I was one of the founding members of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour. The other founding members included Ahmed Ahmed, who is an Egyptian-American, who actually had the idea to go to the Middle East and try it out before we went out as a tour. He went out solo and did it first. Then there was Aron Kader, who was the Palestinian-American. And then there was me, the Iranian-American of the group. Now, being Iranian-American presents its own set of problems, as you know. Those two countries aren't getting along these days. So it causes a lot of inner conflict, you know, like part of me likes me, part of me hates me.
Saya adalah salah satu pendiri dari Axis of Evil Comedy Tour. Pendiri yang lain adalah Ahmed Ahmed, warga Amerika keturunan Mesir, yang sebenarnya memiliki ide untuk pergi ke Timur Tengah dan mencoba mengadakan pertunjukan. Sebelum kami pergi bersama-sama dia pergi sendirian dan mengadakan pertunjukan terlebih dahulu. Lalu ada Aron Kader, orang Amerika keturunan Palestina. Lalu saya, seorang Amerika keturunan Iran. Menjadi seorang Amerika keturunan Iran memiliki rangkaian masalahnya sendiri, anda tahu. Kedua negara ini tidak begitu akur akhir-akhir ini. Sehingga menyebabkan banyak konflik internal, anda tahu seperti sebagian diri saya suka dengan diri saya, dan sebagian lagi tidak.
(Laughter)
Sebagian dari diri saya berpikir seharusnya saya memiliki program nuklir,
Part of me thinks I should have a nuclear program, the other part thinks I can't be trusted with one. These are dilemmas I have every day.
bagian yang lain berpikir saya tidak dapat dipercaya. Inilah dilema yang saya hadapi setiap hari.
But I was born in Iran; I'm now an American citizen, which means I have the American passport, which means I can travel. Because if you only have the Iranian passport, you're kind of limited to the countries you can go to with open arms, you know -- Syria, Venezuela, North Korea.
Namun saya lahir di Iran. Sekarang saya warga Amerika, yang berarti saya memiliki paspor Amerika, yang berarti saya dapat bepergian bebas. Karena jika anda hanya memiliki paspor Iran, anda hanya dapat pergi ke sedikit negara secara bebas, anda tahu -- Suriah, Venezuela, Korea Utara.
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
So, anyone who's gotten their passport in America will tell you, when you get it, it still says what country you were born in. So I remember getting my American passport. I was like, "Woo-hoo! I'm going to travel." And I opened it up, it said, "Born in Iran." I'm like, "Oh, come on, man!"
Jadi siapapun yang mendapatkan paspor mereka di Amerika akan tahu, saat anda mendapatkan paspor, paspor ini masih menulis di negara mana anda lahir. Saya ingat saat saya mendapat paspor Amerika saya, saya seperti berkata, "Woohoo! Saya akan bebas bepergian." Dan saya membukanya. Ada tulisan, "Lahir di Iran." Saya seperti, "Oh, ayolah."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
"I'm trying to go places."
Saya mencoba pergi ke berbagai tempat.
(Laughter)
namun yang menarik adalah, saya tidak pernah mendapat masalah
But what's interesting is, I've never had trouble in any Western countries with my American passport, even though it says, "Born in Iran" -- no problems. Where I've had problems is in some of the Arab countries. I guess some of the Arab countries aren't getting along with Iran either. So I was in Kuwait recently, doing a comedy show with some other American comedians. They all went through. Then the border patrol saw my American passport: "Ah-ha! American, great." Then he opened it up. "Born in Iran? Wait."
pergi ke negara-negara Barat dengan paspor Amerika saya, walaupun ditulis, "Lahir di Iran." Tidak masalah. Masalah muncul saat saya pergi ke beberapa negara Arab, karena saya kira beberapa negara Arab tidak cocok dengan Iran juga. Jadi saya pergi ke Kuwait baru-baru ini, untuk mengadakan pertunjukan komedi dengan beberapa pelawak Amerika lain. Mereka semuanya lancar, dan saat petugas perbatasan melihat paspor Amerika saya "Ah ha! Orang Amerika, bagus." Lalu dia membukanya. "Lahir di Iran? Tunggu."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
And he started asking me questions. He said, "What is your father's name?" I said, "Well, he's passed away, but his name was Khosro." He goes, "What is your grandfather's name?" I said, "He passed away a long time ago. His name was Jabbar." He says, "You wait. I'll be back," and he walked away. And I started freaking out, because I don't know what kind of crap my grandfather was into.
Dan dia mulai menanyai saya. Dia bertanya, "Siapa nama ayahmu?" Saya berkata, "Dia sudah meninggal, namanya Khosro." Dia bertanya lagi, "Siapa nama kakekmu?" Saya berkata, "Dia sudah lama meninggal. Namanya Jabbar." Dia berkata, "Tunggu di sini. Saya segera kembali," dan dia pergi. Dan saya mulai panik, karena saya tidak tahu masalah yang pernah dimiliki kakek saya.
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
Thought the guy was going to come back and be like, "We've been looking for you for 200 years."
Saya berpikir orang ini akan kembali dan berkata, "Kami telah mencari anda selama 200 tahun."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
"Your grandfather has a parking violation. It's way overdue. You owe us two billion dollars."
"Kakek anda melanggar parkir. Sudah lama jatuh tempo. Anda berhutang dua miliar dolar."
(Laughter)
Namun seperti yang kalian lihat, saat saya berbicara,
But as you can see, when I talk, I speak with an American accent, which you would think, as an Iranian-American actor, I should be able to play any part, good, bad, what have you. But a lot of times in Hollywood, when casting directors find out you're of Middle Eastern descent, they go, "Oh, you're Iranian. Great! Can you say 'I will kill you in the name of Allah?'" I go, "I could say that, but what if I were to say, 'Hello. I'm your doctor'?" They go, "Great! And then you hijack the hospital."
saya bicara dengan aksen Amerika, di mana kalian mungkin berpikir sebagai aktor Amerika keturunan Iran, saya dapat memainkan berbagai peran, baik, jahat, sesuai keinginan anda. Namun seringkali di Hollywood, saat direktur pencari peran tahu anda keturunan Timur Tengah, mereka berkata, "Oh, anda orang Iran. Bagus. Dapatkan anda berkata 'Saya akan membunuh anda dalam nama Allah?'" Saya dapat mengatakannya, namun saya akan berkata, "Halo. Saya dokter anda?" Mereka berkata, "Bagus. Lalu anda membajak rumah sakitnya."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
Like, I think you're missing the point here. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind playing bad guys. I want to play a bad guy. I want to rob a bank. I want to rob a bank in a film, but do it with a gun, not with a bomb strapped around me, right?
Sepertinya anda tidak mengerti. Jangan salah paham. Saya tidak keberatan memerankan orang jahat. Saya ingin berperan menjadi orang jahat. Saya ingin merampok bank. Saya ingin merampok bank di dalam film, namun menggunakan pistol, bukan dengan bom yang terikat di sekeliling tubuh saya.
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
Because I imagine the director: "Maz, I think your character would rob the bank with a bomb around him." "Why would I do that? If I want the money, why would I kill myself?"
Karena saya membayangkan direktur ini berkata, "Maz, saya rasa karakter seperti anda akan merampok bank dengan bom di sekeliling tubuhnya." "Mengapa saya melakukan itu? Jika saya ingin uangnya, mengapa saya harus bunuh diri?"
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
Right?
Benar?
(Applause) "Gimme all your money, or I'll blow myself up!"
(Tepuk tangan) "Berikan semua uang anda, atau saya akan meledakkan diri."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
"Well, then blow yourself up.
"Ya, silahkan ledakkan diri anda.
(Laughter)
Tapi tolong di luar ya"
Just do it outside, please."
(Tawa)
(Laughter)
But the fact is, there's good people everywhere. That's what I try and show in my stand-up, good people everywhere. All it takes in one person to mess it up. Like a couple months ago in Times Square in New York, there was a Pakistani Muslim guy who tried to blow up a car bomb. Now, I happened to be in Times Square that night doing a comedy show. And a few months before that, there was a white American guy in Austin, Texas who flew his airplane into the IRS building, and I happened to be in Austin that day doing a stand-up comedy show. Now I'll tell you, as a Middle-Eastern male, when you show up around a lot of these activities, you start feeling guilty at one point.
Namun kenyataannya, orang baik ada di mana-mana. Itulah yang saya coba tunjukkan dalam pertunjukan saya. Orang baik ada di mana-mana. Hanya diperlukan satu orang untuk menghancurkan citra itu. Seperti beberapa bulan lalu di Times Square New York, ada orang Islam dari Pakistan yang mencoba meledakkan bom mobil. Saya kebetulan ada di Times Square malam itu mengadakan pertunjukan komedi. Dan beberapa bulan sebelumnya, ada orang Amerika kulit putih di Austin, Texas yang menerbangkan pesawatnya ke gedung IRS. dan saya kebetulan ada di Austin saat itu melakukan pertunjukan komedi. Saya beritahu kalian, sebagai seorang pria Timur Tengah, saat anda seringkali berada di dekat kejadian-kejadian seperti ini suatu saat anda mulai merasa bersalah.
(Laughter)
Saya menonton berita dan seperti, "Apakah saya terlibat dalam semua ini?"
I was watching the news. I'm like, "Am I involved in this crap?"
(Tawa)
(Laughter)
"I didn't get the memo. What's going on?"
"Saya tidak mendapat memo. Apa yang terjadi?"
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
But what was interesting was, the Pakistani Muslim guy -- see, he gives a bad name to Muslims and Middle Easterners and Pakistanis from all over the world. And one thing that happened there was also the Pakistani Taliban took credit for that failed car bombing. My question is: Why would you take credit for a failed car bombing? "We just want to say: we tried."
Namun hal yang menarik adalah, orang Islam Pakistan ini -- tahu bahwa dia membuat nama Islam dan Timur Tengah dan Pakistan menjadi buruk di seluruh dunia. Dan hal lain yang juga terjadi adalah ada juga anggota Taliban dari Pakistan yang berkata bahwa dia bertanggung jawab atas bom mobil yang gagal itu. Pertanyaan saya adalah, mengapa anda menyatakan bertanggung jawab untuk bom mobil yang gagal? "Kami hanya ingin berkata kami telah mencoba."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
"And furthermore ...
"Terlebih lagi,
(Laughter)
yane penting kan niatnya."
it is the thought that counts."
(Tawa)
(Laughter)
(Tepuk tangan)
(Applause)
"And in conclusion, win some, lose some."
"Dan kesimpulannya, ada menangnya, ada kalahnya."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
But what happened was, when the white guy flew his plane into the building, I know all my Middle Eastern and Muslim friends in the States were watching TV, going, "Please, don't be Middle Eastern. Don't be Hassan or Hussein." And the name came out: Jack. I'm like, "Woooo! That's not one of us!" But I kept watching the news in case they came back, and were like, "Before he did it, he converted to Islam." "Damn it! Why Jack? Why?"
Namun yang terjadi adalah, saat pria berkulit putih ini menerbangkan pesawatnya ke gedung itu, saya tahu semua saudara sesama Timur Tengah dan Muslim di Amerika menonton TV sambil berharap, "Tolonglah, bukan orang Timur Tengah. Bukan Hassan. Bukan Hussein." Dan ternyata namanya adalah Jack. Saya seperti berteriak, "Wooo! Bukan salah satu dari kami." Namun saya tetap menonton berita kalau-kalau ada perkembangan baru lagi, seperti, "Sebelum dia melakukannya, dia masuk Islam." "Sial! Mengapa Jack? Mengapa?"
But the fact is, I've been lucky to get a chance to perform all over the world, and I did a lot of shows in the Middle East. I just did a seven-country solo tour. I was in Oman, and I was in Saudi Arabia. I was in Dubai. And it's great, there's good people everywhere. And you learn great things about these places. I encourage people always to go visit these places. For example, Dubai -- cool place. They're obsessed with having the biggest, tallest, longest, as we all know. They have a mall there, the Dubai Mall. It is so big, they have taxis in the mall. I was walking. I heard, "Beep! Beep!" I'm like, "What are you doing here?" He goes, "I'm going to the Zara store. It's three miles away. Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way."
Namun pada kenyataannya, saya beruntung mendapat kesempatan untuk mengadakan pertunjukan di seluruh dunia dan saya melakukan banyak pertunjukan di Timur Tengah. Saya baru saja melakukan tur solo ke tujuh negara. Saya pergi ke Oman, ke Arab Saudi. ke Dubai. Dan semuanya bagus, ada orang baik di mana-mana. Anda belajar hal-hal hebat tentang tempat ini. Saya selalu mendorong orang untuk mengunjungi tempat-tempat ini. Contohnya, Dubai -- tempat yang keren. Mereka terobsesi memiliki sesuatu yang terbesar, tertinggi, terpanjang. Ada sebuah mall di sana, Dubai Mall. Sangat besar, ada taksi di dalam mall. Saat saya berjalan, saya mendengar "Bip, bip." Saya seperti ingin berkata, "Apa yang anda lakukan di sini?" Dia berkata, "Saya mau pergi ke toko Zara. Tiga mil dari sini. Minggir. Minggir. Minggir."
(Laughter)
And what's crazy -- there's a recession going on, even in Dubai, but you wouldn't know by the prices. Like in the Dubai Mall, they sell frozen yogurt by the gram. It's like a drug deal. I was walking by. The guy goes, "Psst! Habibi, my friend."
Dan hal yang gila adalah -- saat itu sedang resesi, bahkan di Dubai, namun anda tidak akan tahu saat melihat harga barang-barangnya. Seperti di Dubai Mall, mereka menjual yogurt beku per gram. Seperti transaksi obat terlarang. Saya sedang berjalan dan orang ini berkata, "Psst. Habibi, teman."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
"You want some frozen yogurt?
"Anda ingin yogurt beku?
(Laughter)
Kemari. Kemari. Kemari.
Come here. Come here. Come here. I have one gram, five gram, 10 gram. How many gram do you want?"
Ada yang satu gram, lima gram, 10 gram. Anda mau berapa gram?" (Tawa)
(Laughter)
I bought five grams. 10 dollars. 10 dollars! I said, "What's in this?" He's like, "Good stuff, man. Colombian. Top of the line."
Saya membeli lima gram. 10 dolar. 10 dolar! Saya berkata, "Apa yang ada di dalamnya?" Dia berkata, "Barang bagus. Dari Kolumbia. Kualitas atas. Kualitas atas."
(Laughter)
Hal lain yang terkadang anda pelajari
The other thing you learn when you travel in these countries, in the Middle East, Latin American, South American countries, a lot of times when they build stuff, there's no rules and regulations. For example, I took my two-year-old son to the playground at the Dubai Mall. And I've taken him to playgrounds all over the United States. And when you put your two-year-old on a slide in the United States, they put something on the slide to slow the kid down as he comes down the slide. Not in the Middle East.
saat anda pergi ke negara-negara di Timur Tengah, terkadang di negara Amerika Latin, negara Amerika Selatan -- sering kali mereka membangun sesuatu, tanpa peraturan dan pengaturan. Contohnya, saya mengajak putra saya yang berusia dua tahun ke taman bermain di Dubai Mall. Dan saya membawa putra saya ke taman bermain di seluruh Amerika. Saat anda mengajak putra anda bermain perosotan di Amerika Serikat, mereka meletakkan sesuatu di sana untuk memperlambat laju anak anda saat menuruni perosotan itu. Namun tidak di Timur Tengah.
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
I put my two-year-old on the slide, he went whoosh! He took off!
Saya mengajak putra saya bermain perosotan itu, dia seperti frrmrmm! Dia terbang.
(Laughter)
Saya turun dan bertanya, "Di mana putra saya?"
I went down and, "Where's my son?" "On the third floor, sir. Third floor."
"Ada di lantai tiga, Pak. Di lantai tiga."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
"You take a taxi. You go to Zara. Make a left."
"Anda naik taksi. Pergi ke Zara, lalu belok kiri."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
"Try the yogurt. It's very good. Little expensive."
"Cobalah yogurt ini. Enak sekali. Memang sedikit mahal."
(Laughter)
Namun satu hal yang saya coba lakukan dalam pertunjukan saya adalah untuk menghentikan pandangan klise.
But one thing I try to do with my stand-up is break stereotypes. And I've been guilty of stereotyping as well. I was in Dubai. And there's a lot of Indians who work in Dubai. And they don't get paid that well. And I got it in my head that all the Indians must be workers. I forgot there's obviously successful Indians in Dubai too. I was doing a show, and they said, "We'll send a driver to pick you up." I went down to the lobby, and saw this Indian guy. I go, "He must be my driver," since he's standing there in a cheap suit, thin mustache, staring at me. I say, "Excuse me, are you my driver?" He goes, "No, sir. I own the hotel."
Namun saya juga bersalah karena mengklisekan orang lain. Saat saya di Dubai, ada banyak orang India bekerja di Dubai. Dan mereka menerima bayaran rendah. Lalu saya berpikir bahwa semua orang India di sana adalah buruh. Dan saya lupa bahwa jelas ada juga orang India yang sukses di Dubai. Saat saya mengadakan pertunjukan, mereka berkata, "Kami akan mengirimkan supir untuk menjemput anda." Jadi saya turun ke lobi, dan saya melihat orang India ini. Saya berpikir, "Dia pasti supir saya." Karena dia berdiri di sana, seperti memakai jas murahan dengan kumis tipis dan memandangi saya. Jadi saya mendatanginya, "Permisi, apakah anda supir saya?" Dia menjawab, "Bukan, saya yang punya hotel ini."
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
I go, "I'm sorry! Why were you staring at me?" He goes, "I thought you were my driver."
Saya berkata, "Maaf. Lalu mengapa anda memandangi saya?" Dia berkata, "Saya kira anda supir saya."
(Laughter)
(Tepuk tangan)
(Applause)
(Laughter)
(Tawa)
I'll leave you with this: I try, with my stand-up, to break stereotypes, present Middle Easterners and Muslims in a positive light. I hope that in the coming years, more film and television programs come out of Hollywood, presenting us in a positive light. Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll even have our own James Bond. Right? "My name is Bond. Jamal Bond."
Saya akan meninggalkan pesan ini: Saya mencoba, dengan pertunjukan saya, menghentikan pandangan klise, menunjukkan orang-orang Timur Tengah -- Islam dari sisi positif -- dan saya harap di tahun-tahun mendatang ada banyak film dan program televisi dari Hollywood yang menunjukkan sisi positif dari kami. Siapa tahu, mungkin suatu hari kami memiliki James Bond sendiri. "Nama saya Bond, Jamal Bond." (Tawa)
(Laughter)
Sampai saat itu datang, saya akan tetap melawak. Semoga anda tetap tertawa.
Til then, I'll keep telling jokes. Hope you keep laughing. Have a good day. Thank you.
Semoga hari anda menyenangkan. Terima kasih. (Tepuk tangan)
(Applause)