I was one of the founding members of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour. The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed, who is an Egyptian-American, who actually had the idea to go to the Middle East and try it out before we went out as a tour. He went out solo and did it first. Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American. And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group. Now, being Iranian-American presents its own set of problems, as you know. Those two countries aren't getting along these days. So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know, like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.
Bio sam jedan od osnivača Turneje Komedije Osovine Zla. Drugi osnivači su Ahmed Ahmed, ko je egipatski Amerikanac, čija je ideja zapravo bila da odemo na Bliski Istok i probamo. Pre nego što smo napravili turneju, on je otišao sam i uradio to. Onda je tu bio Aron Kader, ko je palestinski Amerikanac. I tu sam bio ja, iranski Amerikanac u grupi. Sada, biti iranski Amerikanac ima i svojih problema, kao što znate. Te dve zemlje se ne slažu ovih dana. I to izaziva dosta unutrašnjih konflikata, znate, kao deo mene me voli, deo mene me mrzi.
(Laughter)
Deo mene misli da bi trebalo da imam nuklearni program,
Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program, the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one. These are dilemmas I have every day.
drugi deo mene misli da mi se ne može verovati sa istim. Postoje dileme koje imam svakog dana.
But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen, which means I have the American passport, which means I can travel. Because if you only have the Iranian passport, you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to with open arms, you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.
Ali ja sam rođen u Iranu; sada sam američki građanin, što znači da imam američki pasoš, što znači da mogu da putujem. Jer ako imate samo iranski pasoš, onda ste ograničeni u kojim zemljama možete da odete sa dobrodošlicom, znate -- Sirija, Venecuela, Severna Koreja.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
So, anyone who's gotten their passport in America will tell you, when you get it, it still says what country you were born in. So I remember getting my American passport. I was like, "Woo-hoo! I'm going to travel." And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man!"
A svako ko dobije američki pasoš će vam reći, kada dobijete pasoš, i dalje će da stoji zemlja u kojoj ste rođeni. I sećam se kada sam dobio američki pasoš. Bilo je kao : 'Wuhu! Ima da putujem!' I kada sam ga otvorio, pisalo je 'Rođen u Iranu'. A ja kao: 'Ma daj, čoveče.'
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"I'm trying to go places."
'Hoću da putujem.'
(Laughter)
Ali interesantno je to, da nikada nisam imao problema
But what's interesting is, I've never had trouble in any Western countries with my American passport, even though it says, "Born in Iran" -- no problems. Where I've had problems is in some of the Arab countries. I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either. So I was in Kuwait recently, doing a comedy show with some other American comedians. They all went through. Then the border patrol saw my American passport: "Ah-ha! American, great." Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."
sa putovanjem u ostalim Zapadnim zemljama sa svojim američkim pasošem, iako piše : 'Rođen u Iranu.'. Nema problema. Dok sam imao nekih problema u nekim arapskim zemljama, jer pretpostavljam da se neke arapske zemlje takođe ne slažu sa Iranom. I bio sam u Kuvajtu skoro, imao komičarski nastup sa nekim američkim komičarima. Svi su prošli, i onda je aerodromska patrola videla moj američki pasoš. ' Ah ha! Amerikanac, super.' I onda ga je otvorio. 'Rođen u Iranu? Čekaj.'
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
And he started asking me questions. He said, "What is your father's name?" I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro." He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?" I said, "He passed away a long time ago. His name was Jabbar." He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away. And I started freaking out, because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.
I onda je počeo sa pitanjima. Rekao je: 'Kako ti se zove otac?' Rekao sam: 'Pa, preminuo je, ali se zvao Khosro'. Pita: ' Kako ti se zove deda?' Rekao sam: ' On je odavno preminuo. Zvao se Džabar.' Rekao je ' Čekaj. Vratiću se.' i otišao je. Počeo sam da paničim. jer ne znam u kakva sranja je moj deda bio.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Thought the guy was going to come back and be like, "We've been looking for you for 200 years."
Mislio sam da će momak da se vrati i biti kao 'Tražili smo te 200 godina.'
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue. You owe us two billion dollars."
'Tvoj deda je imao kaznu za parkiranje. Odavno nije plaćeno. Duguješ nam 2 milijarde dolara.'
(Laughter)
Ali kao što vidite, kada pričam,
But as you can see, when I talk, I speak with an American accent, which you would think, as an Iranian-American actor, I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you. But a lot of times in Hollywood, when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent, they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great! Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'" I go, "I could say that, but what if I were to say, 'Hello. I'm your doctor'?" They go, "Great! And then you hijack the hospital."
pričam sa američkim akcentom, pa biste onda pomislili da kao iransko-američki glumac, mogu da igram bilo koju ulogu, dobru, lošu, koju god. Ali dosta puta u Holivudu, kada reditelji saznaju da imaš poreklo sa Bliskog Istoka, onda kažu : 'Oh, ti si Iranac. Super. Možeš li da kažeš 'Ubiću te u ime Alaha?'" "Mogu da kažem to, šta ako kažem 'Zdravo. Ja sam vaš doktor?'" Onda kažu : "Super. I onda otmeš bolnicu."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Like, I think you're missing the point here. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys. I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank. I want to rob a bank in a film, but do it with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right?
Mislim da propuštate poentu. Ne shvatite me pogrešno, ne smeta mi da igram loše momke. Hoću da glumim lošem momka. Hoću da opljačkam banku. Hoću da opljačkam banku na filmu. Hoću da opljačkam banku na filmu, ali sa pištoljem, sa pištoljem a ne sa bombom zalepljenom oko mene,da.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character would rob the bank with a bomb around him." "Why would I do that? If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"
Jer zamišljam reditelja kako kaže :"Maz, mislim da bi tvoj lik opljačkao banku sa bombom oko sebe." "Zašto bih to uradio? Ako želim pare, zašto bih se ubio?"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
Right?
Tačno.
(Applause) "Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up!"
(Aplauz) "Daj mi sav novac, ili ću da se miniram."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"Well, then blow yourself up.
"Pa, miniraj se.
(Laughter)
Samo uradi to napolje."
Just do it outside, please."
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
But the fact is, there's good people everywhere. That's what I try and show in my stand-up, good people everywhere. All it takes in one person to mess it up. Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York, there was a Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb. Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night doing a comedy show. And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas who flew his airplane into the IRS building, and I happened to be in Austin that day doing a stand-up comedy show. Now I'll tell you, as a Middle-Eastern male, when you show up around a lot of these activities, you start feeling guilty at one point.
Ali je činjenica da svuda ima dobrih ljudi. To i pokušavam da pokažem u svom stanup-u. Svuda ima dobrih ljudi. I dovoljna je jedna osoba da to upropasti. Kao na primer, pre mesec dana na Tajms Skveru u Njuroku, bio je jedan muslimanski Pakistanac koji je probao da eksplodira kola. Sada, desilo se da sam bio na Tajms Skveru te noći i imao sam komičarki šou. I nekoliko meseci pre toga, bio je jedan Amerikanac koji je belac u Ostinu, Teksas koji se zabio svojim avionom u zgradu poreske uprave, i bio sam tada u Ostinu i imao sam standup šou. Sada, kažem vam, kao muškarac sa Bliskog Istoka, kada se puno puta zateknete pored ovakvih aktivnosti, u jednom trenutku počnete da se osećate krivim.
(Laughter)
Gledao sam vesti. Mislio sam : " Da li sam umešan u ovo?'
I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"
"Nije mi stiglo obaveštenje. Šta se dešava?"
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
But what was interesting was, the Pakistani Muslim guy -- see, he gives a bad name to Muslims and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world. And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban took credit for that failed car bombing. My question is: Why would you take credit for a failed car bombing? "We just want to say: we tried."
Ali je bilo interesantno to da muslimski Pakistanac -- vidite, daje loše ime muslimanima i ljudima sa Bliskog Istoka i Pakistancima iz celog sveta. I jedna stvar koja se desila je ta da je pakistanski Taliban rekao da je on kriv za neuspelo miniranje automobila. Moje pitanje je: zašto bi rekao da si kriv za neuspelo miniranje automobila? "Samo hoćemo da kažemo probali smo."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"And furthermore ...
"I dalje,
(Laughter)
važna je ideja."
it is the thought that counts."
(Smeh)
(Laughter)
(Aplauz)
(Applause)
"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."
"Da zaključim, negde pobediš, negde izgubiš."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building, I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States were watching TV, going, "Please, don't be Middle Eastern. Don't be Hassan or Hussein." And the name came out: Jack. I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us!" But I kept watching the news in case they came back, and were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam." "Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"
Ali ono što se desilo je to da kada belac udari avionom u zgradu, znam da su svi moji muslimanski i prijatelji sa Bliskog Istoka u SAD-u gledali TV i mislili: "Molim te nemoj da budeš sa Bliskog Istoka. Nemoj da budeš Hasan. Nemoj da budeš Husein." I ime je izašlo : Džek. I vrisnuo sam 'Vuuuu! Nije od naših.' Ali sam nastavio da gledam vesti za slučaj da se vrate, i budu kao : "Pre nego što je to uradio, prešao je u Islam." "Dođavola! Zašto Džek? Zašto?"
But the fact is, I've been lucky to get a chance to perform all over the world, and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East. I just did a seven-country solo tour. I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia. I was in Dubai. And it's great, there's good people everywhere. And you learn great things about these places. I encourage people always to go visit these places. For example, Dubai -- cool place. They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know. They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall. It is so big, they have taxis in the mall. I was walking. I heard, "Beep! Beep!" I'm like, "What are you doing here?" He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away. Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."
Ali činjenica je da sam imao sreću da nastupam u celom svetu, i imao sam dosta nastupa na Bliskom Istoku. I upravo sam sam završio turneju u 7 država. Bio sam u Omanu, i u Saudijskog Arabiji. Bio sam u Dubaiju. I super je, ima dobrih ljudi svuda. I može dosta da se nauči o ovim mestima. Ja podržavam ljude da posete ova mesta. Na primer, Dubai -- kul mesto. Opsednuti su sa time da imaju najveće, najviše, najduže, kao što svi znamo. Imaju tamo tržni centar, Dubai Tržni Centar. Toliko je veliko, da imaju taxi unutar centra. Šetao sam. I čuo sam "Bip, bip." Pitao sam :"Šta radiš ovde?" Rekao je:"Idem u prodavnicu Zara. Na 3 milja je odavde. Skloni se.Skloni se. Skloni se."
(Laughter)
And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai, but you wouldn't know by the prices. Like in the Dubai Mall, they sell frozen yogurt by the gram. It's like a drug deal. I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst! Habibi, my friend."
I ludo je to što je recesija u Dubaiju, ali ne biste znali po cenama. Na primer u Dubai Tržnom Centru, prodaju smrznuti jogurt na gram. Kao drogu. Šetao sam i neki lik reče:"Psst. Habibi (dragi), prijatelju."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"You want some frozen yogurt?
"Hoćeš malo smrznutog jogurta?
(Laughter)
Dođi. Dođi. Dođi.
Come here. Come here. Come here. I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"
Imam jedan gram, 5 grama, 10 grama. Koliko grama hoćeš?" (Smeh)
(Laughter)
I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?" He's like, "Good stuff, man. Colombian. Top of the line."
Kupio sam 5 grama. 10 dolara. 10 dolara! Rekao sam: "Šta je ovo?" Rekao je :" Dobra stvar, čoveče. Kolumijski. Najbolje. Najbolje."
(Laughter)
Druga stvar koju ponekad naučite je
The other thing you learn when you travel in these countries, in the Middle East, Latin American, South American countries, a lot of times when they build stuff, there's no rules and regulations. For example, I took my two-year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall. And I've taken him to playgrounds all over the United States. And when you put your two-year-old on a slide in the United States, they put something on the slide to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide. Not in the Middle East.
da kada putujete u zemlje Bliskog Istoka, nekada u zemljama Latinske Amerike, zemlje Južne Amerke -- dosta puta kada grade nema pravila i regulisanja. Na primer, odveo sam svog dvogodišnjeg sina na igralište u Dubai Tržnom Centru. I vodio sam ga na igrališta po celoj SAD. I kada stavite dvogodišnje dete na tobogan u SAD-u, oni stave nešto na tobogan da uspori dete dok se spušta. Ne na Bliskom Istoku.
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I put my two-year-old on the slide, he went whoosh! He took off!
Stavio sam svog dvogodišnjaka na tobogan, i krenuo je frrmrmrm! Jurnuo je.
(Laughter)
Otišao sam dole. Vrisnuo sam: "Gde mi je sin?"
I went down and, "Where's my son?" "On the third floor, sir. Third floor."
"Na trećem spratu, gospodine. Na trećem spratu."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."
"Uzmite taksi. Odite do Zare. Pa skrenite."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
"Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."
"Probajte jogurt. Dobar je. Malo skuplji."
(Laughter)
Ali jedna od stvari koje pokušavam da uradim sa svojim standup-om je da razbijem stereotipe.
But one thing I try to do with my stand-up is break stereotypes. And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well. I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai. And they don't get paid that well. And I got it in my head that all the Indians must be workers. I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai too. I was doing a show, and they said, "We'll send a driver to pick you up." I went down to the lobby, and saw this Indian guy. I go, "He must be my driver," since he's standing there in a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me. I say, "Excuse me, are you my driver?" He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."
Takođe sam i kriv za stereotipe. Bio sam u Dubaiju. Ima puno Indijaca koj rade u Dubaiju. I nisu dobro plaćeni. I po meni je bilo da su svi Indijci radnici. I zaboravio sam očigledno ima i uspešnih Indijaca u Dubaiju. Imao sam šou, i rekli su:"Poslaćemo vozača da te pokupi." I otišao sam u predvorje, i video Indijca. Mislio sam da je on sigurno moj vozač. Jer je stojao tamo u jeftinom odelu, sa tankim brkovima, gledajući u mene. I otišao sam tamo :"Izvinite, gospodine, da li ste vi moj vozač?" Rekao je:"Ne, gospodine. Ja posedujem ovaj hotel."
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I go, "I'm sorry! Why were you staring at me?" He goes, "I thought you were my driver."
I rekao sam:"Izvinite. Zašto ste me onda gledali?" Rekao sam:"Mislio sam da ste moj vozač."
(Laughter)
(Aplauz)
(Applause)
(Laughter)
(Smeh)
I'll leave you with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes, present Middle Easterners and Muslims in a positive light. I hope that in the coming years, more film and television programs come out of Hollywood, presenting us in a positive light. Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll even have our own James Bond. Right? "My name is Bond. Jamal Bond."
I ostaviću vas s ovim: Pokušavam, svojim standup-om, da razbijem stereotipe, da predstavim ljude sa Bliskog Istoka u pozitivnom svetlu -- Muslimane u pozitivnom svetlu-- i nadam se da u dolazećim godinama, da će više filmova i tv programa koji dolaze iz Holivuda da nas predstave u pozitivnom svetlu. Ko zna, možda jednog dana vidimo i našeg Džejms Bonda, da. "Moje ime je Bond, Džamal Bond." (Smeh)
(Laughter)
Dotle, i dalje ću da pričam viceve. Nadam se da ćete i dalje da se smejete.
Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. Hope you keep laughing. Have a good day. Thank you.
Želim vam dobar dan. Hvala vam. (Aplauz)
(Applause)