When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client. I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley. She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.
Ko sem bila v svojih dvajsetih sem imela prvo psihoterapevtsko stranko. Jaz sem bila doktorska študentka klinične psihologije na Berkeleyju. Ona je bila 26-letnica po imenu Alex.
Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. Now when I heard this, I was so relieved. My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.
Alex je prišla na svojo prvo seanso oblečena v kavbojke in veliko, visečo majico in se vrgla na kavč v moji pisarni, brcnila z nog svoje natikače in mi rekla, da se hoče pogovarjati o svojih težavah s fanti. Ko sem to slišala, mi je res odleglo. Moja sošolka je dobila za svojo prvo stranko požigalca.
(Laughter)
(smeh)
And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle. But I didn't handle it. With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road. "Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say, and as far as I could tell, she was right. Work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later. Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.
In jaz sem dobila dvajset-in-nekaj-letnico, ki se je hotela pogovarjati o fantih. Mislila sem, da bom to zmogla. A nisem zmogla. S smešnimi zgodbami, ki jih je Alex pripovedovala na seansah, je bilo lahko samo prikimavati, medtem ko sva se vrteli kot mački okoli vrele kaše. "Trideseta so nova dvajseta," je govorila Alex, in če ste vprašali mene, je imela prav. Služba se je dogajala kasneje, zakoni so se dogajali kasneje, otroci so se zgodili kasneje, celo smrt se je zgodila kasneje. Dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki kot Alex in jaz niso imeli drugega kot čas.
But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life. I pushed back. I said, "Sure, she's dating down, she's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy." And then my supervisor said, "Not yet, but she might marry the next one. Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one."
A kmalu je moj nadzornik zahteval, da se z Alex pogovorim o njenem ljubezenskem življenju. Uprla sem se. Rekla sem: "Seveda, hodi s slabšimi od sebe, spi z navadnim butcem, ampak saj se ne bo poročila z njim." In potem je moj nadzornik rekel: "Ne še, a morda se bo poročila z naslednjim. Poleg tega, najboljši čas, da delaš z Alex na njenem zakonu, je preden ga ima."
That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment. That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20. Yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime. That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there, blowing it. That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.
To je to, kar psihologi imenujejo "Aha!" trenutek. To je bil trenutek, ko sem spoznala, da trideseta niso nova dvajseta. Res je, ljudje se ustalijo kasneje kot v preteklosti, a to še ne pomeni, da so Alexina dvajseta razvojni premor. To je pomenilo, da so Alexina dvajseta najboljši razvoji trenutek in midve sva tam sedeli in ga zapravljali. Takrat sem spoznala, da je takšno nedolžno zanemarjanje resnični problem z resničnimi posledicami, ne samo za Alex in njeno ljubezensko življenje, temveč tudi za kariere, družine in prihodnosti dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov vsepovsod.
There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now. We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.
Kar 50 milijonom dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov je v Združenih državah Amerike. Govorimo o 15 % prebivalstva oziroma o 100 %, če upoštevamo, da nihče ni odrasel,
(Laughter)
ne da bi šel najprej skozi svoja dvajseta.
Raise your hand if you're in your 20s. I really want to see some twentysomethings here. Oh, yay! You are all awesome. If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see — Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.
Dvignite roko, če ste v svojih dvajsetih. Res bi rada videla nekaj dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov tukaj. O, juhej! Vi vsi ste super! Če delate z dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki, imate radi dvajset-in-nekaj-letnika, izgubljate spanec zaradi dvajset-in-nekaj-letnika, dvignite... V redu. Odlično, dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki so res pomembni.
So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.
Specializiram se za dvajset-in-nekaj-letnike, ker verjamem, da si čisto vsak izmed tistih 50 milijonov dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov zasluži vedeti, kar psihologi, sociologi, nevrologi in plodnostni strokovnjaki že vedo: da je prilaščanje svojih dvajsetih najenostavnejša, a vseeno najbolj transformativna stvar, ki jo lahko naredite za svoje delo, ljubezen, za svojo srečo, morda celo za svet.
This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35. That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s. People who are over 40, don't panic. This crowd is going to be fine, I think. We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn. We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30. We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it. We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.
To ni moje mnenje. To so dejstva. Vemo, da se 80 % najpomembnejših življenjskih dogodkov zgodi pred 35. letom. To pomeni, da se bo 8 izmed 10. odločitev, izkušenj in "Aha!" trenutkov, ki naredijo vaše življenje to kar je, zgodilo do sredine vaših tridesetih let. Tisti, ki ste čez 40, ne paničarite. Mislim, da tejle množici ne bo hudega. Vemo, da ima prvih 10 let kariere eksponentni vpliv na količino denarja, ki jo boste zaslužili. Vemo, da je več kot polovica Američanov poročena, živi ali hodi s svojim bodočim partnerjem do 30. leta. Vemo, da možgani izbruhnejo v drugi in zadnji rasti v vaših dvajsetih, ko se pripravljajo za odraslost, kar pomeni, da karkoli želite spremeniti na sebi, je zdaj pravi trenutek za to. Vemo, da se osebnost spremeni bolj v vaših dvajsetih, kot v katerem koli drugem življenjskem obdobju, ter vemo, da ženska plodnost doseže vrhunec pri 28. letu, in da se stvari zapletejo po 35. letu. Vaša dvajseta so torej čas, da se izobrazite o vašem telesu in vaših možnostih.
So when we think about child development, we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain. It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become. But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.
Ko torej pomislimo na otroški razvoj vsi vemo, da je prvih pet let kritičnih za razvoj jezika in navezanosti v možganih. To je čas, ko ima vaše običajno, vsakodnevno življenje neobičajen vpliv na to kar boste postali. A manj pogosto slišimo, da obstaja odrasli razvoj, in da so naša dvajseta kritično obdobje odraslega razvoja.
But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing. Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood. Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence. Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings like "twixters" and "kidults."
A dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki tega ne slišijo pogosto. Časopisi pišejo o spremenjenem razporedu odraslosti. Raziskovalci imenujejo dvajseta podaljšana mladost. Novinarji si zmišljujejo smešne vzdevke za dvajset-in-nekaj-letnike, kot so "tviksterji" in "otrokodrasli."
(Laughing) It's true!
Zares.
As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.
Kot kultura smo pripisali nepomembnost nečemu, kar je odločilno desetletje odraslosti.
Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time.
Leonard Bernstein je rekel, da za dosego velikih stvari, potrebuješ načrt in ravno premalo časa.
(Laughing) Isn't that true?
Kaj ni to res?
So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say, "You have 10 extra years to start your life"? Nothing happens. You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.
Torej kaj mislite, da se zgodi, ko potrepljaš dvajset-in-nekaj-letnika po glavi in rečeš, "Imaš 10 dodatnih let, da začneš svoje življenje"? Nič se ne zgodi. To osebo ste oropali občutka nuje in ambicije in zgodi se popolnoma nič.
And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this: "I know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time." Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."
Tako vsak dan pametni, zanimivi dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki, kot ste vi, vaši sinovi ali hčere, pridejo v mojo pisarno in govorijo takšne stvari: "Vem, da moj fant ni primeren zame, ampak to razmerje se ne šteje. Samo zapravljam čas." Ali rečejo, "Vsi pravijo, da dokler začnem s kariero do 30. leta, bo vse v redu."
But then it starts to sound like this: "My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself. I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college." And then it starts to sound like this: "Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs. Everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down. I didn't want to be the only one left standing up, so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30."
Ampak potem začne zveneti bolj kot: "Moja dvajseta so skoraj že za mano in nič nimam kar bi lahko pokazala. Imela sem boljši življenjepis na dan, ko sem diplomirala." In potem se spremeni v: "Zmenkarjenje v mojih dvajsetih je bilo kot 'ples s stoli.' Vsi smo se podili naokrog in se zabavali, potem pa je okoli 30. glasba ugasnila in vsi so se začeli usedati. Nisem hotela biti edina brez stola, zato včasih mislim, da sem se poročila s svojim možem, ker je bil najbližji stol, ko sem dopolnila 30."
Where are the twentysomethings here? Do not do that.
Kje so dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki? Ne delajte tega!
(Laughter)
Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high. When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. Many of these things are incompatible, and as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.
V redu, to se sliši nekoliko pretirano, ampak nikar se ne slepite, tveganja so velika. Ko se približujete tridesetim, se pojavi gromozanski pritisk tridesetih, da začnete svojo kariero, si izberete mesto, partnerja in imate dva ali tri otroke v veliko krajšem času. Veliko teh stvari je nezdružljivih in raziskave začenjajo kazati, da jih je veliko težje in bolj stresno opravljati vse naenkrat v naših tridesetih.
The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car. It's realizing you can't have that career you now want. It's realizing you can't have that child you now want, or you can't give your child a sibling. Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room, and say about their 20s, "What was I doing? What was I thinking?" I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.
Kriza srednjih let v novem tisočletju ni kupovanje rdečega športnega avtomobila. Je spoznanje, da ne morete imeti kariere, ki si jo sedaj želite. Je spoznanje, da ne morete imeti otroka, ki si ga sedaj želite, ali da svojemu otroku ne morete dati brata ali sestre. Preveč trideset- in štirideset-in-nekaj-letnikov gleda sebe in mene, ki sedim nasproti njih, in rečejo o svojih dvajsetih: "Kaj sem delala? Kaj sem razmišljala?" Želim spremeniti kar dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki
Here's a story about how that can go.
delajo in razmišljajo.
It's a story about a woman named Emma. At 25, Emma came to my office because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis. She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet, so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead. Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition. And as hard as her 20s were, her early life had been even harder. She often cried in our sessions, but then would collect herself by saying, "You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."
Povem vam zgodbo kako se lahko to spremeni. Zgodbo o ženski po imenu Emma. Kot 25-letnica je Emma prišla v mojo pisarno, ker je imela, kot je rekla sama, krizo identitete. Rekla je, da bi morda rada delala v umetnosti ali zabavni industriji, vendar se še ni odločila, zato je preteklih nekaj let delala kot natakarica. Ker je bilo ceneje, je živela s fantom, ki je bolj razkazoval svojo vzkipljivost kot ambicije. Njena dvajseta so bila težka, a še bolj težko je bilo njeno otroštvo. Pogosto je jokala na najinih seansah, potem pa se je ponavadi zbrala z besedami: "Ne moreš si izbrati družine, lahko pa si izbereš prijatelje."
Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the hour. She'd just bought a new address book, and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words "In case of emergency, please call ..." She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said, "Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck? Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"
Nekega dne Emma vstopi, položi glavo v svoje naročje in joče večino najine ure. Ravnokar je kupila novi žepni imenik in jutro je preživela ob vpisovanju svojih številnih kontaktov, potem pa je strmela v prazni prostor, ki pride po besedah "V nujnem primeru pokličite..." Bila je skoraj histerična, ko me je pogledala in rekla: "Kdo bo prišel, če me bo zbil avto? Kdo bo skrbel zame, če bom imela raka?"
Now in that moment, it took everything I had not to say, "I will." But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared. Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance. I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma's defining decade went parading by.
V tistem trenutku sem mogla zbrati vso svojo moč, da nisem rekla "Jaz." Vendar Emma ni potrebovala terapevta, ki ga resnično skrbi. Emma je potrebovala boljše življenje in vedela sem, da je bila to njena priložnost. Odkar sem prvič delala z Alex, sem se naučila preveč, da bi samo sedela in pustila, da gre Emmino odločilno desetletje s fanfarami mimo naju.
So over the next weeks and months, I told Emma three things that every twentysomething, male or female, deserves to hear.
Tekom naslednjih tednov in mesecev sem povedala Emmi tri stvari, ki si jih vsak dvajset-in-nekaj-letnik, naj bo moški ali ženska, zasluži vedeti.
First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. By "get identity capital," I mean do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next. I didn't know the future of Emma's career, and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this: Identity capital begets identity capital. So now is the time for that cross-country job, that internship, that startup you want to try. I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count, which, by the way, is not exploration. That's procrastination. I told Emma to explore work and make it count.
Najprej sem ji rekla, naj pozabi na krizo identitete in si raje pridobi nekaj identitetnega kapitala. Z identitetnim kapitalom mislim na stvari, ki dodajo vrednost tvoji osebnosti. Naredi nekaj, kar bo investicija v osebo, ki morda želiš postati. Nisem poznala prihodnosti Emmine kariere in nihče ne pozna prihodnosti dela, a vem to: Identitetni kapital poraja identitetni kapital. Zdaj je torej čas za tisto službo nekje daleč, tisto pripravništvo, tisto podjetje, ki ga želiš začeti. Ne zavračam raziskovanja dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov, zavračam pa raziskovanje, ki ni namenjeno ničemur, ki tako ali tako ni raziskovanje. To je zavlačevanje. Emmi sem rekla, naj razišče delovne možnosti in jih izkoristi.
Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated. Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work. That new piece of capital, that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle. New things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends of friends of friends. So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed. But half aren't, and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group. Half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job. It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.
Kot drugo, sem Emmi povedala, da je urbano pleme precenjeno. Najboljši prijatelji so super, ko rabiš prevoz do letališča, vendar dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki, ki se gnetejo s podobno mislečimi vrstniki, omejijo svoja poznanstva, svoje znanje, svoje razmišljanje, svoj govor in svoja delovna mesta. Tisti novi delček kapitala, tista nova oseba za zmenke, skoraj vedno pride izven stalne družbe. Nove stvari pridejo iz tako imenovanih šibkih vezi, naši prijatelji od prijateljev od prijateljev. Res je, polovica dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov je brez- ali podpovoprečno zaposlena. Vendar polovica jih ni in šibke vezi so vstopnica v to skupino. Polovica novih delovnih mest ni nikoli razpisanih, zato je pogovor s sosedovim šefom način, kako dobiš tisto neobjavljeno službo. To ni goljufanje. Je znanost o širjenju informacij.
Last but not least, Emma believed that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. Now this was true for her growing up, but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own. I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.
In še kot zadnje, Emma je verjela, da si ne moreš izbrati družine, lahko pa si izbereš prijatelje. To je bilo res, ko je odraščala, vendar si bo Emma kot dvajset-in-nekaj-letnica kmalu izbrala svojo družino, ko si bo izbrala partnerja in začela svojo družino. Emmi sem rekla, da je zdaj čas za izbiranje družine.
Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, or even 25, and I agree with you. But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.
Morda mislite, da je pri tridesetih boljši čas, da se ustalite kot pri dvajsetih ali celo petindvajsetih in jaz se strinjam. Vendar to, da pograbite tistega s katerim slučajno živite ali spite, ko vsi na Facebooku začnejo hoditi proti oltarju, ni napredek. Najboljši čas, da delate na svojem zakonu, je preden ga imate in to pomeni, da ste z ljubeznijo prav tako namerni, kot ste z delom. Izbira družine je zavestna odločitev koga in kaj si želite, ne le vztrajanje ali zapravljanje časa z osebo, ki si je slučajno izbrala vas.
So what happened to Emma? Well, we went through that address book, and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state. That weak tie helped her get a job there. That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums. She's married to a man she mindfully chose. She loves her new career, she loves her new family, and she sent me a card that said, "Now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough."
Kaj se je torej zgodilo z Emmo? Šli sva skozi njen žepni imenik in našla je bratranca bivše cimre, ki je delal v galeriji v drugi zvezni državi. Ta šibka vez ji je pomagala dobiti službo tam. Ta ponudba za službo ji je dala razlog, da je zapustila fanta s katerim je živela. Danes, pet let pozneje, je organizatorka posebnih dogodkov za muzeje. Poročena je z moškim, ki ga je zavestno izbrala. Obožuje svojo novo kariero, obožuje svojo novo družino in poslala mi je razglednico na kateri je pisalo: "Zdaj se mi prostori za kontakte v nujnih primerih ne zdijo dovolj veliki."
Now Emma's story made that sound easy, but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings. They are so easy to help. Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji. Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.
Emmina zgodba zveni preprosto in ravno to obožujem pri delu z dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki. Tako lahko jim je pomagati. Dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki so kot letala, ki ravno zapuščajo letališče v Los Angelesu, namenjena nekam na zahod. Takoj po vzletu majhna sprememba smeri pomeni razliko med pristankom na Aljaski ali Fidžiju. Podobno lahko ima pri 21. ali 25. ali celo 29. en dober pogovor, en dober odmor, en dober TED govor ogromen učinek na leta ali celo generacije, ki šele pridejo.
So here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know. It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex. It's what I now have the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day: Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now.
Tukaj je torej ideja vredna širjenja vsakemu dvajset-in-nekaj-letniku, ki ga poznate. Je preprosto kot tisto, kar sem se naučila reči Alex. Je tisto, kar imam privilegij reči dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikom, kot je Emma, vsak dan: Trideseta niso nova dvajseta, zato si prilastite svojo odraslost, pridobite nekaj identitetnega kapitala, uporabite svoje šibke vezi, izberite si družino. Naj vas ne opredeli tisto, česar niste vedeli ali niste naredili. O svojem življenju odločate ta trenutek.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(aplavz)