Da jeg var i 20'erne, fik jeg min allerførste psykoterapipatient. Jeg var en ph.d.-studerende i klinisk psykologi ved Berkeley. Hun var en 26-årig kvinde ved navn Alex. Til hendes første session troppede Alex op i cowboybukser og en stor, løs top, og hun smed sig i sofaen på mit kontor, sparkede sine flade sko af, og sagde at hun ville snakke med mig om drengeproblemer. Og det blev jeg utrolig lettet over at høre. Min klassekammerats første patient var en brandstifter. (Grin) Og jeg fik en nogen-og-tyve-årig, der ville snakke om drenge. Det mente jeg nok jeg kunne håndtere.
When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client. I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley. She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex. Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. Now when I heard this, I was so relieved. My classmate got an arsonist for her first client. (Laughter) And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle.
Men jeg håndterede det ikke. Med de sjove historier Alex havde med til sessionerne, var det nemt for mig bare at nikke mit hoved, mens vi ignorerede problemerne. "30 er det nye 20" sagde Alex, og så vidt jeg kunne se, havde hun ret. Arbejde kom senere, ægteskab kom senere, børn kom senere, selv døden kom senere. Nogen-og-tyve-årige som Alex og jeg havde al tid i verden.
But I didn't handle it. With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road. "Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say, and as far as I could tell, she was right. Work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later. Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.
Men inden længe pressede min vejleder mig til at presse Alex omkring hendes kærlighedsliv. Jeg pressede igen.
But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life. I pushed back.
Jeg sagde, "Ja, hun dater under mål, hun går i seng med en knoldesparker, men det er jo ikke fordi de skal giftes."
I said, "Sure, she's dating down, she's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy."
Og så sagde min vejleder, "Ikke endnu, men måske gifter hun sig med den næste. I øvrigt er det bedste tidspunkt at arbejde med Alex' ægteskab før hun får et."
And then my supervisor said, "Not yet, but she might marry the next one. Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one."
Det er hvad psykologer kalder for et "Aha!"-øjeblik. Det var i det øjeblik jeg indså at 30 ikke er det nye 20. Ja, folk slår sig ned senere end de gjorde før, men det gjorde ikke Alex' 20'ere til udviklingsmæssig nedetid. Det gjorde Alex' 20'ere til en ideel tid for udvikling, og der sad vi og spildte den. Det var der jeg indså at den slags velmenende forsømmelse var et reelt problem, med reelle konsekvenser, ikke bare for Alex og hendes kærlighedsliv, men for karriererne og familierne og fremtiden for nogen-og-tyve-årige overalt.
That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment. That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20. Yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime. That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there, blowing it. That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.
Der er 50 millioner nogen-og-tyve-årige i USA lige nu. Det er cirka 15 procent af befolkningen, eller 100 procent hvis du tager med at ingen kommer gennem deres voksenliv uden at gå igennem deres 20'ere først.
There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now. We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first. (Laughter)
Ræk hånden i vejret hvis du er i 20'erne. Jeg vil virkelig gerne se nogle i 20'erne her. Oh, yay! I er fantastiske. Hvis du arbejder med nogen-og-tyve-årige, hvis du elsker en nogen-og-tyve-årig, du ligger søvnløs over nogen-og-tyve-årige, jeg vil se - Okay. Fantastisk, nogen-og-tyve-årige betyder virkelig noget.
Raise your hand if you're in your 20s. I really want to see some twentysomethings here. Oh, yay! You are all awesome. If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see — Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.
Jeg specialiserer mig i nogen-og-tyve-årige fordi jeg tror på at hver eneste af de 50 millioner nogen-og-tyve-årige fortjener at vide hvad psykologer, sociologer, neurologer, og fertilitetsspecialister allerede ved: at det at tage kontrol over sine 20'ere er en af de simpleste, og alligevel mest transformerende ting du kan gøre for arbejde, for kærlighed, for din lykke, måske endda for verden.
So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.
Det er ikke min mening. Det er fakta. Vi ved at 80 procent af livets mest skelsættende øjeblikke har fundet sted når man fylder 35. Det betyder at otte ud af 10 af de beslutninger og erfaringer og "Aha!"-øjeblikke, der gør dit liv til det det er vil have fundet sted når du er midt i 30'erne. Folk der er over 40, I skal ikke panikke. Den her skare skal nok klare sig, vil jeg tro. Vi ved at de første 10 år af en karriere har en eksponentiel indflydelse på hvor meget man kommer til at tjene. Vi ved at mere end halvdelen af amerikanerne er gifte eller bor med eller dater deres fremtidige partner når de er 30. Vi ved at hjernen lukker for dens anden og sidste vækstspurt i ens 20'ere når den gør sig klar til voksenlivet, hvilket betyder at hvad end det er du vil ændre ved dig selv, så er det nu tiden er til det. Vi ved at personlighed ændrer sig mere i ens 20'ere end på noget andet tidspunkt i ens liv, og vi ved at kvindens frugtbarhed topper i en alder af 28, og det bliver kompliceret efter 35. Så dine 20'ere er tiden hvor du skal uddanne dig selv omkring din krop og dine muligheder.
This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35. That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s. People who are over 40, don't panic. This crowd is going to be fine, I think. We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn. We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30. We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it. We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.
Så når vi tænker på børns udvikling, ved vi alle at de første fem år er en kritisk periode for sprog og tilknytning i hjernen. Det er en tid hvor dit normale dagligdagsliv har en overdreven indvirkning på hvem du bliver til. Men det vi hører mindre om er at der er noget som voksenudvikling, og at vores 20'ere er den kritiske periode i voksenudvikling.
So when we think about child development, we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain. It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become. But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.
Men det er ikke hvad nogen-og-tyve-årige hører. Aviserne taler om det skiftende skema for voksenlivet. Forskere kalder 20'erne en forlænget ungdom. Journalister finder på fjollede kaldenavne for nogen-og-tyve-årige som "twixtere" og "kidults". Det passer. I vores kultur har vi trivialiseret hvad der rent faktisk er det definerende årti i voksenlivet.
But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing. Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood. Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence. Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings like "twixters" and "kidults." (Laughing) It's true! As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.
Leonard Bernstein sagde at for at opnå store ting, så skal du bruge en plan og ikke helt tid nok. Passer det ikke? Så hvad tror I sker når du klapper en nogen-og-tyve-årig på hovedet og siger, "Du har 10 ekstra år til at starte dit liv"? Intet sker. Du har berøvet den person sin hast og ambition, og absolut intet sker.
Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time. (Laughing) Isn't that true? So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say, "You have 10 extra years to start your life"? Nothing happens. You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.
Så hver dag vil kloge, og interessante nogen-og-tyve-årige, som jer eller jeres sønner og døtre, komme ind på mit kontor og sige ting som: "Jeg ved min kæreste er skidt for mig, men det forhold her tæller ikke. Det er bare tidsfordriv." Eller de siger, "Alle siger at så længe jeg får startet på en karriere inden jeg er 30, så skal jeg nok klare mig."
And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this: "I know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time." Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."
Men så begynder det at lyde sådan her: "Mine 20'ere er næsten ovre, og jeg har intet at fremvise for det. Mit CV var bedre dagen efter jeg blev færdig på universitetet."
But then it starts to sound like this: "My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself. I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college."
Og så begynder det at lyde sådan her: "Dating da jeg var i 20'erne var ligesom stoledans. Alle løb rundt og morede sig, men så omkring de 30 var det som musikken blev slukket og alle begyndte at sætte sig. Jeg ville ikke være den eneste der stod tilbage, så nogen gange tror jeg at jeg giftede mig med min mand fordi han var stolen tættest på mig da jeg var 30."
And then it starts to sound like this: "Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs. Everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down. I didn't want to be the only one left standing up, so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30."
Hvor er de nogen-og-tyve-årige her? Lad vær med at gør sådan.
Where are the twentysomethings here? Do not do that.
(Laughter)
Okay, det lyder lidt skørt, men vær ikke i tvivl om at der er rigtig meget på spil. Når mange ting bliver skubbet til dine 30'ere, er der enormt pres på nogen-og-tredive-årige for at få startet en karriere, fundet en by, finde en partner, og få to-tre børn på meget kortere tid. Mange af de her ting passer heller ikke sammen, og som forskningen nu begynder at vise, er de bare sværere og mere stressende at gøre på en gang i vores 30'ere.
Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high. When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. Many of these things are incompatible, and as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.
Midtvejskrisen for børn fra 80'erne og frem er ikke at købe en rød sportsvogn. Det er at indse at du ikke kan få den karriere du nu gerne vil have. At indse at du ikke kan få det barn du nu gerne vil have, eller at du ikke kan give dit barn søskende. For mange folk i 30'erne og 40'erne kigger på dem selv, og på mig, i den anden side af lokalet, og siger om deres 20'ere, "Hvad havde jeg gang i? Hvad tænkte jeg dog på?"
The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car. It's realizing you can't have that career you now want. It's realizing you can't have that child you now want, or you can't give your child a sibling. Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room, and say about their 20s, "What was I doing? What was I thinking?"
Jeg vil gerne ændre hvad nogen-og-tyve-årige gør og tænker.
I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking. Here's a story about how that can go.
Her er en historie om hvordan det kan gå. Det er en historie om en kvinde ved navn Emma. Som 25-årig kom Emma ind på mit kontor fordi hun, som hun selv sagde, havde en identitetskrise. Hun sagde at hun måske gerne ville arbejde med kunst eller underholdning, men hun havde ikke bestemt sig endnu, så hun havde brugt de sidste par år på at være tjener i stedet. Fordi det var billigere, boede hun hos sin kæreste som viste sit temperament mere end sin ambition. Og selvom hendes 20'ere var hårde, havde hendes tidlige år været endnu hårdere. Hun græd ofte til vores sessioner, men fik samling på sig selv ved at sige, "Du kan ikke vælge din familie, men du kan vælge dine venner."
It's a story about a woman named Emma. At 25, Emma came to my office because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis. She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet, so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead. Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition. And as hard as her 20s were, her early life had been even harder. She often cried in our sessions, but then would collect herself by saying, "You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."
En dag kommer Emma ind, hun hænger hovedet nedaf, og så hulkede hun det meste af timen. Hun havde lige købt en ny kontaktbog, og hun havde brugt morgenen på at fylde hendes mange kontakter i den, men så havde hun bare stirret på den tomme plads, der kommer efter ordene "I nødstilfælde, ring venligst til ..." Hun var næsten hysterisk da hun kiggede på mig og sagde, "Hvem vil være der for mig hvis jeg er i en bilulykke? Hvem skal pleje mig hvis jeg får kræft?"
Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the hour. She'd just bought a new address book, and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words "In case of emergency, please call ..." She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said, "Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck? Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"
Og i det øjeblik krævede det al min styrke for ikke at sige, "Det vil jeg." For hvad Emma havde brug for var ikke en terapeut, som virkelig, virkelig ville hende. Emma havde brug for et bedre liv, og jeg vidste at det her var hendes chance. Jeg havde lært for meget siden jeg først arbejde med Alex til bare at sidde der mens Emmas vigtigste årti marcherede forbi.
Now in that moment, it took everything I had not to say, "I will." But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared. Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance. I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma's defining decade went parading by.
Så hen over de næste uger og måneder fortalte jeg Emma tre ting som enhver nogen-og-tyve-årig, mand eller kvinde, fortjener at høre.
So over the next weeks and months, I told Emma three things that every twentysomething, male or female, deserves to hear.
For det første sagde jeg til Emma at hun skulle droppe sin identitetskrise og skaffe sig noget identitetskapital. Og med identitetskapital, mener jeg gør noget, der tilføjer værdi til den du er. Gør noget, der er en investering i hvem du måske gerne vil blive. Jeg kendte ikke fremtiden for Emmas karriere, og ingen kender arbejdets fremtid, men dette ved jeg dog: Identitetskapital avler identitetskapital. Så nu er tiden til det job på den anden sige af landet, det praktikophold, det iværksætteri du gerne vil prøve. Jeg siger ikke at man ikke skal udforske i sine 20'ere, man skal bare ikke lave udforskning, der ikke tæller, hvilket i øvrigt slet ikke er udforskning. Det er overspringshandlinger. Jeg sagde til Emma at hun skulle udforske arbejde og få det til at tælle.
First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. By "get identity capital," I mean do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next. I didn't know the future of Emma's career, and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this: Identity capital begets identity capital. So now is the time for that cross-country job, that internship, that startup you want to try. I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count, which, by the way, is not exploration. That's procrastination. I told Emma to explore work and make it count.
For det andet fortalte jeg Emma at alle vores små kliker er overvurderede. Bedste venner er gode når du skal have et lift til lufthavnen, men nogen-og-tyve-årige, der stimler sammen med ligesindede, begrænser hvem de kender, hvad de ved, hvordan de tænker, hvordan de taler, og hvor de arbejder. Det nye stykke kapital, den nye person at date kommer næsten altid fra et andet sted end inderkredsen. Nye ting kommer fra hvad kaldes vores svage bånd, vores venners venners venner. Så ja, halvdelen af nogen-og-tyve-årige er under- eller slet ikke beskæftigede. Men halvdelen er ikke, og svage bånd er nøglen til at få dig selv ind i den gruppe. Halvdelen af nye stillinger bliver aldrig slået op, så at tage kontakt til din nabos chef er hvordan du får det uopslåede arbejde. Det er ikke at snyde. Det er bare et spørgsmål om hvordan information spreder sig.
Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated. Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work. That new piece of capital, that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle. New things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends of friends of friends. So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed. But half aren't, and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group. Half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job. It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.
Og sidst men ikke mindst mente Emma at du kan ikke vælge din familie, men du kan vælge dine venner. Og det var jo sandt nok i hendes opvækst, men som en nogen-og-tyve-årig skulle Emma snart vælge sin familie, når hun fandt en partner, og stiftede sin egen familie. Jeg fortalte Emma at tiden for hende at vælge familie er nu. Du tænker måske at 30 egentlig er en bedre alder at slå sig ned i end 20, eller endda 25, og jeg er enig. Men at tage hvem end man bor eller går i seng med, når alle på Facebook begynder at gå op ad kirkegulvet, er ikke fremskridt. Det bedste tidspunkt at arbejde på dit ægteskab er før du får et, er betyder du skal være så målrettet med kærlighed som du er med arbejde. At vælge sin familie handler om bevidst at vælge hvem og hvad man vil i stedet for bare at få noget til at fungere eller lave tidsfordriv med hvem end der nu har valgt dig.
Last but not least, Emma believed that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. Now this was true for her growing up, but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own. I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now. Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, or even 25, and I agree with you. But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.
Så hvordan gik det for Emma? Vi gik hendes kontaktbog igennem, og der fandt vi en gammel værelseskammerats fætter, der arbejdede for et kunstmuseum i en anden stat. Det svage bånd hjalp hende til at få arbejde der. Det arbejde gav hende en grund til at forlade kæresten. Og nu, fem år senere, er hun arrangør af særlige begivenheder for museer. Hun er gift med en mand hun bevidst ville have. Hun elsker sin nye karriere, hun elsker sin nye familie, og hun sendte mig et kort hvor der stod, "Nu virker nødstilfældepladserne slet ikke store nok."
So what happened to Emma? Well, we went through that address book, and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state. That weak tie helped her get a job there. That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums. She's married to a man she mindfully chose. She loves her new career, she loves her new family, and she sent me a card that said, "Now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough."
Godt nok får Emmas historie det til at lyde nemt, men det er hvad jeg elsker ved at arbejde med nogen-og-tyve-årige. De er så nemme at hjælpe. Nogen-og-tyve-årige er som fly lige lettet fra Los Angeles lufthavn, på vej vest på. Lige efter afgang kan en lille kursændring være forskellen mellem at lande i Alaska eller Fiji. På samme måde, i en alder af 21, 25, eller endda 29 kan en god samtale, et godt gennembrud, en god TED præsentation, have en enorm effekt mange år og endda generationer frem.
Now Emma's story made that sound easy, but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings. They are so easy to help. Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji. Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.
Så her en idé, der er værd at sprede til alle nogen-og-tyve-årige du kender. Det er så simpelt som hvad jeg lærte at sige til Alex. Det er hvad jeg nu har privilegiet at kunne sige til nogen-og-tyve-årige som Emma hver eneste dag: 30 er ikke det nye 20, så tag kontrol over dit voksenliv, få noget identitetskapital, brug dine svage bånd, vælg din familie. Vær ikke defineret af hvad du ikke vidste eller ikke gjorde. Du bygger dit liv op lige nu. Tak. (Bifald)
So here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know. It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex. It's what I now have the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day: Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now. Thank you. (Applause)