When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client. I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley. She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.
Kada mi je bilo 20 i nešto godina, imala sam svog prvog klijenta na psihoterapiji. Bila sam doktorant na kliničkoj psihologiji na Berkliju. Ona je imala 26 godina i zvala se Aleks.
Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. Now when I heard this, I was so relieved. My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.
Aleks je došla na svoju prvu sesiju u farmerkama i širokoj neurednoj majici, sručila se na kauč u mojoj kancelariji, šutnula svoje ravne cipele i rekla mi da je tu da bi pričala o problemima sa momkom. Kada sam čula ovo, tako mi je laknulo. Moja koleginica je dobila piromana za svog prvog klijenta.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle. But I didn't handle it. With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road. "Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say, and as far as I could tell, she was right. Work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later. Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.
A ja sam dobila ženu u dvadesetim godinama koja želi da priča o momcima. Mislila sam da sa tim mogu da se izborim. Ali nisam se izborila. Uz smešne priče koje bi Aleks pričala na sesijama, meni je bilo lako da samo klimam glavom dok smo se nadale da će problem nestati sam od sebe. "Tridesete su nove dvadesete", govorila bi Aleks, a koliko se meni činilo, bila je u pravu. Posao je dolazio kasnije, brak je dolazio kasnije, deca su dolazila kasnije, čak je i smrt dolazila kasnije. Ljudi u dvadesetim, poput Aleks i mene, imali su vremena na pretek.
But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life. I pushed back. I said, "Sure, she's dating down,
Ali ubrzo me je moj mentor pritisnuo da pritisnem Aleks po pitanju njenog ljubavnog života. Usprotivila sam se.
she's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy." And then my supervisor said, "Not yet, but she might marry the next one. Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one."
Rekla sam: "Naravno, ona izlazi sa lošijim tipom, spava sa kretenom, ali neće se udati za njega." A onda je moj mentor rekao: "Ne još, ali će se možda udati za onog sledećeg. Osim toga, najbolje vreme da se poradi na Aleksinom braku jeste pre nego što stupi u njega."
That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment. That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20. Yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime. That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there, blowing it. That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.
To je ono što psiholozi nazivaju "aha!" doživljaj. To je bio momenat kada sam shvatila da 30 nije novih 20. Da, ljudi se skrase kasnije nego što su činili nekada, ali to nije značilo da su Aleksine dvadesete zastoj u razvoju. To je značilo da su Aleksine dvadesete najefikasnija tačka razvoja, a mi smo sedele tamo propuštajući je. Tada sam shvatila da je ovakvo benigno zanemarivanje stvarni problem i da ima stvarne posledice, ne samo po Aleks i njen ljubavni život već i po karijere i porodice i budućnosti ljudi od dvadeset i nešto godina svuda na svetu.
There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now. We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.
Postoji 50 miliona ljudi od dvadeset i nešto godina u Sjedinjenim Državama u ovom trenutku. Govorimo o 15 procenata populacije ili 100 procenata ako uzmete u obzir da niko ne prolazi kroz odraslo doba,
(Laughter)
a da ne prođe prvo kroz svoje dvadesete.
Raise your hand if you're in your 20s. I really want to see some twentysomethings here. Oh, yay! You are all awesome. If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see — Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.
Podignite ruku ako ste u dvadesetim. Zaista želim da vidim ljude od dvadeset i nešto godina ovde. O, da! Svi ste sjajni. Ako radite sa ljudima koji su u dvadesetim, volite ljude u tom dobu, brinete se za njih, želim da vidim - Dobro. Sjajno, ljudi od dvadeset i nešto su stvarno važni.
So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.
Meni su specijalnost ljudi u dvadesetim jer verujem da baš svako od tih 50 miliona ljudi u dvadesetim zaslužuje da zna ono što psiholozi, sociolozi, neurolozi i stručnjaci za plodnost već znaju: preuzimanje kontrole nad svojim dvadesetim je jedna od najlakših stvari, koja opet donosi najveću promenu, a koje možete da uradite za posao, za ljubav, za svoju sreću, možda čak i za svet.
This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35. That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s. People who are over 40, don't panic. This crowd is going to be fine, I think. We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn. We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30. We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it. We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.
To nije moje mišljenje. To su činjenice. Znamo da se 80 procenata najpresudnijih trenutaka u životu događa do 35 godine života. To znači da će se osam od 10 odluka i iskustava i "aha" doživljaja koji čine vaš život onim što jeste dogoditi do sredine vaših tridesetih. Vi što imate preko 40, ne paničite. Ova grupa će biti dobro, čini mi se. Znamo da prvih 10 godina karijere ima eksponencijalni uticaj na to koliko ćete novca zarađivati. Znamo da se više od polovine Amerikanaca venčava ili živi ili se zabavlja sa svojim budućim partnerom do 30. Znamo da mozak završava svoj drugi i poslednji zamah rasta tokom dvadesetih kada se preinstalira za odraslo doba, što znači da šta god da želite da promenite kod sebe, sada je vreme da to učinite. Znamo da se ličnost menja tokom dvadesetih godina više nego u bilo kom drugom periodu u životu, i znamo da ženska plodnost dostiže vrhunac u 28. godini, i da stvari postaju komplikovane posle 35. Dakle vaše dvadesete su vreme kada bi trebalo da se informišete o svom telu i svojim opcijama.
So when we think about child development, we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain. It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become. But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.
Kada razmišljamo o razvoju deteta, svi znamo da je prvih pet godina ključni period za jezik i vezanost u mozgu. To je doba kada vaš uobičajeni svakodnevni život ima prekomeran uticaj na to šta ćete postati. Ali ono o čemu manje čujemo jeste to da postoji i razvoj odraslih i naše dvadesete su ključni period u razvoju odrasle osobe.
But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing. Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood. Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence. Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings like "twixters" and "kidults."
Ali to nije ono što dvadesetogodišnjaci čuju. Novine govore o promenama u rasporedu odraslog doba. Istraživači dvadesete godine nazivaju produženom adolescencijom. Novinari kuju blesave nadimke za ljude u dvadesetim kao "odrasla deca".
(Laughing) It's true!
Istina je.
As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.
Kao kultura, mi smo trivijalizovali ono što je zapravo presudna decenija odraslog doba.
Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time.
Lenard Bernštajn je rekao da je za postizanje velikih stvari potreban plan i ne sasvim dovoljno vremena.
(Laughing) Isn't that true?
Nije li to tačno?
So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say, "You have 10 extra years to start your life"? Nothing happens. You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.
Pa šta mislite da se događa kada pogladite osobu od dvadesetak godina po glavi i kažete: "Imaš još 10 dodatnih godina da započneš svoj život"? Ništa se ne događa. Ukrali ste toj osobi neodložnost i ambiciju, i apsolutno ništa se ne događa.
And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this: "I know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time." Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."
A onda svakog dana, pametni, zanimljivi ljudi od dvadeset i nešto, poput vas ili poput vaših sinova i kćerki dolaze u moju kancelariju i govore ovakve stvari: "Znam da moj dečko nije za mene, ali ova veza se ne računa. Ja samo ubijam vreme." Ili kažu: "Svi kažu da ukoliko započnem karijeru pre nego što napunim 30, biću dobro."
But then it starts to sound like this: "My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself. I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college." And then it starts to sound like this: "Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs. Everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down. I didn't want to be the only one left standing up, so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30."
Ali onda to počinje da zvuči ovako: "Dvadesete su mi se skoro završile, a ja nemam ništa svoje da prikažem. Imala sam bolji CV dan pošto sam diplomirala." A onda počinje da zvuči ovako: "Zabavljanje u dvadesetim bilo je kao igra muzičkih stolica. Svi su trčali unaokolo i provodili se, ali onda negde oko 30. kao da je muzika isključena i svi su posedali. Nisam želela da budem jedina koja je ostala da stoji, pa ponekad mislim da sam se udala za svog muža jer mi je bio najbliža stolica kad mi je bilo 30."
Where are the twentysomethings here? Do not do that.
Gde su ovde ljudi od dvadeset i nešto? Nemojte to da radite.
(Laughter)
Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high. When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. Many of these things are incompatible, and as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.
Dobro, sada to zvuči pomalo otresito, ali verujte mi, ulozi su veoma visoki. Kada vam je dosta toga nagurano u tridesete, tu je ogroman pritisak tridesetih godina da pogurate karijeru, izaberete grad, partnera, i da rodite dvoje ili troje dece za mnogo kraći vremenski period. Mnoge ove stvari su nekompatibilne, i kako istraživanje upravo počinje da pokazuje, jednostavno ih je teže i stresnije ostvariti odjednom tokom tridesetih.
The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car. It's realizing you can't have that career you now want. It's realizing you can't have that child you now want, or you can't give your child a sibling. Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room, and say about their 20s, "What was I doing? What was I thinking?" I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.
Postmilenijumska kriza srednjih godina nije kupovina crvenog sportskog auta. To je shvatanje da ne možete da imate tu karijeru koju sada želite. To je shvatanje da ne možete da imate to dete koje sada želite, ili ne možete svom detetu da podarite brata ili sestru. Previše ljudi u tridesetim i četrdesetim gledaju sebe, i mene, dok sede na drugom kraju sobe, i kažu za svoje dvadesete: "Šta sam radio? O čemu sam razmišljao?" Ja želim da promenim ono što ljudi u dvadesetim
Here's a story about how that can go. It's a story about a woman named Emma. At 25, Emma came to my office because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis. She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet, so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead. Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition. And as hard as her 20s were, her early life had been even harder. She often cried in our sessions, but then would collect herself by saying, "You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."
rade i misle. Ovo je priča o tome kako se to može izvesti. To je priča o ženi po imenu Ema. Sa 25 godina, Ema je došla u moju kancelariju jer je, po njenim rečima, imala krizu identiteta. Rekla je da misli da bi možda volela da radi u umetnosti ili zabavi, ali još nije odlučila, pa je provela poslednjih nekoliko godina radeći kao konobarica. Pošto je tako jeftinije, živela je sa dečkom koji je pokazivao svoju narav više nego ambiciju. Koliko god da su njene dvadesete bile teške, njen rani život bio je još teži. Često je plakala na našim sesijama, ali onda bi se sabrala govoreći: "Ne možeš izabrati porodicu, ali možeš izabrati prijatelje."
Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the hour. She'd just bought a new address book, and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words "In case of emergency, please call ..." She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said, "Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck? Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"
Jednog dana, Ema ulazi i obara glavu u krilo, i jeca veći deo tih sat vremena. Upravo je kupila novi adresar, i provela je jutro upisujući svoje brojne kontakte, ali onda je ostala zagledana u to prazno polje koje dolazi posle reči "U hitnom slučaju, molim pozovite..." Bila je skoro histerična kada me je pogledala i rekla: "Ko će biti pored mene ako doživim saobraćajnu nesreću?
Now in that moment, it took everything I had not to say, "I will." But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared. Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance. I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma's defining decade went parading by.
Ko će se brinuti o meni ako dobijem rak?" U tom trenutku, dala sam sve od sebe da ne kažem: "Ja ću." Ali Emi nije bio potreban neki terapeut kome je zaista, zaista stalo. Emi je bio potreban bolji život, a ja sam znala da je ovo njena šansa. Naučila sam i suviše mnogo od kad sam prvi put radila sa Aleks da bih samo sedela tamo dok Emina ključna decenija lagano promiče.
So over the next weeks and months, I told Emma three things that every twentysomething, male or female, deserves to hear.
Tako da sam narednih nedelja i meseci, govorila Emi tri stvari koje svako u dvadesetim, bio muškarac ili žena, zaslužuje da čuje.
First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. By "get identity capital," I mean do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next. I didn't know the future of Emma's career, and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this: Identity capital begets identity capital. So now is the time for that cross-country job, that internship, that startup you want to try. I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count, which, by the way, is not exploration. That's procrastination. I told Emma to explore work and make it count.
Prvo, rekla sam Emi da zaboravi na krizu identiteta i da stekne nešto kapitala identiteta. Pod sticanjem kapitala identiteta mislim da uradite nešto što dodaje vrednost na ono ko ste. Uradite nešto što je investicija u ono što biste možda hteli da budete u budućnosti. Ja nisam znala budućnost Emine karijere, i niko ne zna budućnost posla, ali ja znam ovo: kapital identiteta rađa kapital identiteta. Dakle sada je vreme za taj posao na drugom kraju države, za tu praksu, tu "start-ap" firmu koju bi da isprobaš. Ovde ne isključujem istraživanje ljudi u dvadesetim, ali isključujem istraživanje koje ne treba da se računa, što, usput, i nije istraživanje. To je odugovlačenje. Rekla sam Emi da istraži poslove i da to učini vrednim.
Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated. Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work. That new piece of capital, that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle. New things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends of friends of friends. So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed. But half aren't, and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group. Half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job. It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.
Drugo, rekla sam Emi da je urbano pleme precenjeno. Najbolji prijatelji su sjajni za vožnju do aerodroma, ali ljudi u dvadesetim koji se grupišu sa vršnjacima istih stavova ograničeni su po tome koga znaju, šta znaju, kako razmišljaju, kako pričaju, i gde rade. Taj novi delić kapitala, ta nova osoba s kojom ćeš se zabavljati skoro uvek dolazi izvan unutrašnjeg kruga. Nove stvari proističu iz onoga što zovemo našim slabim vezama, prijateljima prijatelja naših prijatelja. Tačno, polovina ljudi u dvadesetim je nezaposlena ili zaposlena ispod svog stručnog nivoa. Ali polovina nije, a slabe veze su način na koji ulaziš u tu grupu. Polovina novih poslova se nikada ne objavljuje, tako da je kontaktiranje komšijinog šefa način na koji dobijate taj neobjavljeni posao. To nije varanje. To je nauka o tome kako se informacija širi.
Last but not least, Emma believed that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. Now this was true for her growing up, but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own. I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.
Na kraju, ali ne manje važno, Ema je verovala da ne možeš da izabereš porodicu, ali možeš da izabereš prijatelje. Ovo je bilo tačno u slučaju njenog odrastanja, ali kao osoba u dvadesetim, Ema će ubrzo izabrati svoju porodicu kada pronađe partnera i stvori svoju porodicu.
Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, or even 25, and I agree with you. But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.
Rekla sam Emi da je vreme da počne da bira svoju porodicu sada. Možda mislite da je 30 godina zapravo bolje vreme za ulaženje u brak nego 20 ili čak 25, i ja se slažem sa vama. Ali zgrabiti onoga s kim živite ili spavate kada svi na fejsbuku počnu da se venčavaju, nije napredak. Najbolje vreme za rad na braku jeste pre nego što stupite u njega, a to znači delovati s namerom u slučaju ljubavi podjednako kao i u slučaju sa poslom. Kod biranja porodice treba svesno odabrati koga i šta želite, a ne samo pokušavati ili ubijati vreme sa bilo kim ko se zadesi da izabere vas.
So what happened to Emma? Well, we went through that address book, and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state. That weak tie helped her get a job there. That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums. She's married to a man she mindfully chose. She loves her new career, she loves her new family, and she sent me a card that said, "Now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough."
Dakle šta se dogodilo Emi? Pa, pregledali smo taj adresar, i pronašla je rođaka svoje stare cimerke koji radi u jednom umetničkom muzeju u drugoj saveznoj državi. Ta slaba veza joj je pomogla da dobije posao tamo. Ta poslovna ponuda joj je dala razlog da ostavi tog dečka sa kojim je živela. Sada, pet godina kasnije, ona radi kao planer posebnih događaja za muzeje. Udata je za čoveka koga je svesno izabrala. Obožava svoju novu karijeru, obožava svoju novu porodicu, i poslala mi je razglednicu na kojoj je napisala: "Sada praznine za kontakte u hitnim slučajevima izgledaju nedovoljno velike."
Now Emma's story made that sound easy, but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings. They are so easy to help. Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji. Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.
Po Eminoj priči to zvuči lako, ali to je ono što ja volim kod rada sa ljudima u dvadesetim. Njima je tako lako pomoći. Ljudi u dvadesetim su kao avioni koji upravo poleću iz Los Anđelesa, usmereni negde ka zapadu. Odmah nakon poletanja, mala promena u kursu predstavlja razliku između sletanja na Aljasci ili Fidžiju. Isto tako, sa 21 ili 25 ili čak 29 godina, jedan dobar razgovor, jedna dobra šansa, jedan dobar TED govor, može imati ogroman efekat za više budućih godina i čak generacija.
So here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know. It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex. It's what I now have the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day: Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now.
Dakle ovo je ideja koju vredi preneti svakoj osobi u dvadesetim koju poznajete. Jednostavna je kao i ono što sam naučila da kažem Aleks. To je ono što sada imam privilegiju da svaki dan kažem ljudima u dvadesetim kao što je Ema: tridesete nisu nove dvadesete, preuzmite kontrolu nad svojim odraslim dobom, nabavite neki kapital identiteta, upotrebite svoje slabe veze, odaberite svoju porodicu. Nemojte da vas definiše ono što niste znali ili niste uradili. Vi odlučujete o svom životu upravo sada.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(Aplauz)