When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client. I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley. She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.
Kui ma olin 20ndates, kohtusin ma oma esimese psühhoteraapia patsiendiga. Tol hetkel olin ma PhD tudeng Berkeley-s kliinilise psühholoogia erialal. Patsient oli 26-aastane naine, nimega Alex.
Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. Now when I heard this, I was so relieved. My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.
Alex tuli seansile, jalas teksad ja seljas suur lodev särk. Ta prantsatas mu kabineti sohvale ning viskas jalast tuhvlid ja ütles mulle, et ta on siin suhteprobleemi pärast. Kui ma kuulsin seda, tundsin ma kergendust. Mu kaastudengile sattus esimeseks patsiendiks süütaja.
(Laughter)
(Naer)
And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle. But I didn't handle it. With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road. "Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say, and as far as I could tell, she was right. Work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later. Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.
Ja mulle sattus mingi 20-aastane, kes tahtis rääkida poistest. Ma arvasin, et ma saan sellega hakkama. Aga tegelikult mitte. Kõik need naljakad lood, mida Alex rääkis, ma lihtsalt noogutasin kaasa, kuniks me veeretasime palli edasi-tagasi. "30 on uus 20", ütles Alex ning nii palju, kui mina oskan öelda, oli tal õigus. Tööle asutakse hiljem, abiellutakse hiljem, lapsed tulevad hiljem, sest isegi surm tuleb hiljem. 20ndates inimestel, nagu Alex ja mina, polnudki muud kui vaid aeg.
But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life. I pushed back. I said, "Sure, she's dating down, she's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy." And then my supervisor said, "Not yet, but she might marry the next one. Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one."
Varsti aga käis mu juhendaja peale, et ma nõuaks Alexilt oma suhtega tegelemist. Ma tõrkusin vastu. Ma ütlesin: "Jah, ta käib kohtamas ja magab jobuga, aga ta ju otseselt ei taha abielluda temaga hetkel". Ning mu juhendaja ütles: "Praegu mitte, aga ta võib seda ju teha järgmise samasugusega". "Pealegi, parim on ennetada selliseid asju praegu, kui hakata tulemiga hiljem tegelema".
That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment. That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20. Yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime. That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there, blowing it. That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.
See on see hetk, mida psühholoogid kutsuvad "Ahaa!" momendiks. Sellel hetkel ma sain aru, et 30ndad pole uued 20ndad. Jah, inimesed leiavad kaaslase hiljem kui vanasti, see aga ei tähendanud, et Alex poleks pidanud 20selt enda kallal tööd tegema. See just tähendas Alexi jaoks parimat aega enda kallal töötamiseks. Ja nii me istusime, veeretades palli, nentides fakti. Selle protsessi käigus ma sain aru, et sellist sorti loomuomane hoolimatus on väga suur probleem, millel on tõsised tagajärjed, mitte ainult Alexile ja tema suhetele, vaid üleüldiselt inimestele 20ndates. Nende karjäärile, peredele ja kogu tulevikule.
There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now. We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.
Ainuüksi Ameerikas on 50 miljonit inimest vanuses 20-30. See on 15 protsenti kogu ühiskonnast. Või siis 100%, kui arvestada seda, et me kõik peame läbima 20ndad, enne kui täiskasvanuks saame.
(Laughter)
(Naer)
Raise your hand if you're in your 20s. I really want to see some twentysomethings here. Oh, yay! You are all awesome. If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see — Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.
Palun tõstke käsi, kes on vanuses 20-30. Ma tõesti loodan näha kedagi selles vanuses siin. Oh, tore! Te olete ägedad. Nüüd! Ma tahaks tõesti näha, kui sa töötad selles eas inimestega, sa armastad kedagi selles eas või muretsed nende pärast. Okei. Lahe, 20ndates inimesed tõesti tähendavad teile midagi.
So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.
Niisiis, ma olen spetsialiseerunud selles eas inimestele, kuna ma usun, et igaüks nendest 50 miljonist inimesest vanuses 20-30 väärivad teadvustamist, mida selles eas inimeste kohta juba teavad sotsioloogid, neuroloogid ja viljastuseksperdid: 20ndates oma elu üle kontrolli võtmine on üks kõige lihtsamaid, samas edasiviivamaid asju, mida sa teha saad oma karjääri, armastuse ja õnne jaoks, võibolla isegi terve maailma jaoks.
This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35. That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s. People who are over 40, don't panic. This crowd is going to be fine, I think. We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn. We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30. We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it. We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.
See ei ole ainult minu arvamus. Need on faktid. Me teame, et 80% elu kõige tähtsamatest sündmustest juhtuvad enne 35-aastaseks saamist. See tähendab, et 8-l juhul 10-st kõikidest otsustest ja kogemustest ja "Ahaa!" momentidest, mis muudavad su elu, on juhtunud 30ndate keskpaigaks. Inimesed, kes on üle 40, ei torma. Ma usun, et rahvas siin on sellega nõus. Me teame, et 10 esimest aastat sinu karjääris on eksponentsiaalse mõjuga sellele, kui suur hakkab sinu sissetulek olema. Me teame, et enam kui pooled ameeriklastest on abielus, elavad koos või kohtuvad oma tulevikupartneriga ajaks, mil nad saavad 30. Me teame, et aju alustab oma teist ja viimast arenguspurti 20ndates. See on aeg, kui toimub ümberseadistamine täiskasvanueluks, mis tähendab, et mida iganes sa soovid muuta enda juures, siis see on see aeg seda teha. Me teame, et iseloom muutub rohkem su 20ndates, kui ükstapuha mis muul ajal su elus. Ning me teame, et naiste viljakuse kõrgtase saavutatakse 28-aastasena, ja et asjad lähevad keeruliseks peale 35. Seega sinu 20ndad on aeg ennast harida, oma keha ja valikute osas.
So when we think about child development, we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain. It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become. But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.
Niisiis, kui me mõtleme laste arengule, siis me teame, et esimesed 5 aastat on kriitilise tähtsusega keele ja informatsiooni kinnistamiseks ajus. See on aeg, kui su harilik igapäevaelu omab äärmuslikku mõju sellele, milliseks sa saad. Aga mida me väga vähe kuuleme, on see, et on olemas areng täiskasvanueas ja meie 20ndad on kriitiline aeg täisea arengus.
But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing. Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood. Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence. Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings like "twixters" and "kidults."
Aga see kõik on see, mida 20ndates inimestele ei räägita. Uudistes räägitakse täisea nihutamisest. Teadlased kutsuvad 20ndaid pikendatud nooruseaks. Ajakirjanikud kasutavad jaburaid termineid, kirjeldamaks 20ndaid nagu "pool-täiskasvanud" ja "lapsmees".
(Laughing) It's true!
(Naer) See on tõsi!
As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.
Kogu ühiskond on hakanud vähem hindama aega, mis on nii oluline täisikka jõudmiseks.
Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time.
Leonard Bernstein on öelnud, et saavutada suuri eesmärke, on sul vaja plaani ja mitte liiga palju aega.
(Laughing) Isn't that true?
(naer) Kas see pole mitte õigesti öeldud?
So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say, "You have 10 extra years to start your life"? Nothing happens. You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.
Nii et, mis te arvate juhtuks, kui patsutada 20ndates inimest õlale ja öelda: "Sul on veel 10 lisa-aastat, et alustada oma eluga"? Midagi ei juhtu. Seda tehes võtad sa inimeselt igasuguse ambitsiooni ja tungi ning mitte midagi ei juhtu.
And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this: "I know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time." Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."
Ja siis iga päev, tark, huvitav keegi 20ndates nagu sina või su pojad ja tütred, tuleb minu kabinetti ja ütleb midagi sellist nagu: "Ma tean, et mu poiss pole mulle õige, aga see suhe ei tähenda midagi, ma lihtsalt löön aega surnuks". Või nad ütlevad: "Kõik räägivad, et kui ma suudan alustada oma karjääriga enne, kui saan 30, on kõik korras".
But then it starts to sound like this: "My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself. I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college." And then it starts to sound like this: "Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs. Everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down. I didn't want to be the only one left standing up, so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30."
Ning siis hakkab kogu lugu kõlama umbes nii: "Mu 20ndad on peaaegu läbi ja ma pole enda heaks midagi teinud. Mul oli parem resümee päeval, kui ma lõpetasin ülikooli." Ja edasi: "Kohtamine 20ndates oli nagu toolimäng. Kõik tormasid ringi ja lõbutsesid, aga umbes 30selt muusika peatus ja kõik istusid maha. Ma ei tahtnud olla ainuke, kes jäi püsti seisma, mistõttu tunnen, et abiellusin oma mehega, kuna ta oli ainus saadaolev istumiskoht".
Where are the twentysomethings here? Do not do that.
Kes siin kohalolijatest on 20ndates? Ärge nii tehke!
(Laughter)
(Naer)
Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high. When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. Many of these things are incompatible, and as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.
Okei, see kõlab küll teisiti, aga ärge valesti aru saage - panused on kõrged. Kui palju on surutud 30ndatesse, tekib tohutu 30ndate aastate surve alustamaks karjääri, leidmaks elukoht, elukaaslane ja saada 2 või 3 last ning seda kõike palju lühema ajaga. Kõige selle korraga saavutamine ei ole võimalik ja nagu uuringud on hakanud näitama, on see raskem ja põhjustab suuremat stressi, kui seda kõike teha 30ndates.
The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car. It's realizing you can't have that career you now want. It's realizing you can't have that child you now want, or you can't give your child a sibling. Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room, and say about their 20s, "What was I doing? What was I thinking?" I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.
Millennialite keskeakriis ei tähenda punase sportauto ostmist. See on aeg, kui mõistad, et on võimatu saavutada seda, mida tahad. See on aeg kui saad aru, et enam ei saa last, keda sa nüüd tahad, või sul pole võimalik talle anda õde või venda. Liiga palju inimesi 30ndates ja 40ndates vaatavad endale otsa või küsivad minult üle laua, mõeldes oma 20ndatele: "Mida ma tegin? Mida ma mõtlesin?". Ma tahan muuta seda, mida 20ndates tehakse ja mõeldakse.
Here's a story about how that can go. It's a story about a woman named Emma. At 25, Emma came to my office because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis. She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet, so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead. Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition. And as hard as her 20s were, her early life had been even harder. She often cried in our sessions, but then would collect herself by saying, "You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."
Siin on üks näide, kuidas see olla võiks. See on jutt naisest nimega Emma. 25-aastane Emma tuli mu kabineti, sest, nagu ta ise ütles, oli tal identiteedikriis. Ta rääkis, et ta arvab, et võiks töötada kunsti- või meelelahutusvallas, aga ta ei olnud veel otsustanud. Seega ta oli viimased aastad hoopis töötanud ettekandjana. Sest elu oli odavam, ta elas oma poiss-sõbraga, kes näitas välja oma iseloomu rohkem kui oma ambitsioone. Nii rasked kui ta 20ndad ka ei olnud ta elu enne seda oli olnud veel hullem. Sessioonide käigus ta nuttis tihti, aga lõpuks ta võttis end kokku ja ütles: "Sa ei saa endale valida perekonda, küll aga sõpru".
Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the hour. She'd just bought a new address book, and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words "In case of emergency, please call ..." She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said, "Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck? Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"
Igatahes, üks päev Emma sisenes ja nõjatas oma pea sülle ja nuttis valjult enamus tunni. Ta oli just ostnud kontaktiraamatu ja oli hommik otsa kirja pannud oma sõpru ja tuttavaid, aga siis, peale rida raamatus - "Hädaolukorra puhul, palun helistage..." - oli tühi leht. Ta oli peaaegu hüsteerias, kui ta vaatas mulle otsa ja ütles: "Kes on minuga, kui ma satun õnnetusse? Kes hoolitseb mu eest, kui mul diagnoositakse vähk?"
Now in that moment, it took everything I had not to say, "I will." But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared. Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance. I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma's defining decade went parading by.
Sel hetkel võtsin ma endast kõik, et mitte öelda: "Mina hoolitsen". Aga see mida Emma vajas, polnud terapeut, kes tõesti väga hooliks. Emmal oli vaja paremat elu ja ma teadsin, et see on tema võimalus. Alexiga töötades olin ma korduvalt õppinud lihtsalt istuma ja kuulama, samal ajal kui Emma kõige tähtsam kümnend mööda marssis.
So over the next weeks and months, I told Emma three things that every twentysomething, male or female, deserves to hear.
Järgmiste kuude ja nädalate jooksul ütlesin ma Emmale kolm põhiasja, mida iga temevanuses mees või naine kuulma peaks.
First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. By "get identity capital," I mean do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next. I didn't know the future of Emma's career, and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this: Identity capital begets identity capital. So now is the time for that cross-country job, that internship, that startup you want to try. I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count, which, by the way, is not exploration. That's procrastination. I told Emma to explore work and make it count.
Esiteks, ma ütlesin Emmale, et ta unustaks identiteedikriisi ja looks endale identiteedi pagasi. Selle all pean ma silmas, et teha midagi sellist, mis lisaks väärtust sinu isiksusele. Teha midagi, mis on investeering sellesse, kelleks sa tahad saada. Ma ei teadnud sel hetkel Emma karjääri tulevikku, üleüldse, keegi ei tea oma tulevikku, aga ma tean, et identiteedi pagas on seemneks sinu olemusele. Seega praegu on aeg just selleks tööks - praktika, idufirma, mida iganes sa tahad teha. Ma ei välista siinkohal 20ndate eneseavastust, aga mis selles kontekstis ei lähe arvesse, sest muuseas, see pole avastamine ja areng. See on homse peale lükkamine. Ma ütlesin Emmale, et ta avastaks end läbi töö ja looks iseendale kasu.
Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated. Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work. That new piece of capital, that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle. New things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends of friends of friends. So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed. But half aren't, and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group. Half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job. It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.
Teiseks, ma ütlesin Emmale, et sõpruskond ei asenda pere. Parimad sõbrad sobivad hästi sind lennujaama viima, aga 20-aastased, kes on peadpidi teiste samasugustega koos, piiravad enda tutvusringkonda, teadmisi, kujutlusvõimet, väljendusoskust ja tööväljavaateid. Uued tuuled ja enesearendus, nagu uus kaaslane, leitakse peaaegu alati väljaspool sõprusringkonda. Uued tuuled puhuvad võõraste juurest - meie sõprade sõprade sõprade poolt. Nii et tõesti, pooled 20ndates on täielikult või osaliselt töötud. Aga pooled neist pole. Ning tutvuste-tutvused on tee, mille kaudu saad sina ka sinna gruppi. Pooli töökuulutustest ei tehta kunagi avalikuks. Seega, võttes ühendust oma naabri ülemusega, saad selle mitteavaliku töö. See ei ole pettus, see on viis, kuidas informatsioon levib.
Last but not least, Emma believed that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. Now this was true for her growing up, but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own. I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.
Lõpuks, Emma uskus, et sa ei saa valida omale pere, küll aga sõpru. See oli ka tõsi ajal, mil ta üles kasvas, aga 20ndates hakkab Emma ise endale pere looma, kui ta leiab endale partneri ja temaga lapsed saab. Ma ütlesin Emmale, et aeg, mil omale pere valida, on käes.
Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, or even 25, and I agree with you. But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.
Nüüd võite te mõelda, et 30 on parem aeg paigale jääda kui 20 või isegi 25. Ma nõustun teiega. Aga kinni haarata keegi, kellega sa koos elad või magad, samal ajal kui kõik Facebookis oma abielu staatusi uuendavad, ei ole edasiminek. Parim aeg oma abielu kallal tööd teha on enne, kui sa oled abielus. See tähendab, et oleksid oma suhtes samamoodi eesmärgile pühendunud nagu sa oled oma töös. Oma perekonna loomine tähendab teadlikke valikuid selle nimel, keda sa tahad ja mida sa tahad. Mitte aga üritada lihtsalt suvaliselt asju korda ajada või aega surnuks lüüa, kellega iganes sa kokku satud.
So what happened to Emma? Well, we went through that address book, and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state. That weak tie helped her get a job there. That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums. She's married to a man she mindfully chose. She loves her new career, she loves her new family, and she sent me a card that said, "Now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough."
Nii et, mis juhtus Emmaga? Me käisime koos läbi ta kontaktiraamatu ja ta leidis sealt oma vana toakaaslase nõbu, kes töötas kunstimuuseumis, teises osariigis. See kauge tutvus aitas tal saada seal töö. See tööpakkumine võimaldas tal maha jätta oma elukaaslase. Nüüd, 5 aastat hiljem, on ta tähtsündmuste planeerija muuseumitele. Ta on abielus mehega, kelle ta ise teadlikult valis. Ta armastab oma uut karjääri, ta armastab oma uut perekonda. Ning ta saatis mulle kaardi, millel oli kirjas: "Praeguseks on mu kontaktisikute nimekiri, kellega hädaolukorra puhul ühendust võtta, kasvanud piisavalt suureks."
Now Emma's story made that sound easy, but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings. They are so easy to help. Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji. Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.
Nõndaks, Emma lugu kõlas lihtsalt, aga see ongi, miks ma armastan töötada 20-ndates inimestega. Neid on kerge abistada. 20 midagi on nagu lennukid, kes on just lennuväljalt õhku tõusmas. Just peale õhkutõusu võib vaid kerge kursimuutus tähendada maandumist Alaskal või Fijil. Nagu ka 21selt või 25selt või isegi 29selt, üks hea vestlus, üks hea sõnavahetus, üks hea TED kõne, suudab mõjutada tohutult erinevas vanuses inimesi ja isegi järgnevaid generatsioone.
So here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know. It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex. It's what I now have the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day: Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now.
Niisiis, siin on üks idee, mida tasub edastada igale 20ndates inimesele. See on sama lihtne, kui see, mis ma õppisin ütlema Alexile. See sõnum on privileeg, mida ma saan öelda igale 20ndates inimesele, nagu Emmalegi: 30 ei ole uus 20, seega võta härjal sarvist, loo endale pagas identiteediks, kasuta oma tutvusi, loo endale perekond. Ära lase end mõjutada sellest, mida sa ei teadnud või mida sa ei teinud. Sina otsustad oma elu üle nüüd.
Thank you.
Aitäh!
(Applause)
(Aplaus)