When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client. I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley. She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.
Kada sam imala dvadest godina, primila sam svoju prvu klijenticu na psihoterapiju. Tada sam bila na doktorskom studiju kliničke psihologije na Berkeleyju. Ona je bila 26-godišnjakinja po imenu Alex.
Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. Now when I heard this, I was so relieved. My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.
Alex je došla na prvi razgovor odjevena u traperice i široku majicu. Sjela je na kauč u mom uredu i skinula cipele. Rekla mi je da želi razgovarati o problemima s dečkima. Kad sam to čula, tako mi je laknulo. Prvi klijent moje kolegice bio je piroman.
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle. But I didn't handle it. With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road. "Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say, and as far as I could tell, she was right. Work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later. Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.
A mene je zapala dvadesetgodišnjakinja koja je htjela razgovarati o dečkima. Činilo mi se da ću to imati pod kontrolom. No nisam. Alex bi mi na seansama pričala smiješne priče, pa mi je bilo lako kimati glavom, dok smo tako tratile vrijeme. Alex bi govorila: "Tridesete su nove dvadesete" I, što se mene tiče, bila je u pravu. Kasnije se zaposlite, kasnije se vjenčate, kasnije imate djecu, kasnije i umirete. Dvadesetgodišnjaci poput Alex i mene imali su vremena napretek.
But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life. I pushed back. I said, "Sure, she's dating down, she's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy." And then my supervisor said, "Not yet, but she might marry the next one. Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one."
No uskoro me mentor počeo nagovarati da pritisnem Alex zbog njezinog ljubavnog života. Ja sam se odupirala. Rekla sam: "Naravno, zaslužuje boljeg dečka, spava s budalom, ali ionako se neće udati za njega." A onda mi je mentor rekao: "Neće, ali bi se mogla udati za sljedećeg. Osim toga, nabolje vrijeme da Alex radi na svom braku je prije nego što se uda."
That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment. That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20. Yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime. That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there, blowing it. That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.
To psiholozi nazivaju "AHA! trenutkom". To je bio trenutak kada sam shvatila da tridesete NISU nove dvadesete. Istina, ljudi se skrase kasnije, ali to ne znači da su za Alex dvadesete vrijeme pauze u razvoju. Nego su, dvadesete ključna točka u razvoju. A mi smo sjedile i tratile to vrijeme. Tada sam shvatila da je to dobroćudno zanemarivanje pravi problem i da ima posljedice, ne samo za Alex i njezin ljubavni život, nego i na karijere, obitelji i budućnost dvadesetgodišnjaka diljem svijeta.
There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now. We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.
Trenutno, je u SAD-u, 50 milijuna dvadesetogodišnjaka. To je 15 posto stanovništva. Ili, 100 posto, uzmemo li u obzir, da nitko ne dođe do zrele dobi,
(Laughter)
a da najprije ne prođe kroz svoje dvadesete.
Raise your hand if you're in your 20s. I really want to see some twentysomethings here. Oh, yay! You are all awesome. If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see — Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.
Podignite ruku ako ste u dvadesetima. Zaista želim vidjeti dvadesetgodišnjake. To! Sjajni ste. Ako radite s dvadesetgodišnjacima ili volite nekog od njih. Ako ne spavate zbog nekog dvadesetgodišnjaka, da vidim... Dobro. Odlično. Dvadesetgodišnjaci su zaista bitni.
So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.
Specijelizirala sam se za dvadesetgodišnjake jer vjerujem da baš svaki od tih pedeset milijuna dvadesetgodišnjaka zaslužuje znati ono što psiholozi, sociolozi, neurolozi i strčnjaci za plodnost već znaju. Osvijestiti svoje dvadesete godine jedna je od najjednostavnijih stvari, koje možete učiniti kako biste napravili promjenu u poslovnom životu, u ljubavi i u sreći. A možda čak i u svijetu.
This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35. That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s. People who are over 40, don't panic. This crowd is going to be fine, I think. We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn. We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30. We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it. We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.
To nije moje mišljenje. To su činjenice. Znamo da se 80 posto najvažnijih trenutaka u životu dogode prije 35. godine. To znači da se osam od deset odluka, iskustava i "AHA! trenutaka" koji oblikuju vaš život dogodi do vaših srednjih tridesetih. Vi koji imate više od 40, ne paničarite. Mislim da će s tom ekipom sve biti u redu. Znamo da prvih deset godina karijere ima eksponencijalni učinak na to koliko ćete zarađivati u budućnosti. Znamo da je više od polovice Amerikanaca vjenčano, živi ili je u vezi sa svojim budućim partnerom do 30. godine. Znamo da mozak u dvadesetima završava drugi i posljednji intenzivni ciklus razvoja jer se priprema za odraslu dob. To znači da ono što na sebi želite promijeniti sada je vrijeme da to učinite. Znamo da se osobnost mijenja više tijekom dvadesetih nego u ijednom drugom razdoblju u životu. Također znamo da je ženska plodnost na vrhuncu u 28. godini. I da su stvari malo zeznute nakon 35. godine. Dakle, dvadesete su vrijeme da se informirate o svom tijelu i o tome koje su mogućnosti pred vama.
So when we think about child development, we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain. It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become. But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.
Kad govorimo o razvoju djece, svi znamo da je prvih pet godina presudno za razvoj jezika i povezanost neurona u mozgu. To je vrijeme kad vaš obični, svakodnevni život ima neobičan utjecaj na to u što ćete se pretvoriti. No rjeđe čujemo da postoji razvoj odraslih i naše su dvadesete ključni period tog razvoja.
But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing. Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood. Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence. Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings like "twixters" and "kidults."
No, dvadesetgodišnjaci to nigdje nemaju priliku čuti. Novine pišu o pomicanju dobnih granica odraslih. Istraživači dvadesete zovu produženi pubertet. Novinari smišljaju smiješne nadimke za dvadesetogodišnjake. Kao "twixters" i (zreli adolescenti)
(Laughing) It's true!
"kidults" (odrasla djeca). Da, zbilja.
As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.
Kao kultura smo zapravo trivijalizirali, definirajuće desetljeće zrelosti.
Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time.
Leonard Bernstein je rekao: "Da bismo postigli velike stvari trebamo plan i nedovoljno vremena."
(Laughing) Isn't that true?
Zar nije tako?
So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say, "You have 10 extra years to start your life"? Nothing happens. You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.
Pa, što mislite da se dogodi kada dvadesetogodišnjaka pogladite po glavi i kažete: "Imaš još deset godina da započneš svoj život"? Ništa! Ukrali ste toj osobi želju i ambiciju. I ništa se ne dogodi.
And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this: "I know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time." Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."
I onda, svaki dan, pametni, zanimljivi dvadesetogodišnjaci, kao vi ili vaši sinovi i kćeri, dolaze u moj ured i kažu: "Znam da moj dečko nije taj, ali ova veza se ionako ne računa. Ja samo ubijam vrijeme s njim." Ili "Svi kažu da ako počnem raditi do 30-te, sve će biti u redu."
But then it starts to sound like this: "My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself. I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college." And then it starts to sound like this: "Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs. Everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down. I didn't want to be the only one left standing up, so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30."
Ali nakon toga počinje zvučati ovako nekako: "Moje dvadesete su pri kraju, a ja nemam ništa od njih. Životopis mi je izgledao bolje dan nakon što sam završila fakultet." A onda ovako: "Izlasci u dvadesetima su bili kao ona igra sa stolcima. Prvo svi trče okolo i zabavljaju se. Ali onda u tridesetima kao da je netko ugasio glazbu i svi su morali sjesti. Ja nisam željela biti jedina koja stoji, pa ponekad mislim da sam se udala za svog muža zato što mi je bio najbliža stolica u tridesetoj."
Where are the twentysomethings here? Do not do that.
Dvadesetogodišnjaci, gdje ste? Nemojte to raditi!
(Laughter)
Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high. When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. Many of these things are incompatible, and as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.
Znam da zvuči ludo, ali ne zavaravajte se. Ulozi su vrlo visoki. Kada puno toga odlažete za tridesete, velik je i pritisak na te tridesete. Početi karijeru, preseliti se, pronaći partnera dobiti djecu u kratkom periodu. Puno tih stvari ne idu skupa. I istraživanja pokazuju da su jednostavno teže i stresnije istodobno u tridesetima.
The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car. It's realizing you can't have that career you now want. It's realizing you can't have that child you now want, or you can't give your child a sibling. Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room, and say about their 20s, "What was I doing? What was I thinking?" I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.
'Milenijalaci' u krizi srednjih godina ne kupuju crveni sportski auto. Nego, shvaćaju da ne mogu imati karijeru kakvu sada žele. Shvaćaju da ne mogu imati dijete koje sada žele. Ili, da ne mogu imati još jedno dijete. Previše tridesetogodišnjaka i četrdesetogodišnjaka, sjedi u mom uredu i kada razmišlja o dvadesetima, pita se: "Što sam ja to radio?" "Što sam mislio?" Ja želim promijeniti što dvadesetogodišnjaci rade
Here's a story about how that can go.
i kako razmišljaju.
It's a story about a woman named Emma. At 25, Emma came to my office because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis. She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet, so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead. Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition. And as hard as her 20s were, her early life had been even harder. She often cried in our sessions, but then would collect herself by saying, "You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."
Ovo je jedna verzija kako je to moguće napraviti. Ovo je priča o Emmi. U 25. godini, Emma je ušla u moj ured, jer je, kako je rekla, imala krizu identiteta. Rekla je da možda želi raditi u umjetnosti ili industriji zabave, ali kako još nije odlučila zadnjih par godina je radila kao konobarica. Kako joj je to bilo jeftinije, živjela je s dečkom. A on je češće pokazivao nasilnu narav, nego ambiciju. I koliko god su joj dvadesete bile teške, život joj je prije bio još teži. Često je plakala na seansama. A onda bi skupila snagu i rekla: "Ne možeš birati obitelj, ali možeš prijatelje."
Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the hour. She'd just bought a new address book, and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words "In case of emergency, please call ..." She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said, "Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck? Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"
Jednog dana je Emma došla, spustila glavu u krilo i ridala gotovo čitav sat. Upravo je kupila novi adresar, i provela jutro u prepisivanju informacija svojih kontakata. Ali, je ostala zuriti u prazno polje koje dolazi nakon riječi: "U slučaju nužde, nazvati ______." Bila je histerična kada me pogledala i rekla: "Kome će bit stalo ako budem imala prometnu nesreću?" "Tko će se brinuti o meni ako budem imala rak?"
Now in that moment, it took everything I had not to say, "I will." But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared. Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance. I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma's defining decade went parading by.
U tome trenutku, skupila sam svu snagu, da ne kažem: "Ja ću." Ono što je Emma trebala, nije bila psihoterapeutkinja kojoj je bilo zbilja, zbilja stalo. Emmi je bio potreban bolji život, i znala sam da je ovo prava prilika. Naučila sam previše od svog prvog susreta s Alex da bih samo sjedila dok Emmino najvažnije desetljeće života mirno prolazi.
So over the next weeks and months, I told Emma three things that every twentysomething, male or female, deserves to hear.
Tijekom sljedećih tjedana i mjeseci rekla sam Emmi tri stvari koje svaki dvadesetogodišnjak mora čuti.
First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. By "get identity capital," I mean do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next. I didn't know the future of Emma's career, and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this: Identity capital begets identity capital. So now is the time for that cross-country job, that internship, that startup you want to try. I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count, which, by the way, is not exploration. That's procrastination. I told Emma to explore work and make it count.
Prvo, rekla sam Emmi da zaboravi krizu identiteta, i stvori identitetni kapital. Pod time mislim da čini stvari kojima dobiva na vrijednosti. Investiraj u ono što želiš biti. Nisam znala koja je Emmina poslovna budućnos nitko ne može predvidjeti tržište rada, ali znam ovo: Identitetski kapital stvara identitetski kapital. Dakle, sada je vrijeme za taj posao u drugoj zemlji. Za ono pripravništvo. Za svoju start-up tvrtku. Dakle, ne kritiziram istraživanje u dvadesetima ali osuđujem ono istraživanje koje se 'ne računa'. A to, nije istraživanje. To je odugovlačenje. Rekla sam Emmi da istraži svoje poslovne mogućnosti. I odabere posao koje se računa.
Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated. Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work. That new piece of capital, that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle. New things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends of friends of friends. So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed. But half aren't, and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group. Half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job. It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.
Drugo, rekla sam Emmi da je urbano pleme precijenjeno. Prijatelji su super kada te treba odvesti na aerodrom. Ali, dvadesetogodišnjaci koje se stalno druže sa svojim istomišljenicima, ograničeni su na one koje znaju, na ono što znaju, kako misle kako govore i gdje rade. Ta nova vrijednost u kapitalu, nova osoba za izlaske gotovo uvijek je pripadnik vanjskog kruga poznanika. Nove stvari su rezultat 'slabih društvenih veza'. Prijatelja od prijatelja naših prijatelja. I da, polovica dvadesetogodišnjaka je nezaposleno ili slabo plaćeno. Ali, druga polovica nije. A 'slabim vezama' se dolazi u tu polovicu. Polovica oglasa za nova radna mjesta se nikada ne objavljuje. Do takvih radnih mjesta možete doći kontaktirate li susjedova šefa. To nije varanje. To je znanost širenja informacija.
Last but not least, Emma believed that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. Now this was true for her growing up, but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own. I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.
I zadnje, Emma je vjerovala da ne možeš birati svoju obitelj, ali možeš birati prijatelje. To je bila njezina istina s kojom je odrastala. Ali, kao dvadesetogodišnjakinja, Emma će ubrzo odabrati svoju obitelj. Kada odabere partnera i stvori svoju obitelj. Rekla sam joj da je sada vrijeme da počne birati svoju obitelj.
Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, or even 25, and I agree with you. But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.
Sada mislite da je bolje skrasiti se u tridesetoj. Nego s 20 ili 25 godina. I slažem se s vama. Ali 'uhvatiti' s kim god u tom trenu živite ili spavate kada svi na Facebooku počnu šetati prema oltaru nije neki napredak. Najbolje vrijeme za rad na braku je prije nego ste vjenčani. To znači pristupati ljubavi s jednakim namjerama kao i prema poslu. Odabirati svoju obitelj znači svjesno izabrati koga i što želite, umjesto truditi se da nešto uspije ili 'ubijati vrijeme' s nekim tko je izabrao vas.
So what happened to Emma? Well, we went through that address book, and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state. That weak tie helped her get a job there. That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums. She's married to a man she mindfully chose. She loves her new career, she loves her new family, and she sent me a card that said, "Now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough."
Što se dogodilo s Emmom? Pogledale smo kontakte u njezinom adresaru. Ona je pronašla rođaka stare cimerice koji je radio u muzeju u drugoj državi. Ta 'slaba veza' joj je pomogla da dobije posao ondje. Ta ponuda za posao je bila dovoljan razlog da ostavi dečka s kojim je živjela. Danas, pet godina poslije, ona je organizator priredbi u muzejima. Udana je za čovjeka kojeg je ona pažljivo odabrala. Voli svoju novu karijeru, i novu obitelj. Poslala mi je poruku: "Sada, ona praznina za kontakt u slučaju nužde se čini premala."
Now Emma's story made that sound easy, but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings. They are so easy to help. Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji. Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.
Emmina priča sada zvuči tako jednostavno. Ali, baš zato volim raditi s dvadesetogodišnjacima. Njima je tako lako pomoći. Dvadesetogodišnjaci su kao avioni koji odlaze s LAX-a spremi krenuti na zapad. Odmah nakon uzlijetanja, čak i mala promjena smjera čini razliku hoće li sletjeti u Aljasci ili na Fidžiju. Isto tako, imate li 21, 25 ili 29 godina, jedan dobar razgovor, jedna dobra prilika, jedan dobar TED Talk, može imati ogroman utjecaj, na godine i generacije koje tek dolaze.
So here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know. It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex. It's what I now have the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day: Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now.
Dakle, ovo je ideja koju vrijedi širiti dalje svim dvadesetogodišnjacima koje znate. To je jednostavno kao ono što sam rekla Alex. To je ono što sada imam privilegij reći dvadesetogodišnjacima kao što je Emma svaki dan: "Tridesete nisu nove dvadesete, osvijestite svoju zrelost, stvorite identitetni kapital, koristite 'slabe veze', odaberite svoju obitelj. Nemojte se definirati prema onome što niste znali ili niste učinili. Odlučujete o svome životu upravo sada.
Thank you.
Hvala.
(Applause)
(Pljesak)