At stille træskoene, tage billetten, glemme at trække vejret, tjekke ud, tage bort, udånde, rejse ind i evigheden... Det er alle eufemismer vi bruger i spøg til at beskrive den hændelse i livet, vi alle kommer til at opleve: Døden. De fleste vil dog ikke anerkende døden, vi har ikke lyst til at planlægge den, vi har ikke lyst til at tale om den med de vigtigste mennesker i vores liv.
To kick the bucket, bite the dust, cash in your chips, check out, depart, expire, launch into eternity ... These are all euphemisms we use in humor to describe the one life event we are all going to experience: death. But most of us don't want to acknowledge death, we don't want to plan for it, and we don't want to discuss it with the most important people in our lives.
Jeg voksede op i Australien, og så at folk blev gamle eller syge og døde, og kun de voksne deltog i begravelserne. Min forældre kom hjem, sørgmodige og trætte, men talte ikke med os om det. Så jeg vidste intet om døden, eller hvordan man sørger. Jeg var 15, da jeg fik en invitation. En elsket nabo, der var som en tante for mig, døde pludseligt af hjertestop, og jeg deltog i min første begravelse, og holdt min første gravtale. Jeg vidste ikke, at knugen i brystet og tørhed i halsen er normalt. Faktuelle fejl i prædikenen, gjorde mig virkelig vred. Det blev sagt, at hun elskede at strikke. At strikke.
I grew up in an Australian community where people got old or sick and passed away, and only the adults attended the funeral. My parents would come home looking sad and drained, but they didn't discuss it with us. So I was ignorant to death and of the grieving process. At 15, I got my invitation. A dear neighbor who was like an aunt to me died suddenly of a heart attack, and I attended my first funeral and did my first reading. I didn't know the tightness in my chest and the dryness in my mouth was normal. The celebrant got some of the facts wrong, and it made me really angry. He talked about how she loved knitting. Knitting.
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Ingen nævnte, at hun som 75-årig stadig slog sin egen græsplæne, byggede en fantastisk fiskedam i sin forhave og bryggede sin egen ingefærøl. "Strikkeglad" er helt sikkert ikke det, hun ville have valgt til sin mindetale.
He didn't mention that, at 75, she still mowed her own lawn, built an amazing fish pond in her front yard and made her own ginger beer. I'm pretty sure "keen knitter" isn't what she would have chosen for her eulogy.
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Hvis vi taler om død som en del af dagligdagen, får vi mulighed for at overveje vores værdier, og dele dem med vores kære; og vores efterladte kan tage informerede beslutninger uden frygt eller fortrydelse for ikke at have gjort vores eftermæle ære.
I believe if we discuss death as part of day-to-day living, we give ourselves the opportunity to reflect on our core values, share them with our loved ones, and then our survivors can make informed decisions without fear or regret of having failed to honor our legacy.
Jeg er heldig at lede et skønt, kulturelt mangfoldigt hold, og i løbet af det sidste år har vi mistet fem forældre, heriblandt min egen far, og senest en tidligere kollega, som døde af tarmkræft som 41-årig. Vi begyndte at tale åbent og ærligt om vores oplevelser. Vi talte om det praktiske, de ting, ingen forbereder dig på: At håndtere myndighederne, hospitalerne, plejehjemmene, livstestamenter, bedemænd og fjerne familiemedlemmer,
I am blessed to lead a wonderful, culturally diverse team, and in the last 12 months, we've lost five parents, including my own father, and most recently, a former colleague who died at 41 from bowel cancer. We started having open and frank conversations about what we were experiencing. We talked about the practical stuff, the stuff no one prepares you for: dealing with government agencies, hospitals, nursing homes, advanced care directives, funeral directors and extended family members,
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beslutninger om kister, gravsten, teksten på gravstenen, størrelsen på teksten på gravstenen, altsammen med søvnunderskud.
making decisions about coffins, headstones, headstone wording, headstone font size, all while sleep-deprived.
Vi talte også om de ting, vores forskellige kulturelle baggrunde udløste, og erkendte, at der kan være stor forskel på, hvordan man ærer en elsket efter døden.
We also discussed some of the issues triggered by our various cultural backgrounds, and we realized there can be some significant differences in how we honor the passing of a loved one.
Et glimrende eksempel er "sorgpraksis", der bruges af den oprindelige befolkning i Australien og Torresstrædet. Under "sorgpraksis" påtager slægtninge sig bestemte roller og ansvar, og handlinger såsom at begrænse fotografier, at undlade at sige den afdødes navn, og at afholde en rygeceremoni alt sammen tegn på respekt der giver ånden en fredelig overgang. Disse skikke kan være i skarp kontrast med de skikke, vi har i vestlige kulturer, hvor vi ærer en elsket persons minde ved at tale om vedkommende og dele billeder.
A great example of this is "Sorry Business," practiced by Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people. During Sorry Business, family members will take on specific roles and responsibilities, protocols such as limiting the use of photographs, saying the name of the deceased, and holding a smoking ceremony are all a sign of respect and allow for a peaceful transition of the spirit. These customs can be a complete contrast to those we might practice in Western cultures, where we would honor the memory of a loved one by talking about them and sharing photographs.
I det sidste år har jeg lært, at livet ville være langt lettere, hvis vi talte om døden nu, mens vi er raske. De fleste af os venter, indtil vi er for berørte, for syge eller for fysisk udmattede - og så er det for sent. Er det ikke på tide vi tager ejerskab af vores finale på jorden?
So my lesson from this last year is, life would be a lot easier to live if we talked about death now, while we're healthy. For most of us, we wait until we are too emotional, too ill or too physically exhausted -- and then it's too late. Isn't it time we started taking ownership of our finale on this earth?
Så lad os komme i gang. Ved du, hvad du ønsker, når du dør? Ved du, hvordan du ønsker at blive mindet? Er stedet vigtigt? Vil du være nær havet eller i havet?
So let's get going. Do you know what you want when you die? Do you know how you want to be remembered? Is location important? Do you want to be near the ocean or in the ocean?
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Ønsker du en religiøs ceremoni, eller en uformel fest, eller vil du gå ud med et brag, bogstaveligt talt, med fyrværkeri?
Do you want a religious service or an informal party, or do you want to go out with a bang, literally, in a firework?
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Der er så meget at tale om, men jeg vil fokusere på to aspekter: Hvorfor det at tale om og planlægge din død kan bidrage til en god død, og mindske presset på dine elskede; og hvordan det at tale om døden kan støtte dem, der sørger.
When it comes to death, there's so much to discuss, but I want to focus on two aspects: why talking about and planning your death can help you experience a good death, and then reduce the stress on your loved ones; and how talking about death can help us support those who are grieving.
Lad os begynde med planlægningen. Hvor mange af jer har et testamente? Ræk hånden op. Åh, det er fantastisk! I Australien har 45% af dem over 18 år ikke et gyldigt testamente. I er lidt over gennemsnittet. Det er en overraskende statistik, fordi det kan være både enkelt og billigt at skrive testamente. Jeg begyndte at spørge venner og naboer, og var overrasket over, at mange intet testamente har, og nogle par ved ikke, at de bør have hver deres testamente. Sædvanligvis er forklaringen, at "min partner får alligevel det hele".
So let's start with planning. How many of you have a will? Put your hand up. Oh, this is fantastic. In Australia, 45 percent of adults over the age of 18 do not have a legal will. You're a little bit above average. This is a startling statistic given that writing a will can actually be quite simple and inexpensive. So I started asking my friends and neighbors and was really surprised to learn many of them don't have a will, and some couples don't realize they need individual wills. The usual explanation was, well, it's all going to go to my partner anyway.
Husk, at loven er forskellig fra stat til stat og land til land. Her er, hvad der sker i New South Wales, hvis du dør uden at efterlade et gyldigt testamente. Først skal en passende bobestyrer udpeges af højesteretten for New South Wales. Formentlig er dette en person, der aldrig har mødt den afdøde. Denne person er ansvarlig for at planlægge din begravelse, samle dine aktiver og fordele dem efter at have betalt gæld og skat. En del af gælden er regningen for denne service. Denne person ved ikke, at du vil efterlade den meter-høje træ-giraf i din stue til den der hjalp dig med at slæbe den halvvejs om Jorden, og ja, det står der i mit testamente.
So keep in mind that laws vary from state to state and country to country, but this is what happens in New South Wales if you die without leaving a legal will. Firstly, a suitable administrator must be appointed by the Supreme Court of New South Wales. Chances are this is someone who would never have met the deceased. That person is then responsible for arranging your funeral, collecting assets and distributing them after paying debts and taxes. And one of those debts will be the bill for their services. This is not someone who would have known you want the four-foot wooden giraffe in your living room to go to the person who helped you carry it halfway across the world, and yes, that's in my will.
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Hvis du efterlader en ægtefælle eller samlever, vil de sandsynligvis arve dig, men hvis du er alene, er det mere indviklet, fordi forældre, søskende, halvsøskende m.m alle kommer i spil. Hvis du regelmæssigt har doneret til velgørenhed, har modtageren måske ret til en del af boet. Det vigtigste er, at jo større dit bo er, jo mere indviklet bliver testamentet - og dermed dyrere. Så hvis du ikke har et testamente, beder jeg dig... hvornår ellers i livet har du villigt givet penge til staten uden at være tvunget?
If you die leaving a spouse or a domestic partner, then chances are they will receive your estate, but if you are single, it's far more complicated, as parents, siblings, half-siblings and dependents all come into play. And did you know that if you make a regular donation to charity, that charity may have grounds to make a claim on your estate? The most important thing to know is the bigger your estate, the more complicated that will will be, and the more expensive that bill. So if you don't have a will, I ask you ... when else in your life have you willingly given money to the government when you didn't have to?
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Min far døde i februar af en lungesygdom. Da min far vidste, at han snart skulle dø, havde han tre klare ønsker. Han ville dø i sit hjem; han ville dø omgivet af familie; og han ville dø fredeligt, uden at skulle gispe efter vejret. Det var heldigvis muligt for os at opfylde hans ønsker, og han nåede sine mål - og i den forstand var det en god død. Den død, han havde planlagt. Fordi min far ønskede at dø hjemme, var det nødvendigt at føre nogle meget svære samtaler og lave meget papirarbejde. Spørgsmålene dækkede alt fra genoplivning til organdonation. Far sagde, "Tag de organer, der kan bruges". Det blev min mor helt oprevet af, fordi min fars helbred svækkedes, og det ikke længere gav mening at tale om organdonation.
I lost my father in February to a progressive lung disease. When dad knew his death was imminent, he had three clear wishes. He wanted to die at home; he wanted to die surrounded by family; and he wanted to die peacefully, not choking or gasping for air. And I'm pleased to say that my family were able to support dad's wishes, and he achieved his goals, and in that sense, he had a good death. He had the death he planned for. Because dad wanted to die at home, we had to have some pretty tough conversations and fill out a lot of paperwork. The questions on the forms cover everything from resuscitation to organ donation. Dad said, "Take whatever organs you can use." This was upsetting to my mum, as my dad's health was deteriorating rapidly, and it was no longer the right time to talk about organ donation.
Vi skal tale om disse emner, når vi er raske og har det godt, så vi kan udelade følelserne og ikke bare finde ud af, hvad der er vigtigt, men hvorfor det er vigtigt.
I believe we need to discuss these issues when we are fit and healthy, so we can take the emotion out of it, and then we can learn not just what is important, but why it's important.
Som en del af min rejse begyndte jeg at tale med mine nære for at høre deres tanker om døden, og hvordan de gerne vil huskes. Jeg opdagede, at man kan være vært for "Døden til Middag", eller en "Dødscafé", hvilket er er herlig, uformel måde at tage emnet op på...
So as part of my journey, I started engaging my family and friends to find out their thoughts on death, and how they wanted to be remembered. I discovered you can host a "Death Over Dinner," or a "Death Cafe," which is a great, casual way to introduce the topic ...
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og opnå stor indsigt.
and gain some wonderful insight.
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Vidste du, at din krop skal bortskaffes lovligt, og at du ikke bare må blive kastet ud over en klippe eller brændt i baghaven?
Did you know that your body has to be legally disposed of, and you can't just be shoved off a cliff or set fire to in the backyard?
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I Australien er der tre muligheder. De mest almindelige er begravelse og kremering, men man kan også donere sin krop til videnskaben. Og det glæder mig at kunne meddele, at der nu er innovation i lig-bortskaffelses-branchen.
In Australia, you have three options. The two most common are burial and cremation, but you can also donate your body to science. And I am pleased to report that innovation has touched the world of corpse disposal.
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Nu er miljøvenlige begravelser en mulighed. Man kan blive begravet for foden af et træ i genbrugskarton eller en flettet kurv. For dem, der elsker havet, er der miljøvenlige urner, der opløses til søs. Personligt vil jeg kremeres. Fordi jeg let bliver søsyg, kan jeg ikke forestille mig noget værre end at få min aske kastet i en kæmpe havdønning. Jeg har faktisk købt plads i rosenhaven ved siden af min far. Jeg kalder det min investeringsejendom.
You can now opt for an eco-funeral. You can be buried at the base of a tree in recycled cardboard or a wicker basket, and for those who love the ocean, there are eco-friendly urns that will dissolve at sea. Personally, I plan to be cremated, but given that I get seasick, I can think of nothing worse than having my ashes flung into a huge ocean swell. I've actually bought a plot in the rose garden next to my dad. I call it my investment property.
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Men desværre er der intet skattefradrag.
But sadly, there's no tax deduction.
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Hvis du planlægger din død, ved dine efterladte, hvordan de gør det rigtig, uden frygt eller dårlig samvittighed over ikke at have æret dit minde. Gennem min forskning har jeg deltaget i seminarer, læst bøger og talt med sygeplejersker med speciale i smertelindring. Det er gået op for mig, at fordi vi ikke taler om døden, ved vi ikke, hvordan vi skal håndtere sorg. Og modsat, hvis vi taler mere om døden, bliver vi mere vant til de følelser, der hører sorgen til.
So if you plan for your death, then your survivors will know how to experience a healthy bereavement without fear or guilt of having failed to honor your legacy. As part of my research, I've been to seminars, read books and talked to palliative care nurses. And I've come to understand as a consequence of not talking about death, we don't know how to be around grief. And on the flip side, if we talk about death more, we will become more comfortable with the emotions we experience around grief.
I år opdagede jeg, at det faktisk er et privilegie at hjælpe nogen forlade dette liv. Mit hjerte er tungt af tab og sorg, men ikke af fortrydelse. Jeg vidste, hvad min far ønskede, og fandt fred i, at jeg kunne udføre hans ønsker. Min fars sidste døgn var i fredeligt koma, og efter dagevis af døgnpleje, havde vi tid til at sidde og holde hans hånd, og sige farvel. Han døde en mandag morgen lige før morgenmad, og lægen kom. Mens vi ventede på bedemanden, gik jeg ud i køkkenet og spiste en stor skål havregrød. Det blev nogle af mine venner, virkelig chokeret over. "Hvordan kunne du spise i den situation?" Jamen, jeg var sulten.
I discovered, this year, it's actually a privilege to help someone exit this life, and although my heart is heavy with loss and sadness, it is not heavy with regret. I knew what dad wanted, and I feel at peace knowing I could support his wishes. My dad's last 24 hours were in a peaceful coma, and after days of around-the-clock care, we had time to sit, hold his hand, and say goodbye. He passed away on a Monday morning just before breakfast, and after the doctor came and we waited for the funeral home, I went into the kitchen, and I ate a big bowl of porridge. When I told some of my friends this, they were really shocked. "How could you eat at a time like that?" Well, I was hungry.
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Forstår I, sorgen påvirkede min søvn og koncentrationsevne, men aldrig min mave. Jeg var hele tiden sulten.
You see, grief impacted my sleep and my ability to concentrate, but it never impacted my stomach. I was always hungry.
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Det er forskelligt for os alle, og det er meget vigtigt at anerkende. Hvis vi ikke taler om vores død, og vores næres død, hvordan skal vi så kunne støtte en ven, en kollega, en nabo, der sørger? Hvordan støtter man en person, der pludselig har mistet nogen, i en ulykke eller et selvmord? Vi plejer at undgå dem... ikke fordi vi er ligeglade, fordi vi ikke ved, hvad vi skal sige. Vi kan ikke gøre det godt igen, vi kan ikke fjerne smerten, så vi forsøger at fylde den akavede tavshed, og siger nogle gange noget, vi fortryder. For eksempel: "I det mindste lider han ikke længere." "Du har da minderne." "Du slipper i det mindste for betaling af hospitalsparkering"
It's different for all of us, and it's really important that we acknowledge that. So if we don't talk about our death and the death of loved ones, how can we possibly support a friend, a colleague, a neighbor who is grieving? How do we support someone who has lost someone suddenly, like an accident or suicide? We tend to avoid them ... not because we don't care, because we don't know what to say. We know as a friend we can't fix it, we can't take away that pain, so we say things to fill that awkward silence, sometimes things we regret saying. Examples would be: "At least he isn't suffering anymore." "At least you've got your memories." "At least you don't have to pay for hospital parking anymore."
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I virkeligheden behøver vi ikke at sige noget. Vi skal bare være. Være tålmodige, være forstående, og lytte. Hvis du ikke kan nogen af de ting, så vær i det mindste den, der laver lasagnen, karryen eller gryderetten, for dit bidrag vil blive værdsat.
Really, we don't need to say anything. We just need to be. Be patient, be understanding, and be a listener. And if you can't be any of those things, then please, be the person who makes the lasagna, the curry or the casserole, because your offerings will be greatly appreciated.
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Jeg har deltaget i 10 begravelser det seneste år, og hjulpet med at arrangere en af dem. Der var alle slags: En meget højtidelig græsk ortodoks gudstjeneste, fire katolske rekviemmer og en havefest, hvor jeg holdt tale, mens jeg strøede hendes aske i haven med en suppeske.
I've been to 10 funerals in the last year, one of which I helped arrange. They ran the full gamut: a very solemn Greek Orthodox service, four Catholic requiem masses and a garden party where I made a toast while scattering my friend's ashes around her garden with a soup ladle.
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Jeg har båret, kysset, skrevet på og skålet for kister med et shot ouzo. Jeg har været klædt helt i sort, farverigt og i en festkjole. På trods af de store forskelle, på trods af, at jeg måske har været utilpas, når jeg gjorde noget, jeg aldrig havde gjort før, fandt jeg styrke i en ting - jeg vidste, at det var, hvad hver person ville have ønsket.
I have carried, kissed, written on and toasted coffins with a shot of ouzo. I have worn all black, all color and a party dress. Despite the vast differences in sendoff, despite me being at times out of my comfort zone doing something I've never done before, I drew comfort from one thing -- knowing that this is what each person would have wanted.
Hvad ønsker jeg så? Jeg kan lide at være velforberedt, så jeg har testamentet, jeg er registreret organdonor, og jeg har min investeringsejendom. Det eneste, der mangler, er at planlægge afskeden, en stor fest, masser af champagne, farver, grin og selvfølgelig musik at mindes mig til.
So what do I want? Well, I like to be organized, so I have the will, I'm a registered organ donor, and I have my investment property. All that is left is planning my sendoff, a big party, lots of champagne, color, laughter, and of course, music to remember me by.
Mange tak.
Thank you.
(Klapsalve)
(Applause)