as limiting the use of photographs, saying the name of the deceased, and holding a smoking ceremony are all a sign of respect and allow for a peaceful transition of the spirit. These customs can be a complete contrast to those we might practice in Western cultures, where we would honor the memory of a loved one by talking about them and sharing photographs.
一個很好的例子是「遺憾事業」, 它是原住民以及托雷斯 海峽群島人所用的儀式。 在遺憾事業的過程中, 家庭成員要承擔特定的角色和責任, 照片使用限制等等禮儀, 說出死者的名字, 並舉辦一項煙儀式, 這些都是尊敬的象徵, 並讓亡靈能平靜地轉換。 這些習俗很可能 和西方文化的儀式完全相反, 在西方,我們對愛人的記憶 表示敬意的方式, 是談論他們、分享他們的照片。
So my lesson from this last year is, life would be a lot easier to live if we talked about death now, while we're healthy. For most of us, we wait until we are too emotional, too ill or too physically exhausted -- and then it's too late. Isn't it time we started taking ownership of our finale on this earth?
過去一年我學到的是, 如果我們現在就談論死亡, 生命就會容易許多, 當我們還健康時就談。 我們大部分的人都會 等到太情緒化的時候, 太病的時候, 或身體太疲累的時候, 那就太晚了。 該是我們開始掌控我們在地球上的 終曲的時候了,不是嗎?
So let's get going. Do you know what you want when you die? Do you know how you want to be remembered? Is location important? Do you want to be near the ocean or in the ocean?
我們就開始吧。 你知道當你死時你想要什麼嗎? 你知道你希望人們 記得你是怎樣的嗎? 地點重要嗎? 你想要靠近海洋 或是在海洋中?
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Do you want a religious service or an informal party, or do you want to go out with a bang, literally, in a firework?
你想要宗教儀式還是非正式的聚會? 還是你想要轟轟烈烈地走, 就是字面上的意思,放煙火?
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
When it comes to death, there's so much to discuss, but I want to focus on two aspects: why talking about and planning your death can help you experience a good death, and then reduce the stress on your loved ones; and how talking about death can help us support those who are grieving.
說到死亡,有好多要討論的, 但我想要把焦點放在兩個面向上: 為什麼談論和規劃你的死亡, 能夠協助你體驗好的死亡, 並減輕你所愛的人的壓力; 以及談論死亡如何能 協助我們支持哀悼的人。
So let's start with planning. How many of you have a will? Put your hand up. Oh, this is fantastic. In Australia, 45 percent of adults over the age of 18 do not have a legal will. You're a little bit above average. This is a startling statistic given that writing a will can actually be quite simple and inexpensive. So I started asking my friends and neighbors and was really surprised to learn many of them don't have a will, and some couples don't realize they need individual wills. The usual explanation was, well, it's all going to go to my partner anyway.
所以,咱們從規劃開始。 在座有哪些人有遺囑? 請舉手。 喔,真棒。 在澳洲,18 歲以上的成人,有 45% 沒有法定遺囑。 你們比平均高一些。 這個統計數字蠻驚人的, 因為寫遺囑其實 很簡單且不用花什麼錢。 所以我開始問我的朋友和鄰居, 讓我驚訝的是,他們當中 好多人都沒有立遺囑, 有些夫妻不知道他們 需要立個別的遺囑。 他們通常都這樣解釋:嗯, 反正遺產都會到我另一半那邊。
So keep in mind that laws vary from state to state and country to country, but this is what happens in New South Wales if you die without leaving a legal will. Firstly, a suitable administrator must be appointed by the Supreme Court of New South Wales. Chances are this is someone who would never have met the deceased. That person is then responsible for arranging your funeral, collecting assets and distributing them after paying debts and taxes. And one of those debts will be the bill for their services. This is not someone who would have known you want the four-foot wooden giraffe in your living room to go to the person who helped you carry it halfway across the world, and yes, that's in my will.
請牢記在心,每個州、 每個國家的法律都不一樣, 在新南威爾斯州, 若你死時沒有遺囑, 首先,必須要指派 一個適合的遺產管理人, 新南威爾斯州最高法院會負責指派。 有可能被指派的人是 完全沒見過死者的人。 接著,那個人有責任 要安排你的葬禮, 收集資產,付清了債務和 稅款之後,剩下的再做分配。 而其中一項債務, 就是他們的服務帳單。 這個人不會知道 你希望你客廳中那隻 四呎高的木製長頸鹿 能留給當初協助你 把它搬過半個地球的人, 是的,那寫在我的遺囑裡。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
If you die leaving a spouse or a domestic partner, then chances are they will receive your estate, but if you are single, it's far more complicated, as parents, siblings, half-siblings and dependents all come into play. And did you know that if you make a regular donation to charity, that charity may have grounds to make a claim on your estate? The most important thing to know is the bigger your estate, the more complicated that will will be, and the more expensive that bill. So if you don't have a will, I ask you ... when else in your life have you willingly given money to the government when you didn't have to?
如果你死時還有留下 配偶或同居伴侶, 有可能他們會得到你的遺產; 但是如果你單身,情況就複雜許多, 因為父母、手足、半手足、 受撫養者通通來參一腳。 你是否知道,如果你向 慈善機構做一般捐贈, 那間慈善機構就可能 有理由索求你的遺產? 最重要的是要知道,你的遺產越多, 情況就會越複雜, 帳單也會越貴。 所以如果你還沒立遺囑,那我問你, 你人生中除了在不得已的情況下, 還有什麼時候你會願意 把錢給政府?
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
I lost my father in February to a progressive lung disease. When dad knew his death was imminent, he had three clear wishes. He wanted to die at home; he wanted to die surrounded by family; and he wanted to die peacefully, not choking or gasping for air. And I'm pleased to say that my family were able to support dad's wishes, and he achieved his goals, and in that sense, he had a good death. He had the death he planned for. Because dad wanted to die at home, we had to have some pretty tough conversations and fill out a lot of paperwork. The questions on the forms cover everything from resuscitation to organ donation. Dad said, "Take whatever organs you can use." This was upsetting to my mum, as my dad's health was deteriorating rapidly, and it was no longer the right time to talk about organ donation.
我在二月失去了我的父親, 他因為進行性肺病而過世。 當爸爸知道大限已到, 他有三項明確的願望。 他希望在家裡離開人世; 他希望離開時身邊圍繞著家人; 他希望能平靜地離開, 不是窒息或缺氧。 我很高興能說,我的家人 能夠支持我爸爸的願望, 他達成了他的目標, 就那方面來說,他有個很好的死亡。 他得到了他規劃的死亡。 因為爸爸最後想待在家中, 我們得要進行一些很困難的談話, 還要填寫許多文書資料。 表格上的問題無所不包, 從急救到器官捐贈都有。 爸爸說:「能用的器官就拿去用。」 這讓我媽媽很沮喪, 隨著我爸爸的健康狀況急速惡化, 已經不再是適合談論 器官捐贈的時間了。
I believe we need to discuss these issues when we are fit and healthy, so we can take the emotion out of it, and then we can learn not just what is important, but why it's important.
我相信,應該在我們還強健、 健康的時候就討論這些議題, 我們才能不受情緒影響, 我們不只能學到什麼才重要, 還有它為什麼很重要。
So as part of my journey, I started engaging my family and friends to find out their thoughts on death, and how they wanted to be remembered. I discovered you can host a "Death Over Dinner," or a "Death Cafe," which is a great, casual way to introduce the topic ...
所以,我旅程的一部分是, 我開始和我的家人、朋友接觸, 了解他們對死亡的想法, 以及他們希望人們如何記得他們。 我發現,你可以主持 「晚餐談死亡」, 或是「死亡咖啡」, 這是一種很好很隨意的方式, 來帶入這個主題…
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
and gain some wonderful insight.
並得到些美好的洞見。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Did you know that your body has to be legally disposed of, and you can't just be shoved off a cliff or set fire to in the backyard?
你們是否知道,你們的屍體 必須要依法處理, 你們不能把屍體直接丟下懸崖, 或是在院子裡點火焚化?
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
In Australia, you have three options. The two most common are burial and cremation, but you can also donate your body to science. And I am pleased to report that innovation has touched the world of corpse disposal.
在澳洲,有三種選擇。 其中兩種最普遍的,是埋葬和火化, 但你還可以把你的屍體 捐出做科學用途。 我很高興向各位報告, 創新已經觸及了 屍體處理的世界。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
You can now opt for an eco-funeral. You can be buried at the base of a tree in recycled cardboard or a wicker basket, and for those who love the ocean, there are eco-friendly urns that will dissolve at sea. Personally, I plan to be cremated, but given that I get seasick, I can think of nothing worse than having my ashes flung into a huge ocean swell. I've actually bought a plot in the rose garden next to my dad. I call it my investment property.
你現在可以選擇環保葬禮。 你可以被埋在一棵樹木的基部, 放在可回收的紙板或柳條籃子中, 至於熱愛海洋的人, 也有環保骨灰甕,在海中會分解。 我個人的規劃是要被火化, 但因為我會暈船, 我想不出有什麼會比 把我的骨灰丟入 洶湧大海中更糟的了。 我在埋葬我爸爸的玫瑰花園裡 買了一小塊他旁邊的土地。 我稱它為我的地產投資。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
But sadly, there's no tax deduction.
感傷的是,沒有辦法減稅。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
So if you plan for your death, then your survivors will know how to experience a healthy bereavement without fear or guilt of having failed to honor your legacy. As part of my research, I've been to seminars, read books and talked to palliative care nurses. And I've come to understand as a consequence of not talking about death, we don't know how to be around grief. And on the flip side, if we talk about death more, we will become more comfortable with the emotions we experience around grief.
如果你為你的死亡做規劃, 還存活的人就知道如何 度過一段健康的喪親/友之痛, 不用害怕或有罪惡感, 覺得沒有尊重你的傳承。 為了我的研究,我會去參加研討會, 閱讀書籍,並和安寧照護護士談談。 我漸漸了解到, 不去談論死亡的一項後果, 就是我們不知道要如何處理悲痛。 反過來說,如果我們多談談死亡, 對於在悲痛中所感受到的情緒, 我們會感到更舒適些。
I discovered, this year, it's actually a privilege to help someone exit this life, and although my heart is heavy with loss and sadness, it is not heavy with regret. I knew what dad wanted, and I feel at peace knowing I could support his wishes. My dad's last 24 hours were in a peaceful coma, and after days of around-the-clock care, we had time to sit, hold his hand, and say goodbye. He passed away on a Monday morning just before breakfast, and after the doctor came and we waited for the funeral home, I went into the kitchen, and I ate a big bowl of porridge. When I told some of my friends this, they were really shocked. "How could you eat at a time like that?" Well, I was hungry.
今年,我發現, 能夠協助一個人 離開此生,是一項殊榮, 雖然失去和悲傷會讓我的心很沉重, 但不是悔恨讓它沉重。 我知道我爸爸想要什麼, 知道我可以支持他的願望, 讓我感到平靜。 我爸爸人生中的最後 24 小時 是在平靜的昏迷中度過, 經過幾天日以繼夜的照護, 我們有時間坐下來,握住他的手, 跟他道別。 他在一個星期一早晨過世, 就在早餐之前, 醫生來了之後, 我們等待葬儀社過來, 我走進廚房,吃了一大碗的粥。 當我告訴一些朋友 這件事時,他們很吃驚。 「在這樣的時刻,你怎麼能吃?」 嗯,我那時餓了。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
You see, grief impacted my sleep and my ability to concentrate, but it never impacted my stomach. I was always hungry.
悲痛會影響我的睡眠和專注力, 但它從來沒有影響我的胃。 我總是很餓。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
It's different for all of us, and it's really important that we acknowledge that. So if we don't talk about our death and the death of loved ones, how can we possibly support a friend, a colleague, a neighbor who is grieving? How do we support someone who has lost someone suddenly, like an accident or suicide? We tend to avoid them ... not because we don't care, because we don't know what to say. We know as a friend we can't fix it, we can't take away that pain, so we say things to fill that awkward silence, sometimes things we regret saying. Examples would be: "At least he isn't suffering anymore." "At least you've got your memories." "At least you don't have to pay for hospital parking anymore."
每個人狀況都不一樣, 很重要的是我們要承認這一點。 如果我們不談我們的死亡 以及我們所愛的人的死亡, 我們怎麼有可能支持 正在悲痛中的朋友、 同事、鄰居? 我們要如何支持突然失去某人的人, 比如發生意外或自殺的情況? 我們會傾向避開他們。 不是因為我們不在乎, 因為我們不知道要說什麼。 我們知道,身為朋友, 我們也無法修復這狀況, 我們無法消除痛苦, 所以我們會說些話 來填補尷尬的寂靜, 有時會說出讓我們後悔的話。 舉例來說: 「至少他不會再受苦了。」 「至少你還有你的記憶。」 「至少你不用再付 醫院的停車費了。」
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
Really, we don't need to say anything. We just need to be. Be patient, be understanding, and be a listener. And if you can't be any of those things, then please, be the person who makes the lasagna, the curry or the casserole, because your offerings will be greatly appreciated.
我們其實不用硬找話來說, 我們只要在那裡。 有耐心、 善解人意, 並當一個傾聽者。 如果以上的你都做不到, 那麼,拜託,去當煮義大利麵、 咖哩、或砂鍋菜的人, 因為你的貢獻也會被大大感激。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
I've been to 10 funerals in the last year, one of which I helped arrange. They ran the full gamut: a very solemn Greek Orthodox service, four Catholic requiem masses and a garden party where I made a toast while scattering my friend's ashes around her garden with a soup ladle.
去年我參加了十場葬禮, 我協助安排了其中一場。 葬禮包羅萬象: 一個非常莊重的希臘正教儀式、 四次天主教安魂彌撒, 還有一場花園派對, 在派對上,我舉杯敬酒,同時 把我朋友的骨灰灑在她的花園中, 用長柄湯杓來灑。
(Laughter)
(笑聲)
I have carried, kissed, written on and toasted coffins with a shot of ouzo. I have worn all black, all color and a party dress. Despite the vast differences in sendoff, despite me being at times out of my comfort zone doing something I've never done before, I drew comfort from one thing -- knowing that this is what each person would have wanted.
我抬舉棺木、親吻它、 用一小杯茴香烈酒向它敬酒。 我穿過全黑服裝、 彩色服裝,以及一件派對禮服。 儘管在送葬上有很大的差異, 儘管我有時候會離開我的舒適圈, 做我以前從來沒有做過的事, 我取得慰藉的來源是 知道這是每個人會想要的。
So what do I want? Well, I like to be organized, so I have the will, I'm a registered organ donor, and I have my investment property. All that is left is planning my sendoff, a big party, lots of champagne, color, laughter, and of course, music to remember me by.
我想要什麼? 我想要條理分明,所以我立有遺囑, 我是註冊的器官捐贈者, 我還有我的墓地。 剩下的只有規劃我的送葬, 一個大派對,很多香檳, 有色彩,有笑聲,當然 還有讓人們記得我的音樂。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
(掌聲)